Page 16 | SIL playing "pick me" at Christmas

PerspicaciaTick · 2023-12-07T22:05:21+00:00

DH and I both have tiny families so Christmas Day this year is going to be at our house. DH's 80yo widowed Mum, my 80yo Mum and Dad who both have massive health issues, DH's brother and his wife plus us and our 2 children. All fine. Except SIL has announced she will only come if my Mum isn't there. Talk about playing silly buggers and upsetting everyone. In what world am I going to withdraw a Christmas invite to my parents? Why didn't she just make an excuse and decline the offer? Now we have hurt feelings, zero explanation from SIL, and a nasty atmosphere. I'm really wishing she'd just said "Thanks, but no thanks" instead of playing stupid pick me games - AIBU?

commonsense61 · 08/12/2023 14:54

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Wishimaywishimight · 08/12/2023 14:54

Still doesn't explain what your mum has to do with anything though!!

2Rebecca · 08/12/2023 14:56

The SIL never said the OP's mum shouldn't go, she said that she wouldn't go because of the OP's mother, who isn't widowed as some people implied that's the OP's MIL who is also coming. SIL had no objection to OP's father who isn't mentioned much here.
I think SIL saw this as a family gathering of her husband's extended family he wanted her to attend where as her husband was reluctant to attend her family and friends' events. If SIL was expected to have a sober Christmas lunch and drive her husband home with him refusing to reciprocate for her events that sounds like it was also an issue. Some men to expect their wives to be their chauffeurs

isittimetoflounceyet · 08/12/2023 14:56

Well if that's the way their relationship is going, there might not be any need to worry about seeing her next Christmas 😂

minipie · 08/12/2023 14:58

My guess is it went something like

BIL ”I don’t want to go to your work colleague’s party with people I hardly know”
SIL “well I’m having to go to Christmas with people I hardly know, Perspicacia’s parents. If you won’t go to colleague’s party I don’t see why I should go to Christmas”

Nothing to do with your mum per se. I hope not anyway.

minipie · 08/12/2023 14:59

Anyway they are both utter idiots and you will be well rid.

Original poster

PerspicaciaTick · 08/12/2023 15:02

Wishimaywishimight · 08/12/2023 14:54

Still doesn't explain what your mum has to do with anything though!!

I think she said something thoughtlessly in the middle of an argument which unintentionally reveals something about her attitude to my mum.
However I'm going to leave it as I have no intention of inviting her to my house in future.

OP posts:

Fulshaw · 08/12/2023 15:05

PerspicaciaTick · 08/12/2023 15:02

I think she said something thoughtlessly in the middle of an argument which unintentionally reveals something about her attitude to my mum.
However I'm going to leave it as I have no intention of inviting her to my house in future.

Show quote history

Maybe it was:

BIL: I don’t want to come to your colleagues party, I don’t know anyone and I hate making small talk.
SIL: Well, we all have to do that. I don’t know OPs mum and I have to make small talk with her at Christmas. How about I don’t do that then?!

Or something equally stupid.

sandyhappypeople · 08/12/2023 15:10

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StarvingMarvin222 · 08/12/2023 15:11

I think the best thing to do is take back the invitation ,that way if they make up they're still not invited.

But I have to say your sil sounds a bit childish ,she's better off not being there

monsteramunch · 08/12/2023 15:19

5128gap · 08/12/2023 13:48

You invite who you please. Once invitations are issued you don't withdraw them. People choose whether they want to accept the invitation or not. That's it really.

I would absolutely withdraw the invitation from a SIL who made such a bizarre, ludicrous and entitled demand which singled out my elderly and disabled mum.

contactus · 08/12/2023 15:28

reading threads like this me look at my family with such warmth and love to know that there are shit shows like this out there

Angrycat2768 · 08/12/2023 15:37

2Rebecca · 08/12/2023 13:27

I think everyone is over reacting at the SIL's comment which she only made to her husband and we only have his word that she even said it and the OP previously got on with SIL.
If someone doesn't want to attend a meal on any occasion they have been invited to because for whatever reason they dislike one of the guests why do they have to explain in detail why they dislike that person? How does that help anyone?
SIL and BIL were invited. BIL declined saying SIL didn't want to come because the OP's mother was coming.
The BIL shouldn't have said this but as he did why does everyone have to hate the SIL.
It's OK not to like someone. The OP has plenty of people coming for dinner anyway. She doesn't need BIL and SIL who can do their own thing.

Then she should have said 'Sorry I'd like to spend Christmas just the 2 of us as we'll be divorced this time next year rather than saying OP has to disnvite her mum, which she must have known would not go her way. It's nit as if she wouldn't have know anyone. She would have known all but 2 very elderly people.

