To want family members to choose their own gifts for DCs

[ItsVeryHyacinthBucket]

Each and every year, Christmas and birthday, I get a round of texts from everyone in my family (my side and in laws) asking what my (two primary aged) kids want to get. I used to respond with 'DC1 likes fairies and cars, DC2 likes art and unicorns' type thing but increasingly, family have asked for web links to be sent for a specific item.

For the last couple of years, relatives have expected me to either choose a specific thing and send them a link so they can send it (I then have to giftwrap it) or they send me money and I have to choose, buy and wrap.

I don't want to sound ungrateful because of course, this is generous - but the end result is that not one family member actually chooses and wraps their own gift for my kids. I basically have to decide every single present that each DC will get, from everyone they know, and wrap them all up 'from' Granny or Aunty So-and-so. It sucks the soul out of the festive giving for me - it feels like we may as well just send our money direct to Amazon. Zero magic.

This year, I don't want to do this. SIL has already been asking me for links to 'what my kids want'. I have told her they would be happy with anything. She asked again, what do they want. AIBU to say I'm thankful for the offer but am happy to let her choose this year, and if she doesn't want to, then just to leave it? I'd say the same thing to anyone else who asks.

TL/DR: I don't want to orchestrate Christmas for my family by choosing every single present on behalf of my relatives. WIBU to tell them to choose their own this year. And if so, how do I put it?

No I am a grandparent and ask the parents what the grandchildren want specifically as they know better than me! And I don't want the children to receive duplicates

I wish my family would choose something for my DC (at least sometimes) because when I’m choosing and buying on their behalf I go for the obvious things that I know they will like, but I think there’s something to be said for random surprises that I probably wouldn’t have thought of. My DC only get gifts from us and these family members that ask me to choose.

We live miles away from the children in our family. We see them once a year at most. We have no idea what they like or what they have. We do not meet up at Christmas.

Therefore we ask the parents to buy and wrap on our behalf. Perhaps we shouldn't bother at all.

This thread has made me stop and think! I am very guilty of this for all of my loved little people in my life- I spend around £30ish on 11 children, nieces and nephews, friends kids. But I always ask their parents what they want, and do ask if I can send directly and wrap up.

My family and friends do the same for me for DS. I've never minded because he's quite specific about what he'd like, so it's made sure he gets bits he actually wants and likes, also means the pressure is taken off me a bit financially in terms of if I want to buy him 20 things I know he'd like, 10 can be by generous family and friends. I don't mind receiving things to wrap for other people.

BUT it had never really occurred to me that the parents may feel resentful of this! I think because I don't feel that at all, and we've done it for years, I've just assumed they're fine with it.

So, this year when I message asking what they want, I'm going to say something like 'Hello, it's the annual 'what shall I get X' present request! However, I'm also happy to choose something myself if you'd like, I always just ask in case there's something specific you know they'd love. Lot me know which you'd prefer'.

And the difference between your level of effort now, and if you gave up completely, would be...?

Why are people so afraid of getting a kid a duplicate of something they already have? With the literal millions of gift options available on the entire internet, how likely is that really? It's a massive cop out, admit it.

I would absolutely love to be in your situation WRT presents. Every year we get rubbish, noisy, space consuming gifts or items we already have from the in laws.

Definitely definitely definitely.

Parents need to raise their kids to give genuine thanks, and that is aided by people not being spoon fed exactly what to get them, and taking a gamble on something they’ve thought the child might like, through knowing the child and their interests. If a child expect exact items then of course, when they don’t receive the exact item, they will probably show confusion on their face.

There seems to be two camps when it comes to the ‘thought that counts’ element:

Camp 1: ‘the thought’ = ‘I have thought that my niece/grandchild needs a present; let me enquire as to what I should buy’

Camp 2: ‘the thought’ = ‘ooh, niece really loves X Y Z, I’m sure she’d really like this affiliated or adjacent gift to supplement that interest or hobby’

If you don’t know the child and their interests then why are you buying them a gift? It sounds like you’re not that close. You don’t have to buy for absolutely everybody in your life.

I don't understand the PPs family who just exchange money. Each to their own and all that, but what's the point? You give your mum £50 and she gives you £50 back? Surely you just end up doing a lot of online banking just to end up with....nothing?

