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Original poster

SIL playing "pick me" at Christmas

480 replies

PerspicaciaTick · 07/12/2023 22:05

DH and I both have tiny families so Christmas Day this year is going to be at our house. DH's 80yo widowed Mum, my 80yo Mum and Dad who both have massive health issues, DH's brother and his wife plus us and our 2 children.
All fine. Except SIL has announced she will only come if my Mum isn't there.
Talk about playing silly buggers and upsetting everyone. In what world am I going to withdraw a Christmas invite to my parents? Why didn't she just make an excuse and decline the offer? Now we have hurt feelings, zero explanation from SIL, and a nasty atmosphere.
I'm really wishing she'd just said "Thanks, but no thanks" instead of playing stupid pick me games - AIBU?

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 08/12/2023 13:27

I think everyone is over reacting at the SIL's comment which she only made to her husband and we only have his word that she even said it and the OP previously got on with SIL.
If someone doesn't want to attend a meal on any occasion they have been invited to because for whatever reason they dislike one of the guests why do they have to explain in detail why they dislike that person? How does that help anyone?
SIL and BIL were invited. BIL declined saying SIL didn't want to come because the OP's mother was coming.
The BIL shouldn't have said this but as he did why does everyone have to hate the SIL.
It's OK not to like someone. The OP has plenty of people coming for dinner anyway. She doesn't need BIL and SIL who can do their own thing.

Taurusandvirgo · 08/12/2023 13:27

ModeWeasel · 08/12/2023 07:15

If someone invites me to their house, they can invite who the hell they like. If the SIL wanted to go and visit her mum instead, what’s stopping her?

Of course. But that doesn’t mean SIL wants to spend unexpected time with someone else’s parents on Christmas day when it’s not even her in laws and her own aren’t included.

If SIL is expected to spend Christmas with the in-laws this year and they are at someone else’s house, she hasn’t got much choice but to go has she?

My point was how would the OP feel if she was in SIL’s shoes?

You're as nuts as the SIL.

If I'm invited to somebody else house for a family event, it wouldn't be at all surprising to find their parents there.

It also wouldn't be surprising if my parents, who are total strangers to these people, weren't invited to their family event. There's nothing off about OP not inviting the SIL parents for Christmas.

There's also nothing wrong with SIL not wanting to spend Christmas with strangers or away from her own parents.

The way it's been worded though is rude, tactless and if it is indeed an ultimatum (which I'm not convinced of, myself) then it's totally out of order.

housethatbuiltme · 08/12/2023 13:28

KingsleyBorder · 08/12/2023 11:15

Are you referring to the specific use of “pick me” or “doing the “pick me” dance” in the context of a situation where a man cheats on his wife and the wife bends over backwards to entice him back (i.e. to pick her instead of the mistress)?

Edited
Show quote history

I thought a 'pick me' in modern slang is a women that desperately throws herself at a man while throwing other women under the bus.

The 'I'm not like other girls, I'm one of the boys' type, they are desperate to 'win' and feel 'better than' who've they beat so may go after taken men but they aren't the wife.

JudgeJ · 08/12/2023 13:29

bowiesmum · 08/12/2023 12:47

Have you contacted SIL directly? Could you phone her? I'd tell her you are obviously having Xmas with your mum but even if sil goes back on it, I wouldn't want her there making it uncomfortable.

Why landed to her? Fine is all that's needed.

Malificent1 · 08/12/2023 13:32

Just text her and say “We’ll miss you this Christmas. Let me know if you change your mind”

saraclara · 08/12/2023 13:42

Surely your BIL.knows the reason?

I wouldn't communicate with her any more if she's not prepared to give the reason. But I would be trying to find out more from BIL. If he's truly mortified and annoyed, presumably he will want to clear up any issues?

MadeForThis · 08/12/2023 13:45

Just text and say "Hope you have a lovely Christmas, see you in the New Year"

5128gap · 08/12/2023 13:48

You invite who you please. Once invitations are issued you don't withdraw them. People choose whether they want to accept the invitation or not. That's it really.

MrsDrDear · 08/12/2023 13:58

She's a cheeky cow. No way would she even get over my doorstep if she'd have said that about my mum. My mum would come before any in-law so tell her to GTF.

Anyone else would just decline, no need for the attention seeking mystery.

Damnedidont · 08/12/2023 14:00

Why deal with it secondhand? Phone her!

isittimetoflounceyet · 08/12/2023 14:14

NorthernAttitude · 07/12/2023 23:25

Your mum must have said something that's offended your SIL. Has she been insensitive about jobs, money, kids, no kids...? Still an extreme reaction from your SIL to ask you to uninvite your own mother.

If that were the case and mum had said something to really upset or offend the SIL, then why won't SIL tell anyone what the problem is?

Mummyofbananas · 08/12/2023 14:38

are you certain it's your mum and not your MIL- sorry I've not read the full thing I might have missed something? Maybe miscommunication? If not then very weird and it's her that's missing out.

