Thinking of not giving my son his main present.

[MrsPeregrine]

This year my son was going to get a new bike. It’s a brand new Frog one and it cost me £499, a lot more than I would normally spend on one Christmas present, but his current bike is a 3rd or 4th hand one that is heavy and stiff so difficult to ride, doesn’t have gear etc. He has other presents that he will be getting too.

However, his behaviour towards the whole family hasn’t been great at times and yesterday was particularly bad. He’s 9. This morning I woke up to him walking in our room asking if he could go on an elf hunt with his sister. I told him not to wake her up and he ended up shouting at us both and calling me a bitch and telling me I’m a rude shit several times.

Im absolutely disgusted and this behaviour is on another level to how he has been previously. I worry about what he will be like when he is older and him terrorising us in our own home. We live in a terraced house and he knows we worry about annoying the neighbours by being too noisy so if we tell him off he starts shouting and it gets louder and louder. He hit me yesterday. His sister who is 7 has never sworn at us or hit us and is generally very well behaved. She knows my son is getting a bike this year and I stupidly told him that he is getting a big present this year - which I regret now.

I just think after the way he has behaved and spoken to me this morning he doesn’t deserve it snd it’s like we will be rewarding his bad behaviour so will send the wrong message. His birthday is in April so we could save it for then. At the same time I dont want there to be a big fall out or upset tomorrow as it would ruin the day for my daughter and I don’t want him shouting and yelling when our neighbours are trying to have a peaceful day too.

What would you do?

Wish I had added a poll now and have just tried to edit my post to add one but it won’t let me.

Tackle the behaviour separately. We used 1-2-3-Magic which was very helpful as you very clearly state the behaviour you want to see and the consequence if they don't do that. But it also gives them chance to do the correct behaviour first and not face the consequence.

He seems intensely excited like my little boy.

Don’t punish him with gift - that’s too big of a disappointment and too loaded a punishment for his little mind to process.

It seems like there’s a lot going on for him.

I would check how he’s sleeping and when you’ve narrowed it down, address how he spoke to you. A consequence is fine but not Christmas.

I am not a child psychologist. However I did a module as part of my Access to Higher Education course. I had to research and write an essay on whether teeange years are always "a time of storm". The evidence points towards the following- good relationship with the parents prior to puberty plays a major part in how children experience teenage years. If the relationship is good it's a massive protective factor to avoid the storm. The opposite is also true. It's not fair to compare your son to your sister. They are 2 different people. I have 2 sons born 21 months apart. They might as well have been born to 2 different sets of parents. They are so different in temperaments, likes and dislikes etc. I suggest you give you son his bike and have a nice Christmas. Then find a good family therapist to work out what is bothering him/where you are going wrong/strategies. A ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure, in my books. My boys are now teenagers, and it's not easy. I hope it helps

There is no way I'd reward shitty, disrespectful behaviour with an expensive bike. He needs to learn that actions have consequences. Tell him his big present has been sent back as a consequence for hitting you.

No wonder there are so many arsehole men out there; after reading this thread it's clear that today's mums will accept any crap behaviour from little boys and still reward them with "cuddles" and indulgence. And the cycle continues...

This, though I don't agree with giving the bike.

You're mean OP

Firstly he was excited and bothered to ask you re asking his sister to go on an elf hunt

You meanly said no

Now you're taking away his present

Poor kid

You shouldn't give someone who calls you a bitch anything anytime soon. Your job as his parent is to prepare him for real life. Do you think his future wife should be giving him gifts worth £100s just days after he speaks to her in an abusive way?

Where did he even hear that language? Wherever the root of it is, find it and remove it from his environment.

I wouldn’t give the bike either.

If he’s rude to anyone they would withdraw their time and energy their friendship wtc
thats real life.

People withdraw for al sorts of reasons.

Exactly!!

When I read the endless posts on MN about women in relationships with horrible adult men, I always think "Who raised these men to be so abusive, entitled and inconsiderate?!"

This ⬆️, in a nutshell.

