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Original poster

Double booked on the same date, no idea what to do

166 replies

ThePurpleHelper · 20/10/2025 10:48

I have 2 events that are now booked for the same day, and I'm so stuck.

My friend's birthday, not a milestone birthday but she loves a bit of a fuss. She's booked an evening entertainment on December 13th for a few friends. I've paid in advance for this (its not a lot of money). Think like painting pottery. This was arranged first.

Now, my family. Oh my family. I am one of four siblings and we're trying to meet up at christmas. However.
Sister 1: Cannot do early December, cannot do sundays.
Sister 2: Has just had a baby, doesn't want to drive far.
Brother: Runs a restaurant/is head chef so cannot get time off in November, or between December 15th and January 12th.

So if we want to meet up for Christmas, that leaves... December 13th. Which they've all agreed on in the group chat, and are pleased they found a date that works. They've also decided I'm hosting and cooking, and some other family members will be staying over. If I was going to someone else's house, I could do both but with the hosting, having guests staying the night, I don't think it'll be doable.

And I want to see my family, so my instinct is to cancel on my friend but I know her feelings will be hurt if I cancel on her, and honestly I don't want to cancel but realistically, I cannot see another possible date that would work for the family...

Not really sure why I'm posting to be honest, maybe with some small glimmer of hope I can do both somehow. Any advice is welcomed.

OP posts:
EgregiouslyOverdressed · 20/10/2025 11:27

Speak up and tell your family you're busy. It's beyond cheeky of them to foist themselves on you. Do your Christmas in January after the 12th instead. It's nice to have things planned for such a bleak month and in liturgical terms it's technically still Christmas until Candlemas.

WhatsForDinnerMama · 20/10/2025 11:28

So they get to all not do dates which don’t suit them, but you don’t? Just tell them you are busy on that day and don’t let your friend down. Your family will either suddenly find another date or you can see them after mid January.

Cinaferna · 20/10/2025 11:29

Iguessicoulddothat · 20/10/2025 10:58

Daytime with family then tell them to go elsewhere, evening with friend as planned

This. You have to tell family you already have a date that evening paid for in advance.

I totally understand those boisterous families who decide at their own convenience that they are descending for you to cook and host without even checking the date. It is as if they see you as a puppet in a box that does nothing until they yank the strings, and they are utterly baffled when you explain you have a life of your own.

Please, nicely, stand up to them and say the options are: a) another day or b) early lunch then you are out in the evening and they are welcome to stay and wash up and leave when they are ready, or if staying over, you will see them for a nightcap or breakfast next morning. Don't be stressed about it, state it as a fact.

BnuchOfCnuts · 20/10/2025 11:29

They've also decided I'm hosting and cooking, and some other family members will be staying over.

I’m sorry but your family sound awful if this is what they’ve decided without you offering.

Morally, you should stick with the plans you confirmed first. The event with your friend. But you ought to let your family know ASAP so they can arrange for someone else to host and cook for them all.

However, if you don’t want to do that, then you’ll need to let your friend know you’re not going to her birthday event and accept you’ll lose your deposit.

Sounds like you need to be a bit more assertive in future. You’ve got yourself in this pickle so you should really get yourself out of it. You can’t panic and bury your head in the sand.

Let your friend and family know today what you’re doing on the 13th.

MeetMyCat · 20/10/2025 11:30

ThanksBridesmaidLikeTheBeard · 20/10/2025 11:04

The thing that stands out for me is "they've decided" you're hosting?

If you've already agreed to go along with this and host, there is no shame in saying you've just realised you've double booked yourself and can't let your friend down so an alternative plan needs to be made in order to see family - ie one where you don't host.

Edited

This - stand up for yourself, OP!

Crunchymum · 20/10/2025 11:30

How was the 13th decided when you do not seem to have agreed to it? Surely all of you need to agree on a date?

They've also decided I'm hosting and cooking, and some other family members will be staying over

This all sounds incredibly passive. Do you want to host and have people stay?

