Our guests are hinting that they are going to stay longer than wanted ! How to find the words?

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Guests invited until tomorrow. Been here since 23 rd with general idea to go between c mas and new year.

Heard one lot say to another , oh how long are you staying.? . they replied ..oh maybe till the new year. ..

I could not just holler .. what ..?? From a distance across kitchen.

So , said to them later , what did you say about stating longer .. ? They shrugged it off and changed the subject
I said i needed to know . Evasive .

I repeated that we needed to know for food etc and they just said oh well we could get food .

I have had this before and struggled .we live in a beautiful area of natural beauty where people go on holiday and they do relax .

anyone had this before ? If so , do I need to directly say please leave ..and if so how ! Without causing offence ?
They know
us well and I am struggling to ask them to go . If i say we have other guests due , ( a lie and dont want to lie ) I think they would just say oh no problem , we can all muck in , offer to sleep on camp bed if bo room .. I jusy want ghem to go .

And OMG it sounds like they invited themselves! I'm not surprised that you were too shocked to say anything.

At least you can be prepared next time so you never have to do it again unless you want to!

@mathanxiety

" He is a poorly socialised only child".

Op said that they felt new years eve was hard so I'm hoping that's Just a shallow feeling rather than triggered by a deeper tragedy.

Putting that aside, is socialization everything one must look at in a partner?

The most beautiful loving poetic interesting gentle man must be cast out with a cold hard chat from mother because he is " poorly socialised". ??

Couldn't agree more @billy1966!

Simply smile and say "Well, it's been wonderful seeing you again but we need to have a bit of quiet time over New Year and take the decorations down ready for going back to work. We'll all have a nice breakfast before you leave in the morning, say 8 o'clock before leaving at 10am. That will give us time to do all we need to do, stripping beds, hoovering etc before we settle in for the evening.
I hope you've enjoyed your stay but as the saying goes, all good things come to an end.

Please don’t have them back next year!

Oddly specific?

For those of you that mentioned meanness, this is something that is concerning me on reflection, and has for a while as its started to display itself over time in bf.
i assumed it was either a history of low and unpredictable income ( as bf dad has lost several jobs in past lined to his nature ) or indeed poverty.
A comment made in the thread about meanness meaning that the person always has to come out on top really resonated with me , in fact it was a light bulb moment.
These are some of the behaviours, but he is kind to our dd as well. He will buy her thoughtful or helpful things .

mentioned he got the biggest plate at the table ( i dont get why you would say that until someone on the thread said its about always getting )

mentioned had best seat on sofa

mentioned that he got one of the gifts for free( amazon complaint hence got another , gifting tht and the original

Took his Christmas treats upstairs to their room didnt offer, ( but that may be out family culture to leave them all out to share and dd s was out)

does not have a drink in the pub / cafe

He took a small item from a shop and stated he forgot he had it

will go out of way to get things for free

uses the work allowance for expenses systematically

Alongside these things
He will
buy nice things for himself if he really likes them such as bikes or gadgets
will buy dd nice things when she needs them or for gifts. If she has been low also.
Bought us a nice gift jointly with dd.

I am struggling to see what may be a different family culture and what may be meanness
. for example , whilst i would never do it , I know that some people work the amazon opportunity and pretend faulty or something in order to get extra things for nothing. I also know of a woman my age who has money but gets a thrill from beating the system in the supermarket by not purchasing the odd item on the self service machine .
I totally understand that am going a lot further than the intention of original basis of the thread.. but it has caused us to reflect on these issues .
Feel somewhat anxious
re both dd ( it was glaringly obvious the difference s.. she shared her chocs, bought us a drink( he saw her doing that) .
in addition I feel so uncomfortable as we are naturally generous hosts who say do have a bath when you want to , putting towels out , bath stuff etc , and want to provide lovley food to express care … but now I / we wonder if we will be taken advantage of .. but if I change my way of being I myself will be more like a mean person that I dont want to be .
I have no issue with frugality, by the way. We are indeed quite frugal , but within that one can be generous with what you have and in your nature .

I have never come across this sort of thing.

My instinct is discomfort.

how to behave..
i assume i cannot address this with dd , i dont want to alienate her . And I certainly will not stop looking after her ,cooking nice food etc when they come and will have to manage the issues .

any perspective's in this and advice , I would really appreciate.

so is it meanness, could it be a family thing( why
would someone mention oh ive got the biggest plate .. like someone said meanness is a transactional / winning thing .. the need to get the most from others for self ?
I don't get it ..

Such an insightful update OP, although as you recognise, it is largely out of your control.

The only way to be happy with the situation is to accept him as you find him. There is no prospect he is going to change.

So only give as much as you can without feeling resentful. That’s going to be shorter visits and fewer treat, it sounds like. And don’t give him the large plateful.

Thank you .
My concern is less visits / time limited and kind/ generosity toward dd. .. if i hold myself back re lenght of visits and what is done when here.Could possibly get here to visit alone , but is quite unlikely.

Oh another thing . He describes this as one of his ‘ places ‘ . Hints that they will come and work from home . ( here) .As in loves the city( where live ) bit always wanted a second home in the countryside ( were we live) as a balance .
forget that comment !!!! ! Flabbergasted.

Thank you all . I just could not discuss in real life .

I'm afraid I don't like the sound of him. And now he thinks he has a second home at yours? Wait until heating costs go up again. He'll want to WFH at your home.

I know ! What shall i do !? I think we mahy have. Lits of ‘ visitors’ !