Don’t make Christmas a naughty or nice test. Deal the your son’s behavior separately.

Why should Christmas be treated differently when it comes to consequences for bad behavior? If a 9yo speaks to his mother like this, what will happen when he’s 17 and towering over her at 6ft tall? There have been stories here about young adult sons becoming abusive towards their mothers and out of control since they were 15. This doesn’t happen overnight—it’s a progression that starts with behavior like this. If we don’t address it early, it’s only going to get worse. Children need to understand that their actions have consequences, and that doesn’t change just because it's the holiday season. Allowing bad behavior to go unchallenged will only let it grow into something far worse later on.

I don't think Christmas presents should be withdrawn for bad behaviour.
But you definitely need to try and find out what is happening with your son. And tackle his behaviour towards you but not that way as it's bound to be counter productive and probably lead to even worse behaviour.
He is still very young to behave this way where does this behaviour and swearing to you come from? Has something happened recently to prompt this behaviour? Has he been online?

Don't withdraw his present, he will remember that for far longer than he remembers the reason why. Can you not spend time talking with him today and get an apology out of him?
Is he just being "bad" or is he overwhelmed/ struggling, having meltdowns?

Of course gifts should be withdrawn for bad behaviour!

Failing to do so is part of we end up with all the selfish, entitled, irresponsible, shitty and thoughtless men we read about here on MN the other 364 days of the year.

Raising a son to be a decent human being and responsible member of society is a lot more important than "making memories at Christmas."

Like I always say, who raised all those sub-par, irresponsible, abusive men? They don't crawl out from under toadstools. Their characters are a result of their parenting or lack thereof.

Well said, @Anonymus89

I agree. Some people's bars are set very low!

What's the point in that??
The whole idea of the new bike is to get one that's easier, faster to ride, probably to fuel a love of cycling into the child?

Also it's Christmas Eve who has time at this stage in the day to run around exchanging kids main presents?

I don't agree with withdrawing the bike. It just seems like it will cause more hassle than it's worth.

However I do think the behaviour needs stopping but Christmas isn't the time. We hype kids up for months and weeks for Christmas. To withdraw Christmas at the last minute is verging on abusive.

I agree with this post. This "opportunity" to punish him is inappropriate. Why not deal with the behaviour separately.

Actions have consequences, and Christmas is a good time for finding out. The proverbial lump of coal didn't invent itself.

Should she wait until he is a physically violent 15-year-old who outweighs her?

He struck her. We aren't just talking about being insolent.

We've had similar behaviour from our DS since he was around 6. Not the swearing at first but nastiness, name calling, screaming and shouting, slamming doors, punching and kicking us. And the language now he's 11 is appalling. He hasn't witnessed anything like it at home; DH and I have a good marriage.

He's now diagnosed with ADHD, autism, ODD abd anxiety. He's medicated, sees a phychiatrist and has counselling. We've also had support from early help (social services). It's very slow progress, no easy answers, but I would push for a referral for your DS. This isn't normal behaviour and if it isn't what he sees at home then there's likely more to it than simply "bad behaviour".

We've also been tempted to withhold his main present but in reality he'd be devastated and it would only make things worse.

Solidarity from one stressed mum to another!

The point is a 9 year old kid doesn't need a £500 bike and suggesting it is returned is a comment separate to the fact that consequences and punishments for his apparent frequent misbehaviour should be issued instantaneously.

He can be told that he will be getting a new bike but after Christmas. No need to rush about on Christmas Eve at all. He gets a new bike just not a £500 one. There are prefvtly good new bikes for far less that will be easier to ride and faster and instil a love for cycling. But a bratty kid doesn't need to be treated to luxury even as part of his Christmas present.

Should she wait until he is a physically violent 15-year-old who outweighs her?

No. She should just wait until it isn't Christmas Eve/Day. IMO anyway.

Raising a son to be a decent human being and responsible member of society is a lot more important than "making memories at Christmas."

But there are those other 364 days you mentioned in which to do that...