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Original poster

Partner went nuclear when I told him I felt disrespected by him over Xmas Day

137 replies

Newcastlewoman · 30/12/2024 19:59

My partner is a kind, generous and loving man however he cannot bear to be criticised. On Xmas Day I cooked for 8 of us he did almost nothing to help, and around 5pm I asked him to dry a few plates and empty the bin. Yes he was sleepy but he said he would do it on his time frame and not mine and he wasn't going to jump just because I snapped my fingers. The kitchen was overflowing with rubbish and bottles so I emptied the bin and dried the dishes meaning I did everything beforehand and all the cooking and cleaning up on Xmas Day. I was really upset about this and the next day he asked why I was a bit off. I told him very calmly I felt disrespected and like a skivvy, and he went absolutely nuclear. Shouting loudly, telling me I could f* off, saying he had 'carried plates through to the kitchen' and 'entertained my family' . (We all carried the plates through and then we all played charades. ) He went off to the gym and I went off on a walk. Later on he told me he just couldn't possibly do any more than he already does (his job is emptying the bins btw... I work 4 days a week and do everything else. I guess I want to know - did other men out there do nothing? And how do we have a relationship if I can't say when I am not happy?

So AIBU to tell him I felt disrespected or is he for blowing up and shouting and swearing?
Please don't tell me to leave him, I don't want to split up over this but I do need more help and need to say when i am not happy.

OP posts:
Mamabear999 · 30/12/2024 20:07

That’s awful OP. I would not tolerate that.

Jein · 30/12/2024 20:09

This isn't normal, reasonable behaviour and YANBU.

username299 · 30/12/2024 20:10

You have a communication problem and it sounds like you walk on egg shells around him. He reacts like that because he wants you to stop challenging him.

He doesn't like women 'telling him what to do'.

Meandhimtogether · 30/12/2024 20:13

If you stay with this idiot more fool you.
He is treating you like a skivvy.

LarryUnderwood · 30/12/2024 20:15

My husband does pretty much half the chores if not more day in day out. All the washing up, some of the cooking, folding and putting away laundry, general tidying (I do a bit more of this than him), bins, loads of odd jobs round the house. We have a cleaner but when we didn't we split it pretty fairly. He's never ever moaned about having to do stuff to keep his own home in a decent state. If I'm tired or ill he will do everything (and vice versa). We both work full time, but when I was part time i did a bit more round the house, and when he was out of work for a few months he took on everything without complaint. Your partner is selfish and lazy and you shouldn't tolerate it. Men are socialised to do less domestic stuff and women are socialised to do more. So aim for a state where you feel a bit lazy and he feels quite put-upon, and you will probably have actual equality.

FatFiatMultiplaWhopper · 30/12/2024 20:16

He's not kind, generous or loving.

Alalalala · 30/12/2024 20:16

He sounds like an absolute wanker - lazy, selfish and aggressive.

Don’t live with it.

TotallyFloored · 30/12/2024 20:17

Not sure what you do want people to say if not “leave him”.

He clearly does not pull his weight, and if what you say is correct then his reaction to you calmly telling him you feel you need help is outrageous.

There may be strategies to try, such as leaving things to “his time frame”, doing things yourself but not huffing about i (were you perhaps martyring yourself by doing the jobs but then being off with him), creating a list together of all jobs, responsibilities and reasonable timescales for completion (although the minute I have to treat a man like a child I lose all respect for them and could not possibly find them attractive).

fundamentally though, he sounds like he is selfish and does not care for you. Do with that what you will.

TallNeckedGiraffe · 30/12/2024 20:17

My partner is a kind, generous and loving man

He isn’t. Stop deluding yourself.

Sassybooklover · 30/12/2024 20:18

No, not all men are like this. My husband helped dish up our food, poured the drinks, helped clear the table, made the custard for our chocolate puddings, made mugs of tea and emptied the bins. He also helped me prepare the food on Christmas Eve. My son helped dry up the things I couldn't get into the dishwasher, that I washed. My husband is very good around the house anyway - I work part-time and he works full-time and we have a 14 year old son. We work together as a team, it makes life easier for everyone.

Raindancer411 · 30/12/2024 20:19

Gawd my husband so does much and I tell others I am so lucky, and I tell him I appreciate it lots.

Sorry but if you was to not do anything, what would the house be like? Who cooks normally?

DepartingRadish · 30/12/2024 20:20

I'm really not getting kind, generous or loving from your description of him.

More like rude, ungrateful, selfish, immature and lazy. Does he think that emptying the bins is some herculean task?

He's making it sound like he's spending 14 hours down pit, dragging himself home on his bloody stumps to wait hand and foot on you, whilst you recline on your chaise longue waiting for him to lob another peeled grape into your mouth.

