Our guests are hinting that they are going to stay longer than wanted ! How to find the words?

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Guests invited until tomorrow. Been here since 23 rd with general idea to go between c mas and new year.

Heard one lot say to another , oh how long are you staying.? . they replied ..oh maybe till the new year. ..

I could not just holler .. what ..?? From a distance across kitchen.

So , said to them later , what did you say about stating longer .. ? They shrugged it off and changed the subject
I said i needed to know . Evasive .

I repeated that we needed to know for food etc and they just said oh well we could get food .

I have had this before and struggled .we live in a beautiful area of natural beauty where people go on holiday and they do relax .

anyone had this before ? If so , do I need to directly say please leave ..and if so how ! Without causing offence ?
They know
us well and I am struggling to ask them to go . If i say we have other guests due , ( a lie and dont want to lie ) I think they would just say oh no problem , we can all muck in , offer to sleep on camp bed if bo room .. I jusy want ghem to go .

Sorry x post.

Even that comment is a window into another world of thinking.

Meanwhile, there are people out there in loving families who all like each other, with happy, well-raised, functional offspring.

Op I would like to think I would never put time limits on my dds at Xmas unless I absolutely had to get rented their room out.

Certainly not of I wanted to enjoy a lively relationship with them but if course partners can cause issue's.
However with my own DD I would like to be able to say can they do their own washing etc.

Re the partners parents, you could be sharing GC one day!
However I would pull DD aside and say I'm tired and worn out....can you gently ask them to do their own washing? Or take it home.
Your dd should be the diplomat here and her partner!
You should be able to say I'm tired and worn out...would X be able to help out?

I hate the attitude that we must always be utter doormats to our Adult DC otherwise they may 'cut us off' .... if the relationship is so transactional then quite honestly I don't care if I am 'cut off'. I think the issue here is the 'other' guests which we are assuming are the partner's parents .. if so, why on earth where they were invited?
My adult DS would always be welcome at home but certainly not a partner's parents . And if it was DS and a DP then I would absolutely specific what dates are convenient.

Yes, that's tricky.

1. Were they all sharing a car?
2. Do the PIL usually spend NYE as well as Xmas with their son?
3. How long have DD and her partner been together?
4. If they all live together, how much is your adult daughter subsidised by her in-laws? Or does she pay them rent/do chores?
5. Is it possible the PIL saw it as reciprocal/quid pro quo because they are housing your adult daughter?
6. Who was the main driver?
7. Why could your DD and her partner not have visited by themselves?

OP, as unfortunate as it is, you’ve done the right thing. Don’t feel bad.

You need to have a chat with your DD when things are back to normal in a couple of days’ time. I’m sure she knows she’s always welcome, but if hosting her means you need to accommodate four other people who haven’t got the first clue as to how to be guests, then you just can’t.

I’m sure she will understand - having been brought up to know you help out, chip in, contribute as a guest, etc. Whether she passes it onto her partner and his parents is another matter.

Meanwhile, I would be seriously thinking about having his parents to stay again at all.

Of course I wd not ask dd to go . A poster up thread said that she also would not do that with her dd but it wd be different if dd had a dp with her . Ths is a new one on us .. seeing dd less just because she has her dp with her .
Feels sad . .. but things change .

All of a sudden we are now aware that the unwanted guests are DD's in laws and that she lives with them. Which puts a whole new slant on everything - why didn't the OP make it clear about that - I have followed the whole thread and this question was raised several times without as far as I can see a response. SequinsandStilettos has asked several pertinent questions above which could change the scenario yet again.
Ultimately if the OP could afford to feed them all then it's all irrelevant but if like for many people money is being squeezed then contributions should have been requested and made. The fact that the In laws were parsimonious about buying coffees makes it appear that money is an issue for them and if they are housing DD then she needs to up her game and start contributing to the household. But no time limit was agreed on for the length of stay - so whereas most parents would be happy to have their AC's home for Xmas but even beloved children can become like fish after a while!!