Anxietybummer · 20/10/2025 11:30

So your first sister is booked all December and can’t do any Sundays… but it’s you that has to move you’re pre arranged, pre paid event?
yea… that wouldn’t work for me. You’d be really rude to cancel on your friend.

Personally, I’d say that I’ve checked the date and I’m not available on the 13th. Tell them all the dates you can make in November and December and leave it at that.

Tiswa · 20/10/2025 11:31

But it doesn’t work for you especially having people stay over that were invited for you

stop bloody being a doormat and tell your family the truth that it doesn’t work for you and the only way it can is if you don’t host!

Tiswa · 20/10/2025 11:32

And @ThePurpleHelper on t wgroup chat were you asked or was it just assumed the date would work for you

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 20/10/2025 11:34

Agree with everyone else. You're not double booked. You have pre arranged plans with your friends so can't do that day with your family.

Cinaferna · 20/10/2025 11:35

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 20/10/2025 11:09

I don’t understand how your family agreed you would host when you are the one who has already got arrangements on this date ? Didn’t you say anything ? You could still have your family members stay over as presumably that won’t stop you going to the event with your friend. It’s still two months away, say something now. If this works with another family member hosting then offer to help them by preparing something before the event.

It's a certain type of family. You wouldn't believe the dynamics unless you were in one. My dad actually decided on the date of our wedding and booked a venue without telling us. We weren't free that day. DH had an absolutely essential, unmovable work commitment. Trying to explain this date was impossible was like speaking a foreign language. Some people construct a plan in their head so vividly it literally never occurs to them that the plan has not been discussed with the essential people involved. Other family members have been known to say they'll 'come for Easter' without even explaining a rough arrival time, then turning up at 4 am on one occasion or mid Easter Sunday on another, and being astonished we were out as we had finally decided to go and make something of the weekend instead of waiting in for three days on the off-chance they'd swing by.

whistlesandbells · 20/10/2025 11:36

I wouldn’t want to see my family for Christmas on December 13 under these conditions and all the hosting.

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 20/10/2025 11:38

But your not free on December 13th. You have made prior arrangements to celebrate a friends birthday. Why didn't you say in the group chat that you have already got something on then?

Ihatetomatoes · 20/10/2025 11:38

TartanMammy · 20/10/2025 10:55

Why didn't you say on the group chat 'sorry I'm booked that day already' ? Why do your arrangements come second to your family?

Why not suggest going out to eat instead and then you can do both.

This.

It appears everyone else has said when they aren't available. Why didn't/don't you say that you aren't available on that day.

ZenNudist · 20/10/2025 11:39

Just message family and tell them Dec 13 doesn't work for you and suggest early Jan instead.

There is no way I'd renege on a booked and paid for activity with a friend . If everyone drops out that'd be completely shit and if you did this to me I'd reassess our friendship.

Iloveacurry · 20/10/2025 11:44

Sounds like you had no input in the conversation when they agreed the 13th. You either say you can’t do it or you can do early lunch as you’re going out in the evening. Also why did they decide you’re hosting?

Original poster
ThePurpleHelper · 20/10/2025 11:46

I guess I should add in more detail.

Restaurants are out of the question - we tried recently having lunch in pub with my 3 year old nephew and it was hell. We all have kids under 5 so its difficult anyway but my nephew is a terror. We can't even do an early lunch as my daughter has a school thing that morning that finishes at 12:30pm, so it would be a later lunch anyway.

Why am I hosting - its assumed because I'm closest to Sister 2 so less driving for her, and I have the largest house. I am a bit miffed it was just sort of assumed but it sort of is the default option for my family, and I hadn't said I wouldn't this year. It helps I have a playroom we can let the kids go crazy in with minimal worry (see above about terror nephew). Plus enough space for everyone to sit down for a meal.

