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Original poster

SIL playing "pick me" at Christmas

480 replies

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:05

DH and I both have tiny families so Christmas Day this year is going to be at our house. DH's 80yo widowed Mum, my 80yo Mum and Dad who both have massive health issues, DH's brother and his wife plus us and our 2 children.
All fine. Except SIL has announced she will only come if my Mum isn't there.
Talk about playing silly buggers and upsetting everyone. In what world am I going to withdraw a Christmas invite to my parents? Why didn't she just make an excuse and decline the offer? Now we have hurt feelings, zero explanation from SIL, and a nasty atmosphere.
I'm really wishing she'd just said "Thanks, but no thanks" instead of playing stupid pick me games - AIBU?

OP posts:
NorthernAttitude · 07/12/2023 23:40

@PerspicaciaTick sorry, I didn't mean it to come across like I thought your mum was to blame. It's just such a crazy thing for your SIL to ask that there has to be a reason. Also, your SIL being offended doesn't mean your mum has done or said anything wrong. Maybe your SIL is being over sensitive or misinterpreted something. But surely no-one would not want someone to come at Christmas because of their health issues. You'd know if your SIL was that awful? Either way, the overstep in even asking your mum is uninvited is boggling.

Huhyou · 07/12/2023 23:43

My dad is a stroke survivor and his table manners can be a little unsavoury to those not used to it - belching, using hands, food around mouth, spills etc.

I would cut out anyone who even came close to suggesting I exclude him.

theduchessofspork · 07/12/2023 23:44

She sounds cracked

I wouldn’t worry about it, she’s the one missing out on Christmas

SingleMum11 · 07/12/2023 23:45

@PerspicaciaTick I see, I think her husband (your BIL) should have shut that down straight away instead of telling your DH, who then told his mum! He should have told his own wife that they will have to either not go, of he goes for part of the day and leaves her.

This way is really like Chinese whispers and is bound to cause all sorts of ill feeling - and we don’t really know what your SIL really said. Even if she did say exactly what you said, what on earth was your BIL doing? What did he hope to achieve? He either just threw his wife on the coals, or cast aspersions about your mother, by hinting that there was some problem.

It’s made this all in drama lama land which is going to last much longer than Christmas. This is going to cause a big rift that is hard to fix.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 07/12/2023 23:46

Don't indulgent her or give her any more time or attention. That's what people like her want, a reaction or some sort of drama.

Leave her with, ok, enjoy your Christmas.

Original poster
PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 23:46

NorthernAttitude · 07/12/2023 23:40

@PerspicaciaTick sorry, I didn't mean it to come across like I thought your mum was to blame. It's just such a crazy thing for your SIL to ask that there has to be a reason. Also, your SIL being offended doesn't mean your mum has done or said anything wrong. Maybe your SIL is being over sensitive or misinterpreted something. But surely no-one would not want someone to come at Christmas because of their health issues. You'd know if your SIL was that awful? Either way, the overstep in even asking your mum is uninvited is boggling.

Sorry for being prickly. This will be the first time in 3 years that mum is well enough to attempt a family Christmas, we've all been excited to be together and SIL has tarnished it with her antics.

OP posts:
theconfidenceofwho · 07/12/2023 23:48

That is just so bizarre Op - what could she have against your mum?!!

I'd tell her she's no longer invited and forget about her.

Maray1967 · 07/12/2023 23:51

No “I’m sorry, hope you have a nice time at yours …” or similar from me. I would have simply replied’ I beg your pardon?’ and then told DH to get on the phone to his brother.

Maray1967 · 07/12/2023 23:54

Posted too soon- if your mum has been offensive to her, your BIL could tell your DH.

The staying silent is ridiculous and might well suggest that she wants to avoid spending time with a disabled person.

wronginalltherightways · 07/12/2023 23:54

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 23:46

Sorry for being prickly. This will be the first time in 3 years that mum is well enough to attempt a family Christmas, we've all been excited to be together and SIL has tarnished it with her antics.

Show quote history

I would be disinviting your SIL at this stage.

There is not coming back from this just a couple of weeks out from christmas. There will be atmosphere even if she does 'change her mind', and you will spend your time stressing/watching for issues rather than enjoying a Christmas with your mum and family.

Tell your BIL you're sorry, but you are no longer willing to have his wife around yours for Christmas. Tell him he's still welcome, but his wife isn't. that should emphasize what a horrible thing his wife has done.

