DF deliberately gave everyone shit presents. What now?

[bananasindressinggowns]

I don't care if this is outing at this point. A few weeks ago 'D'F gleefully admitted he was giving his sister and her family shit presents. We weren't sure why as they are lovely people, but stupidly we didn't think he'd do the same to us, until this morning when we discovered he'd gifted:

• a dirty '2010' snow globe (me)
• a broken filing cabinet (my sibling)
• two books about suicide/SA/grief/estrangement - subject matters that me and my siblings have dealt with personally
• a cardboard box and sellotape (his sibling)
• black bin bags (his niece and nephew)

Radio silence from him today, he knows what he's done. This isn't about the presents themselves, either. Me and siblings did small but meaningful gifts - books we liked, little stocking fillers, comfy socks etc.

Me and my siblings (all late twenties) have had a difficult relationship with 'D'F in the past, but we thought we were all in a good place now - semi-regular visits, phone calls, texts, etc. We did a 4 hour round trip a few weeks ago to give him and his partner their presents as they were heading to other family for Christmas. Had a lovely lunch together, a good catch-up, lots of chat about plans for next year. We put together some really nice meaningful presents for them.

I don't understand why he's done this to his entire family - the effort he's gone to to order this shit off of eBay, wrapping all the presents, acting like everything was totally normal and then flipping the switch today. We're so hurt and confused but I'm also pissed off I didn't see it coming - he's been pulling shit like this for years. Do we confront him? Pretend like we love it all? Ignore it? Send it all back? What a sad bitter man.

OP, my first instinct is that your DD has mental health issues that might have gone unnoticed.

I can imagine my DB doing the same thing to his loved ones, while he himself sees it as a light-hearted joke instead being really hurtful to people around. But he does things like this and speaks like that A LOT. He has ADHD which explains all but doesn't excuse or reduce the hurt he did to others. The worst part is that he's in denial of any wrongs on his side.

Sympathy from me. On the other hand, if you really loves your DF, try to find an opportunity to explain how hurtful it can be.

ADHD doesn't make you nasty or spiteful - I don't understand what you're getting at with your comment?

Your brother is just a dickhead who happens to have ADHD. It is not the cause for his actions at all. Really insulting to insinuate it actually. Plenty of people, including my own brother, have ADHD and don't act like arseholes. That's not how ADHD works.

It's a spectrum. Not two patients are the same. I didn't say all ADHD do spiteful things. I myself have it , so does my DS. So no need to interpret I'm attacking ADHD.

I know myself have a tendency to make jokes to cause people react. And I'm aware the jokes are not always appropriate or welcome. But because I can't read social cues and I'm sometimes wrapped tightly in my own thoughts/ways of thinking, incapable to make the right decision. Just that. So i know my brother is kind in his heart, but he does stupid things all through his life, largely from ADHD the impulsivity.

I just point out my case. You don't have to agree from your experience. As I said, it's a spectrum. Not necessarily two people show the same symptoms.

Seeking out those books was not impulsive. That took time, energy and effort. But why?

Op should definitely speak with his sister and partner see what else he is doing?

I didn't say her DF has ADHD. I just shared my experience about my brother. The intention is to show people who have mental health issues can be thoughtful and loving yet doing stupid things to hurt their loved ones without being aware. I'm not medical professional and wasn't only trying to tell OP don't discard her DF only because of this.

Plus, ADHD is capable of hyperfocus, I.e. focusing on something interesting them greatly. Again, I'm not suggesting he has ADHD, just a note to correct misinterpretation of ADHD .

was only trying to tell OP not to discard her DF

To add to the absolute mindfuck that today has been, he has now messaged us as if everything is completely normal: "Totally blown away by the thought and care selecting our pressies. So touched xx" along with about 15 photos of them posing with the presents we gave them. I feel a bit sick even writing that. None of us have responded, obviously.
Again - I'm going to suggest you re-frame this.
Instead of "this is a mindfuck" (it IS, no denying that, but bear with me ...)
try "Ah. He didn't get the drama he wanted from GiftGate, so now he is goading us to try & provoke us into a response".

