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Original poster

SIL playing "pick me" at Christmas

480 replies

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:05

DH and I both have tiny families so Christmas Day this year is going to be at our house. DH's 80yo widowed Mum, my 80yo Mum and Dad who both have massive health issues, DH's brother and his wife plus us and our 2 children.
All fine. Except SIL has announced she will only come if my Mum isn't there.
Talk about playing silly buggers and upsetting everyone. In what world am I going to withdraw a Christmas invite to my parents? Why didn't she just make an excuse and decline the offer? Now we have hurt feelings, zero explanation from SIL, and a nasty atmosphere.
I'm really wishing she'd just said "Thanks, but no thanks" instead of playing stupid pick me games - AIBU?

OP posts:
declutteringmymind · 09/12/2023 11:24

There's something else going on here. Maybe she doesn't want to spend Xmas with you or she just wants Bil to herself, or is paving the way to go elsewhere.

The polite response would be: I'm struggling to understand why my mum would be an issue but you are more than welcome to join us, we are looking forward to soending the day with you both. please let me know by xxxx date if you are attending or not .

contactus · 09/12/2023 11:24

Salacia · 09/12/2023 11:17

To be fair to posters it was at least 10 messages before OP mentioned that this had come via the BIL (but had mentioned SIL had a history of falling out with people etc) which has probably influenced how people have relied. Once the BIL role was mentioned there have been more posters pointing out that he might not be entirely innocent in this. I agree that it would be worth reaching out to SIL directly before writing her off.

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but the Op knew from the outset

so the tone was set without anywhere near the full detail

Salacia · 09/12/2023 11:29

contactus · 09/12/2023 11:24

but the Op knew from the outset

so the tone was set without anywhere near the full detail

Show quote history

That’s true - apologies, I read your comment more about the posters commenting on the thread rather than the how the OP had chosen to frame it from the start (when it read as if the SIL had announced it and then refused to answer questions rather than BIL announcing on her behalf and nobody talking to her).

SoftPillowAllNight · 09/12/2023 14:30

Why are you spending so much time debating and explaining an entirely unreasonable and ludicrous ask from your SIL?

I'd reply "that's fine, we won't expect you then"; wouldn't even bother to ask Why. Why would I give any headspace or time to a person who insults my mom by asking that she not be there?

pizzaHeart · 09/12/2023 15:45

Blueblell · 08/12/2023 17:15

Sounds like BIL should not have told you or involved you in their argument. He should have just said they weren’t coming. They have caused you a lot of upset and it is nothing to do with your Mum whatsoever. They both sound rediculous!

This ^ is a very good point. I mean over years DH and I had a fair share of arguments about events but we always used normal plausible reason to decline e.g have prior engagement or at work etc. Tbh when I had a row with my sister while we all were staying at her house and then left earlier I said to our mum that DH was asked to go into work earlier. And believe me Mum was absolutely sure that it was true. She never suspected anything.
Whatever SIL said to BIL he should have kept to himself.

contactus · 09/12/2023 16:13

Salacia · 09/12/2023 11:29

That’s true - apologies, I read your comment more about the posters commenting on the thread rather than the how the OP had chosen to frame it from the start (when it read as if the SIL had announced it and then refused to answer questions rather than BIL announcing on her behalf and nobody talking to her).

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because the Op was leading us down to a conclusion that suited her ie SIL is a rude bitch and you need to to disinvite her!!

Statementdress · 09/12/2023 23:45

I think this thread is a really good example of why we should never jump to conclusions when we only get one side of the story- in real life or mumsnet.

I have to admit that I initially thought SIL was a trouble maker, the read this was all through BIL.

how much stress and drama is caused by us all believing bullshit we’ve heard?

SnowSwan · 10/12/2023 00:07

BIL sounds like a right dick. I don't think this necessarily has anything to do with your mother. Was she just the name SIL pulled out to use in her argument with BIL? Something like

Him - "I'm not going to Susan's party if Matt is there."
Her - "Fine. If you do that then I won't go to your family Christmas dinner if Janet is there."
Him - "Fine."

