Why am I responsible for everyone’s happiness at Christmas?

[mioz]

I am the middle of 3 siblings (late 20s). Eldest sibling lives abroad, youngest still lives with one of our parents. Parents divorced around 10 years ago, amicable but still awkward when they are around eachother. Anyway I am always always always responsible for hosting Christmas every year! I don’t usually feel I can say no as no one else is in the position to be able to host (no space) which means we (DH and I) usually end up buying all food and drinks, cooking all day (missing out on spending time with our young kids), serving everyone and being left with all the cleaning and tidying post xmas and I’m so sick of it. People come over and don’t lift a fucking finger/offer to make a drink/get their own drinks etc. DM is extremely hard work and will sulk if things don’t go her way, she expects to be waited on basically. Tonight we’ve booked a cottage for next Christmas, just us and the kids but I dread telling my mum as I feel so responsible for her happiness. Why do I feel like this and how can I best break the news that we won’t be hosting her or anyone next Christmas?! I know she’ll be annoyed and will probably have a miserable time but I just don’t feel I should be responsible for everyone’s Christmas every year.

Agree this is manipulative.
Op , definitely ignore this approach
That is why women always get stuck doing things that is detrimental to them because we are often too busy thinking about others.

I was in a similar situation until recently. I felt I was responsible for everyone's happiness at Christmas. I hated it.

So we booked a cottage a couple of years back. I loved it while we were away. Unfortunately the feeling of being responsible for everyone else's happiness at Christmas didn't magically go away. It's still there. I'm going to get some counselling to try and sort that out.

I suppose I'm saying that sorting the practical side out of the problem doesn't necessarily change the psychological aspect. But it's a good start!

Now is the best and most relevant time to tell them. Otherwise you’ll have to ‘bring it up’ sometime later in the year and it will become a big deal with you worrying in advance of raising it.

text them all now something like:

’Another Christmas over and thanks for coming, hope you all had a good time. But we’re shattered and ready for a change so have booked a place away for a quiet one next year. Just need to do something different and we’re really looking forward to it. Love x’

I would keep it breezy and say we fancied a change - if you start talking about how Christmas is a burden they'll guilt trip you, they'll say why didn't you tell us, - we thought you enjoyed hosting, we just wanted to stay out of your way. we'll help next year...we're really upset you didn't give us a chance, it's the only time we get together an now we'll have nothing and you're the only one who has a big enough house and it will go on...NO be like the Royals don't explain or complain - just get out of there!

Don't tell them yet. They'll have a year to give you earache over it.

I hear you OP. We host family every year and although we enjoyed it in the end this year it was stressful and expensive leading up to it. My ds and her family also arrived 2 hours late so we ended up eating in two sessions. You’re doing the right thing breaking the tradition of always hosting. Maybe they’ll appreciate and help out a bit more should you decide to do it again in the future.

I would tell them in June. That is enough time for them to get used to the idea that you are not going to be around for Christmas.

I like @Stickmansmum 's message. Make them think about you for once. If they give you grief then that should serve to prove you right surely?

I have been hosting for about 15 years. I'd love to do what you are doing next year but dh and the kids love hosting (DH does more than me, don't worry).

One year...

Definitely book your lovely Christmas with your husband and kids! We have a huge family Christmas at my house, I'm the one with all the space. BUT every other adult who is here orders grocery and wine shopping to be delivered, cooks a meal, clears up etc. We have a sort of unofficial rota, and I only have to shop for and make one meal in the whole 3 day period. We all love it. If your relatives won't do likewise, then you owe it to yourself and your children to make another type of Christmas where YOU are also happy. That's what the children will remember

Tell her the very small cottage was gift from someone and you are looking forward to it as it will be something different for the children. Hope you have a really lovely Christmas next year xx

Yes, ignoring your post is the best advice you gave there. Her family may not be around forever but is the OP meant to sacrifice the chance of happy christmases for the next few decades? Your own family experience has nothing to do with OP’s.

I’d be telling them flat that you’re going away, don’t tell them where you’re going and don’t discuss it any further (no need to defend your decisions).

