To want family members to choose their own gifts for DCs

[ItsVeryHyacinthBucket]

Each and every year, Christmas and birthday, I get a round of texts from everyone in my family (my side and in laws) asking what my (two primary aged) kids want to get. I used to respond with 'DC1 likes fairies and cars, DC2 likes art and unicorns' type thing but increasingly, family have asked for web links to be sent for a specific item.

For the last couple of years, relatives have expected me to either choose a specific thing and send them a link so they can send it (I then have to giftwrap it) or they send me money and I have to choose, buy and wrap.

I don't want to sound ungrateful because of course, this is generous - but the end result is that not one family member actually chooses and wraps their own gift for my kids. I basically have to decide every single present that each DC will get, from everyone they know, and wrap them all up 'from' Granny or Aunty So-and-so. It sucks the soul out of the festive giving for me - it feels like we may as well just send our money direct to Amazon. Zero magic.

This year, I don't want to do this. SIL has already been asking me for links to 'what my kids want'. I have told her they would be happy with anything. She asked again, what do they want. AIBU to say I'm thankful for the offer but am happy to let her choose this year, and if she doesn't want to, then just to leave it? I'd say the same thing to anyone else who asks.

TL/DR: I don't want to orchestrate Christmas for my family by choosing every single present on behalf of my relatives. WIBU to tell them to choose their own this year. And if so, how do I put it?

I'm grandma with one grandchild. I must admit I'm guilty of asking her mum, my DIL, what can I buy her for Christmas. I don't need her to buy it or wrap it, I'm just so worried about getting it wrong/does she already have it/can I find the receipts/will the shops accept it back/will the clothes fit/do you have storage for the toys etc etc. I also desperately don't want to waste my time and money, I'd much rather she have bits that she wants/likes/will play with.

I got a list last year, this year I haven't. I've asked several times and got no response so I'm not going to keep asking. I can take a hint, maybe my DIL does feel like you. So I've bought stuff just with my fingers crossed. I do look after my granddaughter whilst her mum works so all I can suggest if she doesn't want it or doesnt/can't return it, it will all have to stay here with the toys I have for her,here. That to me will seem a pretty pointless exercise but so be it, it's up to my son and DIL what they want to do with it all. I just want everyone to be happy!

It's a long time ago since mine were little, long long before amazon wishlists etc but I used to buy the presents from "the grandparents" for my children. They'd always give me a budget and the money....generally back then, my husband and I would do one massive shopping day to get everything , including their stuff....I'd buy it, give it to them to wrap up and hand out Christmas day. I never had a problem with it, I never really thought about it, it seemed all very normal and it was a way of my kids actually getting what they wanted.

I also don't think there are the presents anymore like when we were little. OK I'm obviously a lot older than you, and the "toys" we had were no way mass produced like they are today....and there wasnt the volume of toys that kids receive today, things were very different, but even since your generation to now, there's not the toys you look hanker after/look back kindly on, imo.

I've really struggled to even know where to get toys for granddaughter, since we've been back on the toy present circuit. There's no toys r us, woolworths, big ELC (can only find small concessions), no argos to physically see any toys in, not many independent stores anymore. Everything mostly is online. If I'm really honest an Amazon wishlist sounds fabulous! Other than collating a list, there's not much else for you to do is there? Let people pick, pay and get it delivered to them to wrap to give on Christmas day. I would have loved that for my kids

I guess for you moving forward is to just refuse to do it and be honest "I'm unable to keep suggesting and/ or buying presents for the kids....I know it's an expensive time of year, but also a busy one for me...honestly the kids will be so happy and grateful for anything that they receive from you 💓, its the thought that counts 🎄". I wouldnt be offended if I received a message like that and nor would I ask in the future. I guess the only "problem" you've got, is asking for receipts etc if you want to exchange etc.

Another huge bug ear is when you tell them what the kids want, then they leave it ages before ordering and then it's out of stock! I make sure I never give out super wanted gifts for this reason.

