Our guests are hinting that they are going to stay longer than wanted ! How to find the words?

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Guests invited until tomorrow. Been here since 23 rd with general idea to go between c mas and new year.

Heard one lot say to another , oh how long are you staying.? . they replied ..oh maybe till the new year. ..

I could not just holler .. what ..?? From a distance across kitchen.

So , said to them later , what did you say about stating longer .. ? They shrugged it off and changed the subject
I said i needed to know . Evasive .

I repeated that we needed to know for food etc and they just said oh well we could get food .

I have had this before and struggled .we live in a beautiful area of natural beauty where people go on holiday and they do relax .

anyone had this before ? If so , do I need to directly say please leave ..and if so how ! Without causing offence ?
They know
us well and I am struggling to ask them to go . If i say we have other guests due , ( a lie and dont want to lie ) I think they would just say oh no problem , we can all muck in , offer to sleep on camp bed if bo room .. I jusy want ghem to go .

@ZeViteVitchofCwismas OP’s adult DD’s living arrangements with her ILs have nothing to do with OP hosting them all for Christmas. What if you have multiple children, all grown up, who all live with their in laws? Are you obligated to put all DC and sets of ILs up at yours on holidays whenever your DC visit? Which holidays? For how many years? Until they are 60? What if you struggle to afford it when they all extend their stays? Is it inappropriate to say so?

At what age are adults considered independent adults? What if you have two children, and one lives with their ILs, and the other has their ILs live with them? Do you expect to host, or be hosted? What boundaries are reasonable to set when decisions regarding your adult children’s living arrangements are made without your input or choice being involved? For all we know, OPs daughter pays rent. Or the ILs live with DD and her partner, not the other way around. We truly don’t have enough information at this point to make that choice here. But I think the obvious answer is that it’s not good manners to expect a stranger to “owe” you for choices you make for an adult who is your own DIL and your own DS’s partner.

My uncle is a CF, it’s true. But Uncle Alvin lived with my grandmother for decades as an adult, only moving out when he remarried late in life; and when grandmother became older and infirm and moved into care, he saw it as his right to stay as long as he wanted free of charge with my mom who lived nearby and was her carer. My point is that the living arrangements other people make have no bearing on their relatives. And I think it’s an important point to make here.

Oh OP, this isn't an arrangement I'd ever agree to. In law relationships are fraught enough when it's your own in laws but these are your Dds.
I'm glad you have sorted out some time for yourselves.

Nightmare

😂😂😂

I think today is departure day. I hope they leave. Sad that you don’t get time with your dd. Perhaps you’ve managed to have a chat with her. And I hope you either asked her partner if he needed help with the washing machine or ignored the pile.

Strip the beds on leave day and do t make them up !

Switch the heating off.

Ooh, I like your style.

Lordy.

Am I the only one who took this:
i cant get them to go if dd doesn't as they live together. I cant ask dd to stay but not partner

just to mean the dd lives with her partner?

I can see that it could mean she also freeloads year-round off her in-laws while either abusing their washing machine or being treated as a skivvy, but we don’t actually know any of that.

All of a sudden we are now aware that the unwanted guests are DD's in laws and that she lives with them. Which puts a whole new slant on everything -

It does a bit. I would never have invited the in-laws, and I suspect OP won't again. As another poster says, if they are happy for dd to live with them, that's one thing, but that doesn't mean OP has to entertain them for Christmas and New Year.

Having said that, I would have been inclined to just suck it up now it's done and let them stay, on the premise we never invite them again. However, the laundry would be the last straw, I'm afraid. They may be hard up, but they're obviously exploiting the situation, expecting to go home with a case of clean clothes, having saved on a fortnight's worth of food and electric - the most expensive fortnight of the year too. I can understand the mentality that they don't want to pay for takeaway coffee if they are hard up, but imagine how much money they've saved. There again through, train fares aren't cheap these days.

