To want family members to choose their own gifts for DCs

[ItsVeryHyacinthBucket]

Each and every year, Christmas and birthday, I get a round of texts from everyone in my family (my side and in laws) asking what my (two primary aged) kids want to get. I used to respond with 'DC1 likes fairies and cars, DC2 likes art and unicorns' type thing but increasingly, family have asked for web links to be sent for a specific item.

For the last couple of years, relatives have expected me to either choose a specific thing and send them a link so they can send it (I then have to giftwrap it) or they send me money and I have to choose, buy and wrap.

I don't want to sound ungrateful because of course, this is generous - but the end result is that not one family member actually chooses and wraps their own gift for my kids. I basically have to decide every single present that each DC will get, from everyone they know, and wrap them all up 'from' Granny or Aunty So-and-so. It sucks the soul out of the festive giving for me - it feels like we may as well just send our money direct to Amazon. Zero magic.

This year, I don't want to do this. SIL has already been asking me for links to 'what my kids want'. I have told her they would be happy with anything. She asked again, what do they want. AIBU to say I'm thankful for the offer but am happy to let her choose this year, and if she doesn't want to, then just to leave it? I'd say the same thing to anyone else who asks.

TL/DR: I don't want to orchestrate Christmas for my family by choosing every single present on behalf of my relatives. WIBU to tell them to choose their own this year. And if so, how do I put it?

My mum puts an amount of money to cover all our Christmas presents and my birthday (which is in the new year) in my bank account. She used to expect me to buy stuff for DDs with the money, send her a photo of it and then wrap it and say its from her. It added to my workload but she considered that to be a job well done on her part. She said its pointless her buying anything.

She still just sends money but I don't buy presents with it. It either goes in their savings or we put it towards a family day out. No fake "ooh look what Nana lovingly bought for you this year. Isn't she great".

It drives me crazy too, the gifts I buy DC are an afterthought because I’m so exhausted trying to think of things for everyone else to buy! On the other hand, one person asks then buys all these additional ‘gifts’ which they’ve very obviously found in sales and got without any thought for whether DC would actually want them (characters they’re not interested in etc). I feel so ungrateful but it’s not a bargain if the child definitely won’t want it!

I dont have dc but have 6 nieces/nephew. With the young kids I choose and buy for birthday/christmas (unless there's a big thing that I can club in for with the other relatives). With teens it's money for bday but absolutely choosing a gift for Christmas. So much fun exchanging presents (we all get together at Christmas or "fake" christmas.) the joy of getting something right is very great! Though I do feel guilty when I sense polite gratitude that's hiding disappointment... oh well they can always sell it on vinted.

Me and my dp have our birthdays and Christmas all within 2 weeks. I always get asked what I want/what he wants and feel pressure enough at that! I'd def want surprises for my dc.

It can be frustrating but I do think a lot of the time it just works out better for all involved. Those buying things know that they are spending money on something that is actually wanted/will be used, and the person receiving ends up with something they will enjoy rather than something that will sit gathering dust until it makes it way to charity shop/bin.

Plus it prevents any duplicates. Yes there are lots of toys out there and you’d think it’s unlikely but it’s really not. Take my godson last Christmas as an example, he LOVES Cars the movie, obsessed with it, his favourite thing ever. Everybody knows that so come Christmas everybody heads to Smyths and to the “Cars” section. Suddenly the pool of toys to choose from is smaller and he ended up with 3 of the same big toy last year and so 2 were returned and then that hassle was for his mum to do & then choose something else anyway. This year his mum has done an online list of things he’d like & then when people buy one we tick it off.

But you don't 'think of them'? You ask someone else to do that.

Also as a gift buyer I slightly hate the really specific link, much prefer a general steer (DN likes X at the moment) as there's room to be creative. I live overseas from the nephews and always wrap and post the presents. The SILs usually send direct from amazon for DD, with no note, no card, no wrapping and it's tricky to work out who sent what.

This happened to me all the time with the kids growing up.

I think it mostly comes from family who don't know the kids so well just wanting them to have something they want.

All I can suggest is to use the offer advantageously.

So if they are getting a barbie house or whatever, you can add on the car, caravan, horse etc.

Or get nicer things of stuff you need, blankets, pyjamas, hats, gloves, that sort of thing.

I much prefer when our relatives do that to be honest, otherwise they buy completely age inappropriate gifts. I don't wrap them, just stick in gift bags we use year in year out. I don't really have to think hard about what to buy as I keep a wish list for DC.

My mum and siblings send me money for the DC, and then a few days before Christmas she comes and collects what I've chosen and wraps it herself. This works perfectly, because I've usually overbought, and I decide last minute which gifts I can delegate for others.

My inlaws ask me to do an Amazon wish list for each child, and then don't tell me what they've bought and nearly always forget to mark it off as bought. So they end up with doubles or triples or the same item. I was told I shouldn't buy anything off the list myself to reduce that risk, but I only buy last minute when I see items they really wanted haven't been bought by anyone. If I didn't add items they wanted, I'd have to think of a whole list of filler things they hadn't asked for 😂. I am happy to give suggestions, the alternative is usually much much worse. I just wish they'd tell me if they have bought from the list!

I just experienced this for the first time with my DIL and her dd (my gd)

Gd turned one in October so i messaged saying i was thinking of a toddler activity table/ride on toy/push along walker and what did DIL think best of the three.

I then got sent a link to a toy for a much younger baby. Which was not remotely in the category of options.

