Thinking of not giving my son his main present.

[MrsPeregrine]

This year my son was going to get a new bike. It’s a brand new Frog one and it cost me £499, a lot more than I would normally spend on one Christmas present, but his current bike is a 3rd or 4th hand one that is heavy and stiff so difficult to ride, doesn’t have gear etc. He has other presents that he will be getting too.

However, his behaviour towards the whole family hasn’t been great at times and yesterday was particularly bad. He’s 9. This morning I woke up to him walking in our room asking if he could go on an elf hunt with his sister. I told him not to wake her up and he ended up shouting at us both and calling me a bitch and telling me I’m a rude shit several times.

Im absolutely disgusted and this behaviour is on another level to how he has been previously. I worry about what he will be like when he is older and him terrorising us in our own home. We live in a terraced house and he knows we worry about annoying the neighbours by being too noisy so if we tell him off he starts shouting and it gets louder and louder. He hit me yesterday. His sister who is 7 has never sworn at us or hit us and is generally very well behaved. She knows my son is getting a bike this year and I stupidly told him that he is getting a big present this year - which I regret now.

I just think after the way he has behaved and spoken to me this morning he doesn’t deserve it snd it’s like we will be rewarding his bad behaviour so will send the wrong message. His birthday is in April so we could save it for then. At the same time I dont want there to be a big fall out or upset tomorrow as it would ruin the day for my daughter and I don’t want him shouting and yelling when our neighbours are trying to have a peaceful day too.

What would you do?

Wish I had added a poll now and have just tried to edit my post to add one but it won’t let me.

Possibly you need to worry less about online polls and more about whatever is going on in his life that he’s reacting to?

For instance, where is he learning that it’s ok to speak to his mother like that? Who are his role models? What part does the other adult you refer to play in his life?

I don’t have a solution - because obviously depriving him of the promised big present is hardly going to make for a peaceful of joyful Christmas for any of you. For the sake of everyone else I would continue as planned - give the gift and try to get through the festive season. Then (and I realise this is easy for me to say) look into family therapy and / or some sort of professional intervention for him.

Children can be vile, we all know that, but nine is too soon to start terrorising the household.

I personally would give him the present. He's your son and you love him and you don't want him having a horrible memory of the year that he didn't get his big present. Also for his little sisters sake. But strong words and future consequences about that behaviour. He needs to know it won't be tolerated. The bike will only be used when he has earned it through food behaviour. Kids are tough. Hope you have a lovely Christmas.

I would unconnect gift giving with good behaviour for the sake of your peace and happiness. Its one of the least helpful aspects of the santa myth. Give him the bike tomorrow because that's what you intended to do. And in your own head do not resent him for it.

Then separatly address his behaviour after Christmas madness has passed.

I agree with the above. Withholding his Christmas present at this time would probably make things even worse but something is going wrong and it needs sorting.

Does he hear anyone else calling you a bitch? You don't mention a partner so could it be your ex who is referring to you like that? You need to make it clear you will not accept that kind of language in your house and that is non-negotiable. Maybe have a talk around New Year and couch it in terms of a new start. Talk to him about what he feels is wrong in his life. Maybe there are things you need to fix as well.

There is nothing terrible going on in his life that he is reacting too. He has a very nice life. He wants for nothing which is probably part of the problem. He certainly hasn’t learned that language from anyone in our house so I guess he must be hearing it at school. My husband is a great dad (and husband) and we are very much a team when it comes to parenting. My daughter is treated the same as my son, we try our best to be fair, and her behaviour is completely different.

i would give him the present but have a word today about his behaviour.
a quiet word

i was thinking ‘keep the bike back’ but reading the other replies actually I think I agree. However I would say to him that you will remove the bike and start grounding him when he behaves badly. I would be quite strict I think as he is approaching teenage years and I recall the hell that was for everyone in my house growing up with my brother who was awful.
If he loves the bike perhaps you have some leverage!!
Agree with others that he’s learning this behaviour somewhere and at 9 it’s worrying. Lots of luck xox

Thank you, really appreciate the responses and advice. Yes parenting can be tough at times.

Have a talk with him this morning. Tell him that his behaviour test was disappointing, that you love him and that today he needs to be more aware of how his words and actions can be hurtful. Give him a cuddle and work out 2 or 3 nice things that will happen today. Don’t mention presents.

Hopefully today will be calmer. Give the bike tomorrow without comment on behaviour. If he speaks that way to you again, that’s when conversations about consequences need to happen and the bike can be a tool in those conversations if needed.

