Page 21 | Our guests are hinting that they are going to stay longer than wanted ! How to find the words?

Duvetdaysaregood · 2022-12-27T23:05:17+00:00

Guests invited until tomorrow. Been here since 23 rd with general idea to go between c mas and new year. Heard one lot say to another , oh how long are you staying.? . they replied ..oh maybe till the new year. .. I could not just holler .. what ..?? From a distance across kitchen. So , said to them later , what did you say about stating longer .. ? They shrugged it off and changed the subject I said i needed to know . Evasive . I repeated that we needed to know for food etc and they just said oh well we could get food . I have had this before and struggled .we live in a beautiful area of natural beauty where people go on holiday and they do relax . anyone had this before ? If so , do I need to directly say please leave ..and if so how ! Without causing offence ? They know us well and I am struggling to ask them to go . If i say we have other guests due , ( a lie and dont want to lie ) I think they would just say oh no problem , we can all muck in , offer to sleep on camp bed if bo room .. I jusy want ghem to go .

Soothsayer1 · 31/12/2022 12:53

I am afraid of alienating her from us if I question his issues/ behaviour
I think he knows that, he knows exactly what he's doing and he knows that he's exploiting you.
Your husband is being a useless coward, leaving you to do the dirty work so that he can keep his good guy reputation and not catch any flack
he's not a man is he

Original poster

Duvetdaysaregood · 31/12/2022 12:59

Stravaig .. oh I. Didnt think of that!

In part I have a concern in the back of my head that he is very pleased we are in the position we are in ie stable homeowners. i thought it gave him comfort initially .. now I just feel uncomfortable.
I also now hate the facr that every single am our dd got up and made him a cup of tea in bed . it is all adding up to a picture I don't really like . i feel anxious for dd.
we did keep
modelling good manner s etc and values . For eg he was sort of bragging how about how his dad is. Ahrs man and wont put up With so and so and my dh quietly but firmly said , thats not our way .. and thats. Not the way when you have a mortgage and kids to look after . I was proud of my dh .

I have realised a way i can manage also is by the boundaries but model good behaviour.
I did try to get him to contribute. i said one night will you two cook but dd ended up paying for food . He also has no car , isnt licences to drive hers so gets lifts and doesnt gp to the shops !

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MaggieFS · 31/12/2022 13:00

Duvetdaysaregood · 31/12/2022 12:50

i didn't mention Dh much thats true !
He became quite stressed . he has now in bed with a cold . he said that he felt a bit challenged by the bf sort of re authority. For eg we asked him to do a job and he didnt . Dh thought it was deliberate .

Deliberate or not, it's at best rude. The more you reveal about him, the less and less appealing it is.

I think you can have a word with your DD about your concerns without alienating her. First and foremost tell her you love her and are looking out for her, and that won't change. Plus whatever she decides, you will respect that.

Thereafter the ball is in her court. If my mum said that to me, I would get hugely defensive out loud, but it would set me thinking, and perhaps be helpful insight.

Original poster

Duvetdaysaregood · 31/12/2022 13:02

Thank you all again . It is so helpful to be able to explore this and start to deal with it . Dh and I are going to sit down together when he is well and talk this through.

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converseandjeans · 31/12/2022 13:10

What date did they pack up to go? Sounds awful.

Original poster

Duvetdaysaregood · 31/12/2022 13:11

The 30th . We did a en mass station drop off .

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Millytante · 31/12/2022 13:13

Duvetdaysaregood · 31/12/2022 12:46

MillieTante
I agree . Got a feeling of disquiet. ..
was so taken aback , that said nothing . I need to be more on the ball and ready.. but that feels exhausting and not at all natural in our own home.

Ir makes me sad that in putting boundaries round him , in doing so I will inevitably hav to do so round our own dd.

I am very worried about discussing this with our dd ( though she did challenge him re how he got one of her gifts for free ( which he said when she opened it) .. he said he would tell her later as I suspect he knew we wouldn't approve .

