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Christmas

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DF deliberately gave everyone shit presents. What now?

165 replies

bananasindressinggowns · 25/12/2022 20:26

I don't care if this is outing at this point. A few weeks ago 'D'F gleefully admitted he was giving his sister and her family shit presents. We weren't sure why as they are lovely people, but stupidly we didn't think he'd do the same to us, until this morning when we discovered he'd gifted:

  • a dirty '2010' snow globe (me)
  • a broken filing cabinet (my sibling)
  • two books about suicide/SA/grief/estrangement - subject matters that me and my siblings have dealt with personally
  • a cardboard box and sellotape (his sibling)
  • black bin bags (his niece and nephew)

Radio silence from him today, he knows what he's done. This isn't about the presents themselves, either. Me and siblings did small but meaningful gifts - books we liked, little stocking fillers, comfy socks etc.

Me and my siblings (all late twenties) have had a difficult relationship with 'D'F in the past, but we thought we were all in a good place now - semi-regular visits, phone calls, texts, etc. We did a 4 hour round trip a few weeks ago to give him and his partner their presents as they were heading to other family for Christmas. Had a lovely lunch together, a good catch-up, lots of chat about plans for next year. We put together some really nice meaningful presents for them.

I don't understand why he's done this to his entire family - the effort he's gone to to order this shit off of eBay, wrapping all the presents, acting like everything was totally normal and then flipping the switch today. We're so hurt and confused but I'm also pissed off I didn't see it coming - he's been pulling shit like this for years. Do we confront him? Pretend like we love it all? Ignore it? Send it all back? What a sad bitter man.

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 27/12/2022 00:16

Op I hadn't realised the partner was in in the "gifts". That makes me think you should step back from them both. One being ill is a possibility, two no, they are just a nasty pair.

Next year either no gifts or box of chocolates that can be picked up with the weekly shop.

Hope you are OK

MichelleScarn · 27/12/2022 00:24

Well done @bananasindressinggowns hopefully childishly?? your non reaction to the batshittery will wind them up to the extent that they wanted to upset/antagonise you!

bananasindressinggowns · 27/12/2022 00:27

Thanks @Sugarfree23 - I didn't really mention his partner as I have known her about 3 years so I didn't want to point the finger at her but her name is on the side of the boxes some of the gifts were delivered in so I suppose she will have played a part in ordering them.

The only thing I would be very tempted to do is send a copy of 'A Christmas Carol' next year and nothing else 😁can't remember who suggested that but thank you for the idea!

OP posts:
bananasindressinggowns · 27/12/2022 00:36

MichelleScarn · 27/12/2022 00:24

Well done @bananasindressinggowns hopefully childishly?? your non reaction to the batshittery will wind them up to the extent that they wanted to upset/antagonise you!

Thank you! That'd be a great Christmas present wouldn't it 😇 I know the point is to disengage but I will admit it was quite satisfying to spend the day messaging as if everything was completely normal and seeing his replies get increasingly less enthusiastic.

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 27/12/2022 00:54

Just looked up a plot summary of Little Life and that is seriously disturbing. What a nasty man. Don't spend any more effort on them. While it might be tempting to regift if back to home for a birthday, it will take too much of your brain space. Donate to Oxfam and remove it from your life.

Furries · 27/12/2022 02:52

@bananasindressinggowns - this must have been a difficult thread to work your way through (as in realisations, not that anyone on here was awful). It’s good that you’ve found some helpful posts and links.

Here’s to 2023 bringing you the peace that you deserve.

KettrickenSmiled · 27/12/2022 08:41

Thank you! That'd be a great Christmas present wouldn't it 😇 I know the point is to disengage but I will admit it was quite satisfying to spend the day messaging as if everything was completely normal and seeing his replies get increasingly less enthusiastic.

Sounds like you are getting the hang of Grey Rock already OP 😀
There is nothing wrong with taking satisfaction in how well your self-preservation tactics are working.

CoffeeBoy · 27/12/2022 08:57

bananasindressinggowns · 27/12/2022 00:27

Thanks @Sugarfree23 - I didn't really mention his partner as I have known her about 3 years so I didn't want to point the finger at her but her name is on the side of the boxes some of the gifts were delivered in so I suppose she will have played a part in ordering them.

