Thinking of not giving my son his main present.

[MrsPeregrine]

This year my son was going to get a new bike. It’s a brand new Frog one and it cost me £499, a lot more than I would normally spend on one Christmas present, but his current bike is a 3rd or 4th hand one that is heavy and stiff so difficult to ride, doesn’t have gear etc. He has other presents that he will be getting too.

However, his behaviour towards the whole family hasn’t been great at times and yesterday was particularly bad. He’s 9. This morning I woke up to him walking in our room asking if he could go on an elf hunt with his sister. I told him not to wake her up and he ended up shouting at us both and calling me a bitch and telling me I’m a rude shit several times.

Im absolutely disgusted and this behaviour is on another level to how he has been previously. I worry about what he will be like when he is older and him terrorising us in our own home. We live in a terraced house and he knows we worry about annoying the neighbours by being too noisy so if we tell him off he starts shouting and it gets louder and louder. He hit me yesterday. His sister who is 7 has never sworn at us or hit us and is generally very well behaved. She knows my son is getting a bike this year and I stupidly told him that he is getting a big present this year - which I regret now.

I just think after the way he has behaved and spoken to me this morning he doesn’t deserve it snd it’s like we will be rewarding his bad behaviour so will send the wrong message. His birthday is in April so we could save it for then. At the same time I dont want there to be a big fall out or upset tomorrow as it would ruin the day for my daughter and I don’t want him shouting and yelling when our neighbours are trying to have a peaceful day too.

What would you do?

Wish I had added a poll now and have just tried to edit my post to add one but it won’t let me.

My 6 year old son has been in trouble a lot at school the last couple of weeks. He has been hitting and losing his temper. My first thought was remove some of the presents I had bought but then realised that would just flare the situation.

I took him out for a walk and we had a long talk about the behaviour and got to the bottom of it, worked with school to give him the tools he needed and touch wood, the last week he improved dramatically.

I feel for you OP. Does he game at all? I discovered my 6 year old was playing Fortnite and GTA with his older cousin when he was staying there one weekend, which was part of the issue and has now been stopped.

I know it is hard but a good frank talk is what you need here and not removing the bike. Although off topic, have you heard of the Bike club? Much cheaper way to get Frog bikes, if your daughter needs one next.

Give him the bike.
His behaviour is something you need to deal with separately.

And what was the reaction to the swearing from you and your husband?

I would have erupted and got out of bed with a "How dare you talk to me like that!" and removed him from the room and sent him to his, to give a very clear reaction that that is not acceptable

I never shout or swear, and am very calm but sometimes a proper telling off is what they need, he is pushing boundaries and he needs to know where they stand to feel safe. not being wishy washy about things that are important to you is essential.

The bike, well he wouldn't know he hasn't got it so I'd still give it and if he likes it it is a great future tool for behaviour management. However, to him he has no idea really about money, he won't appreciate it more because it was £££££ instead of a cheaper Halfords one.

I would be looking at what he is watching/accessing online. Some online gaming chat is full of abusive language and aggression.

It will probably sound very archaic but in the first instance I think your husband should sit down with him and talk, “man to man”. Probably outside of the home so he has to engage. If as you say he treats the family with respect, he can cite himself as an example of how men should behave and how your son’s behaviour is not acceptable. I would also want him to find out where he was learning this language.

I think most women have been called a bitch at some point or other by angry offspring but 9 is very young for that.

Whatever you decide to do, I would not withhold the bike. I’d want to know he was safe out riding.

Some really great advice on here. Thank you all so much. I will be giving him the bike now. I will have a chat with him today.

Agree with lots of the above but one thing to add: don’t blame school. Saying or hearing the word bitch might happen at school but calling your own mother one is another level, not normal at all in a nine year old and you shouldn’t just downplay that. Why is he so angry? Why can’t he regulate his emotions suddenly?

Thats actually a really good idea about the walk. I will do that today as long as it doesn’t rain. He has a laptop but he only plays minecraft on it and it’s got a lot of restrictions on it.

No I haven’t heard about Bike club but will look into it when my DD outgrows her current bike. She will end up with this one at some point after my son outgrows it but will need one in between.