Can't bear to be criticised = arrogant knobhead who thinks he's the mutts nuts and that everyone else is just a bit shit.

Danikm151 · 30/12/2024 20:21

He kicked off because he knows he was in the wrong and is lashing out at you because he can’t admit it out loud.
Call him out on his bullshit and remind him you are supposed to be partners not a skivvy and a slob

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 30/12/2024 20:21

Is he usually like this? Or is this only when the house is full of your family? He might have preferred to be hiding in the kitchen doing all the cooking, dishes and cleaning rather than doing most of the entertaining the in-laws.

If it’s not the usual, then I’d have a chat about how to better divide up the hosting vs the catering aspect of having your family over.

LarryUnderwood · 30/12/2024 20:22

If I were you I'd make a list or a spreadsheet with all the jobs that need doing, a proper detailed rota with days, and put it on the fridge, draw his attention to it and say 'this is what we're doing from now on' and just do it. If he doesn't pull his weight then point it out - you haven't done x and it's on the rota. Don't nag him beforehand, just carry on and politely point it out if he misses things. It's not fun or sexy to feel like you're his line manager but it's not fun or sexy to live with a giant selfish man baby either. At least by being bossy you might get a clean house. And you can just kill every argument stone dead with 'it's on the list and everything is shared out equally'.

Original poster
Newcastlewoman · 30/12/2024 20:24

Sassybooklover · 30/12/2024 20:18

No, not all men are like this. My husband helped dish up our food, poured the drinks, helped clear the table, made the custard for our chocolate puddings, made mugs of tea and emptied the bins. He also helped me prepare the food on Christmas Eve. My son helped dry up the things I couldn't get into the dishwasher, that I washed. My husband is very good around the house anyway - I work part-time and he works full-time and we have a 14 year old son. We work together as a team, it makes life easier for everyone.

well he got a couple of drinks for people but given the grand scheme of things I didn't factor that in.

OP posts:
GCAcademic · 30/12/2024 20:24

Tell him you’ll be upping your hours to full time, and household chores will be split 50/50. You’ll be better off in all regards.

WhatTheKey · 30/12/2024 20:25

It's really very easy to be kind, generous and loving when everything is going your way and everything is done for you. You get to know the real person when they have to do stuff they don't want to do.
You have one life OP. Don't waste it with someone who's like this.

Starlight7080 · 30/12/2024 20:26

Mine cooked and cleaned after . To be fair I had been sick for most of December so he took over all the Christmas prep . He wrapped everything . Shopped and so on.
But when he was in his 20s he was useless at cooking/cleaning . Had no interest. It's only since being over 30 that he does his fair share

XChrome · 30/12/2024 20:26

My partner is a kind, generous and loving man however he cannot bear to be criticised.

Are you seeing the contradiction here, OP? Kind, loving, caring men aren't bone idle, selfish layabouts and don't get abusive when you respectfully express your feelings. I think you are not seeing him for who he really is. It's not acceptable to be so selfish and lazy nor to verbally abuse you for rightly objecting to it.
So YABU to think he's a kind, loving, caring man. YANBU to resent the person he really is.

XChrome · 30/12/2024 20:26

WhatTheKey · 30/12/2024 20:25

It's really very easy to be kind, generous and loving when everything is going your way and everything is done for you. You get to know the real person when they have to do stuff they don't want to do.
You have one life OP. Don't waste it with someone who's like this.

Amen!

XChrome · 30/12/2024 20:27

DepartingRadish · 30/12/2024 20:20

I'm really not getting kind, generous or loving from your description of him.

More like rude, ungrateful, selfish, immature and lazy. Does he think that emptying the bins is some herculean task?

He's making it sound like he's spending 14 hours down pit, dragging himself home on his bloody stumps to wait hand and foot on you, whilst you recline on your chaise longue waiting for him to lob another peeled grape into your mouth.

Can't bear to be criticised = arrogant knobhead who thinks he's the mutts nuts and that everyone else is just a bit shit.

That is a blast of pure truth.

BoredZelda · 30/12/2024 20:28

Please don't tell me to leave him, I don't want to split up over this but I do need more help and need to say when i am not happy.

He has shown you who he is. If you don't want to leave, you should stay with him and live with how he is, and accept it will continue if you have a family together (assuming you don't already).

He isn't going to change.

XChrome · 30/12/2024 20:29

Raindancer411 · 30/12/2024 20:19

Gawd my husband so does much and I tell others I am so lucky, and I tell him I appreciate it lots.

Sorry but if you was to not do anything, what would the house be like? Who cooks normally?

Why do you think you're lucky? Does he think he's lucky that you do your share? Does he express appreciation?

WiseLurker · 30/12/2024 20:29

In our house it was the men that did the cooking and subsequent cleaning up, all with a smile as Christmas is an enjoyable occasion for all of us.

He's a dickhead.