Our guests are hinting that they are going to stay longer than wanted ! How to find the words?

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Guests invited until tomorrow. Been here since 23 rd with general idea to go between c mas and new year.

Heard one lot say to another , oh how long are you staying.? . they replied ..oh maybe till the new year. ..

I could not just holler .. what ..?? From a distance across kitchen.

So , said to them later , what did you say about stating longer .. ? They shrugged it off and changed the subject
I said i needed to know . Evasive .

I repeated that we needed to know for food etc and they just said oh well we could get food .

I have had this before and struggled .we live in a beautiful area of natural beauty where people go on holiday and they do relax .

anyone had this before ? If so , do I need to directly say please leave ..and if so how ! Without causing offence ?
They know
us well and I am struggling to ask them to go . If i say we have other guests due , ( a lie and dont want to lie ) I think they would just say oh no problem , we can all muck in , offer to sleep on camp bed if bo room .. I jusy want ghem to go .

Even though it’s all resolved now, and you can put it behind you, I’m still wildly outraged by all the presumptuous behaviour this visit revealed.
I’m presuming the driving factor was your desirable location, but also I wonder did either of the younger pair ever hint that you are a pushover. (Well, it’s known now!)
I hope you promise yourself that from now on, being embarrassed by the gall of others is replaced by being determined you will not cave in and agree to bloody rude demands.
Have a smashing afternoon now, with your feet up, gin to hand.

Ok thanks op.

Absolutely lessons learnt for next time.

Either don't invite them or let them or say , would you prefer Xmas or new year Eve or before Xmas or just after.

Hopefully you can Tell your dd how this visit tired you out?

It might also be a good time to ask DD who does the housework at theirs? Eg can her bf put his own wash on and have a chat about that. Albeit a late one at 24.

It's a shame the in law's didn't contribute anything or bring some flowers as a thank you 9r drink or anything. It's a shame they didn't offer a round of Drinks or a large tea!

Or offer to cook one night.

I usually think people like this don't actually know what to do. I suspect they have not hosted people much if at all and don't have any experience of being hosted.

For your dd sake again I would gently bring this up and teach her...so she knows what to do. Obviously not with you her mum but if she goes to other people's houses. .. I would put this down to them just not knowing rather than being deliberately rude.

I’m so glad you’ve got your house back on good terms! Enjoy the peace. I can’t believe they did washing and took it home damp!

What a bloody cheek. Everybody's remarks are good. I hate visitors staying. My BiL came a few years ago with the idea he'd stay with us. Didn't ask. Came empty handed. That's not how most people are brought up. It was uncomfortable with him. His brother shouted at him for some reason and he cried. In his 60's. He got cuddled, not by me but by the shouter and then proceeded to tell our children how awful his brother is. I hate visitors. 😒. I feel for you and hope they clear off when told.

Perfect!

I think your daughters mean partner and his parents saw you coming.

They see you as mugs and have treated you as such.

I would be appalled at any of my children being involved with such an uncouth shower that would invite themselves for Christmas and behave so rudely.

Your daughter has behaved very poorly to allow your home and hospitality to be so abused by them

They clearly see you and your home as a commodity to be used by association and are determined to get value from you.

Her partner is as mean as his parents.

Do NOT send a text telling her they are welcome again.

Don't be so foolish.

This is your future for as long as they are together.

They are not a package.

If you aren't careful you will be their summer holiday plans too🙄.

Tot up what this visit cost you and spell it out to your daughter, you are not a free guest house for people who never brought so much as a small gift.....for a full weeks stay?

Unbelievably vulgar.

You are not a holiday home for people like that.

As for her partner, I would be very wary, meanness at that level is a very ugly trait.

He and his family see you and yours as a soft touch.

Keep your lines of communication open with your daughter, but be very wary of them.

Excellent post @billy1966

No don’t say any of this, you need to tell dd that although it was nice to have seen them all, you won’t be in a position to host the dps parents again in the future as it was too much.

of course you should welcome your own dd (and partner)but any extras then a simple ‘no can do’ is needed.
If the in laws want to spend Christmas with thier son then dd and dp will need to change thier arrangements. It’s not on you to facilitate this!

Some dear friends from the USA once gave us a card when they arrived- it said 'fish and guests stink after three days'- a joke between us as they were staying for four- and they knew they would be welcome had it been arranged for
longer. But seriously, I like to know exactly when people will arrive and depart, and it's the same if iI'm the guest. It's a version of 'good fences make good neighbours' basically, most relationships work best when we can see boundaries of one sort or another.

If you live in a touristy place, you need boundaries to be very firm, or you get treated as a hotel by peopel who wouldn't bother to visit if you lived in (insert less salubrious place here). When I had a London flat, I found I had more friends than I'd thought. When I moved to the Midlands, I suddenly got fewer.

Possibly a bit harsh🤷🏻‍♀️and I am projecting my annoyance at the idea of my children thinking their mother deserves so little consideration at this point in her life.......

