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Original poster

Why am I responsible for everyone’s happiness at Christmas?

128 replies

mioz · 30/12/2022 22:14

I am the middle of 3 siblings (late 20s). Eldest sibling lives abroad, youngest still lives with one of our parents. Parents divorced around 10 years ago, amicable but still awkward when they are around eachother. Anyway I am always always always responsible for hosting Christmas every year! I don’t usually feel I can say no as no one else is in the position to be able to host (no space) which means we (DH and I) usually end up buying all food and drinks, cooking all day (missing out on spending time with our young kids), serving everyone and being left with all the cleaning and tidying post xmas and I’m so sick of it. People come over and don’t lift a fucking finger/offer to make a drink/get their own drinks etc. DM is extremely hard work and will sulk if things don’t go her way, she expects to be waited on basically. Tonight we’ve booked a cottage for next Christmas, just us and the kids but I dread telling my mum as I feel so responsible for her happiness. Why do I feel like this and how can I best break the news that we won’t be hosting her or anyone next Christmas?! I know she’ll be annoyed and will probably have a miserable time but I just don’t feel I should be responsible for everyone’s Christmas every year.

OP posts:
PopUpMoon · 30/12/2022 22:18

Tell her your putting your children and their experience of Christmas first, after years of putting a bunch of arsehole adults first.

Alcemeg · 30/12/2022 22:21

Just let everyone know now that you're planning to take a break from all the catering next Xmas and have booked yourself a treat for a change. They should all say you jolly well deserve it, but if not, if there's any weirdness, you've still got another 12 months for the ripples to settle after dropping this stone in the pond.

iamthesparrow · 30/12/2022 22:23

Why can't your DM and younger sibling cook for themselves at home, or invite you out to a restaurant for Christmas lunch?

It sounds like they've taken the piss for years, but now it's become the norm/expected.

I don't blame you for booking a cottage.

If they complain repeat this part back to them

we (DH and I) usually end up buying all food and drinks, cooking all day (missing out on spending time with our young kids), serving everyone and being left with all the cleaning and tidying post xmas and I’m so sick of it. People come over and don’t lift a fucking finger

XanaduKira · 30/12/2022 22:23

Alcemeg · 30/12/2022 22:21

Just let everyone know now that you're planning to take a break from all the catering next Xmas and have booked yourself a treat for a change. They should all say you jolly well deserve it, but if not, if there's any weirdness, you've still got another 12 months for the ripples to settle after dropping this stone in the pond.

Agree with this approach

Pootle22 · 30/12/2022 22:26

Great idea, good on you.

Tell them now, in a 'how exciting is this...' sort of way. If they react badly you'll know you're definitely doing the right thing.

Think about what you'll do for future years though. It's good to have a break to force another to take the lead but you're not really solving the problem just kicking the can down the road.

Original poster
mioz · 30/12/2022 22:27

iamthesparrow · 30/12/2022 22:23

Why can't your DM and younger sibling cook for themselves at home, or invite you out to a restaurant for Christmas lunch?

It sounds like they've taken the piss for years, but now it's become the norm/expected.

I don't blame you for booking a cottage.

If they complain repeat this part back to them

we (DH and I) usually end up buying all food and drinks, cooking all day (missing out on spending time with our young kids), serving everyone and being left with all the cleaning and tidying post xmas and I’m so sick of it. People come over and don’t lift a fucking finger

Sounds like a million excuses but they genuinely don’t have the space (teeeeeny tiny flat with no dining area) to host or even to eat a meal themselves, and I have suggested every year for about 6 years that we go to a restaurant but it’s always ‘too expensive’ so I’d be expected to pay for them as it’s my idea! I feel like because we have the space, it’s a right for them all to come here and be lazy bastards. It results in a truly miserable Christmas for me and DH!

OP posts:
igglo · 30/12/2022 22:28

you seem to feel the responsibility of being the glue of this disperse family and only thanks to you that everyone has a chance to meet up. Do take your own family's welfare first.

poefaced · 30/12/2022 22:30

Well done on booking the cottage. Don’t tell them where in case they turn up!

Use this opportunity to break the habit of hosting.

Say you won’t be hosting anymore.

reallyneedtosleep · 30/12/2022 22:33

They've got 12 months to put £5 a month aside each to pay for Christmas dinner at the pub.
Or they could save up and go spend Christmas with your sibling abroad!

