Poncetastic Christmas 2024

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

@vivajen hasn't posted on MN for a year so I've taken the bull by the horns. I can't wait any longer !
Wherever you are, Fellatio, here's to you. I hope you're brining a turkey and had crafting authentic organic woven tinsel somewhere.
"OK, first of all, I know it's still September by we need to start this thread now because as you all know, having a truly Poncetastic Christmas involves precision planning, strategy, bravery, heroics, and frequently martyrdom.
So, if you, like me, actually want to make the next twelve weeks of your life a misery by hand-crafting your cards, finding a huge bucket for Nigella's turkey in brine, pickling pears, shrivelling oranges in a low oven for those rustic au naturel decorations, dragging half a holly bush back from the woods, and just generally being a smug annoying jobs worth ponce, join me on this thread.
Feel free to post photos of previous tree-trimming, cake icing or table centrepiece triumphs, discuss this year's bauble colour themes, debate the merits of Delia versus Gordon, road-test a selection of canapés and cocktails, (all in the line of duty) and link to lovely inspirational photos/craft ideas for a truly Poncetastic Christmas.
Warning: If your idea of a good Christmas involves Pizza, ITV, gravy granules or anything with 'Aunt Bessie’s' on the packet, this is not the thread for you".

🎄🎄🎄🎄

Bacon under the skin? Now I’m intrigued. I put butter and seasonings under, then a lattice of bacon on top - but really more for the artistry than the flavour.

Curious now how others cook their turkeys? I follow some of Gordon’s advice but I also stuff mine which no one recommends anymore. I drive a long metal skewer through the middle of the stuffing until it touches the breastbone to ensure that heat is conducted into the middle and the stuffing doesn’t poison anyone.

When I was young, tv turkeys always had these tiny little white hats on the drumsticks and I thought that was the height of sophistication. I’ve never seen them irl or even know what they’re called. Does anyone do that?

@NowLightOneThousandChristmasLights I have Jamie's book if you mean this one. I like it, but I love his Christmas DVD that I bought about 20 years ago more as it came with lots of glossy recipe cards and shopping lists etc (great for putting in a Christmas file)

@MrsForgetalot cutlet frills I think they were called when I did catering. (See pic)

We do our own thing with the turkey, broadly speaking, and mix it up from year to year. We just look up whatever guide we happen to fancy that year - usually from Delia, Nigella or Hairy Bikers books - to get a rough idea of timings, because it's easy to forget if you only do it every few years! At the end of the day there's no guesswork on when it's ready because we use a thermometer, so no stress.

The bacon under the skin turns out looking very nice too - it's a shame I don't like doing it because I do like the aesthetic effect. I should probably try again! I've determined to be less silly about everything being perfect/just right.

We make stuffing on the side just because we only use packet stuffings (we've decided we like those best after quite a few tries of more fancy ones that take a lot of time and effort), so it's easiest to do it that way.

I remember those little chef's hats too! I've never used them, but I think you can still get them.

I remember my dad put bacon under the turkey skin one year and the turkey meat took on a pinkish hue. Dad assumed this meant the turkey wasn't cooked properly yet so roasted the absolute fuck out of it, to the point it was so dry it disintegrated when he finally tried to carve it. This was the 90s though so it's possible there was some kind of colour additive in the bacon.

A bacon lattice on top is what I do (with loads of butter under the skin) because it goes nice and crispy.

ETA: Last year I didn't bother with bacon at all. I rubbed the whole bird with butter, put fresh herbs and a halved lemon in the cavity, salt and peppered it, then roasted it upside down covered in foil so the fatty meat was on top and the skin covered breast was at the bottom of the tin. I removed the foil halfway through so it browned. It doesn't result in browned breast skin, but none of us eat the skin anyway so it didn't matter. The meat was very moist.

Long time lurker and first time poster. Wanna be poncer but time poor with a 2 year old and 5 year old.

Hosting dinner for the family for the first time this year and taking inspiration from the thread.

I have some sloes in the freezer ready for sloe gin and starting trying to cross stich some Xmas cards for the first time today...I'm defo not a natural!

@Frumpyunicorn very interested in your reusable crackers... I'm guessing you have to undo them somehow, instead of pulling them?

Any way to still get that satisfying bang?

@NowLightOneThousandChristmasLights I have the Christmas Jamie book and really like it. Agree with @RainbowZebraWarrior though - I had that DVD and card set and it was great.
I’m generally a Jamie fan, and even though I don’t do the festive cooking in this house, it isn’t Christmas until I’ve watched at least 2 of the old Jamie specials.

We’ve got our dc home and are adjusting to being parents. Must be madness to start the parenting journey with a toddler. It’s been both amazing and hard work so I’m struggling to get my head into anything except the day to day.

Tonight DH has taken over for a few hours so I had a lovely shower with a leftover Christmas shower bomb/melt thing and am feeling relaxed enough to attempt to work on my Christmas cross stitch card. I think that’s as poncy as it’s likely to get here for a while - but it’s for a lovely reason so I don’t mind

Welcome @FestiveMess
It's ok to aspire and plan and gradually decide where you want to ponce and where you choose to buy in.

I had a big poncing fail today. I'm always telling people mincemeat is easy to make. Mary Berry says gentle simmer for 10 minutes. Easy.
I went to garden centre so 2 hour simmer came back to half burnt solid and rest a very dark burnt caramel "flavour".