I think I would have very firm boundaries and keep on a very tight leash, accept that they are instinctively strongly inclined to exploit any situation and proceed in such a way that they do not have any opportunity to exploit

Im going to go against the grain here and say it's perfectly reasonable to ask your dd to go imo, she doesn't live there anymore.

I moved away from my parents so we stay when we visit, usually for a weekend occasionally longer (before my dad started chemo, now he can't handle my boys for too long), my mum will tell us - you're welcome to stay until x day but I'm back at work on x and need some downtime before then. Perfectly reasonable, it's not my home anymore!

We still feel perfectly welcome, but we know our lifestyles are different (bedtimes etc) and it's hard work having 3 extra bodies in the house when they've got used to it being just them.

I agree. The daughter is well old enough to be allowing her parents the full use of their own home now. Regarding it as her own home too in terms of retaining full rights of access and accommodation is a bit much to my mind, and very selfish. She’s a long way now from being a child.

This really chilled my heart. He sounds like an extremely undesirable boyfriend anyway, but this is very much a red flag. I’d take the first opportunity to make some remark like ‘Over my dead body!/ Not on your nelly!” etc. Laugh when you say it, by all means, but have it in the record. This WILL happen if you don’t nip it in the bud pronto.
Sounds like it’s all very cunning, slow incursions into his soft girlfriend’s comfortable setup, and his parents are showing you that this repellent behaviour is inherited. Myself, I’d be wanting to separate my daughter from his influence as a matter of urgency, but if that’s too intrusive you must at least protect your own interests and peace of mind.
I’d think that right now is the moment to clear the air of this awful threat hanging over you, and get ground rules very firmly stated. No more frankly absurd hotel facilities for his grim parents for a start (and only infrequent daughterly visits, if he comes too. I hope you will have a word with her about your worries re his exploitative behaviour)
Make it clear that your home is under no circs available for anything but brief visits, and not often. You shouldn’t have to back this up with any explanation, but if it makes you feel more determined, then have ready some jolly plans about how you will be filling your time (and home) with activities and personal interests which mean you simply cannot be available to the extent he clearly expects.
If you roll over in this, you will have a struggle thereafter which will make this Christmas look like you had a week at The Ritz.

Soothsayer .. thats great advice .
My only concern would be is that as a consequence our dd is also kept on a tighter boundary/ less thoughtful generosity as they come as a pair .

Your husband has scarcely made an appearance in all this. Are you carrying this stress alone? He said he thought you were being too openhanded with the visitors, so surely by now he’s spitting feathers! Can he not take on half the burden now, and issue an encyclical barring those ‘in-laws’, and underlining for the ghastly boyfriend that this man’s castle is absolutely not that man’s home?
Dear daughter might sulk at any such thing, but frankly, that’s the least of your worries right now. She is not too young to have to face reality a bit.

Very difficult, forgive me if I'm not up to speed here but your daughter has brought her partner and her partners parents along with her?
I'm wondering if they all see her as a bit of a soft touch and know that they can use her to get in foot in the door so that they can exploit your hospitality?
It might not be exactly a deliberate thought out strategy ....by which I mean they might not be able to to precisely put it into words but they probably can feel/'smell' what they are doing.
Or to put it another way your daughter is an unwitting accomplice to the freeloaders?

Don't think of it as placing a barrier between you and your daughter. Think of it as modelling for your daughter what good boundaries look like, around your time and your home and your generosity. Boundaries she can then emulate when dealing with her boyfriend and his parents.

At the moment you are not setting her a very good example. It's not surprising she puts up with the unreasonable and entitled expectations of her boyfriend and his parents; after all, you have just done the very same thing!

MillieTante
I agree . Got a feeling of disquiet. ..
was so taken aback , that said nothing . I need to be more on the ball and ready.. but that feels exhausting and not at all natural in our own home.

Ir makes me sad that in putting boundaries round him , in doing so I will inevitably hav to do so round our own dd.

I am very worried about discussing this with our dd ( though she did challenge him re how he got one of her gifts for free ( which he said when she opened it) .. he said he would tell her later as I suspect he knew we wouldn't approve .

I am afraid of alienating her from us if I question his issues/ behaviour.
The only way I could think of addressing this to be honest is approach from the stance of ‘ kindness’ as in .. ive noticed bf never buys us a drink/ never contributes / takes pride ( to point of huge focus) in getting things for free.. is he ok? Does he have money anxiety?
But it is nit just money. He comes from household were men seem to rule the roost. Our dd always cooks . Etc.
I feel mostly powerless , buy she has the clear example of how she has been socialised.
And I do feel able to raise his perceived meanness in the way described above as well as make the house unavailable possibility with fake guests as and empty house such as if we went on holiday wd be utilised i suspect ( again I would naturally offer it to dc to have a break ! So it restricts my natural behaviour )

Is it kind of like .....your daughter's boyfriend is using your daughter as a way of smuggling his whole family into your house to benefit from your generosity?
Which makes me wonder if the real attraction that he feels for your daughter is to do with the benefits that he can get for the rest of his family via her?

If he comes from a household where men rule the roost then what he's doing is trying to rule your roost!
He's expanding his territory into your house using your daughter as a kind of bait!
Your husband should be standing up to him surely?

i didn't mention Dh much thats true !
He became quite stressed . he has now in bed with a cold . he said that he felt a bit challenged by the bf sort of re authority. For eg we asked him to do a job and he didnt . Dh thought it was deliberate .