I’ve had this from a lot of family members most of the time since the dc were toddlers - they are 10 and 12 now. Mostly buying on their behalf and often wrapping as well. Yes it adds to my mental load but .. they don’t have any kids in their lives, some aren’t mobile or tech savvy and wouldn’t know where to start. They are generous and appreciate me doing it for them. I do sometimes give them some options so they feel more involved.

Couldn’t agree more. It’s the same people who say ‘it’s the thought that counts’…… well then, think then? Why am I the one having to do the thinking for you??? Looking at you FIL!

It’s one thing asking what a niece or nephew you haven’t seen for 6 months is into now. But so many people want actually specific links to exact products 😵‍💫 what is the fucking point, just forget it.

Op I get this but the kicker is : he doesn't get what I suggest and we keep going around in circles. I wish I could send a link and be just bloody buys it but we have this dance " of course they arnt expecting anything but if you did blah blah...".

I've also always said money.
Money in a card

Op can you ask for money??

Can you divide up the relatives who you give less and more support too?

The other people who asked us almost ask like a power trip, ask us and we will do the opposite or moan.

I'd love to be able to assign various things.

But I do know what you mean! However can they help you out and do lists back?

DC over 18 now, but back in the day I definitely preferred to direct people towards the gifts that would be good and age appropriate. There were a few instances where people bought a gift off Amazon and sent it unwrapped and/or direct and expected us to wrap and tag it, but mostly not. The stand out unsuccessful pics were from the go-it-alone without advice relatives although most of them got it right from time to time.

I hear you OP, but I’ve just given up and keep a wishlist going (I use Moonsift as you can add things from any website). I can add a wide range of options and prices and people mark off stuff they have bought to avoid doublers and then nearer Christmas I check to see if anything I know DC are desperate for is unpurchased and I can decide whether we’re going to buy it.

i end up having to come up with my own ideas for DC from me/DH and also for other family. And they all share lists with us. I miss the whole going out looking for gifts, particularly because the couple of people in my family who loved a well thought out surprise are no longer with us. It’s all a bit transactional.

But on the flip side, no tat gets bought, and DC get presents that are really hoped for.

I feel your pain. Have been adding buying my MILs gift, wrapping it etc.. to my long to do list for years,

I wish they'd just get them something small.

My dcs are grown up now but when they were small this 'what shall buy ' was exhausting. Most annoying was if I showed my DM something I had bought for dcs that may have taken effort to source etc and she would say ooh I will give them that! Here is the money. Aargh

As a parent, YANBU.

As a gift buyer, YABU. It's exhausting.

It’s the same here. I have to choose, order and wrap every single present from family.

I have the same thing. The point of gift giving is to put some thought into it. So I or my kids will give general guidance if asked like a theme but leave it at that. I still get asked to wrap gifts which I really hate.

I think you should put your foot down about wrapping, that really is their job. But it really is better your kids get stuff they actually like.

Honestly, I would rather be sent the money and then get my dc a gift they really would like, rather than the pile of crap that isn’t suitable that I know we would end up with instead. We don’t live near any family. They really don’t know my kids, who are both ND and quirky in their interests. I look at the threads on the Christmas board relating to their ages and it wouldn’t be appropriate at all. I am more than happy to sort it out, and we all have a lovely Christmas. Wrapping a few extra presents is hardly difficult. The meltdown over inappropriate gifts would spoil everything. Choose your battles. At least you have family who care enough to want to send your kids a gift.

Oh absolutely. I dreaded it every year. My ex’s mum would say “What am I getting for GC?” After many years I finally blurted out very sarcastically “Oh I don’t know, a thoughtful present?”

It’s hard enough making your own lists without having to do everyone else’s thinking for them too!

Seriously, we grandparents/family members can't win. If we go out and got something that we think the kids will like, it'll turn out they already have one, or that their obsession with Duggee finished a fortnight ago and now they only want Peppa Pig. And the same mums who moan about being asked for ideas, will roll their eyes at the gift being too old/too young/too plastic/too big.

