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Original poster

Why am I responsible for everyone’s happiness at Christmas?

128 replies

mioz · 30/12/2022 22:14

I am the middle of 3 siblings (late 20s). Eldest sibling lives abroad, youngest still lives with one of our parents. Parents divorced around 10 years ago, amicable but still awkward when they are around eachother. Anyway I am always always always responsible for hosting Christmas every year! I don’t usually feel I can say no as no one else is in the position to be able to host (no space) which means we (DH and I) usually end up buying all food and drinks, cooking all day (missing out on spending time with our young kids), serving everyone and being left with all the cleaning and tidying post xmas and I’m so sick of it. People come over and don’t lift a fucking finger/offer to make a drink/get their own drinks etc. DM is extremely hard work and will sulk if things don’t go her way, she expects to be waited on basically. Tonight we’ve booked a cottage for next Christmas, just us and the kids but I dread telling my mum as I feel so responsible for her happiness. Why do I feel like this and how can I best break the news that we won’t be hosting her or anyone next Christmas?! I know she’ll be annoyed and will probably have a miserable time but I just don’t feel I should be responsible for everyone’s Christmas every year.

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 31/12/2022 02:59

Absolutely the emotional blackmail can be switched round anyway - her dc will only be small for a few short years she wants to enjoy those. Maybe op can host again occasionally when her kids are teens.

My father had a dreadful aunt who played the “I may be dead one day” card who hilariously outlived everyone she emotionally blackmailed.

Crucible · 31/12/2022 07:20

Can I just add, very very important, make sure it's clear that you DO NOT WANT THEM TO JOIN YOU?
Do not book any where nearby, we are going alone with just our kids.

People do this...

DomesticShortHair · 31/12/2022 07:25

I don’t know. Why are you responsible for everyone’s happiness at Christmas?

Crucible · 31/12/2022 07:31

Caught up and lots have already said...DOH. Sorry.

It's bullshit, people just plonk themselves on one family member and expect to be catered. Bollocks to that. My family come to me but they're incredibly helpful and my sister brings masses of cheese, my dad paid half the Turkey cost. That is what counts.

CantMakeHeadNorTail · 31/12/2022 07:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

hattie43 · 31/12/2022 07:43

Booking a cottage is a great idea .
If you host the year after everyone contributes, one person does starters , another desserts , another buys the booze etc etc , those who cook don't wash up . Make them help . I have a feeling though that once you've broken the mould next year you can do things differently thereafter . Maybe drink / buffet evening either side of Xmas / Boxing Day.

farnworth · 31/12/2022 07:53

Echoing all the PP. Put your own children first. Have a lovely, chilled Christmas with them next year, where you and your children get quality time together.
Don’t feel guilty. You are not responsible for the happiness of your parents and your brother. They clearly are not bothered about what might make you happy.
If they react badly, then shame on them. Just keep saying that it will be better for your children.

2catsandhappy · 31/12/2022 08:11

Very well done op and dh!
I hope you inspire other broke and fed up hosts to do the same.

LovelyDaaling · 31/12/2022 08:24

Don't feed their expectations any longer.
Tell them asap what you are doing and don't feel guilty in the slightest. If this leads to a discussion about future Christmases, so much the better. Be brave and tell them you won't be hosting it every single year from now on, whether or not you decide to go away.

Anyone who tries to guilt trip you (Rogue1001MNer) is completely out of order. You sound like a decent person who is good to your mother all year round. I have lost both my parents, brother and (in terrible circumstances) my sister. Anyone who hasn't got over the death of their parent after 11 years and feels Christmas Day above all others should be held sacred needs to think about why they haven't moved on with their own lives.

BlackFriday · 31/12/2022 08:31

Sounds a good idea to break the pattern by going away next year.
But a longer-term solution (to stop everyone reverting to old habits subsequently) would be to make expectations very clear beforehand. So, allocate people to bring certain dishes, to lay and decorate the table, help clear away and wash up, to organise canapés before/supper afterwards and so forth. If you make it clear that you will provide the venue (for space) but that everything else must be a joint effort, perhaps it might go better for you?

shard5 · 31/12/2022 08:32

I probably wouldn't mention the booked cottage just the fact that you'll be doing Christmas different next year just the 4 of you.
They'll pressure you to cancel the booking/ to join you/ to use your home so give as little detail as possible just that you won't be hosting next year and they've plenty of time to make alternative arrangements.

LooLooLemon · 31/12/2022 08:37

The PP’s suggested reply with “fun and exhausting” is great.

I’d replace “cottage” with “booked a holiday”. Everyone will assume it’s abroad. You can then dodge the question of where if asked!!

I’d love to book a cottage in the UK. We’ve got young DC and I’d adore just us and them for Christmas!! Sadly we’d never get away with it. We’d have to go abroad 🤦🏼‍♀️

DDivaStar · 31/12/2022 08:39

I hope you have a lovely time next year and this breaks the habit.

However this situation will only pop up again the following year so make sure your prepared. When they ask if you're hosting say yes of course we can be at our house sibling but you and dm are in charge of starter and pudding, we'll need xyz. Oh and bring what you'd like to drink. Then thrust rubber gloves and teatowel at them after dinner. If they don't like mucking in maybe they won't invite themselves every year !

MzHz · 31/12/2022 08:47

Pootle22 · 30/12/2022 22:26

Great idea, good on you.

Tell them now, in a 'how exciting is this...' sort of way. If they react badly you'll know you're definitely doing the right thing.

Think about what you'll do for future years though. It's good to have a break to force another to take the lead but you're not really solving the problem just kicking the can down the road.