A calm approach really is the best way. Sit him down and explain quietly the words he used are very rude words and can not be used again. Ask him where he heard them. Suggest he writes a little note or some other way to repair and apologise - and work on gently addressing these issues in the new year calmly and in a controlled way. If you overreact so will he, and this will continue to escalate.

Never use gifts as bargaining chips.

And notice next week when he hasn’t used the words, and praise him.

Don’t connect the present and his behaviour .

In my experience though boys of that kind of age up to about 14 can be pretty horrific at times . I think it’s hormones , my youngest was horrible and my oldest incredibly tearful at about 10/11 . I also think the world is a scary place at the moment and hard to comprehend as they transition from childhood innocence

It might be coming from someone at school but could also be coming from social media / YouTube or even just Netflix’s . Even if your own settings are spot on doesn’t mean his friends are . I never let my kids have TikTok but they had plenty of stuff forwarded to them by friends

That would be a cruel move and would be unlikely to improve his behaviour. My answer would probably have been different if he was 14, but at 9 that is something I couldn't countenance.

I genuinely believe this is all true - but something is going on, and it may be outside the home.
Is he being bullied at school, feels small and unseen there, so tries to be "seen" at home by this aggressive behaviour

Where has a 9 year old heard that sort of language so frequently as to use it with confidence, calling you a bitch. Kids dont use a word having heard it slip out of your mouth in an unguarded moment of temper, he's heard people calling others a bitch frequently. Whats the environment like in your home and what is he exposed to via youtube etc?
Ive a 12+ year old would never, ever call me a bitch, not a chance. Nor would his mates speak that way to their mums - a 15yr old sure i might somewhat expect that, but at 9?! Something is going wrong here with parenting

Agree with other advice and your plan. I would also negotiate some responsibilities for him on Christmas day and going forward, grow his pride in himself being valued for good things.

This, you should have absolutely torn a strip off him for speaking you that way whereas it sounds as tho you hardly responded!!

I think @Saturdayssandwichsociety makes some good point. I sometimes let a "bloody hell" slip out when I've eg smashed an egg in the floor in the kitchen etc, but my 7yo has never repeated it.

Then what do you think is going on? This is extreme behaviour from a 9 year old.
I can’t think that delaying giving him the bike will help in any way. Family therapy might. Talking to him seriously and openly when he’s not angry might get somewhere.
TBH, parents who insist that their child is having a wonderful childhood with faultless parenting may be missing something.

I think it's more complex with these sort of situations than punish/reward tbh OP. With the aggressive behaviour and the way he escalates when in anger/distress and whatever, I'd be looking for more opportunities to connect and soothe. I'd definitely give him the present and try to lean into the warm feelings around it

Mine would have had strips torn off him if he called me a stupid bitch, fat shit etc. absolutely unacceptable.

No, he doesn't deserve the bike but I understand why you feel you have to give it to him being Christmas Day and all.

I would take him out of the house today, on his own, and I'd be having a very firm chat with him regarding his behaviour and what your expectations are (for tomorrow especially) and going forwards. Don't be walking on egg shells, this isn't the time for gentle parenting. He needs telling!

He is certainly hearing it somewhere and I would want to find out where. He needs to know it is an unacceptable way to speak to you or any other woman.

stupidly told him that he is getting a big present this year - which I regret now.

There would be no point in not giving him the bike if he didn’t already know about it - he’d be losing nothing.

I have a 9 year old, I would definitely not give the bike. Soz but don’t be a rude brat and then you might have got your bike?? Cannot believe he dared to hit you - got to change in 2025! They’re scarily strong already at this age aren’t they.

No, I wouldn’t withhold the bike but I would be having a calm chat at an appropriate time that his language and behaviour was unacceptable.

I really don't like using Christmas present removal as a punishment it seems so cruel. You can discipline in the moment but don't spoil his Christmas, he's 9.

A 'calm chat' is not a consequence whatsoever for a 9 year old. Where is the consequence. A 'calm chat' would not stop me doing something again if i wanted to!