Partner went nuclear when I told him I felt disrespected by him over Xmas Day

[Newcastlewoman]

My partner is a kind, generous and loving man however he cannot bear to be criticised. On Xmas Day I cooked for 8 of us he did almost nothing to help, and around 5pm I asked him to dry a few plates and empty the bin. Yes he was sleepy but he said he would do it on his time frame and not mine and he wasn't going to jump just because I snapped my fingers. The kitchen was overflowing with rubbish and bottles so I emptied the bin and dried the dishes meaning I did everything beforehand and all the cooking and cleaning up on Xmas Day. I was really upset about this and the next day he asked why I was a bit off. I told him very calmly I felt disrespected and like a skivvy, and he went absolutely nuclear. Shouting loudly, telling me I could f* off, saying he had 'carried plates through to the kitchen' and 'entertained my family' . (We all carried the plates through and then we all played charades. ) He went off to the gym and I went off on a walk. Later on he told me he just couldn't possibly do any more than he already does (his job is emptying the bins btw... I work 4 days a week and do everything else. I guess I want to know - did other men out there do nothing? And how do we have a relationship if I can't say when I am not happy?

So AIBU to tell him I felt disrespected or is he for blowing up and shouting and swearing?
Please don't tell me to leave him, I don't want to split up over this but I do need more help and need to say when i am not happy.

I don't know why anyone is suggesting she " tells him" anything. That's not going to work. This sort of bloke doesn't give a shit what she thinks. She can tell him til she's blue in the fsce, I suspect the more she asks the more ingrained he will become in his position.
op you have two choices, put up and shut up or dump him and move on. At 62 you won't change him.

My partner is a kind, generous and loving man

Erm, he's clearly not.

As for don't tell you to leave him, don't but also, you don't get to moan about it if you're not going to do something about it, surely?

The only thing that stops people “seeing jobs” that need doing is the safe and certain knowledge that if you ignore it it will be done by someone else with no repercussions.

For the rest of us (and I write this as a man) when we see washing up or drying up that needs doing, when the loo looks like it needs a clean, when the surfaces are dusty, if a load of washing needs putting on or if the washing machine is beeping away because it’s done and a load needs putting out - we just get on with it. The idea of sitting on my arse while my wife runs around doing jobs just doesn’t make sense, we get it done and then we can relax together.

This is really horrible, I'm sorry. I don't understand how he thinks he couldn't do anymore?!

DH helped me prep veg, asked if we could have a timing plan written down so he could share the load during the cooking, and did all the washing/tidying up as well as being on drinks duty all day. He is a good one, but this is how it should be!

No, not all men are like this. My husband does more than his fair share - he always wants to help in any way he can. He would never leave me to struggle with jobs, especially at Christmas. In a relationship you're meant to be a team, working together.

To be frank, your partner doesn't sound like a partner at all or a particularly kind man. Is he respectful otherwise, putside of this incident? Or is he always like this?

My partner is a kind, generous and loving man - and he tells you to fuck off because you ask him to help with some small chores. Really?

He's a lazy fucker
The person who cooks does not clear up

Shouting at you for pulling him up on his laziness is disgusting & disrespectful

I would not put up with such behaviour or laziness. You both work so ALL household chores should be split between you.

He sounds far from loving you OP he sounds as if he expects total subservience from you and that you are not entitled to express your own needs or feelings. I could not live with that.

in our home everyone helped prep the lunch the night before men and women equally. On the day my DH (sixties)made a timetable and did most of the work and we all cleared up. Why didn’t your family help either?

Is it ever possible to have a proper exchange with him where you listen to each other or is he always defensive and aggressive? Please don’t put up with being treated like this OPyou are worth so much more.

He wanted it to be good....

He won't change. So you have to. Or you have to give him a reason to. How he could say, with a straight face, that he couldn't do more than he does when he carried his pate from one room to another and made two drinks..

He doesn't sound like a kind/generous/loving man.....

I think you should do less - step back - and match his energy

I did that a few years ago - the difference in dynamic is dramatic.

When he said 'he'd do it in his own time' .. why did you not leave stuff for him to do just that?

Match his energy exactly. Do just the amount he does and no more. Pay for a cleaner once a fortnight. Accept no criticism. Do things on your own timescale. If he objects or feels disrespected, shout at him and tell him to fuck off.

this is what I will do

Are you much younger than him, OP?

I think the word that is missing is "team work". If you are not a team, then you are the skivvy.

It must be very, very difficult to live with someone who can’t be criticised. I can’t imagine having to work around that every day. How do you sort out - and let go of - day to day annoyances if you can’t tell him what’s bothering you?

Christmas lunch is a team effort. Dh me and my mum were all hands on deck. It needs 3 (big kitchen). My dad and MIL did the bulk of clearing up. One person doing everything is insanely unfair. Are you the Downton Abbey housemaid ?!

i agree with this as he is a wanker. and you need serious therapy, as thus just doesnt add up:

My partner is a kind, generous and loving man
he cannot bear to be criticised.
he said he wasn't going to jump just because I snapped my fingers.
he went absolutely nuclear. Shouting loudly, telling me I could f* off, saying he had 'carried plates through to the kitchen' and 'entertained my family'
he told me he just couldn't possibly do any more than he already does.

absolute wanker.

my dh made the whole Christmas dinner.

My husband cooked all of Christmas dinner. I made the pudding and on the day doused it in flaming brandy. I did a LOT - buying presents and cards, decorating the house etc - hut on the day I didn’t cook a thing. I would give him hell if he behaved like yours. He sounds a twat.

He doesn't sound like a kind generous or loving man. You say he doesn't like to be criticised - does anyone? I don't like being criticised either but that's not an excuse to shout and swear at your partner! It sounds like he's quite happy as long as he's getting his own way. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around him in case he loses his temper 🙁

OP. I'm not a petty person. But I would have bought a pony, a goat, four cats and a dog, and have happily installed them all in my home by the time he got back, just to see what he had to say about that,

Really?

What about the alpacas 🦙 🦙 🦙

So I work 12 hours a week

Dh is full time 1 hour commute

We have a disabled child who is 9.

I do -

Meals mon- Thurs
Pots
Laundry
Dusting
Tidying
Bathrooms
Mental load
School runs
Get ds ready/breakfast

Dh does-
Meals Fri- Sun
Bins
Recycling
DIY
Garden
Hoovering
Maintenance/technical
Cars
Ds bedtime
He will do laundry/pots at weekend as hoc

We each get a lay in at weekends

Xmas day dh cooked I cleaned up (Dsis helped)

He sounds like a horrible abusive pig tbh

My husband does all the cooking and keeps the kitchen as tidy as possible while he does it. On Christmas day I took the youngest for a long walk via the playground while my husband prepped, and then after the meal I did the washing up and cleaned the kitchen. I know my set up is unusual (I was the only woman out at the playground with several fathers and grandfathers) but your husband is selfish and disrespectful no matter how you look at it. Would you want your daughter treated like that in her marriage, or for your son to treat his wife that way? You absolutely deserve better, and that starts with you drawing a line under it and refusing to host Christmas until you've had X number of dinner parties where he proves he can pull his weight.