NorthernAttitude · 07/12/2023 23:54

@PerspicaciaTick not at all. Really sorry your celebration has been dampened by this. Hope you all manage to enjoy yourselves.

Maray1967 · 07/12/2023 23:54

PS Friends of mine with a disabled child have experienced this - truly vile behaviour.

WinterDeWinter · 07/12/2023 23:57

LuluBlakey1 · 07/12/2023 23:33

The answer to BIL is 'Thank you for letting us know your wife won't be coming to our house for Christmas. Will you be there or not?'

Once he replies, that's that. Absolutely not another word about it. Don't play her game. Your DH must not discuss it with them or with his mum. It was an invitation and she has said no. That's that.

Definitely this. no further conversation till the end of time either.

PrinnyPree · 07/12/2023 23:59

If BIL was that mortified why didn't he ask his wife WTAF she was playing at before approaching your DH with this batshit request.

I would be very quick to nip this in the bud with a "I'm not uninviting my Mum, but I am uninviting you to avoid an awkward atmosphere, fuckity bye" who gives a fuck about being diplomatic now, did she cared about diplomacy?

WonderingWanda · 08/12/2023 00:01

The phrase 'Suit yourself' maybe with a shoulder shrug emoji would be the best response to your sil.

Mamanyt · 08/12/2023 00:01

"Sorry you feel unable to attend. Have a lovely holiday." Not your problem, it is hers. I know it is a short answer, but it is the one that settles it in the quickest and most reasonable manner.

Newestname002 · 08/12/2023 00:02

@PerspicaciaTick

Your SIL sounds a nasty piece of work. Wants you to uninvite your mother (and therefore your father) and, if SIL and her husband don't invite people to their house would leave your husband's mother alone too, if she wasn't with you. Charming woman. 🌹

Lavender14 · 08/12/2023 00:02

It's very strange behaviour from sil. Even if your mum had offended her she doesn't
need to put you in that position she could just have quietly declined or voiced exactly what happened in an attempt to help you understand. Presumably your dh brother must know the reason for this could you dh talk to him directly but not angrily and try and identify the issue?

Abouttoblow · 08/12/2023 00:06

The only response from you now should be that they are no longer invited. End of story.
No further discussion, questions on her reasoning or consideration of her feelings. Let your SIL spend Christmas alone with her husband.

Maray1967 · 08/12/2023 00:08

To me there are three possible explanations:

  1. she thinks it should just be her DH and your DH family, and not your parents as well - rude, not her call, although I think my DF might be annoyed if my DB had his wife’s relatives when he thinks it’s ‘our’ family day. If he said as much though I’d raise it with him myself
  2. your mum has offended her in some say
  3. she has a problem with your mum that your mum has not in any way caused.
JANEY205 · 08/12/2023 00:10

Outrageous!! I hope you manage to have a wonderful Christmas with your Mum, Dad and MIL! I wouldn’t engage any further with SIL and I’d give her a very wide berth and not socialize with her at all outside of gatherings the rest of your in-laws also arrange or attend. She certainly wouldn’t be invited to my home again.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 08/12/2023 00:10

I think even if SIL had good reason (which she doesn't) she'd be disinvited on the grounds of being too immature to address it with you or your mum first like an adult, so if there were any differences they could be sorted.

Instead it's been spread like wildfire and now everyone will be on tenterhooks even if they arrive.

I suspect her plan wasn't to stop your DM from coming but to make everyone else decide they're no longer coming and have Xmas with them instead. Divide and conquer technique.

Wanttobeok · 08/12/2023 00:11

Tell SIL to fuck off.

She won't give you a reason, she's being a dick and your mum should come first.

I actually wouldn't care in this situation if it caused a family rift. I wouldn't want to spend any future time around someone who would treat my mother like that

JANEY205 · 08/12/2023 00:11

Maray1967 · 08/12/2023 00:08

To me there are three possible explanations:

  1. she thinks it should just be her DH and your DH family, and not your parents as well - rude, not her call, although I think my DF might be annoyed if my DB had his wife’s relatives when he thinks it’s ‘our’ family day. If he said as much though I’d raise it with him myself
  2. your mum has offended her in some say
  3. she has a problem with your mum that your mum has not in any way caused.

I was wondering if 1. was likely, but as SIl has married into the family it’s not like they are even technically her family either 😂😂

OssieShowman · 08/12/2023 00:12

Dear BIL, sorry that SIL can’t attend. Look forward to seeing you and your family at Christmas.

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