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Original poster

Double booked on the same date, no idea what to do

166 replies

ThePurpleHelper · 20/10/2025 10:48

I have 2 events that are now booked for the same day, and I'm so stuck.

My friend's birthday, not a milestone birthday but she loves a bit of a fuss. She's booked an evening entertainment on December 13th for a few friends. I've paid in advance for this (its not a lot of money). Think like painting pottery. This was arranged first.

Now, my family. Oh my family. I am one of four siblings and we're trying to meet up at christmas. However.
Sister 1: Cannot do early December, cannot do sundays.
Sister 2: Has just had a baby, doesn't want to drive far.
Brother: Runs a restaurant/is head chef so cannot get time off in November, or between December 15th and January 12th.

So if we want to meet up for Christmas, that leaves... December 13th. Which they've all agreed on in the group chat, and are pleased they found a date that works. They've also decided I'm hosting and cooking, and some other family members will be staying over. If I was going to someone else's house, I could do both but with the hosting, having guests staying the night, I don't think it'll be doable.

And I want to see my family, so my instinct is to cancel on my friend but I know her feelings will be hurt if I cancel on her, and honestly I don't want to cancel but realistically, I cannot see another possible date that would work for the family...

Not really sure why I'm posting to be honest, maybe with some small glimmer of hope I can do both somehow. Any advice is welcomed.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 20/10/2025 12:53

Other family members have been known to say they'll 'come for Easter' without even explaining a rough arrival time, then turning up at 4 am on one occasion or mid Easter Sunday on another, and being astonished we were out as we had finally decided to go and make something of the weekend instead of waiting in for three days on the off-chance they'd swing by

Now it seems to have turned into a "who is the biggest wet lettuce" competition

Are you seriously saying you sat in for 3 days waiting for guests and actually let guests in at 4am without prior agreement? This is astonishing.

OP - your further post means you probably need to get on with making your excuses to your friend and hopefully grow a bit of a backbone at some point. Even your DH is taking advantage of you.

WeNeedToTalkAboutIT · 20/10/2025 12:57

ThePurpleHelper · 20/10/2025 11:46

I guess I should add in more detail.

Restaurants are out of the question - we tried recently having lunch in pub with my 3 year old nephew and it was hell. We all have kids under 5 so its difficult anyway but my nephew is a terror. We can't even do an early lunch as my daughter has a school thing that morning that finishes at 12:30pm, so it would be a later lunch anyway.

Why am I hosting - its assumed because I'm closest to Sister 2 so less driving for her, and I have the largest house. I am a bit miffed it was just sort of assumed but it sort of is the default option for my family, and I hadn't said I wouldn't this year. It helps I have a playroom we can let the kids go crazy in with minimal worry (see above about terror nephew). Plus enough space for everyone to sit down for a meal.

I had already said I wasn't available on Saturday - both because my daughter's school thing in the morning, and because of the friends birthday. My fault for saying why, I should have just said "can't do Saturday". But things get missed easily with so many voices in a chat, and by the time I got back to the chat, they'd already agreed. I do think if I push back and say I can't do that Saturday, it just wouldn't happen. This year has been chaotic - my brother is going through a divorce, my dad is going through cancer treatment, we've got the new baby, and I don't want to be the one to ruin a family christmas. My sister is very strong willed and I can see her refusing to reschedule that date because "its already been decided", which means it just wouldn't happen (also not sure it could happen before Jan 12th anyway because of the schedules)

But I am seeing I am a bit of a pushed over. I even said to my husband I'll probably just order in take away. And he has guilt tripped me into cooking the full roast (he lost his mum 2 years ago, his family are in pieces, and its the only time he says that he feels like he still has family to sit down together. And we can't do a pub lunch).

I think I'm sounding a bit pathetic 😂 and probably scatter brained, I'm sort of typing out my thoughts as they come.

Edited

What?! Your husband has joined in and guilt tripped you into cooking a roast dinner?! I get that he has his reasons but they are in essence the same as everybody else's - selfish, about what HE wants and not what you want or what works for you.

So STOP being such a wet nellie! "Hi folks, Glad we've got a date that works for everyone, lets definitely stick with that! Just to let you know that I cannot host, because of my prior commitment that I've booked and paid for months before we arranged this - see further up the chat. I'll be able to turn up somewhere else to meet up with you all in the afternoon though.

... and after you've sent that message STOP reading and replying for 24 hours.

And see me if you feel the need to back down ;)

Shoxfordian · 20/10/2025 13:02

Yeah you need to say no because you have a prior arrangement- if I was your friend then I wouldn't bother inviting you to anything else if you did this to me. We'd be done. Let's hope she's more forgiving

CharlieKirkRIP · 20/10/2025 13:02

Family chat - 13th is no good for me. Please pick another day.

That’s all you have to do. No drama, no fuss.

MrsCookieCat · 20/10/2025 13:04

I think @ThePurpleHelperyou have to push back. Especially if you said on the chat you aren’t free. Why do their arrangements come before yours?

screenshot the message saying you aren’t free and post it. Errrr guys think you all missed this?

FenceBooksCycle · 20/10/2025 13:05

Message to the family group chat "I already said I am not available that day. If you want to gather on 13th Dec I will not be there and certainly won't be shopping or cooking for it. I realise that the chat scrolls by quickly when everyone is contributing but this is important and I cannot cancel my pre-existing commitment. Given all the ither restrictions it looks like 12th Jan is thr earliest we can all make it and I am happy to host then."