*I did not say they all live together!.
They live together referred to dd and her bf

l meant I could not ask bf to go and leave dd here.

it was the additional guests I was talking about . I was so tired . So sorry that I did not make it clear.

news 😂..
ignored washing . Dd came and asked could they put it in . i said go ahead .
And …
They are about to leave . With a pile of damp
washing in the bag . !

I think you just need a proper conversation with dd for the future.

Loved spending time with you. You know you are always welcome. Found it too much with all the others for x,y,z reasons. Next time they’ll only be welcome for a couple of days max. If you want to stay longer then come on your own. If you want to bring boyfriend that’s ok but we won’t be hosting him as such. He’ll just have to muck in like the rest of us. Lovely to see his family but it was just too long. Never again.

at least they have left as agreed. I think you need to have an honest talk with DD about how the stress of extras and the lack if hel / contribution meant it was too much.

Op there is lots of speculation here and not much detail.
1).does your dd live with in law's and is she happy? Do they treat her well? Does she pay rent?
2) are you better off than them? Are they generous to your dd? Why did they come? Did she suggest it or you?
3/ do you have a good relationship with her?
Have you been to where shes is living?

👆🏼 This is a very reasonable response. Although the partner's parents would NOT be getting another invite if it was me. Absolute cheeky fuckers, the pair of them. They've just had a week's fully catered Christmas holiday at your expense and trousered what they would have spent had they not been with you. I hope their son hasn't inherited the CF gene!

So they even saved on their electricity bill by doing their washing before they left with it damp.

Just tell them it has been lovely to have them but you need a little rest without looking after guests before the new year starts. Say ext year you will have to come to them. Learn from this that in future you clarify a leaving date and make it clear if guests intend to stay longer they ask. Do not just assume because they have arrived it will be fine. Your not a hotel. If they don't leave then tell then a nightly rate for staying on past the point they were welcome, I bet they soon pack up and go home.

Zevite

no they don't ALL live together . Dd and. Bf do .
we are better off that them as in we have more security as homeowners. They rent . i have no idea about disposible income but all I know is they are very careful with money. Did not take us for a drink etc . i have less problem with this if they are worried about money as that would be awful. However , unless pride prevents it, id rather they say ( we say that we cant drink in rounds to our mates as rhat is true for us - maybe we are more confident. / at ease with it )
dd suggested it . They wanted to be with bf as only child who has always been with them at christmas.
Yes, get on well with dd and visit her . Met in laws 3 times prior to this .

Thanks op. So how come they ended up staying? Did your dd suggest it? Did you invite them?

Who is " they" your dd and partner who rent or the bf parents?

Sorry just seen DD suggest it but who wouldn't pay for rounds.

Both bf and dd rent and bf parents rent .
bf and his parents didnt pay for round or offer.
Dd invited .. and the next am there was a suggestion of they wd like to stay. I must admit that i was taken aback and embarrassed.

My house is being cleaned like mad and aired. Gin with tv this aft stretched out . Wooooo !!

I think this is problem to solve with your DD.

DD, we love having you home and you and BF are always welcome. We were happy to host his parents too for Christmas, but I found it too long to have extra guests and it made me feel bad about chucking you out to get them to go home too. In the future, we need to agree a firm invite of when they can arrive and when they will leave, and I’ll need you and BF to be the ones to make it clear and help with that e.g. organising them lifts to the station etc.
It’s also really expensive to host so we’ll need to agree a bit of a contribution from
everyone for a longer stay.

Fab answer. Lessons learnt . I do get a feeling they struggle with money tho re contribution as their rent ( the parents ) is high according to dd)

So the BF’s parents wanted to stay because he is an only child?! I mean I assume he’s also a grown adult too? I think that’s pretty childish of them. My DH used to alternate when we were dating and I’m an only child and my mum is a single parent and my DM coped without piggybacking at my in-laws. Definitely chat this through with DD.

It’s OK not to ask for a big contribution if you think they can’t afford it, but asking them to bring something specific - crackers, Christmas pudding, cheese, whatever - is OK, honestly.