DF deliberately gave everyone shit presents. What now?

[bananasindressinggowns]

I don't care if this is outing at this point. A few weeks ago 'D'F gleefully admitted he was giving his sister and her family shit presents. We weren't sure why as they are lovely people, but stupidly we didn't think he'd do the same to us, until this morning when we discovered he'd gifted:

• a dirty '2010' snow globe (me)
• a broken filing cabinet (my sibling)
• two books about suicide/SA/grief/estrangement - subject matters that me and my siblings have dealt with personally
• a cardboard box and sellotape (his sibling)
• black bin bags (his niece and nephew)

Radio silence from him today, he knows what he's done. This isn't about the presents themselves, either. Me and siblings did small but meaningful gifts - books we liked, little stocking fillers, comfy socks etc.

Me and my siblings (all late twenties) have had a difficult relationship with 'D'F in the past, but we thought we were all in a good place now - semi-regular visits, phone calls, texts, etc. We did a 4 hour round trip a few weeks ago to give him and his partner their presents as they were heading to other family for Christmas. Had a lovely lunch together, a good catch-up, lots of chat about plans for next year. We put together some really nice meaningful presents for them.

I don't understand why he's done this to his entire family - the effort he's gone to to order this shit off of eBay, wrapping all the presents, acting like everything was totally normal and then flipping the switch today. We're so hurt and confused but I'm also pissed off I didn't see it coming - he's been pulling shit like this for years. Do we confront him? Pretend like we love it all? Ignore it? Send it all back? What a sad bitter man.

This. Stick up for yourself. You don't have to put up with it.

Everyone saying he may be ill isn't taking in to account the fact he planned this (see the OP, who he told but didn't realise would have it extended to her) Someone in a MH crisis /with dementia might send random and inexplicable (to the receiver) gifts but it would not be done with premeditated malice.

What other shit has he pulled over the years, OP?

Because until I read that part, I would have assumed he is genuinely mentally ill.

Take it as a sign that exchanging presents is something you don't do with him from now on. I wouldn't play the same game as him in regifting the same stuff. Just ignore, don't bother with gifts for him and if he gives you things in the future open them in front of him and be honest. If it's rubbish or cruel call him out on it. I think he is nasty.

Wow. Well that sounds like a very toxic relationship. If he was gleeful about buying shit presents for others, then presumably there’s no chance that this was a joke?

It seems he was trying to upset you and show you that you mean nothing to him. The suicide stuff seems particularly sadistic.

I’d go low or no contact with him. This type of person will hurt you over and over again.

I’m sorry you didn’t get a better father, you’ve been very unlucky 😔

This. This. This.

I’d not mention the presents. I’d not go out of my way to chat to him.

If he mentions them then I’d not mention the filing cabinet, bin bags but go on the attack about the suicide books. Given the other presents he wasn’t giving the books to be helpful/kind.

He gifted someone a book about suicide. If he had a lot more compassion he'd be on his way to being a damn narcissist.

The stand out nastiness for me seems to the this part

“two books about suicide/SA/grief/estrangement - subject matters that me and my siblings have dealt with personally”

how awful of him to send this to you
what a nasty person he is

He sounds like a very embittered and pathetic person OP. The books on sensitive topics is particularly gross.

I wouldn't give him any satisfaction from it at all and if I communicated to him at all it would probably to say how embarrassed/concerned we all were for him in the respect of his age/mental health.

Better to say absolutely nothing at all and if he asks after his gifts I'd probably just say something like "oh yes, lovely - we had a brilliant day together' and change the subject.

I'd probably not bother continuing the relationship to be honest (and I say so as someone who no longer sees either of their own parents) but if you do, wait until later on in the year and make sure to say you won't be doing presents exchanges this year. "close family only to cut down on waste" if you want to get a dig in (but always better to take the high road).

Just ignore, block him and never speak to him again. Why are you even engaging with him? He is an actively abusive arsehole.

I’d phone him and ask what reaction he was looking for exactly. It’s too weird not to get an explanation!

No response.

It’s odd. If he’s otherwise engaged and interested in your lives I suppose this could just be a bit of a protest against Christmas (and you can see from lots of threads on here that many people have a fairly antagonistic relationship with/attitude towards the holiday). If this is the case then maybe just suggest no more gifts at Christmas and concentrate on your relationship with him the rest of the year and ignore him for the Christmas period.

Alternatively, treat it as a game each Christmas. Arrange with your siblings to all buy him the same book or t-shirt next year (or maybe mugs/T-shirts/posters of This Be The Verse by Larkin)

But your post makes it sound like maybe he’s a somewhat volatile/blows-hot-and-cold type of father anyway. So, if he is prone to this sort of “turn” I would just distance yourself entirely. Treat emotional engagement with the same approach as often suggested about loaning money to family & friends - only give what you’re prepared to lose.

Just don't react

@bananasindressinggowns

If you do ever have a conversation with your dad about these inappropriate “gifts,” and he tries to tell you they were a joke, remind him that both people are supposed to laugh at a joke.

Passive aggressive. My brother sent me an out of date box of sweets for my children. I binned them. It could have been a mistake, I gave the benefit of doubt said they enjoyed them. He is a known to be not right in the head.

The book part stands out to me, but only you know if this has previously happened ?

As for the rest, as you mentioned long-standing issues and form for doing this, has he ever taken it this far ? If no, may be worth checking out his mental health ? Maybe it’s never been great, but this is so horrendous, maybe it’s taken a turn for worse and he’s lost a bit of control over his own excesses ?

Many people have various serious issues, but Idk, offering this is so awful. The rest could be some other ‘prank’ that it seems he has form of ?

My thoughts are he sounds ill, mentally ill, but not in a dementia type way (too planned for dementia) more Depression, or something.

Is he crying out for help in a weird way or deliberately pushing family away?

Is he skint? Very odd to give stuff he's got lying around at home.

Sounds like a personality disorder. Stay right away. This took time and effort to do, and it is designed to provoke people.

rubbish presents aside….the books about SA/suicide WTAF this is sinister
was there anyone else there from ‘outside’ the family, partners/friends who commented?

Ignore. Sadly, your Dad is a fruit loop.

Me and a group of friends have a shit secret Santa every year. Max budget is a fiver, usually chazza shop or car boot sales. We get used candles, really bad artwork etc. its good fun as everyone is in on the joke.

your dad however is just a nobber, especially with the books.

Wow.