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Original poster

SIL playing "pick me" at Christmas

480 replies

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:05

DH and I both have tiny families so Christmas Day this year is going to be at our house. DH's 80yo widowed Mum, my 80yo Mum and Dad who both have massive health issues, DH's brother and his wife plus us and our 2 children.
All fine. Except SIL has announced she will only come if my Mum isn't there.
Talk about playing silly buggers and upsetting everyone. In what world am I going to withdraw a Christmas invite to my parents? Why didn't she just make an excuse and decline the offer? Now we have hurt feelings, zero explanation from SIL, and a nasty atmosphere.
I'm really wishing she'd just said "Thanks, but no thanks" instead of playing stupid pick me games - AIBU?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 08/12/2023 16:41

What ugly people.
Using your mother like that to score points off each other is quite vile.

I wouldn't want them near my mother, or my home again.

Take a huge step away from such toxicity OP.

I would not be moving on from such behaviour, but would use it to actively avoid them both going forward.

JFDIYOLO · 08/12/2023 16:44

Your home, your guest list, your priorities. SIL says no? Fine. One less to cater for.

AnneValentine · 08/12/2023 16:45

PerspicaciaTick · 08/12/2023 16:33

No. They have been told that isn't an option.

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Good on you.

Wendyspotatopeeler · 08/12/2023 16:48

I'd be saying, "oh that's a shame, see you in the NY." Don't rise to the drama.

JFDIYOLO · 08/12/2023 16:52

It sounds like your BIL and SIL are going through their own toxic mess and this was a bit of collateral damage on the edge.

Only your family know what they're both like and only they know how they are together.

Let it go - it's a shame but they're not your problem and I'd say focus on having a lovely family gathering with your elders, as we're doing too.

Floppyelf · 08/12/2023 16:55

PerspicaciaTick · 08/12/2023 16:33

No. They have been told that isn't an option.

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I’d say stick to your guns on unviting HIM and her. I would still let her know how he conveyed this information to you and used your mum as collateral. She ought to know so that she can end this once and for all.

Dery · 08/12/2023 16:58

“Though I also suspect that SIL said nothing of the kind.
@PerspicaciaTick could you gently bring this up with SIL directly? She may appreciate your support

She may have used Xmas plans as an example when BIL has refused to go to some event involving her family ( because someone’s in law auntie was going to be there, for example)

My ex used to pull this stunt with me all the time. Years later, I’m still finding out about ridiculous shit and accusations I’ve supposedly made about his family/ friends which are patently untrue! ( there would be a tiny grain of truth that was twisted beyond any resemblance to initial comment)”

This sounds like an interesting possibility. And a few posters have noted that your SIL may have made comments about having to make small talk with your mum at Xmas in response to comments made by your BIL for why he didn’t want to go to her work colleague’s party. So no objection to your Mum per se. After all - you’re hearing all this from your BIL who also decided to drag your mother-in-law into it so seems to be a bit of a drama llama.

Perhaps your SIL is very tricky, but if you generally get on reasonably well with her, it might be worth trying to have a quick chat with her on this. Your BIL may be spinning this a certain way for his own reasons. I mean does she even know all these things are being said? Sounds like no-one’s spoken directly to her about it.

contactus · 08/12/2023 17:06

Floppyelf · 08/12/2023 16:55

I’d say stick to your guns on unviting HIM and her. I would still let her know how he conveyed this information to you and used your mum as collateral. She ought to know so that she can end this once and for all.

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all this is entangle the op in to a situation that at this point seems very toxic and lots of speculation

absolutely do not fan flames OP, especially when it appears a fire is raging anyway

Blueblell · 08/12/2023 17:15

Sounds like BIL should not have told you or involved you in their argument. He should have just said they weren’t coming. They have caused you a lot of upset and it is nothing to do with your Mum whatsoever. They both sound rediculous!

NorthernAttitude · 08/12/2023 17:19

Jeezo. They sound like barmy teenagers. How awful that they would have your mum be alone at Christmas because of petty point scoring for them. I hope you have a fun and relaxed day and your BIL and SIL spend the day considering where their dickish behaviour has got them.

theconfidenceofwho · 08/12/2023 17:34

billy1966 · 08/12/2023 16:41

What ugly people.
Using your mother like that to score points off each other is quite vile.

I wouldn't want them near my mother, or my home again.

Take a huge step away from such toxicity OP.

I would not be moving on from such behaviour, but would use it to actively avoid them both going forward.

This!

WimpoleHat · 08/12/2023 17:49

I still can’t see how your mum fits into this? Or have they had a row along the lines of:

BIL: I don’t want to go to that party and have to make boring small talk with people I don’t know
SIL: I don’t want to go to Christmas and make boring small talk with OP’s mum

But if it’s that- actually to tell you? That’s bloody awful. They sound immature; tactless at best and possibly downright unpleasant. Your poor mum!

Luddite26 · 08/12/2023 18:01

Rattai · 08/12/2023 14:49

I think you need to phone SIL and ask her what the issue is.

And then let us know please. Poor mum.

whynotwhatknot · 08/12/2023 18:12

they bot sound pathetic and immature-it might not even be true the way she has said it sounds like an ongoing thing

laraitopbanana · 08/12/2023 18:16

She what???
cancel her, you don’t get to be rude to your host 🤦🏼‍♀️

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 08/12/2023 18:17

BIL and SIL should do themselves a Christmas favour and split up.

That sounds horribly toxic.

Dodged a bullet OP.

DaggerIsle · 08/12/2023 18:17

Yes, very bizarre that they are specifically including your mother as part of their argument.
Sounds like your SIL accidentally revealed a rather spiteful side to her.
Good job on calling their bluff, enjoy your Xmas without the petty negativity.

JustAnotherManicMomday · 08/12/2023 18:25

Tell her your making it easy for her, she's no longer invited.

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 08/12/2023 18:40

PerspicaciaTick · 08/12/2023 16:33

No. They have been told that isn't an option.

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👏👏👏 for making that clear.

Sleepytiredyawn · 08/12/2023 18:42

“I’m sorry you won’t be able to make it then.”

MMAS · 08/12/2023 18:46

If there is no back story to this and is completely out of character then I would question if there isn't a medical problem going on with SIL you are not aware off and maybe even her own husband. Has there been any other incidents lately that are off / unusual. If so, seek medical attention.

Thistlewoman · 08/12/2023 18:53

SIL sounds like a drama queen. Dont pander to her childish histrionics. She may have lots if Christmases ahead of her-your mum may not. Ignore SIL-it'll do her good. Merry christmas!

Anonymouseposter · 08/12/2023 20:02

Terrribletwos · 07/12/2023 22:16

Maybe ask her why she objects to your mother....

I wouldn't ask. I wouldn't get involved in it. I would just say "My mother will be here, you're very welcome to come but if you prefer not to that's okay".

tachycardigan · 08/12/2023 20:03

Luddite26 · 08/12/2023 18:01

And then let us know please. Poor mum.

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OP has updated!

OldPerson · 08/12/2023 20:13

It's not worth getting stressed about. The worst that can happen is MIL will pull out to support her daughter. And maybe MIL doesn't like your mother either or her health problems are a strain on everyone. DH married you. He's nice to your family to support you. His family have no responsibility to your family. If no one wants the responsibility of your mother, moving forwards, plan Christmas Day with your parents and Boxing Day with his family. Being nice and inviting SIL is possibly an unpleasant invite if your parents' "massive health issues" limit everyone else's enjoyment of Christmas.

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