Why am I responsible for everyone’s happiness at Christmas?

[mioz]

I am the middle of 3 siblings (late 20s). Eldest sibling lives abroad, youngest still lives with one of our parents. Parents divorced around 10 years ago, amicable but still awkward when they are around eachother. Anyway I am always always always responsible for hosting Christmas every year! I don’t usually feel I can say no as no one else is in the position to be able to host (no space) which means we (DH and I) usually end up buying all food and drinks, cooking all day (missing out on spending time with our young kids), serving everyone and being left with all the cleaning and tidying post xmas and I’m so sick of it. People come over and don’t lift a fucking finger/offer to make a drink/get their own drinks etc. DM is extremely hard work and will sulk if things don’t go her way, she expects to be waited on basically. Tonight we’ve booked a cottage for next Christmas, just us and the kids but I dread telling my mum as I feel so responsible for her happiness. Why do I feel like this and how can I best break the news that we won’t be hosting her or anyone next Christmas?! I know she’ll be annoyed and will probably have a miserable time but I just don’t feel I should be responsible for everyone’s Christmas every year.

Well done! I’m taking a similar stand next year as I’m also fed up of hosting! I’ve done it for 10 years and it’s enough!

Oh god give it a rest, jeez I hate the one sanctimonious poster who totally doesn't get it

Agree with FOG, I'm sadly in similar position as OP but my parent is 90, really bad relationship with them but what do you do at that age?

You’re doing the right thing next year by having your own Christmas with your family.
You need your memories with them too, your children won’t be young forever.

By doing this next year you’re setting the standard for your siblings and parents future Christmas’. They’re big enough to sort themselves out.
You can’t and shouldn’t be guilted into providing the perfect Christmas for them. It can be difficult enough to do that for kids.

If it was me I’d let the dust settle from this year and tell them your plans in March or at latest Easter. They’ll have enough time to sort themselves out and get over it by the time that next Christmas rolls around.

And make sure the cottage is only big enough for your immediate family, otherwise they'll think they can all come along.

I was SO glad to read that you've booked a cottage for next year. I thought the post was going to end in your being a martyr forever.

It's an absolute piss take of them. Poor you and your poor kids.

I have a strong feeling that FIL would like us to host every year. I did it for 7 years running when it was only him (which I enjoyed), but now he has a Partner who has an enormous house with 6 en-suite bedrooms, and they never invite us there, so why should we?

I guess you can't book a cottage every year, so as a compromise in future, why don't you all have a meal out together on Christmas eve or boxing day. That is a solution that works for us. Or at a stretch a cottage together, where everyone brings a certain dish and everyone pitches in. Neutral territory will make it feel that it's not your job.

Sounds like a lovely plan. Let them know early that you are away next Christmas so you get a break from hosting and then enjoy. You are allowed to prioritise yourself occasionally. Don't tell them where you are going or you may find they have booked the neighbouring cottage "so we can all be together still" which is something a friends family did.

Do they not contribute at all??!!

book a holiday!!

Agree OP should go away next year.

We have large family Christmasses at my DB's massive house. Difference is, we all bring food and drink after consultation with him and SIL. We help lay tables, cook, clear away, wash up, organise games etc. It's still a major effort for them re bedmaking, clearing and other prep.

I'm not sure why OP hasn't told her family - you bring the Christmas pud/you bring the cheeses/you bring wine. And commandeered them into helping. But it clearly isn't working for her own family. I'd be telling the rest at least half way through the year so they have plenty of time to sort out alternatives.

@Rogue1001MNer - the OP and her dh have a miserable Christmas, cooking, cleaning, waiting on everyone hand and foot, missing out on having the fun of Christmas with their children, with no thanks whatsoever, and her children have a miserable Christmas too.

Please can you explain why they should carry on doing this year after year.

@mioz - I think the cottage sounds like an excellent idea - please don’t let them manipulate you into cancelling it, and definitely do NOT tell them where you are going!

I'd just say you're going away next Christmas. Don't give precise times, locations, whether you've booked it already, and do not - I can't emphasise this enough - do NOT mention the word "cottage"! Be as vague as possible for as long as possible. Maybe mention several options you've been considering (skiing in Switzerland, trekking in Peru, meeting Santa in Lapland...) without saying what you've actually chosen, otherwise you absolutely know they'll be working out ways to make it a communal holiday for the whole bunch, wholly or mainly at your expense. To be decent, let people know a suitable date before or after the break for you to drop round and exchange gifts.

