Our guests are hinting that they are going to stay longer than wanted ! How to find the words?

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Guests invited until tomorrow. Been here since 23 rd with general idea to go between c mas and new year.

Heard one lot say to another , oh how long are you staying.? . they replied ..oh maybe till the new year. ..

I could not just holler .. what ..?? From a distance across kitchen.

So , said to them later , what did you say about stating longer .. ? They shrugged it off and changed the subject
I said i needed to know . Evasive .

I repeated that we needed to know for food etc and they just said oh well we could get food .

I have had this before and struggled .we live in a beautiful area of natural beauty where people go on holiday and they do relax .

anyone had this before ? If so , do I need to directly say please leave ..and if so how ! Without causing offence ?
They know
us well and I am struggling to ask them to go . If i say we have other guests due , ( a lie and dont want to lie ) I think they would just say oh no problem , we can all muck in , offer to sleep on camp bed if bo room .. I jusy want ghem to go .

It strikes me that living with the BF's parents is not actually all that healthy a situation for the DD or the BF.

The way he dumped his dirty laundry on the kitchen floor makes me think he does this in the home he shares with his parents too, and his mother obliges by doing his washing for him.

I suspect the DD and her fella are living as overgrown children, and if I were the OP I would be concerned that her daughter will be expected to take over where the MIL left off once (if) they get a place of their own; she'll inherit the chores the MIL currently does for him.

I'd be asking if they're saving money for their own place. I'd want to know whether the MIL does cooking and cleaning and laundry or if they all muck in, and I'd want to know what they're paying toward household expenses.

If the DD is basically freeloading and the BF's mummy is still doing everything for him that he should be doing for himself, I'd wonder about the DD's self respect, and I would tell her to run a mile from the manchild.

The way he dumped his dirty laundry on the kitchen floor makes me think he does this in the home he shares with his parents too, and his mother obliges by doing his washing for him.

This occurred to me too. It's massive entitlement. Who does he think will wash it? Not (I'm willing to bet money) one of the older men. This is when I lose my rag. Good luck to the DD, because she may need it.

I'm forever grateful after mnet that my parents didn't cut us off at 18!
Home is home whenever we need or want it.ive never loved her more for making that clear.
I don't no how the situation could have ended differently here though.
Maybe a phone conversation later on.how your eds knows she can stay for however long right?it's just the extra headcount was exhausting you.but please don't think she can't just walk in whenever she wants or needs.

I dont get the dirty clothes thing if he has run out he's run out.could he be waiting for a load to be put on.he might no want to assume by pit to g just his items on.lots of families do laundry at specific times?did dd tell him to dump it there?

We do however make sure it's home but with more help and appreciative actions once there. Mixed in with reverting to teenage being looked after self! But if we were there for a longish time we'd deff contribute more.

And why do you think the DD's living circumstances is OP's problem? She's 24, an adult. If she chooses to freeload off her DP's parents (if indeed she is, we don't know) then how is that OP's responsibility? Why is it for OP to "reciprocate" by having his family for an extended stay at Christmas/New Year? It's not OP and her DH who is living with them! This is the kind of crap that comes from viewing adult children as "children". OP's DD is responsible for herself.

There is a world of difference saying to your host “would I be able to wash a few things in your machine” and literally just leaving it in front of the machine on the floor for the staff to wash.

this is on top of the lot of them not doing anything to help, not pitching in, not sharing their chocolates etc. it all adds up and paints a picture and yes, the debt of dd’s accommodation choice isn’t for @Duvetdaysaregood to repay.

I simply don't understand why the length of a stay isn't discussed beforehand. Whether we visit friends or family or they visit us, it is always very clear cut when they go back, especially if public transport is involved.

I realise that train strikes are causing a problem but there should still be the expectation that guests plan to leave on a fixed date.

And why do you have your daughter's partner's parents there? I have never even met DD's partner's family.

Why why why? I don't think you and the OP would be compatible under any circumstances 🤣

Right on; this all really needs saying. We’re damned if we do and we’re damned if we don’t, in most things, so wherever we can, let’s NOT. Fold our arms and stick out our chins, and just refuse. Non serviam!

Agree re women's work but maybe this is something op needs to address with her own dh?

Or was it him who found the washing on his way to the machine?

There is a lot at stake here re future relationships. The Dds in law's are not covering themselves in glory. It seems they have made many transgressions....and the entitled way they ignored the op when she tried to pin them down was breathtakingly rude!
But we don't know their side.

It's a real Shame because these are the foundations to the future and it looks like thing's could get unpleasant if ops DD continues a relationship with this man.

Over all the communication doesn't sound good between op and her dd. Why didn't she pull her dd aside earlier and ask what was going on, state she wouldn't be doing washing but help yourselves to the machine .

State she wouldn't be hosting Xmas and New year's Eve...why can't op talk to her DD in this way? For me the bottom line is ops relationship with her DD and communication. What does op want to happen going forward?
Does she DD visit her ever without his family in tow?
A dialogue needs to be opened up.

@Zodiacsigns
There is free loading and freeloading though isn't there?

Has op got any sighs that they feel her dd is freeloading all year?

Sledgehammer diplomacy. 🤣😂

I completely agree that the OP had agency which for some inexplicable reason she chose not to use.

24 hours in her daughter should have been told to pull her finger out, firmly.

I cannot in any shape or form get my head around the confusion she allowed to emerge over the length of stay.

The refusal to give a date is unbelievable but shows the OP has very poor boundaries.

These poor boundaries have hugely contributed to this situation and she badly needs to reflect on it going forward.

Leaving laundry to be washed by the faeries tells its own tale.
WHO does that? Really???