Hope you have a better day today.

Look … You can’t voluntarily start a thread saying Something is going wrong in my household and then, when people respond, immediately go on the defensive with Nothing is wrong in my household - everything is perfect.

🤷‍♀️

Something is going on, this isn't typical behaviour. It may be a bullying situation at school, it may be a falling out, it could be hormonal, testosterone peaks, or it could be an underlying SEN issue.

I would give him the bike. This isn't the time. Maybe I am reading between the lines, given your concern of his reaction how are and how often are boundaries imposed?

In a few days sit down together and set clear boundaries and expectations. Link to a reward, bike time. Do not deviate.

Does he have access to devices ? If so ensure it is under supervision only.

Hi OP.

I'd give him the bike but in the new year I'd find a chikd psychologist and book some sessions. This level of aggression is very high for a nine year old and you need some support in getting to the root cause. Hope your day tomorrow is peaceful.

Psychologists can be amazingly effective when kids are young. Have you got BUPA or similar through either of your employers?

For instance - in your OP you were so reticent about your great husband that half the thread isn’t clear about his existence.

Is your son calling him a bitch? Is he hitting your husband? What is your husband’s reaction to this behaviour? What are his thoughts about how you should both handle this going forward?

I’m sorry if that sounds as if I’m getting at you. I’m not - but your OP makes this sound like exclusively your problem, and there must be a reason for that.

But I hope you manage a peaceful Christmas.

Thank you so much. I think what you say about not mentioning presents is really good advice actually. Yes I’m going to let the dust settle and will have a quiet word with him later today.

We've been coming up against some difficult behaviours in our DD aged 10. Difficult in a different way to your issues. I think it's a hard age. Hormones starting to kick in. Brain development not happened yet. Even DH asked if there was a parenting book or something he could read. He's found "between" helpful just for his understanding.

I really agree with this.

They arent really gifts if they are rewards for good behaviour or can be taken away as punishment.

Tackle behaviour as a seperate thing.

As you say above, I wouldn’t feel bad still give him the back but have serious consequences for this kind of behaviour. All children have their ‘challenging little ways’ and mine aren’t perfect but if they spoke to me like that there’d be serious consequences. My 6 year old hit me in frustration the other day so he didn’t get the (small) treat the other children got at the end of a day out. Have a quiet but firm word with him today. Explain his behaviour is unacceptable and explain that there will be consequences if it continues. Decide what those consequences will be (no TV, bike/other toy removed for the day, whatever) and follow through.

Agree give the bike. And then ....... after Christmas follow up with a serious talk with him. Tell him what behaviours are unacceptable, tell him the consequences of infringements ... and follow through rigidly ... no bending the rules. You do X, the Y will happen.

Good point. Thanks.

I think you need to set firm boundaries now about behaviours at home before he gets to teen years. And if I was in ur position I would link the gift with expected behaviours - if he is rude the bike gets padlocked. If he’s rude to you or your DD the bike is padlocked until he apologises.

Some children find the lack of normal routine and the excitement and anticipation leading up to Christmas overwhelming. His behaviour was absolutely not okay, but Christmas only comes round once a year I don’t think you should base his gifts solely on his behaviour in the week leading up to it. Presumably when you bought him the bike you felt he deserved it? Using Christmas or birthdays as a basis for punishment by withholding gifts is the sort of thing that will ruin relationships between parent and child permanently.

Consequences for his behaviour need to happen when the behaviour occurs, or close after it. In his mind this mornings incident is over now, don’t punish him for it on Christmas morning. That’s not to say don’t give a consequence to his behaviour, but a more reasonable consequence to how he acted would be to say that he can’t do the elf hunt and his sister will do it without him.

Sorry - first sentence full of typos! Just agreeing with those saying you should still give him the bike but have a firm chat about behaviour

Give him the bike.

Spend the next few weeks making a fuss and praising him for the smallest of positive things he does. Talk about him to others in a positive light so he can hear. The bad behaviour won’t have any currency then. Read about ‘self fulfilling prophecy‘ with children.

Happy Christmas.

Have the serious behaviour chat today though! Just don’t link it to presents .

I have no parenting advice. I was your son and counselling might have helped. I had MH issues and autism (neither diagnosed). The language and behaviour are obviously completely unacceptable.
Did you son think that he had come up with something nice for/with his sister and hope to be praised for it if he often in the wrong? Again as I say his response was unacceptable.