What would you do in this gifting situation?

[TennesseeDreams]

I have 1 child. Godparent to my child has 2 children- I am godparent to one.

Every year Godparent sends list of suggested gifts for her children. Children are 10 and 13. Gifts range in price from £40-£100 or so. Last few years I have ignored the list and have sent something of my own choosing that is usually circa £20 each.

Godparent has never a single time sent a gift to my child for Christmas. Not once. Mine is older than their oldest.

This year I am thinking of just ignoring it. But I worry if that's just petty of me. These things should not be transactional but I confess over the past 13 years it has felt a bit one-sided. It's not the cost so much but the principle.

For context we see each other in person around about once a year or less nowadays as she moved to a different parts of the country. We don't have alot of other sorts of contact like phone contact / facebook etc. If she comes this way to visit her parents we might meet up, but like I said once a year at most.

(ETA- yes we were once a great deal closer as she was my chosen godparent. By the time her oldest was born though our friendship had drifted and I think I was made godparent to even it up, if that makes sense).

Sorry but I disagree she never vowed to give gifts to godchild she was a godparent if the child ever needed her. also op has gifted both kids as not to leave one feeling left out. Any normal human being would also gift the god child if the other person was also she dedicated the amount of money she had to spend sorry it’s a no from me I would never have bothered again after receiving no thanks first time her so called friend is seeing her as a mug not dear friend.

She’s rude. There’s little friendship left. Just send a card. End of. Is she dares to comment on not giving a gift then you call her out on it and say you didn’t think you were exchanging gifts as you haven’t ever received one!

I’m trying to work out how your ‘friend’ thinks it is ok for you to send presents for years and for her not to reciprocate at all.
is it a combination of meanness and her thinking you have a lot more disposable income than she has? Either way her behaviour is unforgivable because your child has received nothing and her child always has.
She has some bloody nerve to do that year after year. I can’t help but wonder why you’ve put up with it for so long. But I understand that these situations are hard to get out of.
I would send an early Christmas card and say:

”Dear misery guts,
I hope you and the family are well and looking forward to Christmas. Now that our children are the age that they are I hope you don’t mind but I think my present giving has run its course. I’ve done my best over the years and tbh the one sidedness has never sat well with me. I probably should have said this years ago but I lived in hope that the situation would change.
Best wishes for the NY”.

Now thats class!

The vow of a Godparent is to help give the child a Christian up bringing.
If anyone was taking it seriously it would involve taking them to church. Its certainly not about exchanging £££ Christmas presents.

The Mum might say "What would you like for your Birthday?" Then presents just appear downstairs on the morning of the Birthday with no questions asked about who they are from.

@TennesseeDreams
Does she just send the list out the blue or is their some chat before it?

Kindly Op you are a mug she’s taking you for and treating you as a mug. I went back and read your insightful post about why you continued to gift when it wasn’t reciprocated (one issue) nor acknowledged (another issue) I can empathize with the “not wanting to lose a friend” I find this a motivator in one long term friendship I have. And the mature decision to separate the mother’s behavior from the child’s behavior. I too do not believe in doing less for a child because the parent does less for mine/ me/ doesn’t “deserve it”. I mindfully do what I think most benefits the child.

with that said in this instance as you have described I am strongly encouraging you to cease all gift giving this year. Send a holiday card wishing them all the happiest of holidays and wishing to see them if in town.
I discourage the advent calender or any lessening of gifting in terms of cost or effort as this situation is so extreme. No one and I mean no one can justify sending a pricey gift list to a godmother and literally doing nothing in return for their godchild. It’s bizarre behavior beyond grabby / cheeky or any other cute moniker.

I also suspect she isn’t acknowledging you as the gift sender or is using your gifts to “pad out” the holiday spending/doing less herself. I have a strong suspicion of this because of the list and the cost of the listed items.

you have done enough op You have given a lot and you are still giving it a lot of thought. You can always use some or all of the money and with your dc select and gift a child in need. It too will be anonymous and you most likely won’t receive a thank you but you will know in your heart it was appreciated and your dc will see your kindness and generosity.

She must think she has nothing and OP has everything. Even if OP is loaded and she's in a council flat on benefits it wouldn't warrant being so stingy and selfish. Also, she only sees the friend maybe once a year. What's even the point? Her friend is just a user and being this type of Godparent is so pointless and unrelated to what being a Godparent is supposed to be about.

This. It’s about spiritual guidance and support, NOT presents.

The title should say "grifting" instead of "gifting"

Wow how cheeky is she! I'm lost for words. Sending you pricey items, yet never thinking to buy your child something. She sounds grabby and stingy!

OP, you sound like a lovely, thoughtful person, and I am so sorry for your struggles in the past, and so pleased you are starting to appreciate yourself as you deserve - your post about this really struck a chord with me!

Which may be why I am so fucking LIVID on your behalf that this woman has behaved in this way.

What the Hell was going through what passes for her mind, as she sent the outrageous and unsolicited gift list, knowing full well she had no intention of ever reciprocating? The nerve of her!

This may not be your style OP, but part of me really wishes she would send a list again and you would have it out with her, and request an explanation for her utterly shitty behaviour so far. I would love to know what she could possibly say in response.......

I agree with others and JUST send a card.

IF she dared ask why no gift. 'Hi Sarah. I've taken the hint and considering you have never sent a gift to Ollie in the last 17yrs, and your kids have never thanked me for all my gifts over the years, its time for me to stop. Wishing you all a lovely Christmas you CF!'

I said a token gift not £££ gift. I just feel this smacks of punishing a child for an adults behaviour.

Again it’s not the child’s fault, just have it out with the adult.

You risk hurting the children to get back at her, "man up" and tell her how you feel about her behaviour towards her godchild?

What you choose, or spend, on the gifts to her children are none of her concern, especially as she's not reciprocating an any way at all.....

Your friend is a cf and l would have stopped sending presents a long time ago when she told you that she doesn't do money or anything else for that matter.

And what exactly is Op meant to say to the adult?
Hey Friend why do you never buy your Godchild a gift?

I don't know how you ask the question without sounding like a CFer

I would just send a card with a tenner in it. It acknowledges the birthday without breaking the bank.

I mean I don’t give to receive but my conversation would go along the lines of “I’m not sure why you’ve sent me this list” and go from there.

Please stop being a mug OP. The advent calendar idea doesn’t go far enough. Spend that money on your on kids who have missed out on godmother gifts for 17 years !

If she says anything about no gifts this year you HAVE to bring up that she has never once got your child a gift.

I'd stop the gift giving to her child altogether.

Seriously what kind of a person asks for gifts for their kids (that can cost up to £100) but doesn't send one back year after year. I agree we shouldn't give to receive but in this particular set up its time to stop. Dont send anything but a card and continue to be social if that's what you want , but make it a gift free friendship!!