I am afraid of alienating her from us if I question his issues/ behaviour.
The only way I could think of addressing this to be honest is approach from the stance of ‘ kindness’ as in .. ive noticed bf never buys us a drink/ never contributes / takes pride ( to point of huge focus) in getting things for free.. is he ok? Does he have money anxiety?
But it is nit just money. He comes from household were men seem to rule the roost. Our dd always cooks . Etc.
I feel mostly powerless , buy she has the clear example of how she has been socialised.
And I do feel able to raise his perceived meanness in the way described above as well as make the house unavailable possibility with fake guests as and empty house such as if we went on holiday wd be utilised i suspect ( again I would naturally offer it to dc to have a break ! So it restricts my natural behaviour )

I’m so sorry this tangle is gnawing at you. My immediate response about the risk of alienating your daughter is: So bloody what? All families have rocky periods, many parents harbour misgivings about their children’s partners, and so on.
Look, your daughter getting the hump if you stand up for yourselves is nothing compared to the injustice there’d be if you have to continue bearing this heavy load of misery and worry. This is one really justified time to put yourselves first, and your daughter honestly needs to get a grip, to be blunt.
Anyway, as has been so brilliantly observed below, she will learn from your behaviour, and to her benefit if it leads to her reassessing the point of this boyfriend.
Im being a bit brutal by modern parenting standards I expect, but I’m so flipping angry that these two are so much on your mind, bringing so much distress.

Why not invite her for a brief stay at some spa place like Harrogate in the New Year, just mum and daughter, making it clear to anyone who cares to listen that you two had no effing time alone over Christmas so it’d be nice now to reconnect, and see if a discussion about him comes naturally, though you’ll have to start it off.
It’d also be instructive to see how the BF night take this....my jaded mind reckons he’d be rather put out, and might even suggest that with more space at your house, he should nip up to get some WFH done. (He’d never leave.) Good opportunity for DH to show what he’s made of.

Ha, just idle fantasy, but the point is, an alienated daughter isn’t inevitable, but a figurative high fence topped with barbed wire should swiftly be erected around your home and immediate family, until that lot of grifters have got the message

Anyway....enough ranting from me, when it’s peace of mind you crave. Hope you are intending to relax and recharge now, and enjoy New Year’s Eve. 🌱

Soothsayer1 · 31/12/2022 13:14

I apologise for speaking against your husband 🙏
quietly but firmly saying that's not our way sounds like a good way of dealing with it🙏
Your daughter's boyfriend is a shameless lazy arrogant freeloader, I don't think I'm going to far there? But love is blind and she can't see it.... it's very difficult 🙈🥺
Firstly get them gone, use an excuse and don't let them back in, stick to your excuse and don't feel the need to justify or explain yourself
I think I would then write an account of what happened, stick to the facts, who did what and when, get the sequence of events right, that's very important
when you have it all laid out in front of you the solution may seem more apparent

Soothsayer1 · 31/12/2022 13:16

I see they have already gone, in that case you need a good strong reason to not have them back and make sure you stick to it, this man's interest in your daughter may start to wane once he realises she is not going to be the golden goose that he had hoped?

Millytante · 31/12/2022 13:23

Soothsayer1 · 31/12/2022 13:14

I apologise for speaking against your husband 🙏
quietly but firmly saying that's not our way sounds like a good way of dealing with it🙏
Your daughter's boyfriend is a shameless lazy arrogant freeloader, I don't think I'm going to far there? But love is blind and she can't see it.... it's very difficult 🙈🥺
Firstly get them gone, use an excuse and don't let them back in, stick to your excuse and don't feel the need to justify or explain yourself
I think I would then write an account of what happened, stick to the facts, who did what and when, get the sequence of events right, that's very important
when you have it all laid out in front of you the solution may seem more apparent

Same here...missed the update which mentioned DH making a verbal contribution. (Even so, poor OP is bearing far too much on her own shoulders)
I agree with you, that with any luck the BF might resolve the whole caboodle by just fading away naturally once he see his golden eggs are no longer available. DD’s possible heartbreak is a small price to pay for being spared guaranteed serious misery with this bloke, who seems to have extremely iffy cultural notions.

