What would you do in this gifting situation?

[TennesseeDreams]

I have 1 child. Godparent to my child has 2 children- I am godparent to one.

Every year Godparent sends list of suggested gifts for her children. Children are 10 and 13. Gifts range in price from £40-£100 or so. Last few years I have ignored the list and have sent something of my own choosing that is usually circa £20 each.

Godparent has never a single time sent a gift to my child for Christmas. Not once. Mine is older than their oldest.

This year I am thinking of just ignoring it. But I worry if that's just petty of me. These things should not be transactional but I confess over the past 13 years it has felt a bit one-sided. It's not the cost so much but the principle.

For context we see each other in person around about once a year or less nowadays as she moved to a different parts of the country. We don't have alot of other sorts of contact like phone contact / facebook etc. If she comes this way to visit her parents we might meet up, but like I said once a year at most.

(ETA- yes we were once a great deal closer as she was my chosen godparent. By the time her oldest was born though our friendship had drifted and I think I was made godparent to even it up, if that makes sense).

She is an archetypal CF!

I'd say nothing. Send a card.
If she has the cheak to send a list unprompted just reply 'sorry im not doing gifts this year, cost of living'

Oooh! I've just realised that this means I have around £40 extra in my Christmas budget now! Well- that's going to be a trip out somewhere for DS.

Thanks all. It helped to write it out and get perspectives.I feel content with the decision.

I see where you’re coming from but the godmother relationship hasn’t really been maintained in any other way, it doesn’t sound like there’s any relationship really. This is why I always chose family over friends for these things, less likely to drift apart from family, whereas with friendships it’s more natural to do so (for me anyway).

Also this particular friend is a very cheeky fucker, why should OP go along with it.

This is your money that you’ve earnt! If there’s no gift exchange there’s no way she can demand one; she shows her true colours with the extraordinary gift list.

Please come back and update if she says anything to you 🤣 you need to get your reply ready coz I think she might .

Has she sent you the list yet for this year ?

No list yet. I guess that's the chance to say 'nup'. Or else just not give any warning at all and send the card alone.

If she has the nerve to kick off then she might get a full force backlash in her face tbh. I'll work through possible scenarios and my response so I don't go that far though! I'll stay neutral and matter of fact I think.

I have been mulling this over for a long while now. The thread has helped crystallise my thoughts and i am resolute now and feel quite shruggy about any negative response she might give.

She’s a shocker of a cheeky f if she begs for presents but doesn’t give them!
but I would think of it as relationship with children not with her from now on- you signed up to be their godparent. I’d send a card and a tenner to my godchild and nothing to my ex friend

Should your stopping presents ever get mentioned, I would go with 'You weren't sending any to my DC, so it seemed like time to stop'. I also wouldn't do the 'let's stop presents' line as that panders to the idea that this was a comparable exchange. It wasn't and she's taken advantage of that for years.

Because she agreed to be a godparent to this child it’s not their fault that the mum is a CF.

Just don't.
If the cheeky mate says "presents haven't arrived" just reply "i assumed we weren't doing this anymore"

This is perfect 👆

So she is the godmother to yours too. I actually cannot believe the nerve. The ‘I don’t do money’ . Are you far wealthier? What’s her rationale?

She's a godparent to mine and was first. He is 2 years older than her oldest. I'm only a GP to one of hers but still sent presents to both. Again that bit started because I did not think it was 'fair' to miss one out.

I don't have much of a relationship with any of them any more - not really. It's a bit distant now. I don't want to 'punish' the children but feel taken advantage of.

OP we actually have a very similar situation in my family, where I have been sending presents to some cousins (only small ones in this case, like the book + chocolate I mentioned above), and DD has not got anything back for a while now but I still feel obligated to the kids to send something. It’s difficult! I don’t want the kids to wonder why Auntie Z hasn’t sent anything this year.

So this year I have decided to send the kids an advent calendar card each in late November ready for Advent, saying “wishing you a very happy Christmas from all the Zs” etc. Then the kids still get a little something - who doesn’t like an advent calendar card? - and it also acts as a signal to the parents that a present might not be arriving as usual…

it would not be a bad thing if the children of cf knew the score tbh.

We were definitely wealthier when it started. That's most likely changed now I expect for a number of reasons.

Anyway- i have decided what I'm doing now thanks to the kind advice and suggestions on the thread.

I can’t believe she sends you a list

how bloody rude

Oooh that's a good idea!

That would have made a good transition between gifts and nothing.

Hmmm...... thinking.

We had this with nephews and nieces. Sent them all gifts for birthdays but our children got sporadic gifts from one side and non existent from another side.Cannot remember much thanks either. It shows poor character. I was much younger then, in my 20s when it started. Maybe I was too generous. Nowadays I would stop after the first gift went unreciprocated. You live and learn. I think they may have thought we had more money idk but it’s not excusable.

Op I wouldn't worry about the kids missing out, kids at those ages are impossible to buy for unless its books.

Or if you really want to keep going go with a token selection box. But I think it might be better just to stop.

Yes that was my thought. Also once they get to tween / early teen years it’s much harder to choose something for them, and if you effectively don’t really see them or know what they like, and they never send thank you notes, then who knows if they even really want something anyway?

So I thought the advent calendar card would mark a bit of that transition into them being a bit older and not little kids any more. The cards only cost about £4 each on eBay and you can get really nice ones.

Kids won’t realise and she’s a cf and you’re a mug .

I’ve been in a similar position where I’m asked what my ds would like for his birthday / Christmas, I say a contribution towards his piggy bank would be lovely, to then be told that ‘relative doesn’t do money gifts’… so in turn when I ask relative what her ds would like, I got sent an extensive list and I responded with a ‘I don’t do lists’!!! 😆😆😆
If you’re asked about why you haven’t sent a gift this year, I would respond with and depending how brutal you want to be…
‘As the gift buying has been one sided over the years, I’ve decided to keep things simple by no longer participating in exchanging gifts’….

I also wouldn’t go down the cost of living reason or any other excuse… just keep it short and sweet!

FWIW, what do the kids think of your gifts? Do they even appreciate who they're from? In some families (including my own, though I don't participate) over-gifting is common. It sometimes seems overwhelming for the kids. No sooner is one present opened and clocked, there's no time to play with it as the next one, and the next one, and more, keep coming thick and fast. The old saw about toddlers getting more out of playing with the box also applies. I have watched kids of any age who've escaped the attention for a moment, spending time with one gift and playing in depth, only to be called away to open another and losing the moment. If they are too far away for you to gift them your time, what's the point?