So i sent a link to a toddler table, just saying it might last longer as the baby was pulling up and the table had many activities for kids ages one to three years old.

And then DIL sent back another link saying "i would prefer this" and this time it was a toddler table but not a very good one IMO!!

So - Christmas it's going to be money. For ds, dil and GD. They can work it out themselves!

This actually bothers me less as the kids have got older as generally I'm not the one coming up with the ideas anymore. My older 2 DC either tell me what they'd really like for Christmas and I make a note of it, or they send me their wish list. If a relative asks for ideas I just delegate something from their lists that is within their budget. I find it harder with my youngest though as it is still generally me having to come up with everyone's ideas.

But I find it helpful to share their wish lists out a bit so the full financial burden doesn't land on us but they still get the majority of the things they want or need, within reason. And if enough people ask for ideas from their lists, it sometimes gives me a bit of scope to shop for surprises which is what I much prefer to do anyway!

What I do hate is when they order things and have it sent to me to wrap though - all of DH's family do it without asking if it's ok. When it's multiple gifts for multiple children, it takes ages and costs a fortune in wrapping paper. My family would never do it!

Yes, I meant to say, for those who expect parents to wrap gifts for them, get some gift bags that can be reused indefinitely and it takes a second to pop things inside. It's still annoying behavior though.

I wish there were more places which offered a gift-wrap-and-send service (for an additional fee, obviously). I live overseas and sending gifts from Japan is now a HUGE hassle since they changed the postal system, so I have given up and just send vouchers/money to kids instead. Bit of a shame but so much easier.

DH is like this, and always has been. Before the internet you had to give him the shop and exact description of the product. You can't even ask for something like a sweatshirt, he'd need the brand and colour so needs links. On the other hand I'm more freestyle and will see something and say ooh that's nice for X and buy it. He's also specific on on price and has been known to give 20p if their present is under budget. My kids think he's autistic.

The thing for me, with all this, is the people who say 'the kids get something they like', no not necessarily. I am nothing like my daughter I liked books at her age and history. She is very sporty and good at art and maths. She likes hands on things. Yes I tell some people things she has specifically asked for but I want her to have some surprises and every single idea is left to me. She got a mini rubik's cube in a party bag once and loves it. I would never think of that as a gift because I'd find it tedious and wouldn't bother with it. I need help from others who see the world differently to present her with things that she otherwise wouldn't come across

We don’t have lots of space and we already have so many toys so I think it is actually better for family to ask us what to get for our child 🤷‍♀️ They do order and wrap things themselves though and there have been times where I’ve seen something in a shop, asked if they want to get it as a gift and they’ve sent the money and I’ve dropped it off to them 🤷‍♀️ My parents have chose and bought things for my child themselves too but have asked first if it is something he will play with which is really appreciated!!

I am totally with you OP.

I don't understand when and why it became the recipient's job to choose their own gift.

If you can't be bothered to choose a gift, don't give one. Don't make the recipient do all the work

If they don't know what things your DC already have, how are they supposed to know? Having read every year at Xmas about DC with only a Mum and no one else to buy them anything you sound very ungrateful for your family trying to buy your DC what they think they would like. Why not just tell them to send them money so your DC can go out and have the fun of choosing something for themselves.

My family have done this since my daughter was born and she's almost 15. It means she always gets things she loves so it works for me but I never order anything from them to my own house only to theirs so they can wrap it etc.

I very much prefer to have DD get a present she will use/love/is not a dublicate/wrong size or something she utterly does not will use - ever.

We are a wish list family - for every member. Makes life so much easier.

With DD we just let her tell granny what she is would like for Christmas as family presents are not from Santa. Until last year, she always asked for physical presents, she now gets some money to buy clothes (she is 17).

Some years we suggested presents when DD had no idea, like additions to the playmobil or Lego she already had.

Realisticly, how many grandparents or family members without children do know what is in your child's toy box or have any idea what is currently popular and if it then is something your child plays with?

Haven’t read whole thread but I agree, and that’s the way I was brought up. I get that people don’t want to waste money, but as a child, you learnt to be grateful for the good as well as the bad.

I'd much rather they asked than them choosing some unsuitable rubbish that's going to clutter up the house.

We think they will enjoy a present, their parents agree.

What part of we don't know anything about them are you struggling to understand? They are blood relations but we barely see them. We aren't parents ourselves and know no children at all and never have done.

But isn't it pointless to have something cluttering a house or being re-gifted/charity-shopped as soon as possible because it won't be used?

I’ve asked my DSIS what she wants for her kids a few times because I just have no idea and also know they have tons of stuff and they have ended up with stuff from me that they already have but I did feel bad about asking tbh.

Now the kids each get a premium bond from me each birthday and Christmas and a small token gift if my choosing. It’s building up quite nicely now. And my nephew won the draw last month!

I think this is one of my better ideas 🙂

I have one family member who is terrible for this. My kids are older now, so it's easier ie money or something very specific I can point them to.
But when they were younger, the stream of emails was so wearying.

Ideas for the boys please.
DS2 loves lego. Any set, age 9-11.
She'd then send me links to various sets and ask me to choose.
I'd choose.
She'd then email me to tell me 1) she'd ordered it 2) it had been dispatched 3) it was being sent to me (because I like wrapping up - I have NEVER said such a thing in my life) 4) has it arrived yet

It would have been easier for her just to transfer some money.

Written down it doesn't sound a big deal, but added to everything else and knowing you can't just ignore it because they're being generous. It's like she needs gratitude for every step of the process.