Why am I responsible for everyone’s happiness at Christmas?

[mioz]

I am the middle of 3 siblings (late 20s). Eldest sibling lives abroad, youngest still lives with one of our parents. Parents divorced around 10 years ago, amicable but still awkward when they are around eachother. Anyway I am always always always responsible for hosting Christmas every year! I don’t usually feel I can say no as no one else is in the position to be able to host (no space) which means we (DH and I) usually end up buying all food and drinks, cooking all day (missing out on spending time with our young kids), serving everyone and being left with all the cleaning and tidying post xmas and I’m so sick of it. People come over and don’t lift a fucking finger/offer to make a drink/get their own drinks etc. DM is extremely hard work and will sulk if things don’t go her way, she expects to be waited on basically. Tonight we’ve booked a cottage for next Christmas, just us and the kids but I dread telling my mum as I feel so responsible for her happiness. Why do I feel like this and how can I best break the news that we won’t be hosting her or anyone next Christmas?! I know she’ll be annoyed and will probably have a miserable time but I just don’t feel I should be responsible for everyone’s Christmas every year.

They sound like a miserable bunch. And yes, they won't be around forever but it doesn't sound like you're going to look back on the Christmases spent with them with many fond memories, except being taken advantage of.

So why are you wasting your children's Christmases on these people? The 'magic years' don't last for long - make the most of them! Make memories you'll actually enjoy looking back on with your own children rather than being guilted into waiting hand and foot on these joyless people.

Tell them early, then they'll have a whole 11 months to work out who else they can taken advantage of to get a free meal.

During the last five years, I’ve proposed that we all eat out together on Christmas Day. I’ve suggested that we should all start saving towards a nice Christmas Dinner at least 14 months in advance, but most of them moan and groan about the cost but have no problem freeloading and not lifting a finger at other people’s homes on Christmas Day!

Years ago, we spent Christmas away at a beautiful, snow capped, Christmasy Scandinavian location. DH was working there during the week and was renting an apartment so we invited a few of my family members to join us there over Christmas. All they had to do was pay for the cheap flights that we had identified for them months in advance. None of them took up our offer. MIL flew out last min to join us a couple of days before Christmas. It was one of our most memorable Christmases/holidays.

Well done for putting a stop to this OP! Your children will be grateful.

Hold firm and DO NOT cancel the cottage. I suspect they will try to guilt you into doing this.

Tell them soon so they have no cause for complaint - almost a years notice is more than generous.

"Hi family we aren't up for the expense and effort of hosting everyone for Christmas again next year. We realised while paying for everything and being treated like wait staff in our own home we could be enjoying the precious time we have while our kids are kids instead. So we are going away the 4 of us next year!"

We’ve just had the most relaxing Christmas away from home. I used to love Christmas but over the last few years it’s been sooo stressful with relatives (my sister and aunt in particular) that we decided this year to bugger the lot of them and not host. We’ll be going away each year at Christmas from now on.

OP, don’t think twice about it…..you won’t believe how stress free you’ll be !

YANBU. Every year is too much. I would just give plenty of notice and point out you were worn out this year and are prioritising your own family next year. It doesn't sound like it is enjoyable for anyone anyway if your DM is constantly sulking and your children moaned at.

Why do you do it then?
I never do and won't be doing anytime in the future.
It's just me, DS and DIL.
I haven't got the time or energy for all that nonsense.
Next year tell everyone is just you DH and the kids and they can like it or lump it.

Cottage is a brilliant idea. The sooner you tell them all your plans, the better. They then have a whole year to get used to the idea that they will have to plan their own Christmas. Very selfish of them to assume you do all the work and pay for all the food every time. I would also echo PP - DO NOT let anyone else invite themselves to the cottage!!

