Our guests are hinting that they are going to stay longer than wanted ! How to find the words?

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Guests invited until tomorrow. Been here since 23 rd with general idea to go between c mas and new year.

Heard one lot say to another , oh how long are you staying.? . they replied ..oh maybe till the new year. ..

I could not just holler .. what ..?? From a distance across kitchen.

So , said to them later , what did you say about stating longer .. ? They shrugged it off and changed the subject
I said i needed to know . Evasive .

I repeated that we needed to know for food etc and they just said oh well we could get food .

I have had this before and struggled .we live in a beautiful area of natural beauty where people go on holiday and they do relax .

anyone had this before ? If so , do I need to directly say please leave ..and if so how ! Without causing offence ?
They know
us well and I am struggling to ask them to go . If i say we have other guests due , ( a lie and dont want to lie ) I think they would just say oh no problem , we can all muck in , offer to sleep on camp bed if bo room .. I jusy want ghem to go .

@Benjispruce4 , my dds are in their 40s and both have their own homes, but our house is still their home, too, and they will always be welcome.

I know!! But they lost their mum, so I was gracious this Christmas and open to possibilities of new starts and all that bollox 😆

DP clearly “coped” with Christmas rather than enjoying it. Anxiety anticipating his brother coming, stress and biting tongues while he was here, joy at him leaving and today he’s all drained and depressed. I’m not doing it again!

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER I have one DD 22 that has moved out and one 18 still with us. DD22 is here for Christmas and is always welcome. However I wouldn’t expect her to just come and go whenever as she has her own place.

I have read the thread. The OP said they live together so I don't know if boyfriend or his parents own the house they live in. Presumably his parents but if my son decided to live with someone else's parents that doesn't mean I have to have them round my house for over a week. I am currently back at work so wouldn't have invited people beyond yesterday anyway. Children and their boyfriend/ girlfriends are welcome to stay longer but not other people. They don't sound good guests anyway.

Ask if they are heading back home after breakfast or lunch on the day you want them to leave. Whatever they say you reply oh no we can't have you stay we have some 'strictly family' time booked in.

@ZeViteVitchofCwismas
It's not about op and her adult DD but the other guests and they are all interlinked .
Does your dd contribute to their household?
Do they do her washing?
Does she cook/pay rent?

I agree. The parents thought they were getting over Christmas what they give OP's daughter all year. I can understand why. I can't help but get the feeling that the parents of OP's partner feel owed.

As is usual on MN, it would be interesting to get the other side of the story.

Or is this their way of expressing that your daughter has outstayed her welcome at their place and her and their son need to make alternative accommodation arrangements. Which won't be happening as their son has got it cushy.

If my dd was living in with her bf parents...and they treated her well ( mils!!) Took care of her and the relationship seemed serious...

Putting them up over Xmas would be my pleasure.
My.mil has made my life an absolute misery ...of my dd gets a mil who is good that's worth treating them.in my view because they maybe the grandma to my grandchild also.

My dd may need support and they will give it..

These things are far more important to me.

It seems odd that they want to spend that long with the OP and her husband who I presume they hardly know though. If they feel the OP's daughter is freeloading and she should be renting they should say something. If my son ended up staying here for ages with a girlfriend and I was wanting them out I wouldn't stay with his girlfriend's parents for ages as some sort of passive aggressive revenge.
I'd be enjoying a quiet Christmas with my husband without them and encouraging my son to maybe live with them for a while

@2Rebecca

Why the assumption... That shes freeloading? Maybe they'll adore her and just treat her as one of their own.

They assume the same standards at ops?

Not everyone looks at life in those terms

It sounds as though they've spent a week with the OP and not lifted a finger or paid for anything. That isn't treating the OP as one of the family, that's treating her house like a hotel

I’d like to think that if these people knew how you felt that they would want to go. I certainly wouldn’t want to overstay my welcome or have anyone put out because I was there.

I live in a VERY popular city for vacations in California so I get that people just love to invite themselves over and then post up for days on end. It’s annoying. I learned about having firm boundaries and setting expectations. I also learned to say “no,” even when pushed. No “so and so” you can’t stay an extra few days, I’ve got my own things planned.

I think this is a lesson learned. You need to get clear plans before you agree. I would even state that there is no visit unless clear plans are made because you have your own life. It isn’t too much to ask and it’s totally normal to have fixed dates for visiting without any ambiguity.

These folks are poor or tight with money. I can see once you notice … it’s tough to not notice other things. I think it reflects better on you to be generous and to be a good host. But I’d not have them over for more than a few nights in the future.

I really think you should sit your daughter down and have a talk. I also think you should always make it clear that she is welcome at your home. This partner might not work out… especially at her age. If she feels the need to leave it should be very clear that she can safely come back to the home. It is just so important.

i don’t advocate being a doormat but you kinda got yourself in this pickle by not having a backbone and clear healthy boundaries. You have a right to be tired of them, but it is WAY more awkward now than it would have been if you had just set expectations upfront.

I wish you luck and I would caution you to learn a lesson and value yourself enough to give yourself permission to ask about exact dates and get a firm answer. If it’s awkward that isn’t your problem, it’s THEIR problem and without an answer of FIRM dates then I guess they just don’t want to visit.

2rebbecca...we would have to see how they treat op and ops DD in their home.

In my family we wouldn't expect guests to do anything really!
Obviously it's lovely if people chip in but we would normally host.

If you don't want to host don't. But I don't feel that's the issue here....they did host and they gusts have outstay welcome.

Ops DH is " fuuuumin" but has ops DH also considered his DD is living with them all. Year. Around.

As said I would happily host such people if they were good to my dd!!

@JustKittenAround do you have DC ? Don't you feel the dynamics change if you're DC was living full time with your one week guests?

