Page 18 | SIL playing "pick me" at Christmas

PerspicaciaTick · 2023-12-07T22:05:21+00:00

DH and I both have tiny families so Christmas Day this year is going to be at our house. DH's 80yo widowed Mum, my 80yo Mum and Dad who both have massive health issues, DH's brother and his wife plus us and our 2 children. All fine. Except SIL has announced she will only come if my Mum isn't there. Talk about playing silly buggers and upsetting everyone. In what world am I going to withdraw a Christmas invite to my parents? Why didn't she just make an excuse and decline the offer? Now we have hurt feelings, zero explanation from SIL, and a nasty atmosphere. I'm really wishing she'd just said "Thanks, but no thanks" instead of playing stupid pick me games - AIBU?

Judecb · 08/12/2023 20:13

Tell her, "OK, I'm sorry you don't feel you can join us" and leave it at that. She may change her mind and if not that's her problem.

Sometimeswinning · 08/12/2023 20:32

Surryqueen · 07/12/2023 22:27

I don't think you understand what the term "pick me" means. Used in wrong context here x

Pick me is fine. It’s not just been invented for “Pick me people”

SingleMum11 · 08/12/2023 21:20

PerspicaciaTick · 08/12/2023 15:02

I think she said something thoughtlessly in the middle of an argument which unintentionally reveals something about her attitude to my mum.
However I'm going to leave it as I have no intention of inviting her to my house in future.

Show quote history

I think you are taking this too far. This was a private argument between a wife and husband. All of us have probably done similar. So you now never inviting SIL to your house ever again is being dramatic and not that nice.

IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken · 08/12/2023 22:38

Just a thought.
Could the brother and sister in law be having marriage difficulties.
Perhaps the brother is playing away from home and wanted to drop out of going to wife’s work friends party.
Then to make the Sil seem the unreasonable one claim she was trying to cause problems by twisting things so it makes her look terrible re the Christmas Day invite.
I know it sounds far fetched but we all know that when someone is having an affair they try to paint their partner as mad and unreasonable so they can claim innocence when they run off into the sunset

SingleMum11 · 08/12/2023 23:06

@IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken it’s not too far fetched. My Ex did this to me, in a different context.

I do think that a husband so obviously dropping his wife in so much trouble with all of the in laws, like this BIL spells huge trouble in the marriage and can often be a precursor to breakdown. It’s a huge deal. Look at this scenario the OP never wants this woman in her house again. How can a marriage survive when this much damage has been done - from a private argument.

The SIL is completely written off. See all the comments from posters. Everyone dislikes this SIL yet it may well have been a minor comment in the middle of a heated argument. Never meant to cause the OP or her mother harm. Yet her whole personality is now degraded by all of BILs family.

Powerful stuff.

Pomvit · 08/12/2023 23:15

I agree I wouldn’t even engage in the nonsense situation she’s put you in. On what planet would you all spend Christmas together but leave your mum at home on her own

CelestiaNoctis · 08/12/2023 23:50

I'd message SIL and let her know that it's fine she doesn't want to come because she's never invited over to your house ever again.

Statementdress · 08/12/2023 23:53

SingleMum11 · 08/12/2023 23:06

@IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken it’s not too far fetched. My Ex did this to me, in a different context.

I do think that a husband so obviously dropping his wife in so much trouble with all of the in laws, like this BIL spells huge trouble in the marriage and can often be a precursor to breakdown. It’s a huge deal. Look at this scenario the OP never wants this woman in her house again. How can a marriage survive when this much damage has been done - from a private argument.

The SIL is completely written off. See all the comments from posters. Everyone dislikes this SIL yet it may well have been a minor comment in the middle of a heated argument. Never meant to cause the OP or her mother harm. Yet her whole personality is now degraded by all of BILs family.

Powerful stuff.

I’m with you on this 100%

The BIL is the bad apple in all this.

OP- you know the SIL has no reason to dislike your mum. That’s why you were so puzzled by this. Don’t make judgements on people from second hand accounts of what they said.

BIL is getting ready for a nasty divorce, and wants everyone against SIL. Bet there’s a ‘new’ girlfriend by next Xmas.

Therealjudgejudy · 09/12/2023 00:22

They both sound pretty toxic. Enjoy your Christmas with your family op

captainmarvella · 09/12/2023 03:07

SingleMum11 · 08/12/2023 23:06

@IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken it’s not too far fetched. My Ex did this to me, in a different context.

I do think that a husband so obviously dropping his wife in so much trouble with all of the in laws, like this BIL spells huge trouble in the marriage and can often be a precursor to breakdown. It’s a huge deal. Look at this scenario the OP never wants this woman in her house again. How can a marriage survive when this much damage has been done - from a private argument.

The SIL is completely written off. See all the comments from posters. Everyone dislikes this SIL yet it may well have been a minor comment in the middle of a heated argument. Never meant to cause the OP or her mother harm. Yet her whole personality is now degraded by all of BILs family.

Powerful stuff.