I had already said I wasn't available on Saturday - both because my daughter's school thing in the morning, and because of the friends birthday. My fault for saying why, I should have just said "can't do Saturday". But things get missed easily with so many voices in a chat, and by the time I got back to the chat, they'd already agreed. I do think if I push back and say I can't do that Saturday, it just wouldn't happen. This year has been chaotic - my brother is going through a divorce, my dad is going through cancer treatment, we've got the new baby, and I don't want to be the one to ruin a family christmas. My sister is very strong willed and I can see her refusing to reschedule that date because "its already been decided", which means it just wouldn't happen (also not sure it could happen before Jan 12th anyway because of the schedules)

But I am seeing I am a bit of a pushed over. I even said to my husband I'll probably just order in take away. And he has guilt tripped me into cooking the full roast (he lost his mum 2 years ago, his family are in pieces, and its the only time he says that he feels like he still has family to sit down together. And we can't do a pub lunch).

I think I'm sounding a bit pathetic 😂 and probably scatter brained, I'm sort of typing out my thoughts as they come.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePurpleHelper · 20/10/2025 11:49

Cinaferna · 20/10/2025 11:35

It's a certain type of family. You wouldn't believe the dynamics unless you were in one. My dad actually decided on the date of our wedding and booked a venue without telling us. We weren't free that day. DH had an absolutely essential, unmovable work commitment. Trying to explain this date was impossible was like speaking a foreign language. Some people construct a plan in their head so vividly it literally never occurs to them that the plan has not been discussed with the essential people involved. Other family members have been known to say they'll 'come for Easter' without even explaining a rough arrival time, then turning up at 4 am on one occasion or mid Easter Sunday on another, and being astonished we were out as we had finally decided to go and make something of the weekend instead of waiting in for three days on the off-chance they'd swing by.

Show quote history

Thankfully, they're not as extreme as booking a wedding venue without input (jfc, so sorry you went through that!) but its close. Although we did get a lot of comments by how inconvenient our wedding date was. No reason, nothing clashed on the date. Just that they didn't like it was in September.

OP posts:
DeQuin · 20/10/2025 11:50

This is a recipe for a LOT of resentment. Stop accepting that they have just decided they are coming to your house and you are hosting, regardless of the date question. If you invited, that's different, but it sounds like you didn't.

I would get back to the group and say: really really sorry I can't host on the 13th. We could meet in the afternoon for a cream tea? (Or a walk, or something else).

Your DH needs to either take the burden of doing all the hosting and all the work if that is what he wants to do (and then you go out as planned in the evening) or butt the fuck out.

DeQuin · 20/10/2025 11:51

I would also repost to the group the part where you said you couldn't do the date.

museumum · 20/10/2025 11:51

Actually have you considered hosting the lunch then just buggering off to your pre-arranged friend's birthday evening and leaving your DH to host the remains of the day and tidy it all up. I think that's what I'd do.

Diarygirlqueen · 20/10/2025 11:51

This is your fault and you need to start standing up for yourself. I think you're very wrong to cancel on your friend, I would be very annoyed if I was her.
I also don't understand if you said you weren't free on the Saturday, why did they arrange that day? Is your voice not important?
You're a walkover.

PurpleThistle7 · 20/10/2025 11:51

I'm even more bewildered following your follow up. So your entire family AND your DH has decided you're on call to prepare and host the event THEY all decided they would like and there's no compromise around your actual life?

I think 12 January is fine. Much less pressure and January is always really boring. I would actually push back on this even if you weren't already booked as that's just a ridiculous list of assumptions everyone has made on you.

And if your husband wants something you don't want to prepare... the obvious solution is that he makes it. No idea what that has to do with you!

Tiswa · 20/10/2025 11:52

@ThePurpleHelper why can’t your husband cook the roast

what do you want to do? You can’t live to please others and you need to show your daughter that too

what time is the other event?

personally I would actually just go to the other thing and leave your husband to host them and actually show for once you can’t be forced into anything

Leopardspota · 20/10/2025 11:52

You’re not free that day….