I'm going to be really annoying and drip-feed now, but in my defence I mainly wrote this because I was doubting whether the hurt and upset was justified or not and didn't want to turn it into a family history essay.
You are justified, of course. But do you want to carry on feeling hurt every time he dreams up a little scheme to hurt you with, or do you want to find a way to let it bounce off you?
Anyone who has a mindfucker in the family KNOWS this isn't about the presents. So don't feel you have to justify that sense of ... hurt, dismay, "oh no not again" "why" "how can I make him stop doing this" & all the rest of the feckin' merry-go-round. BUT! instead - think about the best way to step off the merry-go-round.
I get it - it's not about the presents, it's about how unfair it is that your dad isn't a better, more consistently caring dad, & that goes back decades.

I think (hope?) he might be unwell. In hindsight, I shouldn't be surprised by this as he does have form for being petty and vindictive when he feels slighted, but he can also be kind and supportive and practical and loving. To me, that does suggest it's a mental health thing, as it's not consistent behaviour and him and his sister used to be very close - they live on opposite sides of the country but would meet up for Christmas and birthdays and special events.
He's not unwell.
He's just a mindfucker who isn't above mindfucking his nearest & dearest.
Mindfuckery is more important to him than you & everybody else's feelings.
Also - google "cycle of abuse" & stop hoping that the kind & supportive side of him is the "real" him, & the petty & vindictive side is something you can fix.
Because it isn't.
You can't fix character - this is just who he is. All of it.
All you can do is stick around for the nice side, & Grey Rock -
www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock
OR (in the moment only, so as an ad hoc response, NOT an appeal to him to stop doing it!) walk away each time he does it, telling him why he is no longer welcome to your company when he does XYZ

You need to accept that this is who he is, & stop turning yourself inside out looking for 'reasons' why he acts up. I understand why you are still doing this, because it's more comfortable to have a 'reason' to blame, than blaming dad directly for the hurt he causes.
But all that digging for 'reasons' will give you is more of the same - you trapped on the merry-go-round, spending FAR too much of your life dedicated to giving dad too much of your time, even in the freedom of your own head.
See how he's made you spend so much time already, thinking about him instead of cracking on with your happy life?

I should have spoken up when he told us about the presents.
Why?
You're not his keeper.
If he wants to make a prat of himself, acting out with stupid behaviours designed to make everyone else unhappy enough to ensure he gets to be Star Of The Shit Show - let him.

He doesn't react well to confrontation, which is why we didn't,
Oh, I think he reacts brilliantly to confrontation.
I think he thrives on it, & knows that he's better at it than all of the rest of you combined.
That's why he KEEPS ON INVITING IT.

and I stupidly assumed he was giving rubbish presents alongside good ones - like an actual funny joke.
You weren't stupid.
He told you in advance for a reason - it's so when you all get het up about it, he can blame you for your reaction, instead of owning that he did a shitty thing. You can just already imagine his smugness at being 'confronted' can't you? -
"But I TOLD you I was doing joke presents this year. Can't you take a joke? It's really mean of you not to laugh. It IS funny, you didn't tell me not to so obviously you were in on it, so it's all your own fault."
"You greedy little shits, you're just pissed off because you are venal, I did it to teach you a lesson, I've paid for you all my life, nothing I ever do is good enough for you, you won't even laugh at my joke why am I cursed with such ungrateful brats" etc
In other words - he set you up for a good DARVO'ing - www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

We sent her and her family our own separate presents (fucking great presents!) which they really appreciated, and we'll call her in a few days to see what she thinks is going on.
DON'T.
See analysis merry-go-round, above.
Of course you can mention it - but stop burdening yourself with the responsibility of investigating, apologising for, mitigating, or otherwise sorting out how any other adult chooses to respond to dad's shitty behaviour.
Your attitude need only be - "meh, that's dad for you. Never mind, at least the rest of us don't pull stupid stunts like that,. I'm not rewarding him with any attention for it, suggest you don't either. Anyway ..." [subject change & move on].

