To want family members to choose their own gifts for DCs

[ItsVeryHyacinthBucket]

Each and every year, Christmas and birthday, I get a round of texts from everyone in my family (my side and in laws) asking what my (two primary aged) kids want to get. I used to respond with 'DC1 likes fairies and cars, DC2 likes art and unicorns' type thing but increasingly, family have asked for web links to be sent for a specific item.

For the last couple of years, relatives have expected me to either choose a specific thing and send them a link so they can send it (I then have to giftwrap it) or they send me money and I have to choose, buy and wrap.

I don't want to sound ungrateful because of course, this is generous - but the end result is that not one family member actually chooses and wraps their own gift for my kids. I basically have to decide every single present that each DC will get, from everyone they know, and wrap them all up 'from' Granny or Aunty So-and-so. It sucks the soul out of the festive giving for me - it feels like we may as well just send our money direct to Amazon. Zero magic.

This year, I don't want to do this. SIL has already been asking me for links to 'what my kids want'. I have told her they would be happy with anything. She asked again, what do they want. AIBU to say I'm thankful for the offer but am happy to let her choose this year, and if she doesn't want to, then just to leave it? I'd say the same thing to anyone else who asks.

TL/DR: I don't want to orchestrate Christmas for my family by choosing every single present on behalf of my relatives. WIBU to tell them to choose their own this year. And if so, how do I put it?

To be more helpful: just relabel a present you've already got for the dc as being from the IL and request reimbursement. Put the money into the dc's bank account if you're assailed by guilt.

Having to wrap other people's presents royally fucks me off though, I must admit. I like to be prepared early. Every ducking year BIL orders a shit load of stuff to be delivered to us and I yet again have to spend Xmas Eve doing what should be his job. If you're going to order to someone's house you should at least pay for gift wrap

Better than getting them crap they don't want.

Omg completely agree it drives me insane. My two are easily pleased and like easy stuff- it just offloads their life admin onto me who’s already hosting Christmas, shopping for our families, managing the manic December social planner. I HATE IT

If you saw the awful things my kids get bought, they immediately go to charity shop. Clothes with fairies and toadstools for an 12 year old, for example.

Also, don't wrap for other people. Use a gift sack, to save you wrapping things up!

Isn’t it more than “wanting to be both efficient and give a sure fire winner”? The OP is getting all the work dumped on her? The way it’s working out, she has to do absolutely everything, which is very hard work. At least wrap it, or get it gift wrapped so she doesn’t have to do that. Like the OP, I enjoyed getting surprise presents when I was a child.

My only argument with this is what if they got something theyd already got or something you’d already bought and put away. I have no problems with giving family a few ideas but then again my mum and sister are around my daughter enough to know what she likes and would play with and I also always share share share what I’m buying for her to them so they know but no this year my mums giving me a budget and asking me what I’d like her to help me buy for my daughter who’s birthday and Christmas is 13 days apart 🙄😂

Appreciate this wasn't the point of the post, and absolutely feels free to ignore if this isn't how you want to do things...but this might help a few people.

DH and I have a shared family wish list google sheet. When the DC (or DH and I tbh!!) see something they want in a shop I'll often add it to the list. If they never mention it again then it comes off the list later. Means that around Christmas and birthdays we have a ready made list of the types of things they like, when we saw it, in what shop and the ish price. When the grandparents or whoever ask what they'd like I send them directly to the sheet where they can see the name of the item, where to buy it etc and they handle the rest.

Also means when we're shopping and the kids a toy they're desperate for I tell them I've added it to their list and they're usually pretty placated. I only add one item per shop so they'll sit there deliberating how much they want it and making a choice about which one they list. Even though the list rarely means an item turns up it stops the pester power when shopping and makes the questions from family easier when people want to know exactly what to buy.

Originally I thought reading your op it wouldn’t bother me, all my daughter gets are surprises and good chunk of them go to the charity shop, but I have gifts like the ones you mentioned that I still remember to this day. Things my parents never would have thought to buy/make for me. A little wooden frog with felt feet still warms my cockles 35 years later.

I would say that you’d love to see what they come up with and they are welcome to double check and send a photo if they are worried about buying a double up.

Wow you are organised

You're right, I'm just saying id never really thought about it from that perspective and therefore this has been educational!! I've definitely done exactly that to my sister before and thought it was all gravy because the kids were getting stuff on their list and I knew It got there because I got a delivery confirmation so all good! I thought ensuring I wasn't adding mindless clutter or a trip to the charity shop to her life was helpful. I used to check with her ahead of time if that was okay and she never said no. Can see now she was probably being polite and cursing me under her breath, but sometimes until someone points it out you can be clueless that your best intentions are actually causing someone a headache!!