I hear you OP! I've hosted Christmas for most of the last 30 years and this year it really felt too much- and that is with some help and some contributions.
It's not great that no one is helping you prepare, or cook/serve on the day, or chip in towards the cost.. you must feel quite unappreciated!
My advice would be not to get stuck in the rut where everyone is expecting you to manage it all. It's a great idea to rent a cottage for next year, and to tell everyone that's what you're doing now. Your parents are probably young enough to sort themselves out, and your siblings old enough to do the same. The fact that no one finds it necessary to offer help suggests they don't actually think about how much you have to do, and doing it themselves for a few might change their attitude going forwards!

Similar situation here. This year I decided enough was enough and we went away for Xmas just by ourselves, myself, DH and DC. I figured my parents and PIL have had almost 40 years of Xmas with me, they can handle one without us. And at nearly 40 I want to do Xmas the way we want with our little family.

So was just us four, little house at the coast, had a restaurant deliver Xmas lunch, little walk on the beach in the afternoon. Absolute chilled and Christmas bliss. Hoping to do the same next year!

You are dead right op and don't let anyone tell you different. You are not responsible for everyone else's Christmas and you and your family deserve to enjoy it. We have similar with my DHs family although not quite as extreme as we don't necessarily see everyone together (and not always on Christmas Day) but we always host and he has said that we are not doing it anymore, we are going to suggest we visit them or do nothing next year.
Let this end the annual routine of everyone coming to you, next year say you are not having anyone on Christmas day and either have people on another day if it suits or arrange to meet people out and about if you can't visit them. You need to prioritise your family.
As for the person who said people might die, I appreciate they mean well but this is not a way to live your life, your parents could be alive another 30-40 years, longer for your sisters and you need to prioritise your own family and kids. They need a nice relaxed day at home with their parents.
Finally it really sounds like no-one even appreciates what you are doing for them which should reinforce you stopping even more.

Me too. Best announce it now. Hope it works out OP!

Great you're breaking the mould next year, it's dangerous to get into patterns I think. However I wouldn't tell them until Christmas comes up later in the year. If you tell them you won't hear the last of it and they will try and guilt trip you into cancelling or will assume you will invite them along. The most
I would say, if you must, is that you are planning something different for next year and it'll just be the four of you.

I think it’s safe to tell them now. If they bring it up, you can say how much you’re looking forward to it being the 4 of you. If pushed, you can remind them that they are not children, you are not their parent and they are more than capable of sorting themselves out. Perhaps you can suggest a buffet/takeaway at yours on your return with all adults contributing.

Another one who is in this boat. Really stressful this year. Arrival was the 21st...departure tomorrow...No space also given as the issue, so never host anyone (and have very little idea what it actually entails). Spiky little argument today because of actually having ILs over for a couple of nights too, and also having to put some boundaries in to do some hours of work today. If any consolation, you can't be responsible for her happiness because there's always something that means wall to wall happiness is unrealistic under these circumstances.

I would send a very honest email to everyone

Dear all

I hope you enjoyed your Christmas. However, DH and I didn't as we spent it running around waiting on all of you and missed out on spending time with our DC. Also it cost us a fortune to host you all, no one offered either to help with costs, or the cooking etc etc. We have therefore decided that as there are very few years where our DC are small enough to still believe in the magic of Christmas we are going to make sure we don't miss out again. We have therefore booked to take out little family away next Christmas so we can enjoy it. We are letting you all know this now so that you can work out what you will be doing instead and save up for it over the whole year if you need to.

Sometimes you just need to lay it on the line that behaviour is not acceptable.

They’re the ones who need to make it work by at least either paying something towards the Christmas meal or bringing something they could cook or failing that buy something towards it such as dessert, the turkey or wine and then helping to clean up afterwards. In fact what is to stop them actually cooking the food in ops house?

I think it is fantastic to go away and break this cycle. Well done!

"I have suggested every year for about 6 years that we go to a restaurant but it’s always ‘too expensive’ so I’d be expected to pay for them as it’s my idea!"
Hmm. too expensive because they'd have to put their hand in their own pocket instead of yours for a change.