Original poster

Duvetdaysaregood · 31/12/2022 13:27

soothsayer no problem ! Was not offended in the slightest ! I was saying the bulk of my feelings .. dh feels the same and really reigned himself innas it was Christmas .

the bf took something out of the freezer without permission ( we offered two puds .. he siad no thanks and when we went to make the pud he walked to the freezer and took an ice cream out . We didnt see until we saw ut being eaten .. From then on dh was very clear about what food was available . !!

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Soothsayer1 · 31/12/2022 13:29

I'm thinking the boyfriend is from a different culture where things are more 'traditional' (in other words use a backward caveman knuckle dragger) your daughter blinded by love mistakenly sees him as protective and strong

Soothsayer1 · 31/12/2022 13:30

The boyfriend was testing boundaries to see what he could get away with, the time he spent in your home was time spent gathering information about exactly how best to exploit you and your husband.
But at the same time you have gathered a lot of information about exactly how he operates ☝🏻👀

Soothsayer1 · 31/12/2022 13:33

He is not subtle, he does not play the long game, he brazenly walks in and takes what he wants laughing in your faces. He's not a sophisticated operator.
Dumb as a rock, that's in your favour ☝🏻😁

Soothsayer1 · 31/12/2022 13:34

Even so it's important to get him under control early, nip it in the bud subtly and quietly, don't let him get his feet under the table in any way, don't let him get entrenched

Original poster

Duvetdaysaregood · 31/12/2022 13:35

This is not to drip feed bit the golden egg thing may be relaxant. Also before we knew this , we gave then quite a lot of money to help them set up their home. i wish we hadn't now but it gave us at the time to be kind to out dd .( my dh said but he has benefited too) but I dont intend not to ever treat ky dd again and the idea of going to a spa together is such a good one !! IfnI can get her ro come alone to visit us .

what I do not understand if if we are seen as the golden ticket .. why does he appear to be trying to lord it over my dh ? I guess he used to rule roost at home , but why do this to the hand that feeds you as it were . He was definitely trying to act superior with my dh . I dont think i am a perceived threat in any way as a little woman maybe .. whats the male stuff?

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woodhill · 31/12/2022 13:40

Duvetdaysaregood · 31/12/2022 10:58

For those of you that mentioned meanness, this is something that is concerning me on reflection, and has for a while as its started to display itself over time in bf.
i assumed it was either a history of low and unpredictable income ( as bf dad has lost several jobs in past lined to his nature ) or indeed poverty.
A comment made in the thread about meanness meaning that the person always has to come out on top really resonated with me , in fact it was a light bulb moment.
These are some of the behaviours, but he is kind to our dd as well. He will buy her thoughtful or helpful things .

mentioned he got the biggest plate at the table ( i dont get why you would say that until someone on the thread said its about always getting )

mentioned had best seat on sofa

mentioned that he got one of the gifts for free( amazon complaint hence got another , gifting tht and the original

Took his Christmas treats upstairs to their room didnt offer, ( but that may be out family culture to leave them all out to share and dd s was out)

does not have a drink in the pub / cafe

He took a small item from a shop and stated he forgot he had it

will go out of way to get things for free

uses the work allowance for expenses systematically

Alongside these things
He will
buy nice things for himself if he really likes them such as bikes or gadgets
will buy dd nice things when she needs them or for gifts. If she has been low also.
Bought us a nice gift jointly with dd.

I am struggling to see what may be a different family culture and what may be meanness
. for example , whilst i would never do it , I know that some people work the amazon opportunity and pretend faulty or something in order to get extra things for nothing. I also know of a woman my age who has money but gets a thrill from beating the system in the supermarket by not purchasing the odd item on the self service machine .
I totally understand that am going a lot further than the intention of original basis of the thread.. but it has caused us to reflect on these issues .
Feel somewhat anxious
re both dd ( it was glaringly obvious the difference s.. she shared her chocs, bought us a drink( he saw her doing that) .
in addition I feel so uncomfortable as we are naturally generous hosts who say do have a bath when you want to , putting towels out , bath stuff etc , and want to provide lovley food to express care … but now I / we wonder if we will be taken advantage of .. but if I change my way of being I myself will be more like a mean person that I dont want to be .
I have no issue with frugality, by the way. We are indeed quite frugal , but within that one can be generous with what you have and in your nature .