Don’t blame you in the slightest-they have been very selfish!

I’d tell them asap-give them time to make their own plans! Be very vague about where you’ve booked as well.

I would start with therapy to help to sort out the feeling of being responsible for everyone's happiness.
I would put all talk of Christmas aside until I had done the therapy. For now, prioritise yourself and your feelings. Talk of Christmas can wait and hopefully you will feel stronger and better equipped to deal with things after you have done the therapy.
I can absolutely see why people are suggesting saying it now, but I can visualise a full year of wearing you down until you somehow find yourself possibly in a holiday location, next Christmas, but with everyone along as usual and you doing all the work.

I don't see why you have to tell them anything about it so early??
I'd keep shtum, then when one of the ungrateful gits eventually mentions next Christmas tell them you've already made plans.
Fuck 'em.

Have a read of the OPs posts on this thread and note how happy and stress free she is by the end! You've tried, now it's time to do the right thing for your kids.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4687728-my-mothers-christmas-meltdown?page=8&reply=122415317

I can see why your eldest sibling moved away. I find it goes one of two ways. The eldest is either really close and available for loving parents or they move miles away for parents who expect them to now be the adult/parent and do everything. As the eldest has moved your DM has put this task on you.

@Theeaglesoared has hit the nail on the head.
Who knows, you may even get to the point you feel prepared to host again if you can do it on your own terms with boundaries that suit you and less feeling of being put upon and responsible for others' happiness.
I would tell them in February, for example. Doing it now will cause upset (it emphasises how shit Xmas was), and you'll be the one on the receiving end so save yourself. February or similar comes across as more neutral- we changed plans, hey ho.

I think most women seem to be stuck with all these expectations and its really not fair.This seems to be a throwback to the days where few women worked ,and it was seen to be the done thing to host a sparkling Christmas Dinner! It should be taken in turns .I would let them know by Easter, that you are having a break this year and going away for a few days.Mum may create ,but you deserve a break.Does she not have any friends /family elsewhere to go to?

XH and I announced the year we got married that we would be having Christmas alone. No family. I’m sure the families were a bit put out but they got over it. When our DC came along, we had amazing Christmases, just us. Now XH has Christmas early with our adult DC and their partners and I have them for about a week until new year. It’s a riot! We all share tasks, I do bugger all really (though I do pay).

My advice: determine what is right for you, your DH and your DC and just do it. It’s not selfish, it’s you taking responsibility for yourselves - which is what the rest of your hangers on should also be doing. Tell them about the cottage now and say it’s a new tradition that you’ll be following from now on. Good luck!

As a PP said, say you're going on holiday, don't mention the cottage right now.

You've done the right thing. You can only change your behaviour and attitudes. You are not responsible for everyone else, but others are never going to come to that conclusion if you don't either. You offered an alternative with the restaurant and they said no so bad luck. Why should you and your children constantly come second to everyone else? Set the precedent now because you should be able to have Christmas the way you want sometimes, in your own home.

I would suggest that you do Christmas alternate years with family and they bring a course when they come. Don't offer drinks, make people pitch in. On other years, do exactly what you want.

Agree, tell them now in a thank you for joining us message so it’s not such an announcement and also it’s done and dusted.
I must be hard faced because no way would I be putting up with the nonsense some posters do

Why only do what you want to on alternate years ? Yep I really don’t get it 😂

Sounds like a plan! I feel the same. We always host and two of dh's cousins (grown men!) always turn up, no gifts, no wine nothing! Who does that????

@mioz

Bloody good idea but don't give in to emotional blackmail of the family or Rogue variety. Why should you be burdened all the time because they are lazy feckers and Rogue * *thinks because she lost her father you should continue to host as they will die eventually!

I apologize if Rogue thinks I am heartless. I have lost my Mum, Dad and Aunt but yet I agree Mioz should have the Christmas they want. At least once!

But Mioz be prepared. Oh they will promise you everything. We will help you! (Yeah right!). Be firm and mean it! Do not weaken!