What would you do in this gifting situation?

[TennesseeDreams]

I have 1 child. Godparent to my child has 2 children- I am godparent to one.

Every year Godparent sends list of suggested gifts for her children. Children are 10 and 13. Gifts range in price from £40-£100 or so. Last few years I have ignored the list and have sent something of my own choosing that is usually circa £20 each.

Godparent has never a single time sent a gift to my child for Christmas. Not once. Mine is older than their oldest.

This year I am thinking of just ignoring it. But I worry if that's just petty of me. These things should not be transactional but I confess over the past 13 years it has felt a bit one-sided. It's not the cost so much but the principle.

For context we see each other in person around about once a year or less nowadays as she moved to a different parts of the country. We don't have alot of other sorts of contact like phone contact / facebook etc. If she comes this way to visit her parents we might meet up, but like I said once a year at most.

(ETA- yes we were once a great deal closer as she was my chosen godparent. By the time her oldest was born though our friendship had drifted and I think I was made godparent to even it up, if that makes sense).

Just send a family card (from our house to yours type vibe). If she has the brass neck to complain about no gifts this year then just say you have decided to follow her long standing example & not do gifts or money.
Enjoy your trip out with DS 😊.

If she queries why you haven’t sent a gift, I would just say that I have taken a leaf out of her book and decided not to buy gifts for godchildren any more. It’d be interesting to see her comeback from that 😀

I’m surprised you’ve let this CF’s asymmetric arrangement go on for years.

Don’t start doing advent calendars! You owe them nothing. Just stop. Don’t engage in justifying it, just do it.

While I agree with @hattie43 that it's time to knock it on the head, I don't think you need to announce it or make excuses.

If you decide to send a card just do that and move on, sending an explanation opens the door for arguments and back and forth. The worse she will do is not send your child any gift which drumbeat - she doesn't do anyway.

Start sending a card and stick to it, if she wants to end the friendship then good riddance, you don't even see her once a year anymore so the friendship has naturally drifted apart which happens.

Do her DC send you a thank you?

If not, then stop the gift buying. They don't appreciate your effort.

Do keep us updated! I can't believe the nerve of some people - never sending gifts for your son.

I’m baffled you’ve let this go on more than a maximum of two years personally. Year one you can think it was a mistake, year two you realise she’s a cf. year 3 you don’t send anything. But this has been going on over a decade? Honestly baffled.

I send DCs godparents (after they ask) a list of things around £10. If they want to spend more they can ask or they can buy a few £10 things. They can certainly afford more than £10 but I’m not a rude cf.

I think I’d be tempted to reply to her list with “Hi Alison, thanks for this, just checking are we doing presents for the kids this year?”

Being a godparent isn’t about sending £40-£100 gifts. I think the kids will be okay.

She has never a single time sent a gift. For anything. Not even when he was baptised and she was the god parent.

And yet she sends you a list of £40-100 gifts every year for the child to which you are the god parent?!

Bloody hell. Cheeky cow! I’d tell her to fuck right off.

The friend is also godmother to the OP’s son, though! And buys him nothing.

So if the friend’s family don’t have a tradition of buying gifts for godchildren, I really don’t see why the OP should keep buying for hers.

If you read the whole thread from me on this post at no point did I condone or suggest a gift of that value.

You should be the godparent that you want to be, not based on whether the person you chose for your own child is any good or not. I stand by what I said previously. It’s not the godchild’s fault that their mother is a CF. If it was my godchild I would still get them a gift but it would not be from the list nor would I get the sibling anything.

Just be super honest if a list arrives. ‘Did you mean to send this to me? I haven’t had anything from you for my DC for a few years now so I thought we weren’t doing gifts anymore? Shall we just spend the money on a catch up day out in the new year instead?’

She is mean , bite the bullet and send a message this month saying you are not buying Christmas presents this year for anyone other than your own child and stick with it , don't engage with any conversation regarding this once you have told her.
If she's offended then tough ,she's not a friend worth bothering with if she does.
Do this and that's the end of it for future Christmases , she has a bloody cheek !

When she sends the list just reply with “sorry, we are not doing gifts this year, instead we are donating to charity”……hopefully that will put an end to it.

I wasn’t suggesting you did, the godchild’s mother did though. This is what the whole thread is centred around, hence my reference to it.

I would just say that as you don’t receive gifts in return, you have taken this as a hint to stop sending them yourself

Time to stop for sure . Do and send nothing unless she sends a list . In that case your send a card saying that you have decided to stop exchanging gifts as they are older now and looking forward to catching up with them all soon x

I feel like you OP. My partners best friend hasn't bought our child a birthday or Christmas gift for the past 5yrs yet hubby gifts their 2 children £10 each for birthday and Christmas. We have even had 'I've misplaced present will find out and drop it in to you' it has never arrived. It really annoys me but hubby keeps on giving.
If I was you I'd ignore it text saying we have decided to stop buying/receiving for friends children due to the cost of living.

I really can't fathom why you continue with this one sided arrangement year after year. It's utterly ridiculous. Just stop,

Id have stopped getting her kids anything after my own being ignored repetitively. Just stop. And I'd let the friendship slide too. She sounds ignorant.

Every year, I review what I'm doing about presents, including god children and nieces/nephews. I approach it that I am a grown up and can buy or not buy for whoever I want to without explanation or 'logical' reason because it's a gift....this took a while to adapt to! 🤣 As a starting point, giving gifts mostly gives me joy. I stopped my nephews at 18. I hadn't had any acknowledgement from them for years. One goddaughter and godson I stopped after uni, for proper gifts. I have sent a Christmas decoration for a number of years since, but am stopping this year. Stopped one godson at 18. I have a 11 year old goddaughter that I have decided to send money to from now on.

Gosh always something that surprises me but how awful to think people send out lists of 'my kids would like ...'
Is it sent directly to you or is it sent to lots people and you included?