I have never come across this sort of thing.

My instinct is discomfort.

how to behave..
i assume i cannot address this with dd , i dont want to alienate her . And I certainly will not stop looking after her ,cooking nice food etc when they come and will have to manage the issues .

any perspective's in this and advice , I would really appreciate.

so is it meanness, could it be a family thing( why
would someone mention oh ive got the biggest plate .. like someone said meanness is a transactional / winning thing .. the need to get the most from others for self ?
I don't get it ..

Yes doesn't sound like an ideal catch and a bit of a freeloader

He is happy to treat himself but not put his hand in his pocket for anyone else

Where did they meet OP?

The ice cream thing sounded sneaky, he should have asked

Original poster

Duvetdaysaregood · 31/12/2022 13:45

Omg yes that is it . It does feel he laughs in our faces . Thats exactly it . But why ? Why would anyone do that .

yes he comes from a white British culture .. one that is different from ours in that the mans physical Strength is valued . Dad rules the roost. My dh is a very intelligent and quietly assertive man If this was a Jane Austin era I would describe to you that I thought he was trying to cookold ( sp) dh . ( as for me with a long professional career , with a degree, and post grad Qualifications , but a woman , i am off the radar..he told me that too many men are dominated by their partners and he wont do that . .. yea share that with the little woman .. but she is now noting .

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Original poster

Duvetdaysaregood · 31/12/2022 13:46

Yes he is sneaky Id say . He seems to have gone in our bedroom as he knows what books are on the bedside .

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Soothsayer1 · 31/12/2022 13:47

Why does the boyfriend want to dominate your husband?
Because that's what he does... dominators gonna dominate, if he can dominate the man of the House then he the boyfriend becomes the defacto man of the House!

Princessglittery · 31/12/2022 13:47

@Duvetdaysaregood I appreciate the difficulty in talking to your DD but he sounds like a cocklodger, a MN term for a man who relies financially on their partner and expects their partner to do the housework etc. If he isn’t there yet he is on the way.

You know your daughter but could you ask questions like I noticed you did the cooking did partner not feel comfortable cooking at ours? When she responds he never cooks, ask not even if you are ill or tired? I suspect the answer will be no then express your concern about her doing cooking every day for the rest of her life. The same can be applied to washing up, clothes washing, cleaning etc.

The other tack is when he next stays (shudder) say Partner I’m cooking dinner please will you help me, if he says I can’t cook respond with well it’s about time you learnt, you can’t expect DD to always cook. Really make a big deal out of him not helping. The good thing is you can prime your DH to show what a partner does by helping you and drop in terms like how old fashioned. Again this can be applied to other tasks.

Just the drip drip of showing a partnership vs a cocklodger may slowly make your DD see the difference.

The biggest concern is if they have children, your DD will be expected to do all the caring, housework and still bring in an income to sustain him.

Original poster

Duvetdaysaregood · 31/12/2022 13:48

Another things he has a decent wage .. we are talking 40 k at this age .

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Original poster

Duvetdaysaregood · 31/12/2022 13:55

I did ask her do you do all the cooking? She said yes and he washes up seemingly they share the other tasks . my concern is that she just said that , but if so at least it highlights the issue in her own mind .

agree the modelling we do is important . She sees her dad cook, she sees his kindness.

he did not go and help his parents lift the case upstairs - dh said hey you , help you r mum.
I think i will try to say. Hey put yiur hand in your pocket another time.

He often refers to how bright he is . i wonder if he thinks we are’ below’ him ?

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Soothsayer1 · 31/12/2022 13:57

He's on a good wage but he's shamelessly exploits his daughter's parents, helping himself to whatever he fancies in your home.
He would never get over the threshold again if that was me.

Original poster

Duvetdaysaregood · 31/12/2022 14:02

Soothsayer it is partly our fault rhat we allowed it ( mind you I could not take the lolly out of the hand , by nit saying anything but we were so taken aback that we didn't (
you said he would not be allowed back .. what would you say ? .

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