The books are fucking horrible though. For those who might be wondering - Book 1: The End of Loneliness - about three siblings who become estranged after their parents die. Funnily enough, we are three siblings and our lovely mum died 3 years ago. Book 2: A Little Life. I spent a month with a crisis team as a teenager being treated for SH and debilitating anxiety and struggled for years with it, he used to drive me to appointments.
Which is how you know he's not "unwell" - he's a headfucker.
Fuck him, & fuck his arsehole ideas of fun.

For now, we're going to pretend this hasn't happened. No comments, no acknowledgement, no reaction and LC for the foreseeable. I like all the petty revenge ideas and am quite tempted to ship everything back to him, but I don't want to give him the satisfaction and I'm not sure I'll get an honest conversation out of him.
Excellent.
Just watch that "for now".
You will get NO joy out of any attempt to stop him behaving like some kind of Cluster-B Dark Triad personality disordered twat. Likely because he IS a ... yeah, you get it.

Do you know about the But We Took You To Stately Homes threads on MN? - if not, search some up, you will find like minds & support there.
You might also find this site a source of relief & understanding - outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro - have a look around it, but focus on how the knowledge helps YOU distance yourself from dad's more unfortunate behaviours - NOT at how to 'fix' them.

Above all - stop acting the peacekeeper.
If GiftGate has hurt other family members, that is NOT of your making, & you don't have to apologise for it, soothe it, find solutions to it, or do anything other than just briefly commiserate, empathise, advise everyone to Grey Rock it, subject change, & move on.

Great post, @KettrickenSmiled

It never ceases to amaze me how horrible some people are. OP, hope you manage to deal with it in a way that makes it clear to him that it was not funny and should never happen again. I would text back and tell him how mean spirited, and Scrooge-like, his gifts were. Send him a copy of A Christmas Carol!

Fantastic post @KettrickenSmiled

Perfect explanation from Kettricken - reread this any time you feel a wobble coming on.
Your Dad hasn't done this accidentally. He's goading you all. Don't give him the oxygen of a reaction.

Genuine question - what on earth was he hoping to accomplish by doing this? It’d absolutely bizarre!

I suspect @KettrickenSmiled is either an experienced psychologist or has been through all of this and out of the other side with a family member.

Excellent analysis and suggestions on how to deal with it.

@KettrickenSmiled what a great post.

He knows exactly what he did and how it would make you feel. He doesn't need you to tell him that but he wants a reaction. Don't give him one. Just go no contact and don't give him the opportunity to worm his way back in.

If he has read A Little Life and he gave it to you in the spirit of 'bad' present giving, I have say that is one of the most quietly evil things I've heard of.

Personally, I would see this as a cry for help. Once you've reframed it in that way, it will no longer be hurtful to you.

That doesn't mean you have to respond to it if you don't want to. You don't owe him anything, and if it hurts you more than it helps you to remain involved with him you can always cut him off.

For me, that is not the simple solution that it appears. For me, it was more effective to reframe my parents' 'bad' behaviours as illustrations of their fundamental flaws as human beings. Once I did that, I was able to feel compassion rather than hurt.

It doesn't mean that I allowed them to pull me in with the behaviours, I enforced rigid (actually rock solid) boundaries for things I would accept and would not. When they overstepped those boundaries, I pulled away. Any behaviours that were undesirable but did not overstep boundaries I ignored.

As a result I was able to keep a better relationship with both of them than most of my siblings did, and have happy memories as well as the horrible ones (which don't affect me any more).

A cry for help that manifests as a stab in the back is still a stab in the back. Over thinking the reasons for it can be a backhanded way of taking on inappropriate responsibility for the parent.

