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Original poster

SIL playing "pick me" at Christmas

480 replies

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:05

DH and I both have tiny families so Christmas Day this year is going to be at our house. DH's 80yo widowed Mum, my 80yo Mum and Dad who both have massive health issues, DH's brother and his wife plus us and our 2 children.
All fine. Except SIL has announced she will only come if my Mum isn't there.
Talk about playing silly buggers and upsetting everyone. In what world am I going to withdraw a Christmas invite to my parents? Why didn't she just make an excuse and decline the offer? Now we have hurt feelings, zero explanation from SIL, and a nasty atmosphere.
I'm really wishing she'd just said "Thanks, but no thanks" instead of playing stupid pick me games - AIBU?

OP posts:
Hercisback · 07/12/2023 23:10

"that's nice dear, we'll be here with my mum, see you in 2024" and give her no more thought.

KingsleyBorder · 07/12/2023 23:10

Has your mother perhaps said something racist or offensive in another way, and SIL thinks you witnessed this so should know what she is getting at?

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 07/12/2023 23:10

Looks like sil isn't coming then.

SingleMum11 · 07/12/2023 23:11

I don’t know why ‘everyone is upset’ - did you tell everyone that SIL is refusing to come because of your mother? Isn’t that really stirring the pot and making it more dramatic?

If she doesn’t want to come, and told you, then you just say fine and she stays away.

If she didn’t want to come, I highly doubt she would have said you have to uninvited your own mother. Or did she? Did she ask you not to invite your mother?

LadyBird1973 · 07/12/2023 23:12

Even if OPs mum was horrible, sil can't demand she's uninvited - you just can't do that at someone else's house! Sil
Has the right to decline an invitation but not the right to demand who else is there or not.

friendlycat · 07/12/2023 23:14

Well SIL doesn’t come then. That’s her decision for whatever spurious reason.

Just crack on with your plans without her. She has BIL to spend Christmas Day with.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 07/12/2023 23:14

Sorry to hear that; let’s book another day to catch up

Whydowomendothistothemselves · 07/12/2023 23:15

OP, you say your BIL is mortified. Does he know why his wife doesn't want to come if your mum is there? How does he feel about not seeing his own mum because of her?

5foot5 · 07/12/2023 23:16

Bit off topic I know, but why is this AIBU thread on the Christmas forum?

Original poster
PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 23:16

SingleMum11 · 07/12/2023 23:11

I don’t know why ‘everyone is upset’ - did you tell everyone that SIL is refusing to come because of your mother? Isn’t that really stirring the pot and making it more dramatic?

If she doesn’t want to come, and told you, then you just say fine and she stays away.

If she didn’t want to come, I highly doubt she would have said you have to uninvited your own mother. Or did she? Did she ask you not to invite your mother?

By "everyone" I mean SIL, who then told my BIL so he could tell my DH. BIL was shocked and knew my DH would be upset so discussed it with his mum before speaking to DH. I was last to know. I have not told my parents, they would be very upset.

SIL has said she would love to come, but only if my mum is not there.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 07/12/2023 23:17

I’d still think there must be an issue, maybe between your mum and mil or your mum said something that sil took the wrong way?

momonpurpose · 07/12/2023 23:17

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:36

DH is furious. BIL is mortified.

I don't blame them she sounds nuts

Original poster
PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 23:21

stayathomer · 07/12/2023 23:17

I’d still think there must be an issue, maybe between your mum and mil or your mum said something that sil took the wrong way?

Mum and my MIL are fine.
There is clearly some sort of issue but not one that anyone apart from SIL are aware of. Mum doesn't drink, isn't prone to racist or other bigotry, generally polite.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 07/12/2023 23:24

So strange! Hope you all get sorted op x

NorthernAttitude · 07/12/2023 23:25

Your mum must have said something that's offended your SIL. Has she been insensitive about jobs, money, kids, no kids...? Still an extreme reaction from your SIL to ask you to uninvite your own mother.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 07/12/2023 23:25

Who the hell does she think she is that she can dictate who goes to your house on Christmas day and to stop your mum from being there so she can go. Tell her ok enjoy your Christmas but my mum will be here.
She sounds very entitled and mean spirited and she would only create a horrible atmosphere if she did attend. Shocking of her to even ask you.

monsteramunch · 07/12/2023 23:25

I would have to reply with something like the following.

"What an utterly bizarre request / demand! Especially with zero reasoning from you. Obviously my mum will be coming. If that means you won't be, I'm not sure what to say other than have a good Christmas wherever you end up going instead."

Thought tbh I would be so bewildered and pissed off that I wouldn't be planning to see her again without an explanation and apology. And even then I would be keeping a pretty wide berth.

What a weirdo!

Original poster
PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 23:27

NorthernAttitude · 07/12/2023 23:25

Your mum must have said something that's offended your SIL. Has she been insensitive about jobs, money, kids, no kids...? Still an extreme reaction from your SIL to ask you to uninvite your own mother.

Why "must" my mum be the one to blame?

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 07/12/2023 23:30

Not sure what the problem is really although of course its annoying.
Just say that's a shame SIL it would have been nice to host you at Christmas too.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 07/12/2023 23:30

Your SIL is being utterly ridiculous. She cannot state that without a reason. She's giving no one any chance to mend the situation. I'd be pressuring BIL to find out why, he must know.

LuluBlakey1 · 07/12/2023 23:33

The answer to BIL is 'Thank you for letting us know your wife won't be coming to our house for Christmas. Will you be there or not?'

Once he replies, that's that. Absolutely not another word about it. Don't play her game. Your DH must not discuss it with them or with his mum. It was an invitation and she has said no. That's that.

Hankunamatata · 07/12/2023 23:38

I'd tip up in person and ask sil what on what on earth her malfunction is.

Camt belive she got her husband to do dirty work

LadyBird1973 · 07/12/2023 23:39

The thing is the relationship between you is ruined now regardless of what happens over Christmas. And the atmosphere is going to be weird because everyone except your parent knows what sil has said.

You mum hasn't necessarily done anything wrong here - your sil could just be batshit crazy, like my aunt is, and has taken against your mum over some imagined slight.

WinterDeWinter · 07/12/2023 23:39

What’s the SIL history of falling out with others Op? Does she have previous with bonkers shit like this?

It’s definitely a SIL and not DM issue imo - if SIL weren’t a nutter she’d tell you what the issue is.

Snugglemonkey · 07/12/2023 23:39

AluckyEllie · 07/12/2023 22:41

By asking her why and what her problem is you are continuing to give her attention and feed the problem.
Grey rock it- ‘of course I’m not going to disinvite my mother, it’s a shame we won’t see you but let’s catch up in the new year.’ That clearly lets her know her place in the pecking order (below your mother) but isn’t rude and nips any further whinging in the bud.

I’d also be tempted if she changed her mind and said she would come to say ‘no, I’m afraid the offer is rescinded. You clearly have a problem with my mum and I don’t want her made to feel uncomfortable on Christmas Day.‘

This