What would you do in this gifting situation?

[TennesseeDreams]

I have 1 child. Godparent to my child has 2 children- I am godparent to one.

Every year Godparent sends list of suggested gifts for her children. Children are 10 and 13. Gifts range in price from £40-£100 or so. Last few years I have ignored the list and have sent something of my own choosing that is usually circa £20 each.

Godparent has never a single time sent a gift to my child for Christmas. Not once. Mine is older than their oldest.

This year I am thinking of just ignoring it. But I worry if that's just petty of me. These things should not be transactional but I confess over the past 13 years it has felt a bit one-sided. It's not the cost so much but the principle.

For context we see each other in person around about once a year or less nowadays as she moved to a different parts of the country. We don't have alot of other sorts of contact like phone contact / facebook etc. If she comes this way to visit her parents we might meet up, but like I said once a year at most.

(ETA- yes we were once a great deal closer as she was my chosen godparent. By the time her oldest was born though our friendship had drifted and I think I was made godparent to even it up, if that makes sense).

No, me alone. (Unless the same text went to people I am unaware of).

Ive been a mug. I know it.

Its hard to explain but I had a tricky upbringing and among other things I was always told that I had no worth myself and my only worth was what I could bring to other people. I have been changing my view of this lately.

I am not going into detail unless I be accused of the dreaded drip feeding. The bare bones of the situation is exactly as I said. But for a good long time I kept thinking about the children who I thought should enjoy a gift. And no, they do not send thank yous.

I am thinking it all over. But just to say, that for a good few years now I have thought i was being a bloody doormat but worried I would lose a friend / be unecessarily petty / that it was bad form to make a child pay for their mother's bad behaviour / thought I'd be getting something wrong somehow / don;t have that many friend that I could afford to lose one.

Don’t send anymore gifts - if your child isn’t getting a gift, stop sending one to hers. Just send a card from now on.

This is mind boggling! How on earth can she send you wish lists for her DCs and not think once I should return the kindness?! Absolutely baffling. Please don’t put yourself to any trouble this year and just send a simple card!

Really sorry you have been made to feel like that, you sound like a very kind thoughtful person and your people are out there but she is defo not one of them. Keep working on yourself and strengthening you self esteem. You got this!

What a CF! Why the hell would she keep
expecting gifts for her dc while not once getting a thing for your child, her Godchild? I’d nip it in the bud pronto and I’m not sure I’d even have the grace to be subtle about it!

Agree! can't believe how entitled some people are, just baffling

She isn't a true friend. I'd be tempted to write "Why do you keep sending gift requests when you have never sent my child anything?" and see what happens.

She sounds a mean grabby cow. Stop with the gift buying for her kids. Cheek of some people

I think it’s a bit mean to punish your godchild to punish her DM. If I was you I would get a token gift for your Godchild and leave it at that.

hi op I would definitely not send anything it’s not just transactions she is dictating to you she’s grabby and the worst bit is she’s not even acknowledging your dc. Sorry but that’s hurtful you see her once a year if this stops so what that’s on her. I would never suggest a gift for my dc then not ask what your dc would like. It’s one way street time to block it off now 13 years without caring about your dc no no that’s selfish and cheekyfuckery at least I wouldn’t even send a card tbh. What a shitty godparent.

Whats the point ?

She doesn't even know if the children like the gifts they have received the last couple of years. Or had a thanks

Its time to pull the plug.

I would stop the pressies, without a doubt. How rude to send out a list - am thinking of that old adage "it's the thought that counts" as well.

If you think it’s mean how do you think op feels when her dc has had absolutely nothing from her in his life now that’s mean. Why should op keep giving her godkids gifts when this godparent has never given her godchild a penny. Ever!

when she sends the list this year, just say that to save on postage and make things easier that she buys for hers and says it’s from you, and you’ll do the same for yours.

So, hang on, she has the AUDACITY to send you lists and price ranges but has never reciprocated??

That is one piss taking CF.

I think just a card well in advance so she doesn't send a list.

Yes, all that. I am still mulling over the advent card idea which I like alot.

But basically that would be it.

I am struggling to understand why you ever responded to her list if she had never sent any gifts to your (older) child. I would have assumed the list was sent in error. Anyway, your kindness has totally been taken advantage of so I would just stop. I wouldn't bother with any explanation. Do you really think she will have the nerve to ask why?

Again not the godchild’s fault. But the OP made a promise with the godchild, the fact the the friend is an awful godparent is a separate issue.

Because OP made a promise to that child which is separate to her friendship with the adult. Becoming a godparent isn’t just a one week, one month or one year promise.

This wording is perfect ☝️

It would be card only from me, nothing more and zero explanation unless she says something afterwards.

£40-£100!!! And buys your child nothing! As she's a Godparent I wonder is she even a Christian?

I'm not sure why you ever started giving gifts if she was godmother to your child first and didn't give him any?

I have a god child, though I'm not religious - my friend's child. I stopped getting them presents at 18. I didn't give her other child presents as they had different godparents.

I had kids later. She has always given both of mine gifts (they weren't christened) and insisted on doing so till they were 21. I have repeatedly said she shouldn't do this but she insists. Sometimes that has annoyed me (especially continuing till 21), at others it's made me feel guilty and mean. Overall I could have done without any of it as I never really got to know my god child well as we live too far apart.

In your shoes op, I'd just stop. Say nothing unless she sends more present ideas, or maybe just ignore them. Don't make excuses, just say you've decided to stop if you have to say something.

I feel sad for the OP here. She's spent hundreds on these children which aren't even hers for some selfish person she hardly sees.

There might be a couple of reasons that the children haven’t said thank you. One is they don’t know the gifts as they aren’t told or worse they are told it’s from mum/ someone else. Another is that they haven’t been raised to do it/ think their parent is doing that.