Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

Original poster

SIL playing "pick me" at Christmas

480 replies

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:05

DH and I both have tiny families so Christmas Day this year is going to be at our house. DH's 80yo widowed Mum, my 80yo Mum and Dad who both have massive health issues, DH's brother and his wife plus us and our 2 children.
All fine. Except SIL has announced she will only come if my Mum isn't there.
Talk about playing silly buggers and upsetting everyone. In what world am I going to withdraw a Christmas invite to my parents? Why didn't she just make an excuse and decline the offer? Now we have hurt feelings, zero explanation from SIL, and a nasty atmosphere.
I'm really wishing she'd just said "Thanks, but no thanks" instead of playing stupid pick me games - AIBU?

OP posts:
Cosywintertime · 07/12/2023 22:51

What, that’s so odd, and it’s odd you have not asked, the first thing most folks would say is why?

Original poster
PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:52

Tombero · 07/12/2023 22:49

So your mum can’t come, but she’d be ok with your dad being there?

Apparently.
Dad wouldn't leave mum alone though, so SIL must realise that neither of my parents would be there if she got her way.

OP posts:
Ger1atricMillennial · 07/12/2023 22:52

Oh well, if she wants to be a drama llama she can do it on her own time. To not explain is clearly and invitation for you to ask so she can draw the discomfort out for longer.

There is no reason to be an atmosphere, just say she couldn't make it and didn't say why- maybe your mum can fill you in if she knows.

CheshireCat1 · 07/12/2023 22:53

Just carry on with your plans as usual and don’t feed her attention seeking behaviour. It’s her problem so leave her to stew in her own drama.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 07/12/2023 22:53

How strange. I wouldn't engage with her at all tbh, given how ridiculous she's being. I'd ask DH to speak to his brother, explain that he's not disinviting a guest for no apparent reason and that he hopes that they decide to come, but it's ultimately their decision what they do, and if they choose to do their own thing, hope they have a lovely Christmas.

(Actually, if it was my own brother, I'd be like 'wtf is on with your wife, what is this shit all about?!?)

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/12/2023 22:54

So tell her she’s welcome to stay at home. Problem solved.

BonjourCrisette · 07/12/2023 22:54

You just need to say no. Sorry, SIL, that you can't make it this time. Hopefully see you soon. If you can let me know what the problem is, perhaps we can work around it in future. And then don't respond to anything other than a genuine attempt to explain what the problem is (there probably won't be one because there probably isn't a real problem). Don't give her any more headspace.

Llamawhohatesdrama · 07/12/2023 22:54

So, your BIL (her DH) doesn't even know why she's decided your mum is suddenly her arch enemy?!

shiningstar2 · 07/12/2023 22:56

When you are invited to someone's home as a guest, you don't dictate the guest list. You have the option of accepting or refusing. Why would she think you would be prepared to go to all the work and expense of having your in laws but not your own mother. I would just tell her you have made your choices of who you wanted to invite to your home. She is welcome to come or stay away. That is enough to say but I would want to add that I am happy to host all of my husbands family but not at the cost of making my own parents unwelcome. 💐

stayathomer · 07/12/2023 22:56

Eh has nobody asked her why? There must be something!!

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 07/12/2023 22:57

Is she quite well? Have they ever had any previous historical interaction???

HamsterBanana · 07/12/2023 22:57

I would just say "no problem, hope you can arrange other plans so close to Christmas. Bitch." Xmas Grin

stayathomer · 07/12/2023 22:58

Cosywintertime

What, that’s so odd, and it’s odd you have not asked, the first thing most folks would say is why?
I find it strange so many people on this thread are assuming the sil is being dramatic when we don’t know the backstory!!!!

Redebs · 07/12/2023 23:00

I wouldn't even ask her why she has a problem with your mum. Not interested in her drama!
Just let her know that you won't be expecting HER to come then.
I would get your husband to let his brother know the situation.

Tombero · 07/12/2023 23:01

I’m sure the grey rock is the right way forward, but I’d have to ask her why. It would eat me up wondering otherwise.

LovePoppy · 07/12/2023 23:02

SgtJuneAckland · 07/12/2023 22:09

Here for the outrageous behaviour an 80 year old must've displayed to get blacklisted by SIL

I’ve got one in my family who needs to be the center of attention at all times. The bride at every wedding.

being 80 doesn’t make you a lovely person.

Original poster
PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 23:03

stayathomer · 07/12/2023 22:58

Cosywintertime

What, that’s so odd, and it’s odd you have not asked, the first thing most folks would say is why?
I find it strange so many people on this thread are assuming the sil is being dramatic when we don’t know the backstory!!!!

I have already said that we have asked SIL and she won't say what the issue is.

The only times my mum and SIL ever meet is at the occasional birthday tea or Christmas.They have zero interactions except at the occasional family event. Always with other family members around and within earshot. Nobody is aware of any previous interactions beyond "Did you have a nice holiday", "How is your sister?" and other polite small talk such as people who see each other once or twice a year and don't know each other well might share.

OP posts:
Tbry · 07/12/2023 23:03

Don’t ask why at all just uninvite her. She can go and see her own family instead.

Have a lovely Christmas with both of your parents and your MIL.

blackfluffycat · 07/12/2023 23:04

Why aren't people reading

The OP's parents are alive
Her MIL is widowed
The SIL is her husband's brothers wife not her husbands sister

QS90 · 07/12/2023 23:04

She sounds like a right drama llama. I wouldn't feed it, and just be all "Okay no worries, hope you have a great Christmas we'll see you some other time".

Honeyroar · 07/12/2023 23:07

I think you need to respond that if she can’t even give a decent reason for this strange, and upsetting ultimatum, then obviously you won’t be excluding your elderly, disabled mother from Xmas at her request. And tell her you hope she has a wonderful Xmas, wherever she spends it.

BiggerBadderBrainfogged · 07/12/2023 23:07

Applerumleandcustard · 07/12/2023 22:13

Oh dear , shame you can’t be there SIL , see you another day ?

The above is the right response. Don’t bother seeking an explanation. I couldn’t be arsed with this sort of drama (and SIL not explaining herself when giving the conditional rsvp suggests she likes a bit of attention seeking and drama).

BeaLola · 07/12/2023 23:08

Weird that she made that statement but won't say what it is that has caused the problem - would her husband "leak the info" to his brother ?

Yes it will leave a gap and I'm not sure how any sane grown up would think this ultimatum would make you uninvite your own parents - though I can understand it will still be awkward come Christmas when she is obviously not there . Do you think by not coming she is hoping that your MIL will withdraw and spend Christmas with her and her husband ?

Viviennemary · 07/12/2023 23:09

She simply doesn't have the right to dictate who you shouldn't invite to your house. If she doesn't like it she makes her own arrangements for Christmas. Absolutely no argument here. You do not have to justify anything to her.

LadyBird1973 · 07/12/2023 23:09

I don't understand why you didn't uninvited her on the spot.
There's no way I'd allow someone to say anything about my mum and still give them the time of day!

My aunt would do something like this - she just takes against people and then completely blanks them. Theres no reason, beyond her own paranoia. But you can't indulge it by saying she's still welcome - your poor mum deserves your loyalty and sil should be told to fuck right off!

Swipe left for the next trending thread