Hey everyone, I'm afraid we won't be doing all the work and all the paying for Christmas again next year - it's just not fair that none of you thank us, contribute to the cost or help out at all.

We're going to go to a cottage so we can focus on the DC who've been left to their own devices far too much over the years while we run around. I know you'll understand when you think it through. Happy New Year, etc.

Good for you! I need to put my brave pants on and do the same. We’re in a similar position except have added pressure from PIL as DH brother still lives at home and we have the only grandchild on both sides of the family & both our parents are split... it’s all fun and games eh! I’ve already had a comment from MIL about how spending Xmas with her grandson is the best gift in the world and she can’t wait for next Xmas day at ours already.. I laughed and said I’ll be on a beach somewhere hot so she can make other plans 😂 I’m hoping to be pregnant or have a newborn and can politely tell everyone I’m running away to my mums for Xmas to be waited on hand and foot with DH & our son & hopefully a newborn 😂

All jokes aside, their happiness is not your issue.. yes they’re family and you love them and they’re not here forever blah blah but you’ve got a family now and it’s time to make some traditions of your own that you’ll enjoy and not have to think about everyother adults happiness.

Enjoy the cottage, hopefully I’ll be in the one next door 😅

Their happiness is not your responsibility - but you have been making yourself a martyr when you could have insisted that other people contribute - either in cash or delegate different people to bring e.g. Christmas Pudding and/or mince pies, smoked salmon, cheese, several large bags of crisps, a camembert and/or a chunk of stilton , bottle of port - whatever would help you. Then they lay the table and wash up/ load a dishwasher.

Just tell them that you are going away from Christmas next year. They will a complete year to plan and decide what will work for Christmas 2023.

If your DM or siblings say the accommodation has no more space, sorry, you managed to book the last available room/cottage. Repeat like a broken record. Then change the subject.

Hope you and your family enjoy your Christmas.

My SIL is the only one with a big enough house to host Christmas so we often end up there (only every other year though as we are with my family the alternate year).

However...we contribute financially to the food, bring booze and a pile of mince pies etc with us, we all share the cooking and help clear up, strip our beds when we leave and clean our bathroom. I couldn't just turn up at someone else's house for 3 days and do nothing. Then again, SIL is an excellent delegator and wouldn't put up with it.

Fair enough that you are escaping for a Christmas on your own next year, but in future you have to stick up for yourself a bit more too - ask people to bring a dish or prepare something, and allocate jobs. If you never ask them to they're unlikely to change.

I've a question for those suggesting dividing up the work; it's genuine. What do you do when you know that certain members of your family will fuck up even the tiniest weeniest job or contribution intentionally so that they don't get asked to do it again? How to navigate that one? Any hints and tips? There have been excellent responses here and I'm wondering for a friend of mine whose family have form......

Really appreciate all replies on this thread! I had no idea many of us were in the same boat. DM does usually bring some food or financially contribute in some (very small) way, but will dump said contributions on the table then sit on her arse all day ‘waiting until I’m free’ to top up her drink rather than helping herself. I know I’m avoiding a bigger conversation by escaping rather than telling them the reason I don’t want to host. But I think I’ll leave that conversation to longer than 5 days after Christmas 😂

Oh yes, that's a thing. They will probably do something additional and left-field in the name of generosity as well, which is just grating. E.g. you asked for coleslaw and a nice soft drink, and instead receive a large bunch of flowers (lovely, but not going to fit the need for the actual food, so you go without or have to pop out again) and a giant pack of decaf teabags from a hamper, because they don't like them and you've got so many guests. They will be in a bag that's tucked somewhere slightly discreet where you're unlikely to find them (NB - just noticed the poster above also made reference to this, I hear you mioz).

So this becomes more emotional labour, to me, and it's seriously just more predictable to try and do it yourself. I think the only thing that I would say to the question is to make it as easy as possible for yourself. So go very simple on what you're buying or making. Have loads of things like bread, cook-up rolls, extra cereal, extra butter, bottled drinks, in hand (this is what will disappear very quickly if your place is like mine). Leave drinks in garage or shed on the floor to get cold. Put out a ton of mugs and spoons very obviously on a tray on the table whenever possible (hint to make own tea). Does that help?

