To want family members to choose their own gifts for DCs

[ItsVeryHyacinthBucket]

Each and every year, Christmas and birthday, I get a round of texts from everyone in my family (my side and in laws) asking what my (two primary aged) kids want to get. I used to respond with 'DC1 likes fairies and cars, DC2 likes art and unicorns' type thing but increasingly, family have asked for web links to be sent for a specific item.

For the last couple of years, relatives have expected me to either choose a specific thing and send them a link so they can send it (I then have to giftwrap it) or they send me money and I have to choose, buy and wrap.

I don't want to sound ungrateful because of course, this is generous - but the end result is that not one family member actually chooses and wraps their own gift for my kids. I basically have to decide every single present that each DC will get, from everyone they know, and wrap them all up 'from' Granny or Aunty So-and-so. It sucks the soul out of the festive giving for me - it feels like we may as well just send our money direct to Amazon. Zero magic.

This year, I don't want to do this. SIL has already been asking me for links to 'what my kids want'. I have told her they would be happy with anything. She asked again, what do they want. AIBU to say I'm thankful for the offer but am happy to let her choose this year, and if she doesn't want to, then just to leave it? I'd say the same thing to anyone else who asks.

TL/DR: I don't want to orchestrate Christmas for my family by choosing every single present on behalf of my relatives. WIBU to tell them to choose their own this year. And if so, how do I put it?

No help to offer sorry but I feel the same! Only difference is DD is now 12 so some do ask her direct. I guess the good thing is DD is always delighted with all her gifts!!

In same position and completely agree. Several retired people who pootle leisurely around the shops almost every day expect me to come up with, buy and wrap a present on their behalf. My mother is one of them and also never pays me back. I tried pushing back last year with my MIL but she bought a present for one child and not the other.
They are unspoilt children who are very grateful for everything they are given. I wouldn’t mind at all if some presents missed the mark, I want them to learn to be grateful for all gifts.
My sister-in-law does it perfectly. She decides what to buy then sends a quick message to check they haven’t already got it.

I would rather point a relative to a thing or two my child would actually like than get stuff they already have or would have no interest in.

I know it's a good way to get them exactly what they want, but I kind of wish sometimes they would get something different - something they didn't realise they wanted but ended up loving...or not loving, and giving away/passing on. All this seamless get-get-get can't be good for them!

@dontmindthegap your SIL sounds like a good 'un!

YANBU. Surely they can use their initiative or at least buy a voucher? I wouldn’t be giving links or buying stuff

@dontmindthegap expecting you to wrap as well is peak laziness!

I don't have any advice but only my deepest sympathy I'm in the same situation - not wanting to seem ungrateful but I actually find it a bit sad that no one wants to look for their own gifts.
I love a suggestion - a few suggestions of what someone might like and I'm off searching but like you they want us to think of the item, I order it and wrap it, write the bloody label and they hand over the money but all feels a bit of a sad way of doing it.
My husband says it's just the way it is and tbf he does help sort it but would be nice if people just brought presents themselves like the good old days.
I'm waiting for the what can we buy anyway now and the can you just order it...

Both dc have amazon wish lists that we add to throughout the year when they see something they like. It means they get something they really like, family know what to get and very little thought from me. It also helps for family who live far away as they can order it gift wrapped and delivered.
For the 5 years all of the extended family have done the same (lots live all over the country) takes the stress out of buying for everyone.

I don't mind them asking but I'd be very annoyed if anyone expected me to wrap

I say. They're pretty easy and like xyz type things. I got a reply saying what in specific as they wouldn't want to double up. I just said I'm sure you can get a get receipt. However if it's a double up it's no problem as they keep toys at inlaws too

YANBU. This happens here too. Adds to my mental load and takes away from theirs! I’m not partaking this year. I’m feigning stupidity and ignorance. I have enough to do as default parent and life admin manager (caveat before anyone comes at me, my DP is great, very hands on and in terms of Xmas does all his family’s gifts etc).

I get that it's easy, but isn't it limiting only getting what's available on Amazon? I'm in my late(ish) forties but I still remember some truly random gifts I got from my aunts and uncles as a kid (tiny painted wooden box with a hinge lid, book with a stitched cover, owl earrings, body shop makeup set) which were like treasures to me. Just for the fact someone else had chosen them. The thrill of opening a present wrapped differently to how your own parents do it. The surprise and variety. I think those things matter more than easiness. Perhaps I'm a minority in this opinion and they don't matter to everyone?