I have rescued pan and made a fresh batch.
Stewed some apples and ate a bit of the burnt fruit with those and some yoghurt.

First photo shows it starting well. Second shows burnt offering on left and new batch on right. What a palaver.

Just had a look on ebay and there are quite a few of the Jamie Christmas DVDs still brand new and sealed containing the recipe cards for just over two quid and free delivery.

Congratulations @BelievingIsSeeing

Please pop along from time to time when you get a minute.

Uh oh @RainbowZebraWarrior I don't need one but now have fomo 🤣 . I do like Jamie. His 15 minute meals are not (imo) achievable in 15 unless you know what you're doing beforehand but I quite enjoy a gentle potter in the kitchen at tea time anyway.

I've found a cross stitch Christmas card so may just do that for my dad. Unless I find something I like on Etsy.

Pre-Christmas clean and declutter is underway...embarrassingly, I chucked two bags of homeless junk from one corner of my bedroom today. It hadn't been touched since the summer hols big clean & declutter so won't be missed. Also listed 10 ish items on Vinted, and chucked what I think is all the random stationery from about the house in a tote bag. I'll sort it into one of the two boxes where I keep things like that one day this week.

Cranberry sauce is made and frozen - loads of it! Although it may not last until Christmas.

Cake fruit is still not soaking though 🙄 I can't decide whose recipe to try this year. Really need to get a wiggle on so it can be made over half term. And really need to root out my gingerbread recipe for the house.

My village is still waiting to be washed too - no repairs needed. Just re-blocking and assembling. Then the yearly attempt at the church can begin 🤣

I've got the worlds best tip for cooking an amazing Christmas turkey.

buy a chicken instead 😂

Hi all, love hearing your poncing stories so far!
I’m attempting some paper whites this year for the first time and also want to make mince pies for the first time! Does anyone have a good alcohol free recipe? And will the mixture last without alcohol in for a few weeks / months or should it be used up pretty quickly?
thanks all!

There is a lady that has a pattern for Wondercrackers that includes a snap. It's a really beautiful design, really elegant compared to other fabric crackers out there but... I can't bring myself to pay £15 for it, I've tried all over the place to find a free version but failed . 😞
https://lucydorothy.com/the-wonder-cracker-sewing-pattern/

For anyone struggling this year with home made poncery, but still want some poncey Christmas food, Waitrose currently have their whole No 1 range with 20% off.

I've got an 800g Christmas cake, a small panetone, dark chocolate and ginger florentimes, a small mature Christmas pud, fig and balsamic chutney, Cornish Quartz cheddar shortbread, Cacio e pepe straws and Membrillo paste stashed away. Oh, and Starry night dark hot chocolate coins for DD.

Also bought their No 1 boxes of chocs for Christmas gifts. Their individual chocolate bars are also on the offer and are amazing.

So that's the pantry now filled for Christmas. I just need Christmas dinner ingredients nearer the time which are already ordered. I'll make homemade sausage rolls and cheese scones this year, and maybe some cookies. I've also still got last years MB mincemeat and a dozen home made jars of chilli jam already done.

(Waitrose 20% off offer finishes on Tuesday)

Really not sure that I have the time for this level on poncery, but @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew those crackers look amazing! They've got my cogs whirring anyway... I may have a go and see what I'm able to achieve. Thank you so much for sharing.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew she offers a pdf download of the pattern on her etsy shop for £10 if that makes any difference

www.etsy.com/listing/1071766898/wonder-cracker-pdf-sewing-pattern-stitch

@RainbowZebraWarrior that all sounds delightful!

My stash is lacking this year again 😥. It'll come right but it's starting to worry me a little bit.

I've been considering my tree options lately too. Glass is out. Ribbons may be a stupid idea. So probably felt (I think I touched on it very briefly with someone a while ago). Have any of you seen any fabulous felt decorations anywhere? I'll check Etsy tomorrow, but not sure where else to look 🤔

@lucysmam you could also give folksy and not on the high street a try

@lucysmam thesee* Corinne Lappierre decorations are beautiful.

I've had a truly poncetastic day. I made 7 jars of chilli jam (with very satisfying noises as the buttons popped) and 3 mini Christmas cakes.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew, @Christingly and it is the wonder cracker (linked above)I am planning to try. Friends who have made them said they were quite fiddly so I shall try and do one over the next few weeks and report back. I just need to do the buttonholes on a dress first.

I have also started a christmas cross stitch (the satsuma street 12 days of christmas) but that will probably take me a good few years to complete.

https://www.deliaonline.com/ask-lindsey/forgot-to-add-the-brandy-to-the-mincemeat

Ask Lindsey on the Delia website seems to think no harm will come to alcohol free mincemeat. Worth a try if you make a smaller amount and a bit later as you say?

@Purplestarballoon this is my last thought on alcohol free mincemeat I promise.
Having made 2 batches yesterday (burning one) my thought is to use a recipe that simmers the mincemeat before putting into sterilised jars as it will likely keep better. Mary and nigella do this.
I would also add extra squeezed orange abefore cooking instead of alcohol later.
I'd make it later as you said and less of it to eat it all this year. If you don't use it all in pies it's lovely in crumbles, muffins etc.
Good luck.

Yes that's how I do it - simmer, then add into hot sterilised jars. They will vacuum seal as they cool and then I keep them somewhere cool, dry and dark.