Of course the OP should be able to have a short clearing the air conversation with her daughter.

"Darling, your home is always here for YOU, but I am too old for entertaining at that length and level."

Short and sweet.
It really isn't the norm to bring your partners parents with you for Christmas.

In my experience a partner will be provided by ONE meal by the mother of the house and then all adults are told to crack on between them.
Shopping/cooking/cleaning/ take out food to be organised among themselves.

Bring strangers to your parents home for Christmas is very unusual.

"Sledgehammer diplomacy"🤣hilarious!
Love it!

Definitely the weapon of menopausal/post menopausal women that are at the end of their tether and no longer care about upsetting those around them.

🥳 Viva la revolution 🤣

I love the term "sledgehammer diplomacy". If more mumsnetters used it the AIBU topic would be empty.

I still think it odd that people don't fix arrival and leaving dates when staying with someone. It's the first thing I ask. If someone wanted to stay longer than was convenient I would just tell them "no I have to work" or other plausible reason. Surely if someone is undertaking a long train journey they would have bought a return ticket with dates on? Open returns are much more expensive.

It’s especially important to have this weapon honed isn’t it, when we’re surrounded by people with no clue about decent manners, of consideration for others? (It’s worse here, since the offenders are certainly old enough to have noticed that there are certain basic politenesses we all need to observe, just to make society run smoothly.)
Other commenters here are adding ghastly tales of astonishing entitlement in adult family members, treating parents as skivvies and hoteliers. Perhaps we should institute some kind of manumission ceremony for 18-year olds. “Right, young Jägerbomber. You’re off to college/sea, so your bedroom is going to be my craft room now, though of course you can always sleep in it whenever you pop home. All your stuff you don’t need will be in the attic until you have room for it. From now on, you are officially a free adult! Congratulations! Your dad and I are buying a camper van now, so the house will be closed up securely a lot of the time, but we’ll certainly be at home for Christmas, so you’re welcome then!”
What’s that comic expression? “Harsh, but harsh!” Sounds to me like it’d be damn useful in many families.

It’s clearly (isn’t it?) the case here that the skinflint parents have been delighted by the accommodation and especially the location, and to hell with the homeowners, whom they’re not even noticing. They just want to extend this free holiday. 🤬🔨

This. Apparently there are people who think nothing of setting up as a guest elsewhere, doing nothing, contributing nothing. Even if your host says ‘just bring yourself’ you bring a bottle of wine or bunch of flowers, surely? You offer to help, you don’t overstay your welcome.

I have read so many comments on MN about people being ‘always welcome’ and ‘the more the merrier’ but waiting on others hand and foot as if you were hotel staff surely has a time limit?

Millytante,

Skin flint parents perhaps,but ones who host ops DD for 360 days of the year.

Personally I don't care who uses our washing machine but my dm and mil are certainly of that generation who were /are extremely proprietal over it.

With dm it was a sweet smile and , please let me do it, I enjoy it.

With mil it's very much,oh look what they have dumped on me... but she wouldn't let anyone else do it.

The random bits are my favourite after Christmas food though, quiche, a couple of slices of ham and a couple of cold mini omelettes were my yesterday delights, accompanied by a few Celebrations and a mince pie!

Op is there also perhaps a class difference here?

Agreed.
People who really wish to develop a relationship with you won't behave like this.

Likewise family and friends that value you, wouldn't dream of doing it.

I entertain people I care about for one night and am more than happy to be the wonderful hostess I can be...........FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY.

My children haven't brought partners home to stay yet, but I will start as I mean to go, welcoming but definitely not setting myself up as skivvy old woman who will lead them to think this is a lavish guest house with a 24 hour kitchen.

The OP should tell her ADULT daughter to crack on with the hosting and organising of food for the rest of their trip and put up her feet or better still contact a good friend and go visiting for several hours only returning home to be fed.

There are wsys to make your position clear without saying much.

@billy1966 ..I think it's wise to think about the sort of contact you want with your adult DC.

In my experience people tend to prefer it when they can help themselves to cup's of tea and wash up. .when they can have free reign over the washing machine.

I'm sure the guests manage to do all of this in their own home.

It's like having a holiday let but realising the owner's live nextdoor.

Billy if you are happy to have them just not with h additional "work", hopefully you can make them feel comfortable enough to simply fend for themselves. Which is what most people prefer.

DH, myself and my DC always prefer in law's house but without them there. Without them there we can look after ourselves ( and clean and wash). However with mil there we wouldn't dream of helping ourselves to anything, at all .it has to come through mil the martyr and it's been such incredibly hard work we just don't bother anymore. The fuss and stress when we are capable and more than happy to look after ourselves.

It comes down to where people feel relaxed and comfortable?

in our family the middle generation host my parents have done their bit. Poor op in that in between stage worst of both worlds still hosting young adult child and worse their hangers on - nightmare.

I think it’s a pity @Duvetdaysaregood that you dont feel able to have a quiet conversation with your daughter and explain that you love having her here but the experience with in-laws etc has changed the dynamics a lot and you expected guests staying for several days to chip in more rather than add to hosts workload and costs without a single offer to help in any way. Id also point out you don’t offer a washing service. She’s 24. She’s old enough to be in a long term serious relationship and have moved out of home… then she’s old enough for an adult conversation like that. It doesn’t mean you don’t love her etc.

Absolutely this

Also agree with @TheCatterall however I would be disappointed that my daughter thought that this situation was acceptable. What is she thinking? Has she come and apologised and tried to explain? I wonder if she knows he's dumped his stuff by the washing machine?

Another poster who thinks there is perhaps a class difference here?