.........as to be running around after their boyfriend and parents for a week at Christmas.🤔🤨

Hosting is absolutely exhausting and the older I get the meaner I am as to whom I will do it for...not to mind a week for the parents of my adult childrens partner.

I think it was extraordinarily presumptuous and obtuse of the OP's daughter to entertain this.

I can't even imagine my sons being so utterly dim-witted as to be unaware of what an enormous ask, effort, and imposition this would be on a parent at Christmas.

It certainly isn't the actions of a child that gives their parent much consideration IMO.

I will say that my husband wouldn't have entertained this level of intrusion for a minute, and we have our childrens friends in and out and staying over for a night on regular basis.

This of course is vastly different to having guests staying for a week.

Anyway, just my cranky tuppence 😁

" vulgarity" or perhaps " ignorance" in the truest sense of the word?

And sometimes.... billy...the company is worth it .

Far too late now but I always have"other guests" arriving for NY to cover this kind of CFery.

I would be advising DD in no uncertain terms to be looking beyond this relationship.

Her BF is a poorly socialised only child whose parents have not recognised that he's no longer a child, and it's very likely he's still behaving like one.

Ask her about finances. You need to protect her from being financially exploited.

Ask her how involved in her life the BF's pare ts are.

I have been hosting various family members for the last two weeks. We had thirteen yesterday for lunch. By dinner time I was on my knees. My Bil was talking a load of twaddle well into the night and ignoring hints to leave. In the end I just lost my shit and said “oh here’s your coat Bil, time to leave”. He
got the hint and finally left.

I'd say something like :

Well it's been lovely having you. What time are you off tomorrow morning?

silence / shrugs / dithering

Well if its all the same to you 0930 would suit us best. Could you make your own arrangements for eating out tonight as we have plans.

Adult children without siblings do not usually drag their parents along when they visit their partner's parents, especially when there are 2 of them to keep each other company and they aren't frail and elderly.
Last year my son visited his girlfriend's parents. I didn't demand to come too. We just got on and sorted out our own Christmas with other people. Christmas with just the 2 of us is pleasant too.
Her boyfriend has to grow up a bit and his parents have to accept he has his own place.

I agree with this. And the daughter needs to reevaluate her relationship with the lazy tight-fisted entitled boyfriend. If you can't afford to reciprocate in some way then don't take hospitality from others.

I guess I just have a different view of ‘what’s normal’ or OK because my family Christmases growing up did indeed involve a random assortment of parents of in-laws - my mother was an only child, her mother was widowed. My aunt was an only child, her mother was also widowed. Everyone would gather (with their children and grandchildren etc) at one place - lots of very unrelated people tenuously linked! It wasn’t unusual to me. It felt generous and welcoming.

Then, as a younger person living away from home I really appreciated my parents offering hospitality to my in-laws, so that we could all gather without splitting time awkwardly over holidays - I didn’t take it for granted but it really was kind and normal to me. They have also done the same for my siblings in-laws at times.

OP shouldn’t be taken advantage of, and her DD needs to understand that you don’t offer someone else’s hospitality without agreeing it first and contributing in terms of money and effort, and that there are boundaries to maintain, but to say the BF and his parents are somehow abnormal to want to spend Christmas together when it was offered is unfair. Just because it’s unusual doesn’t mean it’s weird.

@Duvetdaysaregood you really must speak to your daughter and explain how this is not acceptable like @billy1966 suggested. These people have been beyond rude and when you include the cost of living crisis they have been cheeky fuckers - everyone is worse off and you don’t go and freeload on people!

The thing is MN bandy about the term inlaws willy nilly.

The only inlaws that I believe are in laws are attached to a marriage or a real long term relationship.

Certainly not the parents of a boyfriend a 24 year old has, even if they are living together.

I agree with @mathanxiety completely, I would have huge reservations about a mean entitled boyfriend and his mean entitled parents thinking they come as a package at holiday time.

This is NOT normal.

This is controlling, entitled and manipulative.

I would definitely be very concerned about my daughter in these circumstances, and how finances are managed.

She may be spectacularly naive and think the best of people.

But the truth is she is living with a tight man.

Meanness goes to the core of a person and influences all their interactions as they try to come out ahead.

It takes a very certain type of person and family, to rock up to stay for a week at Christmas, hands hanging, studiously avoid paying for a thing, refuse to give a leaving date, do nothing to help their host, and attempt to have their laundry done.

I suggest they are not just mean CF's, but members of the utter dregs of society club.

OP, in a nutshell, buyer beware.

Omg Billy!! 🤣.

Hands hanging??

Utter dregs of the society club!!

I'd love to know if op agrees!!

I'd most certainly wager that they literally don't know how to behave because maybe they don't host if they rent etc.

OP, you have hosted your daughter's boyfriend's parents for several days - that's amazing! What a very kind thing to do. I'm sorry they've made the end bit so difficult.

I'm just trying to think if in my life I can have imagined my parents hosting my (or my siblings') partners' parents, and I'm quite sure it would never have happened!

Also he may not be tight at all.
He maybe the most generous person to ops DD and treats her very well but he doesn't know how to be a guest.