I don't mind sending suggestions as we get the Smyths toy catalogue and i get her to go through and circle what she likes, i then sort ours and send any other suggestions to family, but they then go and buy and wrap it, i'm not doing that for them! My husband is in charge of ideas from his side of the family, i don't get involved there.

I think this depends on how specific you get. You are the annoying grandparent if you want very specific cdetails, with links. But, if you're asking generically - is DD into make up yet, or is DS still obsessed with Chelsea, and then making your own decisions on what to buy within that, fine.

That message is perfect!

Yes I fucking hate this! I have to decide alllll the presents DC get from EVERYONE. I ask and ask them what they want and they don't know. So that results in MULTIPLE texts back and fourth until I spend ages looking for something DC might like and deciding for them what they are going to get DC. This is they should be fucking doing if they want to get them a present! And then I end up giving everyone my present ideas for DC to get them off my back and have to try even harder to find them something from us.
Then I have to thank everyone profusely for buying DC the present I chose.

It's one thing to ask whether there's anything in particular they want or to check that they still like unicorns, but it's nuts that they expect you to send links and wrap the gifts! . I know some parents are particular about the types of toys they buy, so in that instance I'd rather be given specific ideas, but it doesn't sound like you are like that at all.

As a child free person who doesn't see all the children in the family regularly it can be hard to know how to approach this because whatever you do will be wrong. Asking what they'd like? Wrong! Just choosing something and it being inappropriate/not what they like/something they already have? Also wrong!

I have occasionally asked for ideas, although I usually say is there something they'd particularly like or something you'd like us to avoid? Then I feel they can be as prescriptive as they'd like, or not. Or I'll just choose something like a craft set that can be used and binned if needed!

I would never expect a parent to buy AND WRAP gifts on my behalf. That's totally CF territory! 😂

You could just ask your adult relative whether they prefer you to choose yourself or whether they would rather send you suggestions or even exact items. I'm sure they'd be happy to say.
The kind of relatives we are moaning about are the ones who don't give this choice and expect parents to behave in the way they define and prefer (and change year on year as new rules are added (my parents now will only use cash because of a conspiracy theory but they won't go to a shop themselves)). They also won't stop giving presents though (I have suggested this politely numerous times).

Just tell them to send book tokens or Amazon vouchers . The easiest thing would be to get the children to write and Amazon wish list and share it with everybody . I refuse to give money at Christmas or birthdays , I see absolutely no point . My great niece / nephew are the only children I now buy for and they are getting Lego and a book token each this year , I never ask what they want .

Bear in mind all the "my family buy absolutely shit presents for my kids" threads on here.

@Floralnomad yes, an Amazon wishlist is absolutely the easiest thing, if all your kids want is tat from Amazon, and you don't mind doing all the mental load of planning, choosing and wrapping every single sodding brown package that comes through the door every year.

Is easiest best? No. Gift giving requires a smidgen of knowledge, thought, and generosity (not only of money but of time/brainpower)...none of which my family seem to have to spend on my kids! n(by the way, I bought nice but relatively small things (books, drinks, candles, bath stuff etc) for them all the previous few years and my DH and I didn't receive a single gift between us.

In an ideal world, I'd quite like my kids to receive one or two things they want (big stuff i.e. from us as parents) a few random bits connected from their well-known-to-family interests, and some wild card gifts or tickets for experiences, bits of money, book token or vouchers. This is not rocket science.

Fair. But those people are probably not posting on this thread.

@ItsVeryHyacinthBucket no I don’t mean that , I mean your kids do a wish list and relatives pick from it and then get it sent to them to wrap and deliver , no hassle to you . They don’t even need to buy from Amazon they can do what they like it’s like having a wedding list somewhere .

Fewer gifts for the children. Fortunately our relatives seem grateful that we think of their kids.

@ItsVeryHyacinthBucket yup plus then I have to force my kids to write thank you cards when they have said thank you, directly and politely in person to the person they think did all the hard work as 'it's the done thing'.

I do this. I handle my family and he handles his.

I get it can be annoying but I think it's pretty normal. Why are you having to wrap yourself? That part I don't understand.