The only thing I would be very tempted to do is send a copy of 'A Christmas Carol' next year and nothing else 😁can't remember who suggested that but thank you for the idea!

Or how about a copy of Toxic Parents? 😁

Aquasulis · 27/12/2022 10:44

CoffeeBoy · 27/12/2022 08:57

Or how about a copy of Toxic Parents? 😁

Or a link for him to a online free self evaluation of if you are a narcissist next year for Christmas ?

BigBadBun · 27/12/2022 11:01

Your relationship with your father sounds very similar to mine before he cut me out of his life for simply being present when my mother finally lost it with him. According to him this was my fault. I did a lot of digging and remembering and established that he had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was a child, but had stopped medicating. This completely reframed his behaviour. TBH his symptoms were even closer to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Don’t know if you can have both bipolar and NPD. But he was definitely a narcissist. There is some enlightening stuff online if you search for ‘children of narcissistic parents’

StripeyDeckchair · 27/12/2022 14:26

Say nothing now.

Sep/Oct time you & your siblings send an email
Dear Dad
As you struggle to buy appropriate presents let's not bother with gifts this year.
If you want to give the kids some cash so that they can choose something they'd like that'd be great but otherwise don't bother.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 27/12/2022 17:37

Hm, you needed help for debilitating anxiety in your teens.

Just how far back does your father's malicious, manipulative behaviour go? Did it exist when you were a child?

Because this kind of nastiness is usually a very deep laid pattern that gets worse over time, and children are absolutely defenseless against it. The effects start to emerge in teen years, often.

Heyhoitsme · 27/12/2022 17:45

This may be his way of saying he doesn't want to give gifts. I would tell him that all gifts have stopped for ever. No more to him obviously.

stormywaves · 27/12/2022 18:30

... seriously adopt a donkey for him next year. Visit it and take lots of photos with it that you can send him.

BigBadBun · 27/12/2022 19:21

KettrickenSmiled · 26/12/2022 12:49

To add to the absolute mindfuck that today has been, he has now messaged us as if everything is completely normal: "Totally blown away by the thought and care selecting our pressies. So touched xx" along with about 15 photos of them posing with the presents we gave them. I feel a bit sick even writing that. None of us have responded, obviously.
Again - I'm going to suggest you re-frame this.
Instead of "this is a mindfuck" (it IS, no denying that, but bear with me ...)
try "Ah. He didn't get the drama he wanted from GiftGate, so now he is goading us to try & provoke us into a response".

I'm going to be really annoying and drip-feed now, but in my defence I mainly wrote this because I was doubting whether the hurt and upset was justified or not and didn't want to turn it into a family history essay.
You are justified, of course. But do you want to carry on feeling hurt every time he dreams up a little scheme to hurt you with, or do you want to find a way to let it bounce off you?
Anyone who has a mindfucker in the family KNOWS this isn't about the presents. So don't feel you have to justify that sense of ... hurt, dismay, "oh no not again" "why" "how can I make him stop doing this" & all the rest of the feckin' merry-go-round. BUT! instead - think about the best way to step off the merry-go-round.
I get it - it's not about the presents, it's about how unfair it is that your dad isn't a better, more consistently caring dad, & that goes back decades.

I think (hope?) he might be unwell. In hindsight, I shouldn't be surprised by this as he does have form for being petty and vindictive when he feels slighted, but he can also be kind and supportive and practical and loving. To me, that does suggest it's a mental health thing, as it's not consistent behaviour and him and his sister used to be very close - they live on opposite sides of the country but would meet up for Christmas and birthdays and special events.
He's not unwell.
He's just a mindfucker who isn't above mindfucking his nearest & dearest.
Mindfuckery is more important to him than you & everybody else's feelings.
Also - google "cycle of abuse" & stop hoping that the kind & supportive side of him is the "real" him, & the petty & vindictive side is something you can fix.
Because it isn't.
You can't fix character - this is just who he is. All of it.
All you can do is stick around for the nice side, & Grey Rock -
www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock
OR (in the moment only, so as an ad hoc response, NOT an appeal to him to stop doing it!) walk away each time he does it, telling him why he is no longer welcome to your company when he does XYZ

You need to accept that this is who he is, & stop turning yourself inside out looking for 'reasons' why he acts up. I understand why you are still doing this, because it's more comfortable to have a 'reason' to blame, than blaming dad directly for the hurt he causes.
But all that digging for 'reasons' will give you is more of the same - you trapped on the merry-go-round, spending FAR too much of your life dedicated to giving dad too much of your time, even in the freedom of your own head.
See how he's made you spend so much time already, thinking about him instead of cracking on with your happy life?