Exactly the same situation here, OP (with DH's family mostly), and I bloody hate it! I know that probably sounds a bit churlish, the kids are of course very lucky to have lots of people wanting to buy them presents, but Christmas is such a hectic time as it is and it takes all my headspace to choose and buy gifts from Santa Claus and from us for each of the kids, as well as presents for other family members. To then be asked to think of more presents for each of our kids from MIL and BIL just does my head in. At the beginning MIL would suggest getting them delivered directly to our house 'for convenience', but I did at least put a stop to that and make sure everything goes to her place, so any wrapping/gift tags etc are on her.

It's lovely that you have those memories but for us, we have limited storage etc. So for us it's better if the dc get something they want rather than something random that may or may not be liked or played with.

Same Op, same! My family never ask as I feel like they know DCs well enough, but all of DHs family hound me with messages wanting direct links to gifts. Drives me nuts! Use your imagination fgs, they're little kids

I think you are wrong here. Most people struggle with getting presents even to their spouse. And extended family who do not have small children themselves - or whose kids have grown - have no idea what kids like and want these days.
Isn't that why kid do lists for Santa?

When my kids were smaller - we'd go to a big toy store sometime in the fall to have a look-see - it was a fun way to spend a fall afternoon, look and play with toys and give me some ideas of presents.

I think what you are saying in your post is that you want the people around you to make more effort, and you don't want to direct everything. But - in the end of the day - it is about your kids getting presents that they'll actually like.
Xmas is just once a year. And kids grow up quickly - very soon the Xmas gift list will be reduced to next version of gadgets, and/or clothing vouchers.
Enjoy this time, tiring as it may be for you...

YANBU. I have the same thing ever bloody year too and it pisses me off. Buy something or don't, and if you want to give something but lack any imagination send a sodding cheque. I can't come up with ideas for everyone every year for myself, my husband and my two DC!!!! Email received from aunt last week 'I need suggestions for all of you for Christmas please'. Arrrggghhhhh!!!!

I love the juxtaposition of the last two posts

I am with cheezncrackers on this.
I remember it well. Pil had a lovely time sending me £20 by paypal for a £21.99 present that I had the idea for, actually went to the shop and wrapped! dc all grown up now thankfully.

Dh's family have always exchanged money, apparently since Dh was about 12 all his family and parents just gave him money and did the same with Sil and Bil. So Dh seems to consider buying a present a pointless waste of money that would be better off going in the child's savings account. Personally I don't see the point in exchanging £10 notes between the parents that the kids never actually see, it takes all the pleasure out of it. Especially with young children.

I find it baffling and so clinical/transactional. My parents gave me presents for Christmas and birthday right up til my mum became unable to do it (I was 44) and it was too much for my dad to figure out a present so now he just gives me money which I use to buy something special.

I absolutely do not want my kids to only get presents that they like or have chosen. That’s not the point of Christmas or gift giving at all.

Can you not just say:

"That's really kind of you, and to ensure there's no overlap of gifts, DH is managing all the present suggestions and links and wrapping this year, so I've passed your message onto him - feel free to chase him if he doesn't get back to you promptly."

You've handled this job for the last few years, it's time for him to step up.

Presents to my DC from family include a Whoopee cushion, a drum kit, many toys that make loud and repetitive noises, toys from China made of tiny sharp bits, and a "fart blaster". I'd love it if they asked me what to get.

Hey OP, wanted to say thank you for posting this. It's been insightful, as have the comments..

I am someone who asks for a link/exact product. I know people of all ages can be rather specific with their desires so I want to make sure I get the 'right' thing rather than adding something to the consumption crises which is just going to get fast tracked to the charity shop or landfill. However I'd never thought about it from this perspective before! It's offered me a totally new viewpoint. From now on I'm going to take a moment to ask 'is there something specific you can link me to or would you prefer to give me a general steer and I'll do the leg work?'. Likewise with my family, rather than sending them specific lists for my DC I'll start offering them the choice of a general steer of the sorts of things they're into so they can get creative with shopping, or a link to a specific item if they'd prefer that rather than just assuming everyone is like me and wants to be both efficient and give a sure fire winner of a gift 🫣 Some people will enjoy the shopping/thinking/planning etc, others not so much.

It's similar here I keep a Amazon wish list up to date with things and always tell them they can buy anything for the kids the list is just a guide. But without fail I get instructed to chose for them and end up having to wrap as they order Amazon to my door not theirs.

It's got to the point that I have over sized gift bags I re use each year for many of the grandparents gifts to the children