Partner went nuclear when I told him I felt disrespected by him over Xmas Day

[Newcastlewoman]

My partner is a kind, generous and loving man however he cannot bear to be criticised. On Xmas Day I cooked for 8 of us he did almost nothing to help, and around 5pm I asked him to dry a few plates and empty the bin. Yes he was sleepy but he said he would do it on his time frame and not mine and he wasn't going to jump just because I snapped my fingers. The kitchen was overflowing with rubbish and bottles so I emptied the bin and dried the dishes meaning I did everything beforehand and all the cooking and cleaning up on Xmas Day. I was really upset about this and the next day he asked why I was a bit off. I told him very calmly I felt disrespected and like a skivvy, and he went absolutely nuclear. Shouting loudly, telling me I could f* off, saying he had 'carried plates through to the kitchen' and 'entertained my family' . (We all carried the plates through and then we all played charades. ) He went off to the gym and I went off on a walk. Later on he told me he just couldn't possibly do any more than he already does (his job is emptying the bins btw... I work 4 days a week and do everything else. I guess I want to know - did other men out there do nothing? And how do we have a relationship if I can't say when I am not happy?

So AIBU to tell him I felt disrespected or is he for blowing up and shouting and swearing?
Please don't tell me to leave him, I don't want to split up over this but I do need more help and need to say when i am not happy.

My partner did all the cooking on Christmas Day (for my family this year, but we alternate between families and he cooks every year). But I spend pretty much the whole day keeping on top of the onslaught of washing up, food waste, rubbish to clear etc and doing whatever else I can to help (I’m not a great cook but there’s always something to do!). I can’t imagine ever just sitting there. He sounds very lazy!

@Fannyfiggs Now you're talking.

he said he would do it on his time frame and not mine and he wasn't going to jump just because I snapped my fingers

Point out to them that if he thinks that's an appropriate way to treat your partner, then from now on you will do everything around the house on your own time frame not his, and that unfortunately will mean you won't have time to produce meals for him or do his washing or ironing. If he doesn't like it he can act like a grown up and agree to do his fair share of everything around the house.

Yep. They would still be there until she did them, anyhow. Meanwhile, he still hasn't lifted a finger.

"I guess I want to know - did other men out there do nothing?"

No. In our house we each have our own specific jobs and we do them. If you mention/remind someone they haven't done their job and it needs doing, they are suitably embarrassed/thank you for reminding them and they go and do it.

his job is emptying the bins btw... I work 4 days a week and do everything else.

You do everything the rest of the year so why would he be different at Xmas?
Work five days
Save for an escape fund
Divide everything 50 50

He is 7 years older.

Maybe do one or two things in your timeframe.

And when he notices/complains let him know/rub his nose in it?

It's not enough, obviously. You want him to treat you as an equal and with respect and he doesn't. If this lopsided relationship was acceptable to you then you wouldn't be on here asking for advice.

My partner is a kind, generous and loving man. No he is not.

He can't bear to be criticised he is an arrogant twat.

• On Xmas Day I cooked for 8 of us he did almost nothing to help. *

He is a lazy twat.

and around 5pm I asked him to dry a few plates and empty the bin. Yes he was sleepy but he said he would do it on his time frame and not mine and he wasn't going to jump just because I snapped my fingers.

He is a rude, aggressive lazy twat.

The kitchen was overflowing with rubbish and bottles so I emptied the bin and dried the dishes meaning I did everything beforehand and all the cooking and cleaning up on Xmas Day.

I told him very calmly I felt disrespected and like a skivvy, and he went absolutely nuclear. Shouting loudly, telling me I could f off,*

He is an abusive, aggressive disrespectful twat and you feel like a skivvy because he treats you like one. This is not kind, loving or generous.

Later on he told me he just couldn't possibly do any more than he already does (his job is emptying the bins btw... I work 4 days a week and do everything else.

Like I said before he is a lazy twat.

I guess I want to know - did other men out there do nothing?

I've no doubt there are other selfish lazy twats like your partner who also treat their partners like shit, but mine isn't one of them. My DH prepared all the vegetables on Christmas Eve and cooked the dinner on Christmas Day. He also did a load of other things too.
In nearly 40 years of marriage he has never once shouted at me or told me to F off, because we're partners and treat each other with love and respect.

