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Original poster

SIL playing "pick me" at Christmas

480 replies

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:05

DH and I both have tiny families so Christmas Day this year is going to be at our house. DH's 80yo widowed Mum, my 80yo Mum and Dad who both have massive health issues, DH's brother and his wife plus us and our 2 children.
All fine. Except SIL has announced she will only come if my Mum isn't there.
Talk about playing silly buggers and upsetting everyone. In what world am I going to withdraw a Christmas invite to my parents? Why didn't she just make an excuse and decline the offer? Now we have hurt feelings, zero explanation from SIL, and a nasty atmosphere.
I'm really wishing she'd just said "Thanks, but no thanks" instead of playing stupid pick me games - AIBU?

OP posts:
TossieFleacake · 07/12/2023 22:31

Hi SIL,
I was surprised to receive your message about Christmas day. Is there any particular reason you do not wish to spend the day with my mum? As I'm sure you already know, I will not be uninviting mum from the Christmas celebrations so I will assume you won't be attending x

DisforDarkChocolate · 07/12/2023 22:32

Looks like it's going to get quieter because it looks like the 'pick me' was aimed at your in-laws.

burnoutbabe · 07/12/2023 22:32

Am trying to think of a logical reason for it

But even logical reasons (say someone eats in a way that gives you the ick) you'd just say thanks but we can't come.

Not try and get your gist to boot out one's own mother (and not even mum and dad, just mum!) which is even weirder unless they are happily divorced

Nineteendays · 07/12/2023 22:33

How rude of her!! I’d be absolutely fuming if someone said they wouldn’t come if my mum was there! What the hell is she implying?! Then she’ll probably have the audacity to be pissed off with you when she’s insulted your family

Hibambinos · 07/12/2023 22:33

Take back the invite. I would say she is no
longer invited because at “our house” we are inclusive of everyone at Christmas and don’t take kindly to ultimatums.

MorrisZapp · 07/12/2023 22:34

What do your husband and his brother have to say about this?

Original poster
PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:36

DisforDarkChocolate · 07/12/2023 22:32

Looks like it's going to get quieter because it looks like the 'pick me' was aimed at your in-laws.

FWIW they have not invited DHs mum to theirs for Christmas.

OP posts:
Itsjustmeee · 07/12/2023 22:36

I would just reply
HA HA you expect me to pick YOU over my mother on Christmas Day
Get Ta Fuck you batshit cow

Original poster
PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:36

DH is furious. BIL is mortified.

OP posts:
FirstFallopians · 07/12/2023 22:38

Whatever you say OP, make it nonchalant and unbothered (even if you are furious).

This isn’t about your mum, SIL is just trying to exert control. Don’t give her the drama she is so desperately looking for.

sprigatito · 07/12/2023 22:39

I would send her a blunt message telling her that she is going to have to explain herself. You absolutely cannot just demand that someone reject their elderly mother at Christmas without giving an explanation of what the problem is.

Honestly, my own extended family is nuttier than squirrel shit, but they would at least tell you what the (generally imaginary) issue was!

AluckyEllie · 07/12/2023 22:41

By asking her why and what her problem is you are continuing to give her attention and feed the problem.
Grey rock it- ‘of course I’m not going to disinvite my mother, it’s a shame we won’t see you but let’s catch up in the new year.’ That clearly lets her know her place in the pecking order (below your mother) but isn’t rude and nips any further whinging in the bud.

I’d also be tempted if she changed her mind and said she would come to say ‘no, I’m afraid the offer is rescinded. You clearly have a problem with my mum and I don’t want her made to feel uncomfortable on Christmas Day.‘

stepintochristmas1 · 07/12/2023 22:41

I hate to say it but some young people do not like to be around disability , it's a bit like crossing the road to avoid someone , it's vile.

