Partner went nuclear when I told him I felt disrespected by him over Xmas Day

[Newcastlewoman]

My partner is a kind, generous and loving man however he cannot bear to be criticised. On Xmas Day I cooked for 8 of us he did almost nothing to help, and around 5pm I asked him to dry a few plates and empty the bin. Yes he was sleepy but he said he would do it on his time frame and not mine and he wasn't going to jump just because I snapped my fingers. The kitchen was overflowing with rubbish and bottles so I emptied the bin and dried the dishes meaning I did everything beforehand and all the cooking and cleaning up on Xmas Day. I was really upset about this and the next day he asked why I was a bit off. I told him very calmly I felt disrespected and like a skivvy, and he went absolutely nuclear. Shouting loudly, telling me I could f* off, saying he had 'carried plates through to the kitchen' and 'entertained my family' . (We all carried the plates through and then we all played charades. ) He went off to the gym and I went off on a walk. Later on he told me he just couldn't possibly do any more than he already does (his job is emptying the bins btw... I work 4 days a week and do everything else. I guess I want to know - did other men out there do nothing? And how do we have a relationship if I can't say when I am not happy?

So AIBU to tell him I felt disrespected or is he for blowing up and shouting and swearing?
Please don't tell me to leave him, I don't want to split up over this but I do need more help and need to say when i am not happy.

You don't 'need more help', you need him to do his fair share of the work that needs doing. For as long as you both frame it as him 'helping' it will remain your job that he deigns to dip in and out of occasionally.

This would really upset me op.

The conversation should have gone like this...

You: I felt disrespected and like a skivvy

Husband: I'm so sorry I made you feel like that. Sit down, I'll make us a cuppa and we can talk about it.

Slight difference from shouting at you and telling you to fuck off.

He carried plates through to the kitchen 🙄 give the man a fucking medal 🏅

I'm thinking this isn't a one off, has he blown up like this before?

Eat out next year?

Not all men are like this. Mine cooks Christmas dinner on his own and does a lot day to day. You are not unreasonable to express your feelings. He is very unreasonable to have shouted as he did. He owes you an apology.

yeah, mine just does not see mess. He is 62 so i cant see it changing

Of course he sees it. It's just your job is as he sees it.

I'm in my 60's and have men friends who cook for their kids etc.

It's nothing to do with age, it's to do with attitude.

At 62 he is not going to change.
Your decision must be based on whether you can live with his attitude or if you should bin him and move on. Either you live by yourself or find a more compatible partner, or suck it up.

He sees it. He just waits you out. He knows if he wants long enough you'll do it.

I guess I want to know - did other men out there do nothing?

Not in this house, would never enter their head to be so lazy and disrespectful. We are a partnership.

And how do we have a relationship if I can't say when I am not happy?

The relationship you will have is the one you have now where you put up and shut up, that's it.

My partner is a kind, generous and loving man

No-one who could be described thus would treat you the way you are being treated.

Please don't tell me to leave him, I don't want to split up over this

If you don't want to split up over this then you will have to accept that this is your life, this is what you have chosen to accept. He will never change, he doesn't want to.* *

but I do need more help and need to say when i am not happy.

You won't get it.

yes he has done this before.

Excellent post.

He's not going to change BECAUSE he doesn't want to change. It's not a 92 year old we're talking about!

I hop you're not significantly younger than him because with his attitude you will become more and more carer/slave to him!

When you leave him is only when he realises

yes, this is what worries me

Your husband is a prick. Not normal behaviour at all

there's a lot here to think about - thank you

I bet he doesn't even reliably remember that one job of putting the bins out unless you ask him to.

Is he really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? He's not going to get better without a magic wand and some unicorn breath.

My husband has always done half the housework. Always. Neither of us regard this as him "helping me".
It's just doing his equal share.
He also did half of the childcare when the children were young.

Haven't read the whole thread, but think there are two issues here, one of which I also live with.

One is not pulling weight in the chores. My husband is great for partaking in this.

The other is lashing out aggressively when you have calmly mentioned something that needed addressing. Unfortunately I live with this too and wish I could advise beyond LTB

put up with it, don't put up with it, it's up to you.

i hope the benefits he brings are worth it, because it won't get any better and you'll hit 50 being spoken to like a piece of shit on his shoe.

Like many previous posters have said, your husband is kind, generous and loving when everything is going his way. But he's abusive and a bully when things aren't.

What would you say to a loved one that was going through this?

I hope you're okay, it can be very hard reading replies on here and slowly realising that the man you love isn't so great after all. Most posters on here are coming from a good place and we don't want to see our fellow women suffering at the hands of another substandard, selfish man as many of us have ❤️

My partner is a kind, generous and loving man

NO HE FUCKING ISN'T. Jesus, why do some women have such horrifically low standards?!

Mine cooked Christmas dinner which he does every year.

I do more around the house in general because I am part time and he works away alot but when he's at home he does his share of everything.

He always cleans the bathroom because he knows how much I hate doing it.

He's treating you like a mug. He blows up because he wants you to drop it and it probably works as you have ended up doing anything like you're his mother.

No she won't she will just end up doing even more

I think the phrase is unfortunate saying you feel disrespected. Saying he should have helped more is true, but I don't think that was disrespect, maybe laziness and in that particular moment feeling comfortable and thinking things could wait a bit while you enjoyed the moment. Dishes and bins will still be there if you sit and relax for a few moments. I'm the same as you in wanting things tidied up but I would be quietly wandering around sorting things out in between sitting and chatting (not wanting to face it all in the morning).