"It results in a truly miserable Christmas for me and DH!"
Hold on to that thought. Hold tight on to it. Because I suspect that when you tell them their freeloading days are over there will be squealing - much squealing! You have to have that single thought in the front of your mind - 'Christmas is miserable for me and DH and DC and you don't care as long as you get fed', and stand your ground.

As to how to tell them, I think WickedStepmomNOT's suggestion is the best:

"Send a family whatsapp or fb message (other social media are available) and say 'thanks for coming for Christmas, it was fun and exhausting at the same time with all the adults in the house and we've done it for a few years in row so next year we're doing something totally different - we've booked a small cottage to concentrate on our DC for Christmas while theyre still small. I know you'll be happy for us'."

This slides in the points that you've been hosting for years now, and that you don't get to enjoy your children on the day, and that they won't be small forever so it's now, now, now before they're bigger. I'd tell them ASAP, and maybe include that one of them should start a family Christmas Club, everyone chucks a fiver in each month and wow! there will be £60/head sitting waiting to pay for a nice restaurant come Christmas, how good is that!

One last point. Everyone's saying don't tell them where the cottage is or they'll want to join you, which is really good advice! Another thing to consider is that you need to be ready to laugh at them / tell them 'no, not a chance' if they suggest that they use your big house for Christmas dinner whilst you're away (I really am that cynical).

I hope you have a lovely Christmas 2023 just yourselves.

Exactly this

Yep we are stuck hurting. DH is an only child so Mil has to come for dinner here. We did nip her staying over in the bud as she expects it, but really we only get the standard days off so after knocking out pans in tidying and making dinner etc after working full time (with all the expense as no one thinks to say ‘how about I bring x or y?) I want Boxing Day to myself! So. As I have to be here every year my mum and brother come here too. The reasons for us being nominated are, my mums house is filthy annd she is s hoarder, I won’t eat there, as the kitchen is vile and filthy, neither will DH and I bet MIL would run a mile if she saw it. Mil has a 40 year old kitchen with no oven as she doesn’t cook she just eats ready microwave meals, toast and instant porridge. No one wants to go out for a meal either….I just want me and DH to go to a hotel somewhere alone.

This year I told my mum to bring teabags and sweetener as we don’t drink tea so don’t buy teabags and we don’t use sweeteners. She kicked off about having to bring a couple of fucking teabags. I said ‘oh well don’t bother but maybe I won’t bother with the 3 course meal that has cost a bomb. Not to mention spending my Christmas Eve prepping it!’ She turned up sans teabags and complained that I didn’t make tea for her! Sure I’ll waste money on a box of teabags that I’ll need to throw out on top of all the other expenses. At least bring your drinks. I might just say next year is cancelled as we can’t afford 3 extra mouths.

This. Not too blunt and unlikely to cause resentment as the other one might, but gets the message across nicely.

Shut up! Maybe her family won’t be around forever but she gets limited Christmases whilst her children are little to enjoy with them rather than adults who can look after themselves. Her children won’t be young forever and she’s missing out on that magic

My mil tried this manipulative bullshit ‘well I won’t be around forever!’ I felt like saying ‘long enough though!’

Just make sure you don’t tell them where the cottage is or they will assume that they’re invited too.
Also, I think you should mention that using “Too expensive” is not an excuse for refusing to go to a restaurant because the cost of catering for everyone has been crippling you. The cost of living increase this year has proven that the restaurant thing is the only feasible way forward from now on with everyone paying their own way.

One last point. Everyone's saying don't tell them where the cottage is or they'll want to join you, which is really good advice! Another thing to consider is that you need to be ready to laugh at them / tell them 'no, not a chance' if they suggest that they use your big house for Christmas dinner whilst you're away (I really am that cynical).

Absolutely bang on - I was just coming on to say the same. 🌹

@Rogue1001MNer Stop trying to play the OP. There's always one, "you'll be sorry when they're all dead" "I hope your sons marry DILs like you" "I really miss my granny who died before I was born"

Emotionally manipulative bullshit.