The daughter is 24.

An independent adult.

Her choice to live with her partners family is a decision she has made with him and his parents, all independent adults.

The OP has had no involvement in this arrangement.

That does not put the OP under any compliment to them in ANY way.

I find it genuinely bizarre that someone might think she is?

The daughters partners parents make their own life choices about their home and who lives there.

Their choices do not in any way obligate the OP to host them in her home .

The OP needs to have a clear boundary conversation with her daughter.

The OP is absolutely entitled to a relaxing Christmas in her home without killing herself for people who think she is running a guest house.

Her adult daughters housing arrangements do not put the OP under compliment in any way to provide them with a free holiday.

They have treated her and her home as a free guest house.

As for washing being left for her to launder?

Unbelievable.

So if your adult child and girlfriend were living with you to save money you would happily go to the girlfriend's parents and try to stay for NY as well as Christmas and not lift a finger?
I doubt many if any of the people excusing these adults' behaviour would actually behave like that themselves.
I'm just back from my brother's and helped cook prepare and wash up and brought along some of the food and drink. For me relatives muck in and help, not just sit there unless old and frail or young children.

Perhaps the OP's daughter a lazy house guest in her partners parents house and they feel owed?

But its not the OP's bill to pay.

They need to address it with her adult daughter.

OP, your daughter seems mighty oblivious to the 5 days of running around her mother has done, perhaps she is similarly oblivious in their home.

But that is on them to sort out, not extract from the OP via a freee holiday at Christmas.

@billy1966 it was a genuine question, obviously you don't know me but I usually agree with your post's.

I genuinely felt you had not seen the update.

Absolutely op is in no obliged to anyone for anything and yes her 24 year old DD is launched.

But is that the best way to live? Maybe they are saving for a home? Maybe their house is larger than ops?
It's just how many washes of ops DD have run through their machine but ops complaining about him leaving his clothes out?

No one in life is obligated to do anything at all but it starts to smart when those who don't have the mental balance sheet going are treated like this by people who do.
Then everything starts to "contract".

No, I don’t have DC yet (long fertility journey… finger crossed)

Yes, absolutely I think the dynamics are different! I think if you are not up to hosting for such a long time then firm boundaries should be set and expectations established before the visit.

Nobody wants to stay where they are not wanted. It’s a very horrible position to be in. Better to have a plan.

I didn’t bring up the DC living situation because honestly the OP hasn’t said much about it. But it definitely needs to be considered. It’s an odd set up. I just really have no idea what that even looks like I’m this case. Know what I mean? Does the daughter pay rent? Does she do this or that? I dunno. OP hasn’t said anything that I have found (unless I overlooked it)

I DO believe that if you host someone’s parents that your child is with then you need to try to make it as smooth as possible.

I really don’t think it is wrong to ask everyone what their exact plans are and their expectations of their trip are. It is is only fair. In this case it wasn’t done. So I’d expect to just grin and bear it and learn a lesson.

But yeah, I don’t think you even need to have children to get that the dynamic is different. Me and my ex husband lived with his family in our early years and I get it from that side. I would have been totally OK with getting firm dates of a visit and they would have zero problem with that.

basically if I roleplayed as a mom I would want my daughter to know she is ALWAYS welcome in the home. Always. I’d also take the “L” and play good hostess whilst learning my lesson. But that’s me.

2rebbecca personally no.

I wouldn't do that but I wouldn't feel comfortable in others homes .

Usually when I was a DC when parents hosted it was the full Monty for a few days.
That was how they were and yes we lived in desirable area.
When I met DH he was welcomed into the fold no one was clock watching him on what he spent or how much he pulled his weight, .the nicer people in my family don't do that.

PS no ways would I do anyone’s laundry. That’s some bullshittery right there. Children or not.

I however was watched like a hawk.
Every move monitored and felt so uncomfortable taken out I paid for my own..
The bottom line was neither I nor dh felt relaxed or comfortable.
Everything with my DP could be discussed and it was equal. With DH dp it's them dictating tonus.

Not saying this is how op is and the way they didn't answer her etc was rude.
They are clearly not great guests but... given this new information more thought needs too go onto it.
Life isn't all about money.

As I said what is it worth if you're daughter had a wonderful mil??
Your daughter lived with a wonderful family who lived her like their own.

Doesn't that count for more than some minor guests transmission.

@JustKittenAround

Fingers crossed, I have infertility issues and got there in the end.

I just think if people want to get the tit for tat balance sheet out... remember what things are valued at and their worth that's all.

I wouldn't certainly over look some transgression if my daughter was well looked after by them.

If I wanted to see my dd next year' and so on.

I am an older woman and I really am sick to my teeth of the obligations that are always put on women.

It is constant and relentless.

We are constantly the put upon ones who have to host and run around after people.

Well I don't because I am old, post menopausal and cranky as hell😁.

But I have friends who deal with this obligation that others push on them and they are pushing back. Hard.

Hosting is hard work and a PITA.

I have done loads of it in my day through living on multiple continents in lovely spots.

But I sure as hell don't do it now more than occasionally for ONE night.

For the simple reason I don't want to, so I am NOT doing it.

5 days, 4 lazy people sounds like hell to me.

Not a chance in hell I will ever do that again.

The idea that my adult children moving into a partners family home would mean suddenly I was under obligation to pay off some debt by running myself ragged for them by hosting a lazy family for Christmas, would never happen.

I am too old and simply no longer have the temperament for it.

You sound more smart than old to be honest….

@ZeViteVitchofCwismas I think we are just coming from opposite ends of this.

I do see your point and I understand it, but my point is that it is unfortunately ALWAYS us mothers/women that end up being the ones landed paying the tab.

............and that was an exhausting tab for the OP to get caught with on behalf of an adult child.