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Original poster

Our guests are hinting that they are going to stay longer than wanted ! How to find the words?

686 replies

Duvetdaysaregood · 27/12/2022 23:05

Guests invited until tomorrow. Been here since 23 rd with general idea to go between c mas and new year.

Heard one lot say to another , oh how long are you staying.? . they replied ..oh maybe till the new year. ..

I could not just holler .. what ..?? From a distance across kitchen.

So , said to them later , what did you say about stating longer .. ? They shrugged it off and changed the subject
I said i needed to know . Evasive .

I repeated that we needed to know for food etc and they just said oh well we could get food .

I have had this before and struggled .we live in a beautiful area of natural beauty where people go on holiday and they do relax .

anyone had this before ? If so , do I need to directly say please leave ..and if so how ! Without causing offence ?
They know
us well and I am struggling to ask them to go . If i say we have other guests due , ( a lie and dont want to lie ) I think they would just say oh no problem , we can all muck in , offer to sleep on camp bed if bo room .. I jusy want ghem to go .

OP posts:
Benjispruce4 · 28/12/2022 20:01

It’s a bit insensitive of your Dd to think it’s ok for her, her partner and his family to stay all that time and not contribute!!! Surely you’d have words with her or she’s know what you would expect and speak to her partner about it.

WiddlinDiddlin · 28/12/2022 20:02

What on earth is shocking about an ADULT who has a permanent residence elsewhere, with other people who are also currently guests in the OP's home, being asked politely, to bog off back to that home as planned.

This is not a young child. This is not a single younger teenager living in fairly temporary accomodation alone.

The OP also cannot ask three out of four to piss off, when all four live together and arrived together. SO she should tolerate the freeloaders and pisstakers for an indefinite period should she?

Original poster
Duvetdaysaregood · 28/12/2022 20:03

My apologies for not answering questions as the thread developed . i have bot had time to read it all yet .

OP posts:
ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 28/12/2022 20:09

It's not about op and her adult DD but the other guests and they are all interlinked .

Does your dd contribute to their household?
Do they do her washing?
Does she cook/pay rent?

If she lives with them, suddenly, Xmas time at your place seems the very least you can do?
It puts an entirely new spin on thing's.

We don't know how much they buy for your dd maybe they are generous and feel this is your turn to host?
You stressed they don't have much money but they are housing your dd.

SequinsandStilettos · 28/12/2022 20:20

Well, bearing in mind she is 24.
Don't know about you lot, but I was renting out my own flat and earning by then. Understand that times have changed and they may be staying at the in-laws to save for a deposit etc but it is up to the in-laws to recoup £ from their son and the OP's daughter, whatever is appropriate.
I cannot think of many that have their children's in-laws over for longer than a day. Usually that occurs with a widowed parent. It's nice to have a joint Xmas or rent a cottage or whatnot but it certainly isn't the norm.
Unless there is a backstory or agreement we are not privy to.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 28/12/2022 20:21

Op whatever happens I think you need to get to the bottom of what your dd " gets," from them...they maybe extremely tight/ poor or generous.
They may treat her like a skivvy or do an awful lot for her and their son.

Ragwort/ I think you missed the point.

It's not transactional per se , we don't know the finer details but imagine, if these people treat her dd like their own...spend money on her even if it's just the family takeaway once a week, perhaps she gives a nominal rent and she's there's in their home 360 days a year....

Is it too much to put them up over Xmas and put up with a little meanness....from people who share a house all year around with their daughter?

Perhaps I'm projecting but I remember when I first met DH my family all welcomed him in , various members cooked beautiful meals, paid for endless dinner's etc. Open arm hospitality.

With his dp I was made to feel so uncomfortable dining out I snuck to pay my own bill, and when his dm cooked inwas made to feel like it was a huge deal.
When I stayed over again it was a massive deal and yet mine didn't blink an eye.

Who do you feel we "naturally" wanted to spend time with? And yes, DH family had far more ££ and space!
Unfortunately or fortunately people don't like to spend time around people who make them feel uncomfortable.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 28/12/2022 20:23

Agree stilettoes, it's not usually the norm but many family issue's would be better if in law's did get on.

Especially when babies start.

It's important that relationships don't sour...op has done well hosting them all.

shreddies · 28/12/2022 20:37

That's quite a drip feed! Much depends really on the extent to which the in laws are supporting OP's dd

MzHz · 28/12/2022 20:38

You can explain this to your dd that her dp and his family took the piss and while she’s welcome, they won’t have an open invitation to stay. Yes her dp can accompany her sometimes but he’ll be expected to pitch in as you do and no more than a couple of nights.

your dd knows what’s gone on here @Duvetdaysaregood

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 28/12/2022 20:51

@shreddies indeed...for all we know they may do all her washing,spoil her and treat her as their own.

Edinburghmusing · 28/12/2022 21:02

can I just check - your DD lives with her DPs parents - who are the other guests - ALL THE TIME???

and you’ve turfed them all out after a week or so!!??

i suspect there is another side to this story….