Just say to them exactly what you've said to us. You want to relax on Christmas Day not spend it cooking and cleaning and so that's what you're doing next year.
DO NOT LET THEM WEASLE IN AND COME WITH YOU TO THE COTTAGE!!

Rogue1001MNer · 30/12/2022 22:38

I don't want to be negative. I do hear you, and other posters are supporting you.

Please understand I'm writing this from the perspective of haiving lost my dad. Nearly 11 years ago, but it's been biting a bit this week and I've been feeling sad.

If you'd LIKE to go away as a family, then you've done a great thing, and I hope you have a fabulous time.

But, your family won't be around forever. I assume you don't see the one that lives abroad very often.
I feel a bit sad that you couldn't make it work with your family, rather than running away/avoiding the conversation

Please ignore me

NotMyDayJob · 30/12/2022 22:42

mioz · 30/12/2022 22:27

Sounds like a million excuses but they genuinely don’t have the space (teeeeeny tiny flat with no dining area) to host or even to eat a meal themselves, and I have suggested every year for about 6 years that we go to a restaurant but it’s always ‘too expensive’ so I’d be expected to pay for them as it’s my idea! I feel like because we have the space, it’s a right for them all to come here and be lazy bastards. It results in a truly miserable Christmas for me and DH!

Show quote history

Presumably they manage to eat dinner the other 365 days of the year ? They don't have to host, no one has to host but you shouldn't have to pay out for it every year. They know you're paying for it, they just don't care good on you OP

poefaced · 30/12/2022 22:43

Rogue1001MNer · 30/12/2022 22:38

I don't want to be negative. I do hear you, and other posters are supporting you.

Please understand I'm writing this from the perspective of haiving lost my dad. Nearly 11 years ago, but it's been biting a bit this week and I've been feeling sad.

If you'd LIKE to go away as a family, then you've done a great thing, and I hope you have a fabulous time.

But, your family won't be around forever. I assume you don't see the one that lives abroad very often.
I feel a bit sad that you couldn't make it work with your family, rather than running away/avoiding the conversation

Please ignore me

I really hate this emotionally manipulative crap.

Why are women usually expected to do all the grunt work to to ensure everyone else has an amazing Christmas?

Please ignore me

I do hope OP ignores you.

Soonenough · 30/12/2022 22:43

I had this for years. Only one with big house and kids. Which meant that everyone who was single, no kids and my parents came to me. So no work involved and they all got up at a reasonable time and arrived at 2pm . Meanwhile, we were up at cockcrow , kids over excited , then had to clear away and start on dinner , table, etc.
To be fair , they did contribute financially and helped after dinner. But I longed for an easier day , just on our own schedule . Sorry to say that I never achieved it ! Just couldn't bring myself to disàppoint everyone and my kids did love it .
Definitely mention it soon . They can make other plans , even go out if they don't want cook. You should be able to have the Xmas you want.

NotMyDayJob · 30/12/2022 22:45

Rogue1001MNer · 30/12/2022 22:38

I don't want to be negative. I do hear you, and other posters are supporting you.

Please understand I'm writing this from the perspective of haiving lost my dad. Nearly 11 years ago, but it's been biting a bit this week and I've been feeling sad.

If you'd LIKE to go away as a family, then you've done a great thing, and I hope you have a fabulous time.

But, your family won't be around forever. I assume you don't see the one that lives abroad very often.
I feel a bit sad that you couldn't make it work with your family, rather than running away/avoiding the conversation

Please ignore me

Oh stop it with the emotional blackmail. I'm very sorry for your loss, as its obvious you had a nice dad that you miss, but I'd rather gouge out my eyes with a rusty spoon than spend Christmas with my dad. He's an awful person.

OP shouldn't feel she has to be taken the piss out of year on year because one day her relatives might be dead. That's a really horrible thing to say to her.

Hbh17 · 30/12/2022 22:47

You are not responsible for anyone's happiness - except your own. Next Christmas, book to go away on holiday - just you, partner & kids - and everyone else can sort themselves out. It is really not compulsory to see extended family at Christmas, and so many people don't.

Original poster
mioz · 30/12/2022 22:57

Rogue1001MNer · 30/12/2022 22:38

I don't want to be negative. I do hear you, and other posters are supporting you.

Please understand I'm writing this from the perspective of haiving lost my dad. Nearly 11 years ago, but it's been biting a bit this week and I've been feeling sad.