I've been reading this thread from the beginning and it was startling to see the vitriol in the comments about the SIL without posters caring to comprehend that all the information OP had was secondhand, i.e., through the BIL. OP never spoke to SIL (why?! Is the communication that bad in this family, OP admitted that SIL is usually lovely). But based on the BIL's framing of SIL's "demand", everyone is upset and now OP has permanently uninvited SIL from her home. Based on what? How is it that this sorry excuse of a husband is getting no flak and all the blame has fallen on to the woman?

Also did not understand OP's framing of this thread at all - when did SIL said "pick me over your mum"? When did she say she will not attend the party. OP never even spoke to the SIL, everything was conveyed by BIL. I cannot begin to say how insidious and horrible this is, for a husband to throw his wife under the bus with his entire family (like some sulky toddler) and made her look like a lunatic, with her "demand". He is a master manipulator because he has already turned his entire family against her, by leaking a private conversation. Disgusting.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 09/12/2023 07:50

Absolutely @captainmarvella although given how quickly op has been to vilify the sil, WITHOUT ACTUALLY SPEAKING TO HER I think the sil is better off away from the family!
Run sil run!

Angrycat2768 · 09/12/2023 08:01

IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken · 08/12/2023 22:38

Just a thought.
Could the brother and sister in law be having marriage difficulties.
Perhaps the brother is playing away from home and wanted to drop out of going to wife’s work friends party.
Then to make the Sil seem the unreasonable one claim she was trying to cause problems by twisting things so it makes her look terrible re the Christmas Day invite.
I know it sounds far fetched but we all know that when someone is having an affair they try to paint their partner as mad and unreasonable so they can claim innocence when they run off into the sunset

I was thinking the same actually. He's making out she's unreasonable to his family so he has everyone onside when they split.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 09/12/2023 08:18

Can't help but think this is very much BIL's side of the story and would wonder what the SIL's version would be.

It's a shame that whatever is going on has cast a shadow over Christmas, but I'd honestly be tempted to give them another shot at coming over. Though I'd contact them both, not just BIL.

Life is short. If options for family Christmases are dwindling, it's worth putting out an olive branch and putting all their drama to one side.

contactus · 09/12/2023 08:20

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 09/12/2023 07:50

Absolutely @captainmarvella although given how quickly op has been to vilify the sil, WITHOUT ACTUALLY SPEAKING TO HER I think the sil is better off away from the family!
Run sil run!

exactly

posters were following the tone of the OP

LylaLee · 09/12/2023 08:40

I'll put down a fiver that in a year there's a 'new' girlfriend.

Itsaselectionbox · 09/12/2023 09:13

Yep, seems like your SIL is the 'crazy ex'. Don't be the woman that falls for that bullshit OP.

contactus · 09/12/2023 09:14

Itsaselectionbox · 09/12/2023 09:13

Yep, seems like your SIL is the 'crazy ex'. Don't be the woman that falls for that bullshit OP.

too late

this very thread being a case in point

TheFeistyFeminist · 09/12/2023 09:15

Crikey, they are welcome to each other, what a pair. Your BIL deserves a drama credit of his own, for taking it out of context and reporting it along the family line.

Have a fabulous Christmas with your parents, BIL and SIL can marinade in their own apparent resentment of each other.

GreatGateauxsby · 09/12/2023 09:20

Well the good news is you can relax and enjoy your Christmas now AND you won’t have many more Christmas’ with them since their marriage is clearly on the rocks…

the bad news is you can’t divorce your awful BIL…

5PurpleDinosaurs · 09/12/2023 09:22

PerspicaciaTick · 08/12/2023 16:33

No. They have been told that isn't an option.

Show quote history

Well I am glad you have made your position clear. They both sound like petty toddlers.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 09/12/2023 09:52

5PurpleDinosaurs · 09/12/2023 09:22

Well I am glad you have made your position clear. They both sound like petty toddlers.

Show quote history

Sil might not even have any idea any of this is going on! No ones actually spoken to her as all of the info in particular the drama causing alleged first statement.

JFDIYOLO · 09/12/2023 10:35

It's him, isn't it. The BIL.

I agree there may be a bit of stage 3 Mr Sneaky going on (undermining her to family and friends, saying things behind her back).

Have you actually had a calm conversation with her, OP? Does she even know?

I agree - watch out for the new girlfriend scenario pretty damn quick.

payens · 09/12/2023 10:40

Surryqueen · 07/12/2023 22:27

I don't think you understand what the term "pick me" means. Used in wrong context here x

Get over yourself everyone knows what she means

minipie · 09/12/2023 10:47

Very good point about this all being BIL’s version of events.

Salacia · 09/12/2023 11:17

contactus · 09/12/2023 09:14

too late

this very thread being a case in point

Show quote history

To be fair to posters it was at least 10 messages before OP mentioned that this had come via the BIL (but had mentioned SIL had a history of falling out with people etc) which has probably influenced how people have relied. Once the BIL role was mentioned there have been more posters pointing out that he might not be entirely innocent in this. I agree that it would be worth reaching out to SIL directly before writing her off.