I wonder if it's a sign of starting with some kind of dementia or something? It does seem very odd to go to all that trouble ? Even if it isn't I would let it be known that it could be and that might cure him. I would also never buy him a present again .

Or... D )

• He enjoyed hurting others

• He wants to be center of attention with everyone's mind on him and his behaviour (Totally going to plan, OP has made this internet post and is going to discuss with siblings and I expect it's been on her mind even more than that)

• He wants the opportunity to play victim in the future if a) anyone confronts him on his hurtful behaviour, b) anyone doesn't get him a present in future, c) anyone goes low contact or no contact. He'd just love to wail to all and sundry about how his family abandoned him "for no reason" or "because they didn't like the present" thus gaining himself a lot of sympathy from those who take what he says at face value and don't know the truth

-----

This isn't a MH problem (insulting to mentally ill people frankly) this is a nasty person problem. It's been going on so long OP hears of bad plans for his sister and immediately excuses it and minimises it instead of being totally shocked. It happens to her too and instead of being outraged (a normal reaction) she's questioning whether she has the right to feel upset (common reaction amongst those who have been emotionally abused). His partner went along with it. This is the role of those who want to be in such a person's life (OP went along with it herself when he told her about his sister's present) because if they don't, they will suffer further emotional abuse from the nasty person. Their role is enabler of the nastiness, the hope that if they do it well enough they won't become the target. The signs are all there that this is not sudden breakdown it's an ongoing pattern of dysfunctional behaviour which has had an impact on those around him to the extent it has altered their ways of thinking and behaving. No emotionally healthy person would want someone like him in their lives. No emotionally healthy person's reaction to his nastiness would be "at least it's not happening to me".

That sounds right - probably if the OP comes back she would know. But it does look like a personality disorder, and part of ongoing behaviour. Such people always have a need to pick on and divide, it makes them happy to see others upset. Particularly if those people address it sincerely.

@KettrickenSmiled – a huge thank you for your reply and for all the links, too – I am currently reading my way through them, and it really does feel like a fog is lifting that I didn’t realise was even there. Everything you said makes total sense and has gone a long way in helping make peace with the situation. I really liked the Grey Rock method and we’ve been using it today, making normal conversation and reacting pleasantly, but I’ve archived the group chat so there aren’t any notifications and it’s been a lot easier to detach from today.

But all that digging for 'reasons' will give you is more of the same - you trapped on the merry-go-round, spending FAR too much of your life dedicated to giving dad too much of your time, even in the freedom of your own head.
This was a bit of an epiphany as it made me realise that I’ve been doing this for decades and not finding any actual justification for his actions and then internalising them and thinking I must have done something hurtful without realising which has led to horrendous guilt, but you’re right – this is exactly what he was trying to achieve. There’s no point feeling hurt every time he does something like this, the fact that it managed to affect yesterday so much is the final straw, I’m not letting that happen again.

Also, he is great at DARVO, I didn’t even realise that was a ‘thing’ but it’s something he has used so much! He’s gone months without talking to me before until I’ve apologised for something that was originally instigated by him – bizarre.

I really appreciate everyone’s responses and am working my way through them; sorry I haven’t been very active, but I’ve been refreshing the page every few hours when I get a minute to myself and reading the replies has taken the sting out it. The presents are currently in a laundry hamper in the garage and I’ve had a proper laugh reading some of the slightly more vindictive suggestions for retaliating.

Aunt seems unbothered by their gifts which is fine but hinted that she really doesn’t like dad’s partner and thinks they bring out the worst in each other – no concern for his mental health so maybe she’s used to it or just oblivious.

For those concerned about his partner, I understand why but don’t think it’s my responsibility to look out for her. She was very excited when they mentioned the ‘crap presents’. I thought me and her had a very good relationship so I will leave that door open just in case, but I’m stepping away from it all. If anything this has been a really great opportunity to finally say “fuck it” and stop trying with him.