You have to take responsibility for asserting your boundaries.

Frostynoman · 20/10/2025 13:06

Offer your house but someone else has to cook as you’ve already said that day isn’t free - be the venue, let them bring everything else

Viviennemary · 20/10/2025 13:06

I wouldn't cancel my friend. That would be quite mean IMHO. This arrangement was made first. It's not your fault your family can only do that one day. You should have said no I'm sorry I can't do that day as I have a prior commitment.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 20/10/2025 13:09

If he wants a roast, he does it himself, you push back and say fine but it’s a takeaway and I am going out at such and such time

Schmojoe · 20/10/2025 13:10

Why is Sister 1 allowed to say "can’t do early December or Sundays" but you’re not allowed to say "can’t do Dec 13th"?

Hohumdedum · 20/10/2025 13:15

I would definitely say "I told you I have two other commitments on that day. I can't host and can only be available between x and y times.

Or, at a push, insist on takeaway and then leave them to it while you go to the party. If your DH wants a roast he can do it!

I wouldn't pull out on your friend. You committed to that first.

Comtesse · 20/10/2025 13:15

Your bossy sister may insist on that date if she likes but she cannot insist you host / cater for everyone. She’ll need to find a new venue then…

NancyJoan · 20/10/2025 13:16

I don't want to be the one to ruin a family christmas

You won't be. You have plans on that day. Other people have plans on other days. Perhaps someone else can cancel their pre-arranged event, or otherwise someone else can host.

Comtesse · 20/10/2025 13:17

And your husband can get a grip and learn to cook his own roast - how hard is roast chicken anyway??!

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 20/10/2025 13:24

Could you remind them that you said you weren't available that day but suggest moving it to a late afternoon/evening thing instead?

Reachforthestars00 · 20/10/2025 13:24

Keep it simple, to the group chat

While I'm happy to host you all, I am not available on 13 December. If you want me to host, these are the dates I'm available. Otherwise, do go ahead without me.

Cakeandusername · 20/10/2025 13:31

You haven’t double booked though? They have suggested 13th and you just reply no I’m not free then and you pick another date. I think it’s pretty rude to your friend to cancel because you won’t say no that’s not suitable for me.

TheJessops · 20/10/2025 13:35

Assuming you have to be at your daughters school thing, your husband can cook the roast while you are at that, you come back, have a few hours with your family and kick them out early evening so you can go to your friends birthday.

If for some reason your husband doesn't know how to put veg in a pan of boiling water or a chicken in a hot oven, tell him it'll have to be a takeaway/buffet or everyone bring s a dish type event.

Or, just say no, as per FenceBookCycles' comment, and arrange something for 12th January or later in January.

TorroFerney · 20/10/2025 13:36

Why are you being such a martyr? I am not having a dig, I am curious. You aren't double booked. You will be if you agree to the family date.

JoshLymanSwagger · 20/10/2025 13:39

@ThePurpleHelper
I have a solution.

Your DH hosts your family and prepares their "Roast" with the assistance of your Chef Brother, who can arrive earlier than the rest of the Purple Clan.

You do your pre-arranged evening out to celebrate your friends birthday, then invite the gang back for drinks and nibbles which your DH/Brother can prep between peeling spuds.

Alternatively...

You tell your CF family that you've already got something on that night and you/your home won't be available.
They need to find another date.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/10/2025 13:40

This is madness. They might have missed that you said you weren't free, but it's mad that you feel you can't say 'hey I already posted about the 13th above - I'm not free'.

And your husband guilt tripping you to cook a full roast rather than a takeaway because his mum died 2 years ago - you know this is shitty manipulative behaviour? A roast rather than a takeaway doesn't have any connection to a dead relative, and if he was that bothered he could cook it himself.

Time to say no OP

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/10/2025 13:40

This is madness. They might have missed that you said you weren't free, but it's mad that you feel you can't say 'hey I already posted about the 13th above - I'm not free'.

And your husband guilt tripping you to cook a full roast rather than a takeaway because his mum died 2 years ago - you know this is shitty manipulative behaviour? A roast rather than a takeaway doesn't have any connection to a dead relative, and if he was that bothered he could cook it himself.

Time to say no OP

WeNeedToTalkAboutIT · 20/10/2025 13:45

childofthe607080s · 20/10/2025 12:20

find the post where you said you can’t make the 13th and repost it to them

This. Quote it in the chat (like I'm doing).

The more I think about it the more annoyed I am with your husband. He knows you've got morning and evening commitments, and he wants you to cook a bloody roast dinner AND play host to a family Christmas gathering in the few hours in between? If it's so important to him why can't he cook the roast and make the beds and clean the house and buy the food and drink, and check for allergies, and keep everybody topped up with booze and do the washing up and make breakfast for everybody in the morning and strip, wash and redress the beds once they've all left and clean and tidy up the detritus from the party...?

Screamingabdabz · 20/10/2025 13:48

Nah I’m going against the grain and saying blood is thicker than water. You need to be explaining all of this to your mate - and if she’s a good friend she’ll understand. That’s all there is. Pottery painting will have to be missed this year. Send her some flowers. Job done. Your family come before a grown adult’s birthday jolly.

GAJLY · 20/10/2025 13:48

TartanMammy · 20/10/2025 10:55

Why didn't you say on the group chat 'sorry I'm booked that day already' ? Why do your arrangements come second to your family?

Why not suggest going out to eat instead and then you can do both.

Agree with this 👆 It's the best most sensible option!