And how do we have a relationship if I can't say when I am not happy? This isn't a relationship to stay in.

Please don't tell me to leave him, I don't want to split up over this ...

Why not? He treats you like shit and you deserve better. He's not going to change. This is who he is.

100% this. He knows he doesn't do what she considers his share and he knows it bothers her. He just doesn't care because he's an entitled dick.

My partner is a kind, generous and loving man

How? As your post only shows him being unkind, lacking in any generosity and extremely unloving

This sums it up nicely.

You started this by saying your partner is kind and generous. But at no point does he come across as so, quite the opposite. He is obviously terribly out of order, mostly for not even recognising the amount you were doing and having to be asked to help you out. Why did all of this fall on you?

I guess he isn't bothered if the kitchen is clean. I always cook so it fell on me on xmas day. He did suggest going out for dinner. He contributes a lot to the home and bills and would always suggest a take away if i was tired etc. He makes me tea every morning and feeds the cats tho TBF this is a 5 min task

Out of interest (and missing the point entirely) what were the other six people doing while you waited on them all hand and foot?

You know his reaction was disproportionate and unfair. But it also sounds like you martyred yourself on Christmas Day. Did you have any conversation in advance about who would do what? I can't bear sitting down and leaving the kitchen like a bombsite so I get it but my answer to that is to rope people in to clean as you go. To stick a spare bin or bucket outside the door for empties.

well it was my bro and his wife, their 3 kids and my son. I don't expect the kids to help, my brother carved the turkey and SIL brought veg. DP sat around all morning, ate his dinner, carried 4 plates through to kitchen then sat down and had drinks, played charades, watched tv. He bought 1 gift which the perfume dept wrapped for him. My bro and SIL more than did their bit. The kids all got drinks for each other - the issue is the prep, the cooking, the dishwasher / washing up, the bin, drying up

I’m not sure why your son couldn’t have mucked in more. Presume he is a grown man? Feels like if you are not more assertive you’ll be waiting on him too in your old age and he’ll be expecting his wife to model his parents marriage.

Later on he told me he just couldn't possibly do any more than he already does (his job is emptying the bins btw... I work 4 days a week and do everything else.

Obviously that’s rubbish. Can you up your hours and pay for a cleaner so you both cover alternate weeks? I would start the new year as you mean to go on and ask him to take on more than emptying some bins. Could he do anything if you spent a week in hospital or developed dementia? What’s going to happen when he retires and you are still working?

I guess I want to know - did other men out there do nothing?
some do a lot and pull their weight, some do nothing at all. If anything my husband does all the cooking and much of the cleaning up, and all the mental load around food planning and shopping.

how do we have a relationship if I can't say when I am not happy?
Hold your nerve on this one. You’ve been perfectly reasonable and he haha not
with his bullying behaviour

You should raise your standards stratospherically higher than a boyfriend who makes a cup of tea and feeds a cat.
The entire point of him is to enhance your life, make it easier and fun. What's holding you back, dating this burden?

I would go on strike in this situation so he realises exactly what there is to do ..good luck

I did too much this year and have calmly pointed that out to my dh. He did the food shopping and brought extra chairs down, bit of vacuuming etc so he wasn’t useless.
He agreed that next year needs to be different and he will support me with making that happen. Historically I have ‘been in charge’ and ‘not a social cook’ so can’t moan about anyone to be fair.
If my dh had gone nuclear on me I’m not sure how that would have gone tbh. Not well I’m sure and I hope I would have stormed off with Ddog and not matched his reaction.
Your dh, OP, is a dick who knows being volatile gets him out of doing his share.

I cooked all the time and on the very very very rare occasion when I didn't want to h did not cook. He ordered a takeaway or would make the kids pasta and peas or mackerel on toast. Used to piss me off big time. He's now ex h.

Interested to know why you did the bins and drying up when your OH had said he would do it - in his own time. No point in doing what you've asked him to do and getting huffy with it. Just chill and leave it to him!!

If you cooked the other able bodied adults should wash up and clear away. That's how Christmas works here.

No one else did their bit, going by what you have written.

Agree.
None if this is “kind, generous and loving” op.