This is exactly the approach I’d take! “Hey guess what… dh, me and the kids will be going away next Xmas! can’t wait!”

and then ride it all out and don't worry about others… they don’t worry about you!

DysmalRadius · 31/12/2022 08:50

Rogue1001MNer · 30/12/2022 22:38

I don't want to be negative. I do hear you, and other posters are supporting you.

Please understand I'm writing this from the perspective of haiving lost my dad. Nearly 11 years ago, but it's been biting a bit this week and I've been feeling sad.

If you'd LIKE to go away as a family, then you've done a great thing, and I hope you have a fabulous time.

But, your family won't be around forever. I assume you don't see the one that lives abroad very often.
I feel a bit sad that you couldn't make it work with your family, rather than running away/avoiding the conversation

Please ignore me

Presumably you miss your dad because you have lots of fond memories of him at Christmas? Why would you recommend the OP denies herself the chance to make those kind of memories with her children instead of waiting on an ungrateful bunch of adults?

Tekkentime · 31/12/2022 08:57

Don't tell them yet but in a couple of months, then they won't analyse it as much.

Hahahahohoho · 31/12/2022 09:02

Rogue1001MNer · 30/12/2022 22:38

I don't want to be negative. I do hear you, and other posters are supporting you.

Please understand I'm writing this from the perspective of haiving lost my dad. Nearly 11 years ago, but it's been biting a bit this week and I've been feeling sad.

If you'd LIKE to go away as a family, then you've done a great thing, and I hope you have a fabulous time.

But, your family won't be around forever. I assume you don't see the one that lives abroad very often.
I feel a bit sad that you couldn't make it work with your family, rather than running away/avoiding the conversation

Please ignore me

I'm sorry you are having a crap time at the moment. I think you are lucky to have happy memories of a functional family even if they are not around.
But that is not the case with the OP, she is being asked to sacrifice her happiness to make everyone else happy - that's not a tradition worth saving.

LimeCheesecake · 31/12/2022 09:03

Tell them in a few weeks “we saw a great deal on a cottage over the Christmas holidays next year and have booked that.” Keep it light - you fancy a change.

the year after you’ll have broken the tradition of everyone round to you and you hosting the traditional meal - you can then say how nice it was to not have to rush or cater lots of people so you’ll invite them for after lunch for a buffet at yours in the evening, or Boxing Day.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 31/12/2022 09:04

You're not contractually obliged to spend Christmas with all your family. They first year after I had my eldest was a nightmare with various relatives visiting. We told them thereafter Christmas day was just for us and we would catch them on another day during the festive period. We have continued like this and remain close to our families. They were a little put out at first but understand. The cottage is a good circuit breaker if you want to start new traditions.

ChubbyMorticia · 31/12/2022 09:06

“Going forward, we’ve decided to enjoy our holiday instead of working through it by hosting everyone. We will no longer host. If people wish to make arrangements to meet at a restaurant, we are available until x date or in the new year.”

I wouldn’t let them know any earlier than you had to, simply because I wouldn’t want to be harassed about my choices.

And when the reaction does hit, “We’ve told you what we’re doing. There’s nothing to discuss. We’ve hosted for six years, someone else can do the next six. Or not. But it won’t be us again.”

Runningintolife · 31/12/2022 09:09

I don't know what the answer is either. We went away one year and it was the best, but I would also like Christmas at home just us 4. My sister who had a small flat actually stepped up and took my parents away the year we went away, so it can help. I hate Christmas and its because of hosting and visitors.

Gingerbreadhouseofhorror · 31/12/2022 09:14

mioz · 30/12/2022 22:57

I’m very sorry for your loss and hope you managed to find some small moments of joy over Christmas x

Show quote history

OP you are such a lovely person to reply in such a nice way to this poster who, although had a very sad story, did lay a bit of a guilt trip on you. I can see why you’re in this dilemma, you’re too nice for your own good!

I hope your cottage is not big enough for the spongers to come along and join you! If you do tell them early they might try to wheedle their way in, so it might be better if you leave it till October say. Good for you, don’t blame you at all. Have the lovely time you deserve.

MrsToadflax · 31/12/2022 09:15

You've done the right thing - just make sure it is very clear the cottage is just for you and not extended family! Also give plenty of notice so they can't use that against you.

IncompleteSenten · 31/12/2022 09:19

Tell them the truth.
My Christmas is miserable because I'm running round after everyone, paying for everything and don't get a moment to relax. I'm not doing it any more.

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 31/12/2022 09:20

I am so sick of hearing of manipulative relatives. I have a few myself that I am now NC with.

I honestly would just tell them straight up what you are doing and why. If they don’t like it, that’s not your problem. Have they given 2 f’s about how you’ve been treated every Christmas for 6 years? Have they contributed in any way whatsoever other than to the stress levels and sound like you’ve had a shit Christmas for years on end? No. So you don’t have to worry about that either. Just tell them you are having a Christmas alone next year and you’re letting them know in advance so they can make their own own plans. If they react badly just stay silent. Don’t get involved in an argument. Let them have their tantrums and make their own decisions on communication. Do not allow the manipulation any longer.

Your mother and sibling can make their own Christmas dinners and so can your dad. Imagine in 10-20 years time when your children are telling you they don’t have any good memories of Christmas because you felt you had to put your families happiness above theirs. I don’t mean that to sound harsh, but that’s h how it could be. This is my own reality because my father is a narcissist and ruined EVERY SINGLE CHRISTMAS for us. I don’t have any good memories because they are probably stamped out by all the bad ones. And I’m 42. Please, please do not feel bad for putting your own family first.