I get it. I remember resenting giving my best ideas to the grandparents when my kids were young. But there just isn't an easy answer to gift giving.

Why is anyone doing this ? All these kids obviously have far too much and the parents are overloaded with having to choose yet more tat for their children. Do the parents appreciate it ? No, they gripe about the extra effort it causes them. Do the children need it ? Probably not. Greed and excess all round. Just don't bother. The kids won't miss it and the parents will be less stressed and less pissed off with the friends/relatives who ask.

Exactly.

I ask relatives who ask about this kind of thing, to just give vouchers/money (which they can just order online and have posted to the house if they like, super easy) or if they REALLY want to wrap a physical gift up and send it, just buy something "consumable" (bath bomb, stickers, sweets); that way, the exact choice doesn't really matter much, that way, because if it's a flavor of chocolate the kid doesn't like, it can always be offered to someone else or left near the coffee machine at the office etc.

Amazed by how many parents seem to actively want all this extra tat coming into their house.

When I am buying for kids I do the leg work as I know their interests and will then send a link to the parent asking if that is ok to get. That way they can say if they already have it or their interests have moved on. I do sometimes message before asking if they are still into whatever it is.

If I am giving money once they get a bit older and would prefer that I will get something small like novelty chocolate or put the money in a puzzle maze so they have to figure it out to get the money out.

I am sure the parents appreciate it, and it is no hardship to just look at a link I send and at say yes or no.

There’s a board on Mumsnet for Christmas. Look at the posts there or make your own. People are very specific about ages and interests. Get two or three ideas. Text the child’s parents that you were thinking of getting a, b or c and which they think is best.

@Rainbowdottie have you asked your son for ideas for his children? Why the focus on DIL? Also if you look after your grandchild, surely you would walk around the toy section of Sainsbury or go to Smyth's and see things that you know your grandchild would like?

My son's besg presents have been from his nana and grandad who also do 1 day a week childcare and therefore they know him. They know what he might enjoy and they've chosen things themselves.

Also my best friends who are his chosen "aunt and uncle" who adore him also get the best suprise presents for him that have never been on the wishlist. They thought of it themselves which is so nice and surprise for us parents too! (Albeit sometimes loud presents just to wind us up but it's part of the banter we have together)

We get the nicest clothes from our in-laws but here is the thing. They ask for a gift recipet so we can always exchange them but I love seeing what outfit they have chosen..ps it's not stupid stuff it's normally things like a nice hoody or t shirt.

OP I would definitely draw the line at wrapping for them! I'd do a wishlist and say here are some ideas but please feel free to think of a surprise too. That way you also don't have to guess what their budget is. The only time I've allowed stuff delivered straight to me was when grandparents purchased a big present e..g a Wendy house!

It’s awful because I feel the same and yet find myself texting ds and db doing the exact same!! Have gotten the kids presents before that they already had some iteration of, or that they gave the fakest thanks or smile at. People are just trying to get it right!

I used to have the opposite problem- aunts, uncles and grandparents who spoilt my dc so much with toys which were often too old for them! I would have preferred to choose the correct age appropriate gifts.

Happens to us too. Used to be just MIL, now it's my mum and sister too. MIL actually asks me to order on my Amazon acct (as we share) and just pay on her card. Last year I had them all posted to her for birthdays and Christmas. She then rang me and complained that they were all delivered to her, she wanted them sending direct to my house. I told her I had enough to wrap and I wasn't wrapping hers as well as she would be seeing the kids plenty before events to hand gifts over.

MIL expects me to do this - come up with the idea and buy a gift on her behalf. I always direct her back to her son. I already make suggestions to my parents (divorced) although they don't expect links or for me to buy on their behalf.

It's surprising she still asks me given that every year I tell her to speak to DP, but in her mind it's wife work therefore my role even though we both work full time