SingleMum11 · 08/12/2023 14:38

the risk of misunderstanding causing a family rift here is too high. Have I understood correctly that nobody has spoken directly to sil? This has been a phone conversation between brothers and various messages in between?

@BlochAroundTheClock I think has the most thoughtful response on this thread.

I do understand OP that you are very hurt. But I think there is also a state of fairly high drama here that is not just your SIL, but BIL, your DH, you all talking about what your SIL said, most probably in confidence with her husband.

If your SIL had called you and asked you to uninvite your mother, that’s totally different but it is not what happened. You implying this is what is happening is not going to help, as this didn’t get said at all.

Honestly it sounds like two brothers not really dealing with a situation well at all, one who is the husband and should have either said nothing, or just politely declined Christmas. Maybe he was just trying to excuse himself, saying ‘it’s not me who doesn’t want to come, it’s my wife because or your wife etc’

Original poster
PerspicaciaTick · 08/12/2023 14:40

Update!
DH spoke to his brother today. He said that as my parents would be spending Christmas with us, he sorry but BIL and SIL will need to make their own arrangements.
That was fine but BIL explained that social events are a sore point between himself and SIL at the moment. They have been arguing for weeks about events have already happened and events in the future (who gets to choos, who gets to drink, whose friends are whose... everything). None of which involve me or my parents and DH and I were unaware of the arguments.
In the course of an argument SIL said if BIL didn't go to one of her colleague's party, she wouldn't come to ours because of mum. BIL called her bluff, she doubled down and insisted BIL tell us and neither of them would compromise about whatever it was that triggered the initial argument.
So it seems we were just collateral damage in whatever crap is going on in their relationship. I am very glad they will not be with us for Christmas, they can enjoy each others company. BIL is as ridiculous as SIL and added his own dollop of drama!

Thank you all for your responses, seems many of you were right about there being something else going on.

OP posts:
SingleMum11 · 08/12/2023 14:40

People choose whether they want to accept the invitation or not. I think this is part of it really also. If SIL doesn’t want to come for whatever reason, that’s OK to be honest.

SomeCatFromJapan · 08/12/2023 14:44

That is pathetic! Imagine dragging your poor, elderly mum into their crap like that.

DisforDarkChocolate · 08/12/2023 14:45

I suppose that's a relief but it's going to be awkward next time you see them @PerspicaciaTick.

Angrycat2768 · 08/12/2023 14:45

PerspicaciaTick · 08/12/2023 14:40

Update!
DH spoke to his brother today. He said that as my parents would be spending Christmas with us, he sorry but BIL and SIL will need to make their own arrangements.
That was fine but BIL explained that social events are a sore point between himself and SIL at the moment. They have been arguing for weeks about events have already happened and events in the future (who gets to choos, who gets to drink, whose friends are whose... everything). None of which involve me or my parents and DH and I were unaware of the arguments.
In the course of an argument SIL said if BIL didn't go to one of her colleague's party, she wouldn't come to ours because of mum. BIL called her bluff, she doubled down and insisted BIL tell us and neither of them would compromise about whatever it was that triggered the initial argument.
So it seems we were just collateral damage in whatever crap is going on in their relationship. I am very glad they will not be with us for Christmas, they can enjoy each others company. BIL is as ridiculous as SIL and added his own dollop of drama!

Thank you all for your responses, seems many of you were right about there being something else going on.

OMG Why couldn't she have gone to her colleagues party on her own? Its hardly on the same scale as causing a family rift, trying to isolate an 80 year old housebound woman and now, in all probability ruining her own Christmas. That she will have to spend with her DH who, if I was him would be mightily pissed off. What a shit day they will have because of their own stupidity! Sounds like they are having marital problems and are going to now be stuck together for a long weekend!

ArsenicInTheAppleTart · 08/12/2023 14:45

So she does have an unidentified issue with your mum.

They sound like a pair of fannies. Your day will be enhanced by their not being present.

Angrycat2768 · 08/12/2023 14:46

ArsenicInTheAppleTart · 08/12/2023 14:45

So she does have an unidentified issue with your mum.

They sound like a pair of fannies. Your day will be enhanced by their not being present.

Yes it does sound like that. Otherwise why drag the mother into it?

Rattai · 08/12/2023 14:49

I think you need to phone SIL and ask her what the issue is.

saraclara · 08/12/2023 14:51

Yes. There's still the mystery of the "because of mum..." bit of their really stupid argument.

stepintochristmas1 · 08/12/2023 14:52

You can now be assured their marriage rows will not be played out at your dinner table 😁

DontListenToWhatYouveConsumed · 08/12/2023 14:53

I would give them a massive swerve in future.
They are both behaving terribly, dragging external family into their marrital issues is juvenile and pathetic.
Enjoy a drama free Christmas (life) without them

PossumintheHouse · 08/12/2023 14:54

Jesus, let them get on with it. They can have their own shitty Christmas together. I’d be serving her a present of divorce papers for being such a petulant arsehole.