If you'd LIKE to go away as a family, then you've done a great thing, and I hope you have a fabulous time.

But, your family won't be around forever. I assume you don't see the one that lives abroad very often.
I feel a bit sad that you couldn't make it work with your family, rather than running away/avoiding the conversation

Please ignore me

I’m very sorry for your loss and hope you managed to find some small moments of joy over Christmas x

OP posts:
Original poster
mioz · 30/12/2022 22:58

Soonenough · 30/12/2022 22:43

I had this for years. Only one with big house and kids. Which meant that everyone who was single, no kids and my parents came to me. So no work involved and they all got up at a reasonable time and arrived at 2pm . Meanwhile, we were up at cockcrow , kids over excited , then had to clear away and start on dinner , table, etc.
To be fair , they did contribute financially and helped after dinner. But I longed for an easier day , just on our own schedule . Sorry to say that I never achieved it ! Just couldn't bring myself to disàppoint everyone and my kids did love it .
Definitely mention it soon . They can make other plans , even go out if they don't want cook. You should be able to have the Xmas you want.

Thats the thing, I wouldn’t mind if my kids loved it too but I really don’t think they do! They’re wound up and over stimulated and then moaned at by grandparents for not sitting ‘nicely’ at the table and devouring a 3 course meal (which always ends in bickering with me and DM anyway!)

OP posts:
WickedStepmomNOT · 30/12/2022 23:07

Send a family whatsapp or fb message (other social media are available) and say 'thanks for coming for Christmas, it was fun and exhausting at the same time with all the adults in the house and we've done it for a few years in row so next year we're doing something totally different - we've booked a small cottage to concentrate on our DC for Christmas while theyre still small. I know you'll be happy for us'.

You are not responsible for your DM and other family members happiness - what would they do if you werent around? Exactly!

Enjoy your cosy cottage Christmas - and dont give family the address or theyll want to barge in.

Soonenough · 30/12/2022 23:08

Oh , in that case DEFINITELY do it. ! Your kids and you deserve the Xmas you want next year. The others are adults and are in charge of their own arrangements from now on .

NaturalBae · 30/12/2022 23:11

Well done on booking a cottage next Christmas!
Don’t give them the address! 😄

We tend to go away for Christmas every couple of years or so. And when we’re at home over Christmas, we’ve made it clear that we won’t be automatically hosting the whole extended family just because we have the biggest house. Although, we still have to bat away hints and demands from my family to host most family gatherings all year round.

We have huge extended families on both sides and only hosted our parents on Christmas Day this year.

We then saw the rest of my extended family at another relatives house just after Christmas Day. Everybody bought various combinations of food and drink. Lovely and a lot less stressful for all.

DH’s extended family members don’t really make a fuss about all of us getting together at Christmas. We’ll only see them if we invite them over or if we suggest popping into see them over the Christmas/New Year period. We’ll be seeing most of them at a restaurant in a couple of weeks to celebrate a big family Birthday.

Slimjimtobe · 30/12/2022 23:13

Oh my god they are so cheeky and entitled
enjoy the cottage - it sounds lovely

billy1966 · 30/12/2022 23:14

Find the money as a real priority to get some counselling or have a read of the Stately homes threads on here.

Look up FOG, fear, obligation and guilt and how it controls you and your interactions with your parents.

Do this now and work on your responses to them.

Tell them next September that you have plans, AFTER you have paid in full and can't cancel.

You don't owe your parents these years that your children are small when they are so lazy, selfish and mean.

Break free!

Har246 · 30/12/2022 23:24

I could of written this post!

Daffodilsandtuplips · 30/12/2022 23:27

Put yourselves first for once and don’t be quilt tripped into cancelling it. But do it soon.
Like another poster said they could each save a fiver a month towards a meal out, the cost of a pint of beer ( a tenner would be more realistic with todays prices).

Velvian · 30/12/2022 23:33

Yanbu at all. I actually told DH's family that is what we are doing next year for the same reason 😅.

I think you should point out to your mum that it would actually be a lot bloody cheaper for you if everyone went for a meal! What CFs! We had the same thing with suggestion of (a very good value) air bnb. Some people couldn't afford it. Well neither could we, but we also can't afford to cater for extended family for numerous days.

That, and we only get a certain amount of annual leave. Serving people is the very last thing I want to spend my AL doing.