Our guests are hinting that they are going to stay longer than wanted ! How to find the words?

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Guests invited until tomorrow. Been here since 23 rd with general idea to go between c mas and new year.

Heard one lot say to another , oh how long are you staying.? . they replied ..oh maybe till the new year. ..

I could not just holler .. what ..?? From a distance across kitchen.

So , said to them later , what did you say about stating longer .. ? They shrugged it off and changed the subject
I said i needed to know . Evasive .

I repeated that we needed to know for food etc and they just said oh well we could get food .

I have had this before and struggled .we live in a beautiful area of natural beauty where people go on holiday and they do relax .

anyone had this before ? If so , do I need to directly say please leave ..and if so how ! Without causing offence ?
They know
us well and I am struggling to ask them to go . If i say we have other guests due , ( a lie and dont want to lie ) I think they would just say oh no problem , we can all muck in , offer to sleep on camp bed if bo room .. I jusy want ghem to go .

it is so good to be able to discuss this !!!!!!

And yes .. eat all the food including that not on offer , but hide away your Christmas chocs away . Being on a good wage Why? why??? Argh!!!
rant !

Perhaps he’s trying to make DH look ineffectual and irrelevant in the eyes of your daughter, all the better to iron clad his own influence over her.
OP, there are SO many red flags here, through all your updates, that they combine to make an extremely urgent problem. It’s not just one side of him that’s awful, it’s every single aspectof his personality.
That all this is backed very closely by the parents makes me fear for your daughter’s emotional wellbeing. (I reckon there needs to be an intervention. Have you any family members, or friends, to whom she’s always been particularly close? A wise great aunt for example.)
I think your family’s happiness and structure are at risk from these people, and you need to take protective measures immediately. Batten down the hatches, waste no more time in teasing out whys and wherefores now, as it’s all clearly exposed for you to see that enough is enough. Basta!

Power play.

By bringing you down (in his eyes) he is lifting himself above you and DH (again, in his eyes).

He has "got one over on you" and thus "wins" in his silly, childish and frankly, weird game

I don't think it's really your fault you just expected him to behave decently and politely to comply with social norms like most people, when someone blatantly disregards politeness and social norms it's very difficult to know what to do.
This is all part of his technique to put you on the back foot, you are blindsided and can't formulate a response because you are people who are used to being polite and it's very difficult to politely deal with this kind of thing unless you have experience of it... which you don't because you're polite people!
As for not allowing him back in, just don't invite him, make excuses until you can think of a reason that feels a watertight, don't get drawn into justifying yourself, it's your home no one gets through the door unless you want them there and you don't want him there!

His behaviour is designed to send a message that he does exactly as he pleases and no one can stop him.

Does your daughter see his behaviour? Is she embarrassed? Does he take any notice of her?

Thank you .

my dh said to me its a power thing . ..

and yes .. power play fits ..!!! going into our freezer without permission , in the context of the other things led to a feeling of unease and that he was saying he's the boss ( especially when he commented oh good ive got the biggest plate , the best view of the tv .. i mean who even thinks about such stuff)

re intervention no body in family perhaps except for my sister in law ..
I am going to start talking to our dc . Dh ill extra model behaviour. I hope she is not too far invested .

Meant to add: the fact that you and your husband subsidised their setting up home together (I hope to god none of this gives BF any rights over property) completely washes away all early suggestions that the parents had been brought to yours for the festivities as some kind of quid pro quo for their accommodating your daughter all year.
Now that we know different, it seems even more bizarre, and certainly strange enough as to be suspect. ‘The thin end of the wedge’ comes to mind.
(One other thing I ought not to mention but will anyway: if you do get time to spend alone with your daughter, I’d find some way of gently warning her how having a child with this man would surely mean she’s enlisted, subservient now, into the ranks of enslaved mothers, seen as a belonging, possibly with little say in the rearing of the child, and certainly at the mercy of the men in the family for any freedoms at all, by the sound of things.)
It’s all a bit ‘wuthering’ and gothic.

He sounds like he comes from a backward and simple background, or hasn't had much education? A grown man actually commenting that he's got the biggest plate and the best view of the telly as he were a child?!
He might be on 40 grand but sounds like a moron!

Dd seems to notice , but not comment . Well .. i am
going to start doing so .
i am keep remembering things and i have just got so annoyed at one am going out for a brisk walk !!!!
thanks for your wise words and insight.

You know, you’re not wrong. He does sound like a 6 foot 6 ten year old. Dudley Dursley crossed with Tyson Fury, perhaps.

Is he extremely handsome, or what? DD could surely do better.

Not 6 foot . Is Short ..handsome and fit via a very specific sport .

Dd is very pretty .has own good graduate job .
I would describe her as not a goos judge of character, very kind . She doesn't Like to spend time alone . In the past its les to difficulties .She does not have a good network of mates and works from home .

