Partner went nuclear when I told him I felt disrespected by him over Xmas Day

[Newcastlewoman]

My partner is a kind, generous and loving man however he cannot bear to be criticised. On Xmas Day I cooked for 8 of us he did almost nothing to help, and around 5pm I asked him to dry a few plates and empty the bin. Yes he was sleepy but he said he would do it on his time frame and not mine and he wasn't going to jump just because I snapped my fingers. The kitchen was overflowing with rubbish and bottles so I emptied the bin and dried the dishes meaning I did everything beforehand and all the cooking and cleaning up on Xmas Day. I was really upset about this and the next day he asked why I was a bit off. I told him very calmly I felt disrespected and like a skivvy, and he went absolutely nuclear. Shouting loudly, telling me I could f* off, saying he had 'carried plates through to the kitchen' and 'entertained my family' . (We all carried the plates through and then we all played charades. ) He went off to the gym and I went off on a walk. Later on he told me he just couldn't possibly do any more than he already does (his job is emptying the bins btw... I work 4 days a week and do everything else. I guess I want to know - did other men out there do nothing? And how do we have a relationship if I can't say when I am not happy?

So AIBU to tell him I felt disrespected or is he for blowing up and shouting and swearing?
Please don't tell me to leave him, I don't want to split up over this but I do need more help and need to say when i am not happy.

You sound like his trapped house appliance now OP

You don't want to leave fine, but you will just have to put up with him being king of the castle and make sure that you have everything just as he likes it and never criticise or ask for his bare minimum "help"..

Not my idea of partnership.

What's the context of the day?
Did you offer to host and invite everyone over and then expect a souse helper?
Maybe he found entertaining your family an excruciating ordeal and exhausting ordeal worthy of a medal?
Too much one sided / missing info.

Kind loving and generous so long as you don't ask him to pull his weight?

I'm not sure there's a solution if you can't talk to him.

My DH is the house bin man too, he will do pretty much any other job that I ask, but I do have to ask, he just doesn't do or see what I see.

He also likes to do things on his time frame, hates being chivvied, only problem here is if left to his time frame it quite often would never get done

No this isn’t normal or reasonable. I did most of the cooking on Xmas day (partner helped with the sprouts while I dealt with a toddler meltdown, and carved the turkey), but he did multiple trips taking out the bins (wrapping paper etc as well as food waste and kitchen bin), entertained our 2 year old and my family much of the day, did all the washing up, boxed up the leftovers and did fridge Tetris to get everything put away. He also does the bulk of the food shopping (if I write him a list), while I do the present buying and wrapping. Admittedly on other days he might do the washing up etc “on his own time” or not take out the bins immediately when asked, but on Xmas day he does everything as soon as he’s asked and tries to be proactive about noticing things that need doing without being asked. He recognises how stressful it can be for me and how much I do to make it a nice day.

yes - he does pay for a cleaner once a fortnight though

Honestly, my H is very similar. He only does things in his own time. I wash and fold the laundry and put it on his bedside cabinet to be put away and it can sit there for weeks.

To be fair he did the food shopping for Christmas. I did everything else.

FYI they go nuclear and kick off because to dared challenge him. I really pick my battles. I know things will kick off if I raise anything.

They I get accused of being dramatic, spoiling for an argument, can't be happy, emotional ect.

You can't have a relationship like it. Honestly the resentment just builds. You could try and change it with relationship counselling if he's interested in engaging but I'd be surprised if he will. I imagine he'll see it as being told what to do.

This!

I work slightly fewer hours than DH but we share everything. On Christmas Day, I do majority of cooking (while husband follows my instructions on what to do) and he does all the clean up.

You wrote that you do everything else in the house, so there's literally no point in keeping this aggressive man on as a boyfriend, surely? Would you not rather enjoy life?

My family and his were invited but his were busy at home. He gets on well with mine. Beforehand he said it is his favourite meal of the year and he wanted it to be good and asked for a few types of veg. I did not expect a helper to make the dinner, just to dry 4 plates, 4 bowls and empty a bin.

I cooked everything. DH cleaned everything.

But more importantly, he doesn't shout at me to make me behave. I would leave yours and since you won't, he will carry on like this. He's training you to do everything and you are learning.

yeah, mine just does not see mess. He is 62 so i cant see it changing

Well you know what the cartoon says.

If you ask a man to do something then he will do it.

It’s completely unreasonable to keep asking him every six months.

DH worked with me all morning for the Christmas dinner and then cleared up.

He does a good half of general housework
He makes many dinners and clears up at least half the week

Yours is lazy and words won't ever change him

You might have success if you down tools for a few months - but your won food , cook your own dinner, clean your own clothes even if it would be no more effort to do his stuff as well

What do you want MN to say? Everyone (?) is telling you to leave him - do you want pp to tell you it’s your fault and to ask him to forgive you?

You don't have a communication problem, and it's not that he needs to be educated.

He's a selfish arse who is quite happy with you doing everything while he does next to nothing. Who wouldn't like the set-up that he has?

Now you, the unpaid and ungrateful maid and cook, have the audicity to complain. And you wonder why is nasty, ungrateful, disrespectful and sulky. (Hint: it's because that's who he is.)

Look, OP, you told us not to tell you to leave him over this one little thing.

This one little thing that is cooking, housework, shopping and planning: your everyday life. Day in, day out. For the rest of your life.

This one little thing that is respect and equality.

So, you can accept that this is him and this is your lot in life and carry on. Stop complaining. Make his dinner and wash his clothes and clean his house. Complaining won't make him change and only makes him angry.

Or you can leave him.

Your choice.

These kinds of threads make me feel uncomfortable. Women falling over themselves to congratulate their partners for the absolute bare minimum.

He’s a lazy arse and any other husband who doesn’t do 50% of the domestic load without wanting a medal is the same.

He sees mess, OP. It's just not his job to do anything about it. It's yours.

My partner is a kind, generous and loving man

What makes you think that? He sounds anything but. And if my dh ever spoke to me like that or refused to help when asked (and I’m a sahm and he has a very stressful job running his own business) I would be going to see a solicitor because I really couldn’t bear being married to such a selfish, lazy twat.

My DH doesn’t really enjoy the domestics any more than I do, but he recognises that only a selfish cunt would sit back and leave it entirely to his wife. So he steps up. We are a team.

But it sounds like you’ve always done everything over the years while he happily sits on his arse and lets you? If so, YABU. You’ve brought it on yourself by being a domestic martyr.

More fool you for putting up with him.

He’s a cunt.

Are you significantly younger than him?

Why would you choose to be with a partner who shouts and swears at you? This is abusive behaviour.

Please don't tell me to leave him, I don't want to split up over this but I do need more help and need to say when i am not happy.

Well, there is no answer to the OP other than: suck it up.

He is never going to change. He is awful. Leave him