Partner went nuclear when I told him I felt disrespected by him over Xmas Day

[Newcastlewoman]

My partner is a kind, generous and loving man however he cannot bear to be criticised. On Xmas Day I cooked for 8 of us he did almost nothing to help, and around 5pm I asked him to dry a few plates and empty the bin. Yes he was sleepy but he said he would do it on his time frame and not mine and he wasn't going to jump just because I snapped my fingers. The kitchen was overflowing with rubbish and bottles so I emptied the bin and dried the dishes meaning I did everything beforehand and all the cooking and cleaning up on Xmas Day. I was really upset about this and the next day he asked why I was a bit off. I told him very calmly I felt disrespected and like a skivvy, and he went absolutely nuclear. Shouting loudly, telling me I could f* off, saying he had 'carried plates through to the kitchen' and 'entertained my family' . (We all carried the plates through and then we all played charades. ) He went off to the gym and I went off on a walk. Later on he told me he just couldn't possibly do any more than he already does (his job is emptying the bins btw... I work 4 days a week and do everything else. I guess I want to know - did other men out there do nothing? And how do we have a relationship if I can't say when I am not happy?

So AIBU to tell him I felt disrespected or is he for blowing up and shouting and swearing?
Please don't tell me to leave him, I don't want to split up over this but I do need more help and need to say when i am not happy.

Normally dh does his fair share but this Christmas he has done sweet fuck all!,I asked him to empty the bin,his reply was,why is that my job!,im actually looking forward to going back to work on Thursday.

Mine offered to wash up. He washed 4 plates, 2 pans, dumped the foil baking trays on the back door step and declared his back was aching and needed to sit down. Poor guy.
I'd only tidied the house, set the table, organised everything, made the whole bloody dinner.

I washed the rest of the pots, cleared the table and wiped the surfaces down. Then found the dumped foil trays on the backdoor step. Just why was it too hard to put them in a bin bag and in the bin?
Anyway he's done feck all else, but that's not a new story. Hence I have my new years exit plan in place.
Happy new year!

Stick with plan, sounds like a good one, you deserve so much better!

He’s taking the piss OP and thinks he can bully you through verbal abuse. If you really won’t consider leaving consider therapy on your own to communicate your needs and wants BEFORE planning any get together in your home ever again. I just wouldn’t bother doing it again. His attitude may change but I’d work on yourself and look forward to a time when you respect yourself more.

My DS prepped all vegetables, cooked a beautiful Xmas dinner with turkey and gammon ham. He loaded the dishwasher as he went so 1 load cleaning as we ate dinner. Then after dinner my 2 DS's unloaded dishwasher and I loaded it up again for the 2nd load. DS unlimited added it and put clean DC dishes away. Your husband sounds really useless. A week of not cooking or cleaning for him might make him see all you do.

No, the issue is your husband has treated you with absolute contempt. A loving partner does not do this. He’s nice to you when you are compliant at a guess

He’s training you to not question him, either leave him or comply. That’s it.

And this kind of behaviour only gets worse.

Your husband is not a kind, generous and loving man. A kind, generous and loving man would not ever behave like that. Never.

So your husband does more than you then? If he does half of everything round the house and works full time but you only do part time?

He kicked off in the hope you'll back right off as it was so awful. Then he gets to keep on being a lazy, misogynistic twat . He sounds like an absolute delight. You are in no way BU

For comparison - I’m a sahm with a dh who works long hours. I’ve done most of the Christmas prep - presents, decorating, shopping, cooking, and we’ve had a lovely time, entertaining my family on Christmas Day and his twice over the last week. He’s hugely appreciative of what I do, and while he’s on holiday he gets stuck in to the housework and does as much, if not more, than I do.

After any dinner when we’re entertaining, he would be on his feet clearing dishes and insisting that the guests stay seated, making sure they have drinks etc. He doesn’t need to be told what to do because he has eyes in his head to see for himself.

He’s not much younger than your dh @Newcastlewoman and would never speak to me like that (and nor would I). My dbs, df, fil, bil’s are all similar in their outlook. Even my gf was like this. It’s not a man thing, or an age thing. You deserve to be appreciated and supported.

It's a joke to include entertaining your family as a job he did. He should have taken on tasks to free you up to spend time with your family.

We take turns with a lot of chores. Might sound petty but keeps it fair. Who gets up with DC, who washes up/ does bedtime / baths. Not that reading DC stories is a chore, but the other washes up while it's done and washing up is a chore. Obviously if I'm out he does it rather than leave it for me. I'm not going to praise DH for "helping me" because it's his house, DC and chores too, they are our DC and jobs not mine.

Exactly not the action of a kind loving person.
Actions of an abusive prick.