Oh fuck no.
Sounds like my Christmas guests

Yep. This is really sad. Why have kids in the first place? When they turn 18 they're now just guests or?

I wouldn't visit my parents again if I wasn't welcome in the home I grew up in.

Other guests are a separate story, her partner should contribute and the parents should go but I'd have a word with my child instead of trying to kick everyone out.

You have done the right thing. In this instance, they are clearing travelling as a pack. It would have been far ruder to say DD can stay but the rest must go. It would also put DD in a difficult position of whether to stay with you or go with the others.

Is it a serious relationship? It would bother me that they come to your home and don't help out. In this scenario it should an all hands on deck affair.

When children grow up and move out, their childhood home is no longer their home to be treated in the same way as before. I moved out at 24, only returned when invited to stay as it should be. I had my own home.

@HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce Yes it really is. Can you believe a mother would treat their own flesh & blood like that?!

I would have kept dd and partner.

OP - is there anyway your DD (and her partner, if need be) could stay over New Year (if you want her to, of course) but the others can sling their hook? Why don’t you have a word with her, tell her you are feeling really exhausted and now need to wind down and relax after all the hosting you have undertaken but would like her especially to stay so you could have some proper family time with her to welcome in the New Year. Let the others continue to make their arrangements to go. They have had a lovely extended Christmas break at your expense but now need to go. They are not tied at the hip so can journey home on the train. Your DD can follow in a few days.

My response with the was in response to a particularly cold post by a PP. It wasn't anything to do with OP. Not at all.

@TwoMonthsOff that’s spot on. All over Insta and FB. Also no problem buying luxury stuff for themselves like a Louis Vuitton bag, an Hermes scarf. I suppose they used the money that they would have spent on hotels! I remember one evening when they actually said that dinner was on them. They both disappeared to the loo when the bill appeared and were gone for ages. I said to my husband “Don’t you dare pay it!” When they came back from the loo eventually, I pushed the bill towards them and said “Right, which of you is getting this? They take credit cards or cash!”

@SchnauzerEyebrows I wasn’t responding to you, apologies if it seemed that way

Ignore 1. and 6. if they all came by train.
Good luck with the strikes.
Whole situation strange and awkward.
Understand 5 hours journey and no car meant a 3 night minimum stay really.
I still would have only invited my DD and her partner I think.
Either they came to me for Xmas or for New Year and stayed with their in-laws the rest of the time.
I would not expect DD to visit over that distance without their partner or to continue to stay if their other half was going back.

Don't you agree these things in advance?

Either they came to me for Xmas or for New Year and stayed with their in-laws the rest of the time
If in-laws wanted key dates too, of course. You take it in turns or share the main days usually.

@DorisParchment
Bloody ‘Me Me Me’ attitude 😡
hope it was a pricey meal

The treatment of adult DC is quite shocking.

I'm very thankful my DM doesn't treat me like that (perhaps even more so after reading this thread).

My DD when she's an adult would be free to come back to my house whenever she wanted and I'd want her to treat it like it's her childhood home. Not some random relatives house.

Very odd that DD‘s partners parents have come too?? Anyway, as others have echoed it’s so sad you want your DD gone too. I would be so incredibly upset if my DM or to be honest even my MIL was desperate for me to leave over the festive season. She’s not (relatively speaking) that old either so I wouldn’t say it’s unusual for a person in the early 20s not to pull their weight when they come home for the holidays.
The other guests definitely need to go. As others have said, a quiet word with your DD to explain that they have overstayed their welcome would surely suffice.

This is my dcs’ home for however long they want and for whenever they want to return.

This is not everyone’s way, though. When dh left home he was out. He was thereafter a guest (mind you, I think fil was a guest too…).

What changes the OP’s situation is the fact that the dd came with her dp and in-laws. And if the dd lives with them… awkward.

In the light of the new info I would suck up the whole irritating saga and think lesson learned for the next time (which ain’t never going to happen).