XingMing · 28/12/2022 21:12

I rather suspect that the daughter has fallen for a man who comes from a background where women are expected to be men's servants. So by joining their household, she is now experiencing a culture clash. I'd be dashing for the exit, and I fervently hope that her mum is saying the same to her.

billy1966 · 28/12/2022 21:17

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 28/12/2022 19:16

OP, as unfortunate as it is, you’ve done the right thing. Don’t feel bad.

You need to have a chat with your DD when things are back to normal in a couple of days’ time. I’m sure she knows she’s always welcome, but if hosting her means you need to accommodate four other people who haven’t got the first clue as to how to be guests, then you just can’t.

I’m sure she will understand - having been brought up to know you help out, chip in, contribute as a guest, etc. Whether she passes it onto her partner and his parents is another matter.

Meanwhile, I would be seriously thinking about having his parents to stay again at all.

I too agree the OP did the right thing.

Your daughter is clearly welcome but the idea that she can only visit her parents with an entourage is ridiculous.

Bringing a partners parents with you for Christmas is a huge ask.

That they would be such mean guests is not acceptable.

Suggest Airbnb next time if they all want to visit.

I would not feel obligated to host so many people simply to see my daughter.

If necessary go and visit them rather than be used for a free holiday.

Far better to lay gentle but firm boundaries.

Hosting is exhausting.

If it meant my daughter wouldn't visit if it meant she couldn't bring a troupe with her, I would accept her decision.

I wouldn't be held hostage to an arrangement that meant I was forced to host people.

Puppers · 28/12/2022 21:20

Benjispruce4 · 28/12/2022 19:28

When children grow up and move out, their childhood home is no longer their home to be treated in the same way as before. I moved out at 24, only returned when invited to stay as it should be. I had my own home.

“As it should be”? That’s not the norm in a lot of families and your way isn’t the right way; it’s just your way.

Chartreuse45 · 28/12/2022 21:30

I agree that the update changes things and poses new questions. Given that your dd has been brought up to help with household tasks and financially contribute then it's not a stretch to think she does the same in her in-laws house. If they are penny pinching then they may expect market rent - and may even over estimate how much that would be. This can start a "she owes us" mentality in the miserly mind.
In the end I don't care how well they treat the daughter (their future dil!), how does that translate into close relatives owe us Christmas gratis?

mathanxiety · 28/12/2022 21:33

If your DD is old enough to live with a partner, it's time for her to move her stuff out of the family home.

Maybe you and DH could drive to her place with a load of her things?

Or she could tell you what things you can dump and what to keep. You could do a long phone FaceTime call some time soon.

It would be a gentle way of letting her know you're happy she's turning into a grown woman.

Benjispruce4 · 28/12/2022 21:46

@Puppers Most children grow up and move out. I don’t think that’s unusual.

OriginalUsername2 · 28/12/2022 22:07

I feel your pain! I was terrified this would happen to us this Christmas with Bil & gf but they left on the agreed day for the first time ever.

But earlier in the year we could not get rid of them and didn’t know where to put ourselves in our own home. Mil had very quickly discovered cancer and died, the wake had been and gone and DPs brother and gf were still here after a month. Just existing in our house. They kept extending their bereavement leave. His gf started talking about getting a months gym membership! The tension was unbearable. They eventually asked if something was wrong and said please be honest. So I said “we could really do with some space to be honest”.

All hell broke loose. I didn’t even get to say anything else that was listened to. They called me cold and heartless, said I clearly hated them and wanted them out of the house, immediately left with all their things, sent lots of texts to my DP saying what I had done was unforgivable..

I had personally nursed his mother through her cancer death in our living room, trying to lift her, wiping her privates, trying to talk her through the horror, watching her go through hell and wasting away. We hadn’t had a single day to ourselves to process the last few months. But that’s the reaction I got for wanting a bit of space.

People can be ridiculously unreasonable!

Benjispruce4 · 28/12/2022 22:10

@OriginalUsername2 That sounds horrific!

Benjispruce4 · 28/12/2022 22:10

But I can’t believe you had them stay again after they’d treated you that way!!!

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 28/12/2022 22:12

@billy1966

Are you aware of the update that ops DD lives with these people

OriginalUsername2 · 28/12/2022 22:13

Our visitors also shared the family stash of Christmas snacks while also digging into their own hidden stash! No contributions whatsoever. No gifts for our kids, which is fine, but then the day after Boxing Day ASKED FOR OUR GIFT WRAP, TAPE AND SCISSORS AND WRAPPED GIFTS FOR OTHER NEICES AND NEPHEWS in front of all of us! Then took the pile off round to visit them

2Rebecca · 28/12/2022 22:26

I think next time just invite children and partners and not partner's parents. The boyfriend's parents should accept their son is going to you and they sort themselves out. I don't expect my son's girlfriend's parents to be entertaining me and my husband for Christmas.

Edinburghmusing · 28/12/2022 22:27

@mathanxiety you know the ops daughter is living with her dps parent full time right?

Edinburghmusing · 28/12/2022 22:28

@2Rebecca you appreciate that the ops daughter is living full time with her partners parent?