And go to a cottage next year. On Shetland.

@Crucible “What do you do when you know that certain members of your family will fuck up even the tiniest weeniest job or contribution intentionally so that they don't get asked to do it again? “

Be prepared to comment on it. It could be done with a smile and a humorous tone, or just ask as a question. (Do this publicly)
“Hmmm, looks like you deliberately did this job badly /deliberately bought the wrong thing”.
Wait for an answer - regardless of answer or lack of one - continue on to ask what are they going to do to make up for it. Give them a list of tasks or send them out to buy items. If it’s a deliberate mis-purchase, then say that if they wish to attend another time ( if you feel you HAVE to invite them) then, as they clearly find shopping a chore, they need to send you £x in advance as their contribution. Be calm, cheery, unemotional, but show a core of steel!

Good answers both. Thanks. I think my friend has had this so often (and it's not fun or funny on Christmas day with Kids to have someone FAIL TO BRING THE BLOODY DESSERT) that she has been manipulated into doing it all in order to ensure it actually gets done.

Thankfully my family have to be told not to unstack the dishwasher and they bring more than they are asked!
It sucks when people do this. It's really low behaviour.

Life moves on and traditions can change although I know how hard it is to be the instigator. I would probably wait until July/August tbh to let people know they need to make their own plans next year, otherwise you will be hearing about it all year. A simple “we are going away for Christmas this year, just doing a low key Christmas with the kids” is enough. Resist the temptation to organise things for everyone else in response to “but what will I do”. Smile sweetly and say “you need to make plans with x and y or whoever”. I have got myself into a situation, totally of my own making, where any attempt to go off script is met with howls of outrage. We had an amazing Christmas this year, organised totally by me, but next year I am determined that we will not be in the country.

Sorry I disagree. Say something now while the hell is fresh in your minds and gives them stacks of notice. Also will link their behaviour with the decision.

Yes tell them sooner rather than later but I’d tell them you’re going to an hotel to be waited on hand and foot rather than say you’re going to a cottage.
They can’t nag you all year to make it a family thing then.
Don’t take any notice of of any sob stories about them not having room to cook. They can each have a small dinner at their own place where they’ve managed to cook all year round.
Alternatively they can do what someone else suggested and save some money each week/month and book a restaurant.
What would they have done over all the years if you hadn’t have been able to have hosted?

Yep, I'm with @TheaBrandt and yourself, I'd tell them sooner rather than later. Lots of notice for them to make their own arrangements, and "link their behaviour with the decision" if they start objecting. Although telling them on 1st December would be tempting for me too, but I think OP is far nice than me so probably wouldn't.

It's possible that a family member will bring Christmas into the conversation, in which case I'd just casually drop in a mention that I wouldn't be hosting next year. Then let it spread (like wildfire, probably) to the rest of the family.

Although I still think WickedStepmomNOT's suggestion is the best:

"Send a family whatsapp or fb message (other social media are available) and say 'thanks for coming for Christmas, it was fun and exhausting at the same time with all the adults in the house and we've done it for a few years in row so next year we're doing something totally different - we've booked a small cottage to concentrate on our DC for Christmas while theyre still small. I know you'll be happy for us'."

Misdirecting them with a hotel sounds good. Pick an expensive one at the other end of the country from the cottage! Since they won't spring for a restaurant they wouldn't spring for a hotel either, but better safe than sorry. They might try and argue that of course the cottage will accommodate them too so of course they will come too; you can't argue that about a hotel room, the hotel wouldn't stand for it.

I wonder if knowing you've booked Christmas away would turn their self-absorbed gripes into 'music to my ears'?

@Crucible = the only way round this is to send a group whatsapp setting out what everyone is expected to bring/do and make sure that the host only has non essentials. So if Aunty Flo is the main culprit tell her to buy and bring a turkey of a minimum of x lbs. Make a jokey comment on the communal whatsapp along the lines of - so if there's no turkey on CHristmas Day you'll al know who to blame as you've all seen me ask FLo to bring it and I won't be getting in a backup....