Pipsquiggle · 08/12/2023 15:41

FFS. BIL + SIL sound like they are 15 not in their 50s

Tilllly · 08/12/2023 15:52

Ffs

I wish that was all I had to worry about

Are they teenagers?

OP, have a lovely Cmas!

PerspiringElizabeth · 08/12/2023 15:53

SIL is clearly a fruitcake given that update BUT to be fair to her I wouldn’t want to spend Xmas with my husband’s brother’s wife’s parents either. But then I do sway antisocial.

LAMPS1 · 08/12/2023 15:59

At least you know it wasn’t a slur against your mum.
SIL was just playing tit for tat games with your BIL who didn’t want to go with her to a party.
They sound as mean spirited as each other.
Is there a chance they might make up on Christmas Eve and decide to come after all ?

CarolinaInTheMorning · 08/12/2023 16:02

But it's only the mum she objects to not the dad, so it doesn't appear to be an issue of spending Christmas with OP's parents, just one parent. It is really childish.

5128gap · 08/12/2023 16:09

monsteramunch · 08/12/2023 15:19

I would absolutely withdraw the invitation from a SIL who made such a bizarre, ludicrous and entitled demand which singled out my elderly and disabled mum.

Show quote history

Fair point. I was coming from the angle of not withdrawing an invitation from a guest because someone else objected.

2Rebecca · 08/12/2023 16:15

SIL never suggested the OP's mother be disinvited though. She just used her as an excuse as to why she wouldn't go. Completely different and probably in response to her husband saying he wouldn't go to her event because he didn't know/ didn't like her friends

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 08/12/2023 16:18

PerspicaciaTick · 08/12/2023 15:02

I think she said something thoughtlessly in the middle of an argument which unintentionally reveals something about her attitude to my mum.
However I'm going to leave it as I have no intention of inviting her to my house in future.

Show quote history

It actually now sounds potentially like BIL is being the biggest, most manipulative bitch of them all. He's purposefully and vindictively bought you and your elderly mum into their petty disagreements. I'd tell them that neither of them are good enough to breathe the same air as your mum and to sort their shit out tbh... and I'd be very factually telling SIL exactly what BIL has said. She needs to know if he's systematically trying to alienate her. This could actually be abusive

lovenotwar149 · 08/12/2023 16:21

I would want to know why she had made this request..or rather demand! Is there something you dont know?
YANBU!!

Statementdress · 08/12/2023 16:30

PerspicaciaTick · 08/12/2023 14:40

Update!
DH spoke to his brother today. He said that as my parents would be spending Christmas with us, he sorry but BIL and SIL will need to make their own arrangements.
That was fine but BIL explained that social events are a sore point between himself and SIL at the moment. They have been arguing for weeks about events have already happened and events in the future (who gets to choos, who gets to drink, whose friends are whose... everything). None of which involve me or my parents and DH and I were unaware of the arguments.
In the course of an argument SIL said if BIL didn't go to one of her colleague's party, she wouldn't come to ours because of mum. BIL called her bluff, she doubled down and insisted BIL tell us and neither of them would compromise about whatever it was that triggered the initial argument.
So it seems we were just collateral damage in whatever crap is going on in their relationship. I am very glad they will not be with us for Christmas, they can enjoy each others company. BIL is as ridiculous as SIL and added his own dollop of drama!

Thank you all for your responses, seems many of you were right about there being something else going on.

Sounds like you’ve dodged a bullet! Who’d want to spend Christmas with this pair of drama llamas?!

Original poster

PerspicaciaTick · 08/12/2023 16:33

LAMPS1 · 08/12/2023 15:59

At least you know it wasn’t a slur against your mum.
SIL was just playing tit for tat games with your BIL who didn’t want to go with her to a party.
They sound as mean spirited as each other.
Is there a chance they might make up on Christmas Eve and decide to come after all ?

No. They have been told that isn't an option.

OP posts:

Statementdress · 08/12/2023 16:38

Though I also suspect that SIL said nothing of the kind.
@PerspicaciaTick could you gently bring this up with SIL directly? She may appreciate your support

She may have used Xmas plans as an example when BIL has refused to go to some event involving her family ( because someone’s in law auntie was going to be there, for example)

My ex used to pull this stunt with me all the time. Years later, I’m still finding out about ridiculous shit and accusations I’ve supposedly made about his family/ friends which are patently untrue! ( there would be a tiny grain of truth that was twisted beyond any resemblance to initial comment)