Oh dear, this sounds like a perfect long term setup for shackling your quiet-natured daughter not only to this BF but equally closely to his horrible parents. She’d be their slave, I’m sure.
DD sounds like a quite young 24, perhaps. Clinging to this handsome and seemingly strong bloke as a lifeline or means of negotiating the outside world? A ticket to real misery, when the strength is revealed to her as bombast and fed only by stomping on those he sees as weaker.
Yet she got her degree! She must have strengths of her own. It’d be terrific if she could develop some outward-looking interests and contacts, separate from The Grimms.

But I hope you enjoy your head-cleaning walk now, and grab some time away from these cares. 😽

How long have they been together?

So he earns well but that's because of his physical prowess, he won't be earning that for long because he won't be young and fit for long so he's casting around looking for a longer term source of money.....
If he's fit and good-looking he may have women falling at his feet and so your daughter will feel flattered and grateful to have been chosen and that will blind her to the reality.

As I stated earlier, the dregs of society club.🙄

But consistent.

These behaviours are all connected and you should not be surprised.

I would not be concerned about upsetting your daughter through spelling out the truth as you see it.

If she chooses to get upset, that will be on her.

You are her generous loving parents and if she chooses to side with this yob then all you can do is reiterate that you are there for her always.

He sounds utterly dragged up and uncouth.

The family sound like grifters, and them inviting themselves is consistent with that.

The behaviour you outline means that he really comes from a very unsavoury background, and you would be wise to steel yourself for this.

The very worst thing you could do as parents is appear as the soft touch he and his family has you down as.

He is a bully whose blatant disrespect of you and your home is really chilling.

I think organising a spa meet up with your daughter is wise and any further talk of them visiting or using your home should be met with a really chilly NO.

If you stay silent, you give the message that this yob, his family, and their uncouth behaviour is acceptable.

It really isn't ...... so why would you lie to your daughter to protect HIM?

Because that would be all you are doing.

Your husband needs to man up.
Him finding it a bit too much is not good enough.
This is his daughter and this specimen that she has brought home is flawed.

Simply put, he isn't good enough for her.

I think the financial gift was a big mistake and you should learn from it.

Too much, too early.

Keep your money to yourself.
Why shouldn't she have the normal experience of budget buys, second hand furniture that we all had when setting up our first flat?🤷🏻‍♀️

Why would you plough money into the start of a relationship?

What do they both do career wise?
What age is he, to her 24?

Him behaving as if he is of superior intelligence is a red flag too.

Christ but there are so many.

She is very young.

In your place, if it was one of my daughters I would be spellinpg out my concerns, ask her only to be aware of them , to reflect, and to know we 100% will have her back always.

She can come home any time.

Is she very innocent?
How long are they together?

You don't have to come up with immediate answers but an absolute NO to any further visits for sure and I would not utter a single positive affirmative word about the visit, him, his family, going forward.

I would be utterly silent on the subject of him going forward, until such time as you see her on her own.

Ask ONLY about her going forward.

Lots of good advice been given to you, I hope it helps.

I agree with PPs saying you need to revisit your boundaries with this person and his family. All these behaviours are unpleasant. And he snooped in your bedroom?! That alone would mean he wasn't invited back again.

Totally understand your concern about not alienating DD but I agree with those saying you cannot pretend. Better to be honest with her when the opportunities arise. I hope she would visit you on her own and not just always expect to bring Mr Shit.

His family were brought to scout out your daughters background and to put a price on you all.

She is very vulnerable living so far away from you, working from home, with few friends.

However working from home means she can relocate with ease if necessary.

I cannot put into words my revulsion that he snooped into your bedroom and I think it is very important you take the time to list out clealy all the abhorrent behaviours, so they are close to hand.

Also warning her that having a child with him would mean that she will be stuck in that area for 18 years without any choice to ever move away when therelationship inevitably falls apart.

Would you suggest she do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk so that she can strengthen her boundaries?

He indeed sounds sub intelligent but with the need through narcissism to state otherwise.

Not unlike the man who needs to insist he's "a nice guy" constantly.

Quite right, in everything

This all reminds me very strongly of a mixture of three or four 19th century novels, in which a picturesque but actually completely repugnant young man is promenaded before an expertly selected young woman by his grasping family, in order to hasten to a marriage once she has become utterly dependent on him for her romantic fulfilment; after which she’s immediately translated into the mother’s servant and the father’s maid, as well of course as the brood mare for the newly comfortable family.
(The only way out for her involves poison/the gallows/ the colonies, where she’ll end up as a gin-soaked bar-room queen 😈)

My god he sounds absolutely vile. I'm not sure I'd say anything to your DD without her bringing it up first, and then be very careful. Last thing you want is to bitch about him, it will never be forgotten. I'd just try to see her on her own, and limit visits to just a day or two if he comes. Don't let him cut you out of her life. He seems intent on making you dislike him, maybe to alienate her? His narrative might be 'poor me, your parents hate me, what have I done blah blah' and she'll feel pushed to take his side.

Urgh was a total arse wipe.

If that sport is boxing or any variant thereof she should run like the wind.

Mo he is intelligent , with a very good degree
The sport is his passion , not his job .

the good thing is that he has shown you exactly who he is, he wears (what passes for) his heart on his sleeve, all his moves are on display, no impulse control, he doesnt censor himself at all