HidingFromDD · 07/12/2023 22:42

So this is an issue between dhs sister and your mum, or is it dhs brothers wife? Either way sounds like she wants to make it a ‘dhs family’ Xmas so doesn’t want your mum. I’d just reply ‘ sorry to hear that, let’s arrange another day to get together over Christmas’ and be done with it, her loss

justasking111 · 07/12/2023 22:43

There's at least one drama llama in every family, it used to be my mother. Now it's my Dils sister. Thankfully that's it for now.

Original poster
PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:43

stepintochristmas1 · 07/12/2023 22:41

I hate to say it but some young people do not like to be around disability , it's a bit like crossing the road to avoid someone , it's vile.

She is mid 50s
And your right, it is vile if mum's health is her problem.

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 07/12/2023 22:43

AluckyEllie · 07/12/2023 22:41

By asking her why and what her problem is you are continuing to give her attention and feed the problem.
Grey rock it- ‘of course I’m not going to disinvite my mother, it’s a shame we won’t see you but let’s catch up in the new year.’ That clearly lets her know her place in the pecking order (below your mother) but isn’t rude and nips any further whinging in the bud.

I’d also be tempted if she changed her mind and said she would come to say ‘no, I’m afraid the offer is rescinded. You clearly have a problem with my mum and I don’t want her made to feel uncomfortable on Christmas Day.‘

I only popped on to say that this sounds like a very secondary school performance your sil
is putting on, excluding herself, giving ultimatums (presumably in some strange validation attempt) and then being secretive about why to try and get even more attention.
The message above is absolutely perfect, as is the follow up. It’ll quickly teach her that people who play silly games win silly prizes.

Original poster
PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:45

HidingFromDD · 07/12/2023 22:42

So this is an issue between dhs sister and your mum, or is it dhs brothers wife? Either way sounds like she wants to make it a ‘dhs family’ Xmas so doesn’t want your mum. I’d just reply ‘ sorry to hear that, let’s arrange another day to get together over Christmas’ and be done with it, her loss

DH's brothers wife. They haven't invited anyone to their house, so DHs widowed mum will be with us or having Christmas alone. We are delighted she has agreed to come to us.

OP posts:
grumpycow1 · 07/12/2023 22:45

AluckyEllie · 07/12/2023 22:41

By asking her why and what her problem is you are continuing to give her attention and feed the problem.
Grey rock it- ‘of course I’m not going to disinvite my mother, it’s a shame we won’t see you but let’s catch up in the new year.’ That clearly lets her know her place in the pecking order (below your mother) but isn’t rude and nips any further whinging in the bud.

I’d also be tempted if she changed her mind and said she would come to say ‘no, I’m afraid the offer is rescinded. You clearly have a problem with my mum and I don’t want her made to feel uncomfortable on Christmas Day.‘

This!

also say to BIL that he is still welcome….

snowlady4 · 07/12/2023 22:45

How bizarre.
You'll have to ask her (again,) what on earth she has against your 80year old mother attending Christmas! Ask her to her face, or get your husband too, not a text message.
It's baffling behaviour when there's not been a problem previously.
Then, follow up with, as others have said, "sorry to hear you don't want to be in my mother's company for the day, she will be spending Christmas with us so perhaps see you in the New Year if that suits."
She's embarassing herself and showing herself up terribly!
Your poor Mum!

TuesWed · 07/12/2023 22:47

Leave the entitled mare at home with her DH while three generations, including her MiL, BiL, SiL and children enjoy a family celebration.
How would she like it if you invited your BiL providing he didn’t bring his wife?

Ihaveamagicwand · 07/12/2023 22:48

TossieFleacake has it.

Always try to stay polite in the face of complete rudeness! The moral high ground is a much more comfortable place to be.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 07/12/2023 22:48

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:27

We have asked why. She isn't saying why. Just that she cannot come if mum does.

Show quote history

Then she doesn't come. She wants attention and drama. Dont feed it. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

WhateverMate · 07/12/2023 22:48

Nah there's something really weird about this.

She's randomly decided that she won't go if your mum is there, yet she hardly sees her and she's decided not to tell you why, and even your BIL apparently doesn't know?

Tombero · 07/12/2023 22:49

So your mum can’t come, but she’d be ok with your dad being there?

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