To want family members to choose their own gifts for DCs

[ItsVeryHyacinthBucket]

Each and every year, Christmas and birthday, I get a round of texts from everyone in my family (my side and in laws) asking what my (two primary aged) kids want to get. I used to respond with 'DC1 likes fairies and cars, DC2 likes art and unicorns' type thing but increasingly, family have asked for web links to be sent for a specific item.

For the last couple of years, relatives have expected me to either choose a specific thing and send them a link so they can send it (I then have to giftwrap it) or they send me money and I have to choose, buy and wrap.

I don't want to sound ungrateful because of course, this is generous - but the end result is that not one family member actually chooses and wraps their own gift for my kids. I basically have to decide every single present that each DC will get, from everyone they know, and wrap them all up 'from' Granny or Aunty So-and-so. It sucks the soul out of the festive giving for me - it feels like we may as well just send our money direct to Amazon. Zero magic.

This year, I don't want to do this. SIL has already been asking me for links to 'what my kids want'. I have told her they would be happy with anything. She asked again, what do they want. AIBU to say I'm thankful for the offer but am happy to let her choose this year, and if she doesn't want to, then just to leave it? I'd say the same thing to anyone else who asks.

TL/DR: I don't want to orchestrate Christmas for my family by choosing every single present on behalf of my relatives. WIBU to tell them to choose their own this year. And if so, how do I put it?

I completely agree. My friend calls it their Christmas voucher because that’s all it is. Drives me mad the sending it from amazon and then you have another present to wrap as well! Fil is particularly useless so last year we suggested he took the kids to a toy shop. Worked brilliantly, they all loved it. Not exactly a surprise to unwrap that way though.

Tell them to message your DH and let him come up with something….unless he’s like mine and has as much of a surprise as the (now adult) DC at Christmas. 🙄

This is crazy. Of course they won't have a clue.

Mine are 12 and 14. My siblings don't have kids. I've always bought gifts from them and my mum and they have given me money.

makes much more sense to ask the question and ensure they are vetting something they want/need and to avoid double ups.

i see my nephews every day. When they were younger I communicated with my sister about what to get, no I talk with them and they send me links to specific clothes or whatever for me to choose from.

The point is, I'm already doing the thinking/shopping/planning for:

• School extras for Xmas (Fayre, Nativity costume, bottle tombola etc etc
• Work arrangements for the holiday period
• Childcare to cover the above
• Social life and playdates over the holidays
• Family outing bookings, Christmas light trails, panto
• Giifts for family and friends, incl schedule of when to drop them off
• Christmas food, incl staggered schedule of where and when to buy it
• Hosting family/ housework
• Gifts for my own kids incl planning, shopping and wrapping

So in terms of 'being efficient and enjoying the planning' I think I have it covered, thanks - and would value others stepping up too.

@Sashya nailed it: 'I think what you are saying in your post is that you want the people around you to make more effort, and you don't want to direct everything.'

I welcome this every year. My brothers don't have kids and don't have a clue. My dad doesn't have a clue and DH's family who live miles away don't have a clue. This way I get them to buy the things that are on my radar anyway and the kids are happy.

I am with you, OP. It's pure laziness. They dump the mental load for organizing presents on you, rather than doing it themselves. It means you get all the hassle and they get all the rewards.

Sometimes my family ask for links and sometimes they don't, I prefer being asked tbh. I generally have a list of stuff to get the kids by then and I just send something from that.

Where I draw the line is buying, wrapping and sometimes not even being paid back? wtf? They need to be buying and wrapping it themselves and ofcourse paying for it with their own money at the very least!

My dad does this as well; he asks what they want, orders a specific thing, and then I have to wrap it myself. On the other hand it does mean they don’t get unwanted stuff.

In addition to the ballache of having to sort it all out it's the 'want' and 'don't want' that bothers me. I don't think it's good for kids to be able to 'order' what they want for Christmas, like a shopping list, and then lo and behold, they get it all!

Gifts are meant to have a surprise element surely - something that you didn't already know about that turns out to be wonderful. Or not - in which case, at the very least you can pass it on to someone else, charity or sell it.

How about asking them to choose something to wear or pyjamas?

I used to keep an amazon wish list - because I do understand I spend a lot of time with my kids (obviously) and my family only see them a few times a year.

BUT

My kids are a pain to buy for for myself, so struggling to think of so many things was difficult, and sometimes I wanted to keep my good ideas for myself!

Luckily they've all reached the age where they'd prefer money now, with the exception of one sister who gives all the kids sweets (food is also very acceptable to them :) )

I think it's both laziness (even though understandable), and a bit of a kind of cowardice - not wanting to admit they don't know the kids well enough by just giving money..

See this is what I don’t get. You would prefer your children to get useless presents than just provide a rough idea. It could still be a suprise for the child.

its almost like you want to trip the relatives up somehow.