I had this years ago (mine are adults and teenager now) I got so fed up trying to pick for everyone for my kids, I told them smyths vouchers. Best thing ever, they got loads of vouchers and were able to pick their own things from the store. Always sent pics of what they got to the family that sent them vouchers.

I just really don't like them whining in shops 😂 so I came up with a game plan!

My Nan has gone one further. I knew she'd be asking what I'd want so I thought about where she goes (she's very elderly) and asked for some tea towels as she can just get them in her weekly Sainsburys trip. But no. I've been asked to buy and wrap my own tea towels. Great.

My daughter sends me links for toys or clothes for my grandsons but I order them, pay for them and wrap them. I think your family are a bit cheeky expecting you to do everything. I don't buy everything from Amazon either. The boys are very fortunate and get lots of presents so it makes sense that family liaise to avoid duplicates.

We don't have much storage space, so I would much rather my kids get something they really want as opposed to something that's just going to take up space and not be used. I keep a list of things they'd like, so it's not exactly onerous to tell someone what they can get.

I get so anxious about buying presents for other children. What if they don't like it, what if they already have it? I work myself up into a right state! Surely giving gifts is about making the recipient happy?

I see my grand nieces and nephew about twice a year. Neither they nor I choose that, but that's The way it is. My frailty and their parents being busy just means that's all we can do.

So, of course, I ask for ideas and links to what theyd like. I can clearly recall the feeling (pre internet) of getting something that wasn't quite right. And I don't want to be the one who gets them the "nearly" present.

I'm quite content to be told, as I often am, that money would be appreciate d, as parents have an experience planned.

At least your relatives are still thinking of your children.

You may think it's lazy, and you may be right (who knows) of your relatives, but they may also be wanting to get your children the very thing they want.

Yes this is my life right now, but they never say how much they are willing to spend so I have to guess and then get told it's too much or to send another item to buy.... again not telling me their budget! It's such an extra layer of admin at an already busy time. Generating your own gift ideas is a great way of showing children that you have gotten to know them and thought about them or to introduce them to fun things they haven't seen advertised!

How about responding by saying they would prefer experiences rather than toys?

You could suggest a try to the cinema, zoo, panto, ice skatting, play centre or to see the Christmas lights etc?

Free babysitting if it works and if not, then they'll start picking toys themselves or at least get you vouchers for the above.

This works especially well of they have no children themselves!

All those things you mentioned and more are available on Amazon, unless your kids want an actual car or a house you can get it there. Just do one big wishlist with everything from the water painting books to fuzzy felt to Body Shop gift sets.

Tell them to stop being stingy and choose the gift bag option so you don't have to wrap it.

Yes I have the same issue. Actually sitting here making lists for my children now, 2 also have birthdays between now and Christmas. I have ten family members who are likely to ask me what they want, so it’s a lot of ideas to think up! I make an Amazon wishlist normally but I still find it stressful having to think up all these gifts for them. I am very grateful that these people want to buy for them of course, but totally get where you’re coming from as it is an added pressure at this time of year.

I feel the same. It's like doing all the work and someone else gets the credit at a time when you're already super busy as it is and they just have to transfer some cash over or order online. Most of our family live away so it makes sense but I still find it annoying.

My family do the same and I equally hate having the added mental load of extra presents to think of. Equally pisses me off when it's 'oh granny it's amazing!' when I've spent weeks thinking, sourcing, purchasing said present and granny just 'added to basket' on amazon...but anyway. In return i make a point of NOT buying off lists for my niece's and nephews and take pride (yeah, I'm annoying) in the fact that they usually love their presents as I think outside of their parents box! Solidarity OP.

I have mixed feelings about this. My inlaws have form for buying nostalgic toys that remind them of their childhoods. Unfortunately, those toys are generally tedious things that modern children aren't interested in.

But I also don't want to wrap other people's presents. My inlaws have previously had things sent straight to me, just in case it snows and they can't reach us for Christmas and would I wrap them please. I have never seen a white Christmas.

My inlaws are in their 80s and no longer drive. Everyone gets a mug, a calendar or hats and socks from the local shops. It's easier if we can suggest ideas for things the kids actually want and order online. MIL is of sound mind but her past present choices have been questionable 😕