I should have spoken up when he told us about the presents.
Why?
You're not his keeper.
If he wants to make a prat of himself, acting out with stupid behaviours designed to make everyone else unhappy enough to ensure he gets to be Star Of The Shit Show - let him.

He doesn't react well to confrontation, which is why we didn't,
Oh, I think he reacts brilliantly to confrontation.
I think he thrives on it, & knows that he's better at it than all of the rest of you combined.
That's why he KEEPS ON INVITING IT.

and I stupidly assumed he was giving rubbish presents alongside good ones - like an actual funny joke.
You weren't stupid.
He told you in advance for a reason - it's so when you all get het up about it, he can blame you for your reaction, instead of owning that he did a shitty thing. You can just already imagine his smugness at being 'confronted' can't you? -
"But I TOLD you I was doing joke presents this year. Can't you take a joke? It's really mean of you not to laugh. It IS funny, you didn't tell me not to so obviously you were in on it, so it's all your own fault."
"You greedy little shits, you're just pissed off because you are venal, I did it to teach you a lesson, I've paid for you all my life, nothing I ever do is good enough for you, you won't even laugh at my joke why am I cursed with such ungrateful brats" etc
In other words - he set you up for a good DARVO'ing - www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

We sent her and her family our own separate presents (fucking great presents!) which they really appreciated, and we'll call her in a few days to see what she thinks is going on.
DON'T.
See analysis merry-go-round, above.
Of course you can mention it - but stop burdening yourself with the responsibility of investigating, apologising for, mitigating, or otherwise sorting out how any other adult chooses to respond to dad's shitty behaviour.
Your attitude need only be - "meh, that's dad for you. Never mind, at least the rest of us don't pull stupid stunts like that,. I'm not rewarding him with any attention for it, suggest you don't either. Anyway ..." [subject change & move on].

The books are fucking horrible though. For those who might be wondering - Book 1: The End of Loneliness - about three siblings who become estranged after their parents die. Funnily enough, we are three siblings and our lovely mum died 3 years ago. Book 2: A Little Life. I spent a month with a crisis team as a teenager being treated for SH and debilitating anxiety and struggled for years with it, he used to drive me to appointments. Flowers
Which is how you know he's not "unwell" - he's a headfucker.
Fuck him, & fuck his arsehole ideas of fun.

For now, we're going to pretend this hasn't happened. No comments, no acknowledgement, no reaction and LC for the foreseeable. I like all the petty revenge ideas and am quite tempted to ship everything back to him, but I don't want to give him the satisfaction and I'm not sure I'll get an honest conversation out of him.
Excellent.
Just watch that "for now".
You will get NO joy out of any attempt to stop him behaving like some kind of Cluster-B Dark Triad personality disordered twat. Likely because he IS a ... yeah, you get it.

Do you know about the But We Took You To Stately Homes threads on MN? - if not, search some up, you will find like minds & support there.
You might also find this site a source of relief & understanding - outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro - have a look around it, but focus on how the knowledge helps YOU distance yourself from dad's more unfortunate behaviours - NOT at how to 'fix' them.

Above all - stop acting the peacekeeper.
If GiftGate has hurt other family members, that is NOT of your making, & you don't have to apologise for it, soothe it, find solutions to it, or do anything other than just briefly commiserate, empathise, advise everyone to Grey Rock it, subject change, & move on.

Crying with laughter at this - now all my own father’s mind-fuckery is safely in the past. His parting shot was to leave his estate to a friend’s daughter (‘like a daughter to me’) rather than to his own children whose life he had spent mind-fucking.

Exactly this. Get off the merry-go-round. Look back at your life. None of the things he has made you feel bad about are your fault. He has constructed them so he can twang your puppet strings and make you dance.
As this new chapter of your life dawns you may well feel the weight of the world lifting off your shoulders.

And don’t get caught up in the ‘I have given you everything - you are ungrateful’ balderdash. As Sylvia Plath so succinctly put it, Daddy, Daddy, you bastard, I’m through.

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