This would annoy me ifnitbwas multiple relatives. YANBU, but maybe suggest something like

they're into x y z and would love a surprise, really struggling myself this year for ideas. If you're not sure and you really want to give them something vouchers are welcime so they can choose something after christmas.

That way you've helped but also been clear you cant be specific. If they get a voucher this is a plus as you can save them for school holidays or another time they need some entertainment, or if they need something specific.

My inlaws used to require a list. But it got old quick as it had to only have things they could get easily in supermarkets or argos. They now give a sum of money. I spend some of it on gifts from them. Basicthe things i'd have got probably but i dont spend the money. I leave them aside and MIL wraps them when she turns up for christmas. They always gove a large sum (hundreds) which i can never spend. So a good chunk goes in DD's savings or put aside for anything needed during the year.

I get this, coupled with two additional twists:

• I don't want to get anything on the (carefully chosen, easy to buy, varied price points) list, what else do they want?
• People who say they'll get a much wanted present, only to change their mind, get something else and NOT TELL ME.

But they're still a surprise? I don't tell my DC what I've asked other people to get them and they don't know that I've been asked either. As far as they are aware their uncles have all got them brilliant gifts and not unwanted tat.

We do this in my family, send actual links to what we and the kids want. They all do the same. However, just in case it's a hassle for them to think of things, I always say "We're happy to choose something." They always choose to send links.
I know it's work for you but I do think it's the best way. I have one friend who always chooses gifts for DD, and DD never likes them! It makes me sad. Such a waste of my friend's time and money.

I have found my people!!!!!!

To be fair, money is a bit tight for us at the moment so there are benefits in that the dc can get most of what's on their lists, but it's the effort I have to expend thar drives me mad. It's not jist telling them what to buy, it's the endless panicking because they left it too late and now can't get the right colour or size (which, of course I have had to tell them). And then the endless worries and explanations that I have to reassure them about. I spend the first hour of any Christmas event with in laws having to tell them the presents they bought for the dc are perfect (even thoughbhalf the time, after all this, they aren't because they are not even what dc wanted!).

I also admit that I have been guilty in the past of being frustrated that then dc will love the present from them the most and thibk Aunty penny or granny are THE BEST PRESENT GIVERS. So now I am very careful about what I allocate to who.

Dc are getting older and mostly want money now. I'm fine with that.

I hear you!! My parents get it and ask if dc would like specific things, I say yes wherever possible. Mil messages and says can you get something for the kids for £20 each from us pls so I tell dp that’s on him and don’t think about it again. When we first had babies dp would pick the nicest present from the ones I’d bought and say that’s from my parents so I had to tell him that made him an ungrateful jerk and since he didn’t pick or buy any of the presents from us he could bloody well come up with something from his parents or they wouldn’t be getting our dc anything and that’s on him.

I agree Op!!!
it drives me mad. I have to think not only of gifts for the kids from us but from all their aunts, uncles & grandparents AND coordinate to make sure I don’t tell two people the same thing! And MIL never pays us back for it so it’s always an additional expense.

it makes gifting feel so transactional.

The best Christmas gifts I ever had were the surprises

The reason I ask what children want (specifically) is because I do not know everything they already have. I would hate a child to be disappointed to receive a gift they already had an identical one of already. I have been given vague descriptions before such as Lego or a particular brand of doll for example. This again could cause the same issue. If adults get annoyed with me asking for specifics so be it,I'd rather not disappoint a child with a duplicate and I'm sure the parents if they really thought about it would prefer not only not to have a disappointed child but also save them the hassle of getting the gift changed.

The point is, I'm already doing the thinking/shopping/planning for:

• School extras for Xmas (Fayre, Nativity costume, bottle tombola etc etc
• Work arrangements for the holiday period
• Childcare to cover the above
• Social life and playdates over the holidays
• Family outing bookings, Christmas light trails, panto
• Giifts for family and friends, incl schedule of when to drop them off
• Christmas food, incl staggered schedule of where and when to buy it
• Hosting family/ housework
• Gifts for my own kids incl planning, shopping and wrapping

So in terms of 'being efficient and enjoying the planning' I think I have it covered, thanks - and would value others stepping up too.

@Sashya nailed it: 'I think what you are saying in your post is that you want the people around you to make more effort, and you don't want to direct everything.'

Completely agree. Why should you carry the mental load for everyone? It's so lazy of them. My kids were taught to be grateful and say thank you for everything they got even if occasionally it missed the mark.
My DN send me her Amazon wish list unprompted and also never says thank you. I find that incredibly rude .

Are you saying you know better than the parents ? That's a really lazy cop out .

I think these days with things being so expensive that they don't want to make a mistake, disappoint the child and the child end up with something they really dislike or don't want.

Also with kids seemingly growing up so much faster what I may have bought my 10 year old back in the day may seem babyish.

Vouchers are a half way cop out and again can go wrong. Often end up being used by the parent who may not have otherwise wanted to shop in that shop and who have given cash value to the child.