What would you do in this gifting situation?

[TennesseeDreams]

I have 1 child. Godparent to my child has 2 children- I am godparent to one.

Every year Godparent sends list of suggested gifts for her children. Children are 10 and 13. Gifts range in price from £40-£100 or so. Last few years I have ignored the list and have sent something of my own choosing that is usually circa £20 each.

Godparent has never a single time sent a gift to my child for Christmas. Not once. Mine is older than their oldest.

This year I am thinking of just ignoring it. But I worry if that's just petty of me. These things should not be transactional but I confess over the past 13 years it has felt a bit one-sided. It's not the cost so much but the principle.

For context we see each other in person around about once a year or less nowadays as she moved to a different parts of the country. We don't have alot of other sorts of contact like phone contact / facebook etc. If she comes this way to visit her parents we might meet up, but like I said once a year at most.

(ETA- yes we were once a great deal closer as she was my chosen godparent. By the time her oldest was born though our friendship had drifted and I think I was made godparent to even it up, if that makes sense).

when she sends her list, why don’t you just send yours back? Although reading this back, this all sounds incredibly petty! I would be tempted to announce that due to the increased cost in living, you’re not doing presents anymore but you’d love to see them at some point.

Just ignore present requests. Send a card. We stopped presents to some close family when they weren't reciprocated nor acknowledged over a number of years. If they can't be arsed neither can I.

When receiving lists I did for a few years say 'If you are thinking of something for [my DC] he is into this at the moment'. One year I said that he was saving for something so a fiver in a card would do and got the reply that she 'doesn't do money'. Yeah- but she doesn't do anything else either.

It's only been the last few years that it's really started to get up my nose. But she's great fun to be around when I see her - but still is very slow to put her hand in her pocket when it's her round etc.

I'm just kind of over it.

I think it’s time to knock it on the head . You
arent that close anymore and rarely see each other . I think I’d just send a nice card saying ‘ now the children aren’t babies anymore lets make life easier and not do presents , I do wish you and your family a wonderful Christmas and hope to catch up soon .
short , to the point and hopefully gracious on the basis that if she gets snarky it’s not a big relationship to lose .
edited to say I had a tight friend and it kills the friendship over time .

I think this is what I will do, thanks.

I wouldn't announce the stopping of gifts at all. Just send a nice card this year and leave it at that. She'd have some nerve if she mentions not receiving anything. Only if she does say something then explain you're not able to do presents any longer.

I can't get over the cheek of her, sending expensive gift ideas and sending nothing in return.

Omg, I started reading this thinking it was one of those well I have one child so she shpuld
spend double what I spend on her two because ei buy twice sort of thing.
no, she’s being cheeky AF, I’m surprised you haven’t ditched this before now.

Well- tbh I kept thinking it wasn't 'fair' to have her DCs miss out because I was annoyed about it. It seemed petty, as I said. But actually I think I'm done now. I think the gift-less card is a good one and I won't mention gifts either. DH is super generous and in previous years has said for the sake of £40 or so, why not just suck it up, essentially. But I don't want to anymore.

Did she ever give your Dc gifts? When they were younger?

I am agog and aghast at her sending £40-100 lists… and for two children.

Does she thank you for the £20 gifts? Do the kids?

I wouldn't say anything either....just send a nice, cheerful Christmas card saying what you have been up to. If she has the front to ask where their presents are I would just say that I thought she didn't want to do them as your DC had never received anything.

She has never a single time sent a gift. For anything. Not even when he was baptised and she was the god parent.

She would send thank yous when I bought a gift off the list. But the last good few years I have gone off piste and it has never been acknowledged.

Writing it down it seems so obvious. But I hate to think I am making this all transactional. But I feel a bit of a mug.

My God children and nephew nieces have always had around £20. I’ve sometimes asked if they’ve needed anything but that’s my budget. I would not be buying if a list out of my budget and would of shut that down the first year. I don’t have children myself. But i see how it’s unfair that you are gifting but it’s not returned.

If you are such good friends that you have each others children as god children could you not have asked why they don’t gift yours??

Sirry just read op replies. Absolutely stop @TennesseeDreams .

When my DD was a child her godmother would ask what she would like for birthdays and Christmas and I would give a range of suggestions from £5 to £15 I would never suggest something that was £40. We would always get her a little something in return. DD has never had a gift from her godfather. I would just give your godchild a small gift for less than £15/20 because you’re their godmother. What your friend does or doesn’t do for your child is irrelevant to your being a godmother.

I’m not a big gift giver, and don’t give to friends children. I’m not religious so not a god parent but I do send a small token family type present to the family of the child who I would be legal guardian for if anything happened to her parents.
Because I’m like that I wouldn’t in a million years write and send a gift list of things my child would want for Christmas. That’s the bit here that strikes me as so odd! Not many people do that anyway but so weird!

I’ve lost touch with one of my Godchildren now for similar reasons. I kept sending cards and gifts for ages after realising her parents never bothered to send my DC so much as a card because it wasn’t the child‘s fault and I took being a Godparent seriously.
After many attempts to meet up failed and they finally finished paying back most of the money they had borrowed from us, we decided to call it quits on the friendship and not bother any more. I am very sad to lose my Goddaughter though.

I would send her a Christmas card and not mention the gifts at all. If she has the cheek to mention it or send a list I would say that you were following her lead so assumed you weren't sending presents.

I can't believe the rudeness of sending a gift list with £40-£100 items. I don't even send that sort of my list to my family and DDs' grandparents etc. Expensive presents are for parents to buy, I'd totally expect smaller, more token gifts from extended family and friends.

OP you have been so very kind to those children, kudos to you and your husband.
If their mother doesn’t know how to appreciate you it is unlikely those children will learn to appreciate you either. Just leave it at that now, feel good about yourself that you have been a great friend to her and her children but moving on focus on spending that money on your own children.

This ^^

I cannot get my head around her sending you a list of expensive gifts for her DC when she has never bought for her Godchild. Can’t process that at all. I’d be struggling to keep her on my friendship list let alone Christmas list. You’re not being petty, she is taking the piss. It’s not about the money, it’s the principle

Yes exactly, some people are just takers and don’t have any manners. Perhaps her children will do the same if this is how she teaches them to grow up. It is very sad

This is a good point, as usually you would give a heads up about stopping present-giving to stop the other side buying something and it being too late. In this case, that’s not a problem!

I can’t believe the cheek of her! Especially sending £40 - £100 gift lists when she doesn’t buy for your child! What on earth is her reasoning I wonder? Definitely knock the gifts on the head.

Do what I did, due to the cost of posting gifts, would you mind buying your child a gift this year from me, and I’ll do the same here - that way the children get something they like and we don’t have to worry about sending by post.

I’m aghast at the cheek of this woman sending you gift lists but never buying anything in return! Plus a godparent present is usually more like a book and some chocolate, not expensive gifts costing £40-100.

If you did still really want to buy for the children, a book plus a box of or a choc bar is a good token present and would cost around £10. That’s what I get for the few friends’ kids I buy for. But honestly, you could just stop buying completely, and as others have said, send a nice card to all the family and just not mention it. After all, she doesn’t mention not buying for your child!

Talked with DH this morning again about it. He said that he is 'coming around to your [my] way of thinking'.

Card it is.