Thinking of not giving my son his main present.

[MrsPeregrine]

This year my son was going to get a new bike. It’s a brand new Frog one and it cost me £499, a lot more than I would normally spend on one Christmas present, but his current bike is a 3rd or 4th hand one that is heavy and stiff so difficult to ride, doesn’t have gear etc. He has other presents that he will be getting too.

However, his behaviour towards the whole family hasn’t been great at times and yesterday was particularly bad. He’s 9. This morning I woke up to him walking in our room asking if he could go on an elf hunt with his sister. I told him not to wake her up and he ended up shouting at us both and calling me a bitch and telling me I’m a rude shit several times.

Im absolutely disgusted and this behaviour is on another level to how he has been previously. I worry about what he will be like when he is older and him terrorising us in our own home. We live in a terraced house and he knows we worry about annoying the neighbours by being too noisy so if we tell him off he starts shouting and it gets louder and louder. He hit me yesterday. His sister who is 7 has never sworn at us or hit us and is generally very well behaved. She knows my son is getting a bike this year and I stupidly told him that he is getting a big present this year - which I regret now.

I just think after the way he has behaved and spoken to me this morning he doesn’t deserve it snd it’s like we will be rewarding his bad behaviour so will send the wrong message. His birthday is in April so we could save it for then. At the same time I dont want there to be a big fall out or upset tomorrow as it would ruin the day for my daughter and I don’t want him shouting and yelling when our neighbours are trying to have a peaceful day too.

What would you do?

Wish I had added a poll now and have just tried to edit my post to add one but it won’t let me.

But the bike was for Christmas, so that's what dictates the timing. It will make more of an impression now than it would on some random day in January when he could give a shit.

"Sorry, son. We wanted you to be happy on Christmas Day, but respect and love are two-way streets. Until you make an effort to show us good behaviour and respect us as your parents, you are going to get the bare minimum in return. Enjoy your Lego and tube of Pringles."

There's a lot of catastrophising about how badly this boy is going to turn out. I suspect a similarly behaved girl would receive less aggro.
I also suspect if what the OP is describing is a pattern that there might be something else going on as he sounds similar to my dc with adhd.
I agree too that children are massively wound up and excited about Christmas, by the adults in their lives.

There is another 364 days in a year to discipline the child, what was wrong with disciplining on the day he did it?
Lose his console or whatever for a few days.

Hyping a 9yo who might still believe in Santa up for weeks and months about Christmas to cancel it at the last minute is cruel, verging on abusive.

It will ruin Christmas for everyone and is likely to make a bad situation worse. How can he ever trust his parents if they did that to him.
Christmas is just not the time.

Has he got something wrong with him that's not been diagnosed ? X

I'm sure you have had lots of advice OP, but just wanted to add to the chorus of "look into SEN".

I have 3 children, all the same parents and household and only 1 who would (and does) do these things. He is in the process of being diagnosed.

I don't know if it helps you, but one thing I have done is reframe his behaviour, and that makes the household a bit calmer. What I mean is, I recognise that his rude behaviour is part of his meltdowns, and attributing it to that rather than being a bad kid has enormously helped both of us, and we are much closer.

He would get the bike but I would seek parents' counselling.
No 9 yo calls me a bitch.

This is very concerning.If a nine year old uses these words,bitch, rude shit , it would indicate these are words he is used to hearing,

this sounds like a very disturbed and emotionally damaged little boy. And I’m afraid op I’d also have thought this was coming from in his home. If it genuinely isn’t, then you need to gently talk to him about where he is learning this behaviour and language.

im also concerned about your view of the future and him “terrorising “ you, rather than being concerned for him and wanting to help him and resolve this.

I understand you say not from the home, but only you know what goes on in your house, and parents need to lead by example, I’m glad you’re not going to punish him by mot giving him his gift, that would be horrendous parenting.

i hope your son gets the help and support he needs, and uou all have a lovely Xmas.

I don't think ruining a child's Christmas is the way to discipline him , have you sat him down and had a chat explained that his behaviour is not ok and asked if there is anything he wants to talk about or wher he is hearing that language ? What happens when he acts out like that is there consequences in that moment after it happens ?

No, and what’s more concerning is the op was not only willing to ruin his Xmas in this incredibly punitive way, to a troubled 9 year old, but her only concern in doing so was if he kicked off and ruined it for everyone else. Particularly her daughter, the golden child. And decided in future she wouldn’t tell him about gifts in advance, so she could treat him like this without fear of repurcussions.

hopefully she has time to reflect on why something like this was her go to, and why she doesn’t understand or acknowledge that when a child behaves like this, then something is causing it, something very significantly damaging in this little boys life.

My daughter of 4 called me a rude bitch 🤬. Turns out a girl in her class called her that. Teacher spoke with her parents. Could it be something like that? Age dependent of course.

@MrsPeregrine how has Christmas gone?

Send the lot back! Jesus. The naughty list has his name at the top. Do not reward this.