Then he tells his brother that SIL won't go because Janet is there but declines to give any context. Basically, he's happy to make his wife look like a dick to his family.

Lulu49 · 10/12/2023 11:54

Just tell her your sorry you won't be seeing SIL at Christmas and you hope she has a good one. Then never invite her ever again.

JFDIYOLO · 10/12/2023 13:19

I smell a rat and his name is BIL

LylaLee · 10/12/2023 13:47

Lulu49 · 10/12/2023 11:54

Just tell her your sorry you won't be seeing SIL at Christmas and you hope she has a good one. Then never invite her ever again.

Never invite her again

On the strength of a second-hand report.

I hope the same never happens to you.

contactus · 10/12/2023 15:42

Lulu49 · 10/12/2023 11:54

Just tell her your sorry you won't be seeing SIL at Christmas and you hope she has a good one. Then never invite her ever again.

Click on “see all” of the Op’s posts

afrikat · 10/12/2023 19:58

contactus · 10/12/2023 15:42

Click on “see all” of the Op’s posts

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You can't do that on the android app

KingsleyBorder · 10/12/2023 23:58

afrikat · 10/12/2023 19:58

You can't do that on the android app

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I don’t know about the android app but on the iPhone app you achieve the same thing by filtering to OP’s posts only.

contactus · 11/12/2023 05:57

afrikat · 10/12/2023 19:58

You can't do that on the android app

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alternatively…. just highlight the OP’s posts and… read them

YireosDodeAver · 11/12/2023 06:04

Yanbu. Just let SIL know that it's an invitation not a summons and she's at liberty to decline the invitation if it doesn't suit her but please let you know by Wednesday because you need to finalise catering arrangements and don't want last minute changes.

When we go to my sister's for Christmas her MIL is there, and her MIL is a tricky person to get along with. So I can sympathise with SIL to some extent that being in a house full of people who you aren't directly connected to isn't great but that doesn't mean she gets to dictate your guest list. Her choice is to accept your hospitality or decline it.

LylaLee · 11/12/2023 06:14

contactus · 11/12/2023 05:57

alternatively…. just highlight the OP’s posts and… read them

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On the android app you can't ctrl F. You have to scroll through the whole thread.

2Rebecca · 11/12/2023 07:26

Don't you have the funnel icon at the top of the thread to click on?

afrikat · 11/12/2023 07:57

KingsleyBorder · 10/12/2023 23:58

I don’t know about the android app but on the iPhone app you achieve the same thing by filtering to OP’s posts only.

Edited
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Doesn't work on the android app

afrikat · 11/12/2023 07:57

2Rebecca · 11/12/2023 07:26

Don't you have the funnel icon at the top of the thread to click on?

No, not on the android app. It's really annoying

contactus · 11/12/2023 08:01

LylaLee · 11/12/2023 06:14

On the android app you can't ctrl F. You have to scroll through the whole thread.

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So don’t use the app 🤷‍♀️

LylaLee · 11/12/2023 08:24

contactus · 11/12/2023 08:01

So don’t use the app 🤷‍♀️

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It automatically directs you to the app and keeps prompting you to use it if you use the browser. Using the website on your phone has a very awkward layout which you need to readjust every time you click into a thread, plus tiny, tiny writing.

The only annoying thing about the app is the lack of op filter, plus you can't edit. It's the lesser of two evils.

contactus · 11/12/2023 08:25

i only use on browser. find it pretty user friendly

you can’t edit on the app? for that reason alone i wouldn’t use. Throw in the no ability to OP filter…. not a chance

saraclara · 11/12/2023 08:38

I read mumsnet in chrome on my android phone. I don't ever get nagged or redirected to use the app. I tried the app for a few hours and it was massively inferior to the browser version.

I don't have to readjust anything, the layout and the writing is normal, so I'm not sure what's going wrong for you @LylaLee . Maybe you're using a different browser? Try chrome if so

5PurpleDinosaurs · 11/12/2023 08:47

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 09/12/2023 09:52

Sil might not even have any idea any of this is going on! No ones actually spoken to her as all of the info in particular the drama causing alleged first statement.

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yes that's a good point.